What do you guys think??

imamom2February 9, 2009

My heart is breaking and I dont know what to do. Here is the story.

I have been married to my hubby for about 10yrs. 2 yrs ago we found out he has kideny cancer. He has 3 grown daughters. One is Bi-polar and pregnant with her 4th baby. For the whole 10 yrs we have been married, his ex has been rather moody one min. she wants me away from the Grandkids and the next she wants me to take them and raise them.(I think she is bipolar also). Today the youngest SD the one who is preg. with her 4th child, told my husband and myself that her Mom says to not let us see the oldest grandchild which we have taken in and raised most of her life. My DH ex has done this our whole marriage(trying to turn the kids and grandkids against me.

Also my SD is thinking of letting us adopt the baby she is preg. with now. My husband told her that we will only adopt and if something happens to him (cancer) then I can do what I want with the child (move back near my family. Her mother is now saying just give them custody of the child.

I don't like upsetting my poor husband. Even though right now things are pretty good with his health, but it is cancer and at anytime things could change. I told my husband today that I am not so sure I can deal with his kids much longer. I know when and if anything ever happens to my DH that I will no longer be allow to see the grandchildren, and that kills me to think about it. So my way of fixing the issue is to just cut all my ties with his daughters and grandchildren. I know they will not allow me to see the GK if something does happen to him.

It will kill me if something happens to him, and I don't think I can handle have the GK taken from me at that time too.

My question is am I wrong for wanting to cut ties with his kids and grandkids?? I don't want him to not see them I want him to have a realationship with them all. I am sure he will think he has to choose, but I understand they are his family.

Sorry for rambling on and on and thanks for reading

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Oh wow...I am sorry.

No, I don't think you are wrong for the thoughts you're having. I think you are scared of losing the people you love and you want to protect your heart as much as possible.

I think, though, if at all possible--you should try to stay in TODAY. Right now, today, your husband is doing well, right? So enjoy your grandkids today and don't worry about what *might* happen tomorrow.

I know that is easier said than done...but if you can at all try...

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 8:39PM
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I agree with lovehadley. There's no point in worrying about what might happen later on down the road. Your husband has likely already considered that because he is only willing to adopt. I agree.

What state are you in? In CA, if you obtain legal custody, it can be very difficult to change the custody order unless there is a significant change in circumstances that affects the kids. You can talk to a family law specialist in your state to find out what your rights are in the event anything happens to your spouse. The courts are reluctant to rip kids away from a stable environment (at least in my state) and if you are the only stability they have known, it might be hard for mom to swoop in and take them away just because you are not biologically related. I think you need to speak to an attorney before you take on another child and speak to a counselor before you cut off the grandkids altogether. I understand you want to protect YOUR emotional well being but in the process, you may harm THEIRS.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 10:44PM
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Thank you both so much for taking the time to help me out with this.

I am in the state of Indiana... I think I will go see an attorney and find out what my rights are if we do take a child with only custody. As for the grandkids. The oldest is 5 and I worry about them being taken from me after years of being with me, and they will be older and I don't want them to be hurt more then they need to be. With them being so young now, I thought maybe it would be easeier for them. I know being older it is very hard, and its like grieving the death of someone. I don't want them to loose both of us at the same time.

Maybe I am thinking to much or to far ahead????

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 11:24AM
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I think if you establish custody now, you have a much better chance at keeping custody if anything happens to your husband. Consulting an attorney is the best and I don't think you are thinking to far ahead.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 12:29PM
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I suggest making a pro's and con's list. (I usually suggest this...) This is such a difficult situation...I'm so sorry and I hope and pray that your husband's health improves quickly!

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 12:34PM
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