how to get past the negative feelings toward ss?

kerrieannaFebruary 10, 2010

I've never dated anyone with their own kids before....(I have 2 myself) and both my kids are very respectful,& mature kids....maybe I was naive thinking all kids were like this?

Back up 7 months ago when they moved in with me...

SS is only 3 months younger than my son, (they are both 11) but he acts like he is 3 yrs old and would throw temper tantrums to get his way....(I'm talking literally throwing himself on the ground and screaming and crying TANTRUMS!) even for little things such as a restaurant putting a orange piece on his plate for decoration ...and he would cry IN the restaurant in protest!! Both my kids would just look at me like 'what is his problem'? they have never seen someone act like this.....

I started talking with dh....told him that when he says no to ss...he needs to MEAN no....if he doesn't Âreally mean noÂ.he needs to give another answer like 'we will see' and then stick to his answerÂ. Dh asked me to help him on how to handle ssÂ..and I gave directionÂand gave adviceÂ..which he faithfully followed and now 7 months laterÂthis boy no longer throws tantrums, he now will say ÂOK after being told no. (in a fake cheerful voice but I see he too is trying)

YouÂd think IÂd be happy and all is now well right? ughÂI wishÂ. There is SOMETHING about this kid that I just can not stand!!! The mere sight of himÂ.the sound of him talkingÂ.his annoying loud fake laughÂ..UGHÂ..

Before I get bashed for saying such horrid things about a kidÂ.I want to say IÂm the first one to know this feeling is wrong (which is why IÂm here looking for advice..and help on how to stop these feelings of hate) I donÂt want to live feeling like this!! And I wish I could have good feelings toward this boy!

I used to look forward to coming home to my nice calm homeÂit was where I was happiest in lifeÂ..but that is goneÂ.I dread coming home nowÂ.hellÂI dread waking up because I know he will be up tooÂ.(he and I are the early risers)

If there is such a thing as past livesÂ.this person WAS my mortal enemy and the friction has passed overÂ.I have never had such a negative feeling toward another human beingÂ..and not even sure WHY.

IÂm almost starting to wish I never married dhÂÂ so I could just suggest separate living arrangementsÂ. :(

Anyone else had that instant hate feeling??? Have you found a way to deal with it???


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No bashing here, I know it is so disheartening to realize those feelings within yourself. Does your SS live with you full time?

I can't help but imagine the boy feels/senses your negative feelings towards them and therfore he feels negative also. I just don't see how this marriage can work unless you develop a positive relationship with this child.

There has to be more to it than the improving behaviors. Can you pinpoint where exactly the negative feelings are coming from?


    Bookmark   February 10, 2010 at 9:10PM
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kerrieanna's an instant negative feeling that comes over me inside!! His mere presence brings it on....w/out anything in paticular that he's doing....

It IS sad.... Have you ever had an instant dislike for someone ... and you don't even know why?? Like a feeling of 2 magnets that are back to back and you can actually FEEL the energy PUSHING you away from that person? that is what it's like for me.... :(

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 11:46AM
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I think you need to get yourself in counseling and marriage counseling. Your DH needs to know and you both need to come up with a plan so that your feelings have the least impact on your SS.

I have personally always known why I dislike someone or have reasons for it. In my experience when someone has dislike for certain people without cause or reason they usually have other stuff going on in their lives that normal people really can't help you with. Only a professional.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 1:12PM
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Maybe you guys moved too fast on moving together. That is a big transition for you all. Cat is right, it will be tough to be with the father if you dislike the son right off the bat.

Give it time and move slowly. Maybe the boy is acting out because of his feelings about everything. I think it's a lot on a kid to accept a new home, new SM and so on. Maybe he's regressing?

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 1:16PM
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I agree with nivea, you have to see someone about it, this kid clearly feels your hate him and acts out, and I don't know if there is any reasons for your feelings or not (he truly might be a dificult child), i think counselling or some other psychological help is needed ASAP. if someone would hate my child that much i would not want them in my house and would ask them to leave. it is very damaging to a child.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 2:01PM
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He acted that way before I came into the picture....he actually is a lot better behaved since we've become a family....mostly due to his dad starting to have boundries, and having structure. People outside of the family can tell he's a lot better, so for him personally...he seems to be so much better and happier....

We do have him full time, and I don't let ss know I feel that way...I don't treat him any differently than I do my own kids....

I just don't understand this inner feeling.... I agree w/the person who said it could be a underline feeling from something else....and I should talk to someone professionally.... I guess I was hoping to hear 'this is normal in the beginning' LOL ;) *sigh*

or hoping to find someone who might have gone thru the same thing..or had the same feeligs ....and hear how their story played out....

Thanks everyone for your input!

and like finedreams said...I would hate to know someone had that feeling toward my kids too..that's why I haven't told dh about this instant negative feeling I'm getting. I've started to talk to him about it...but couldn't come up with the words to start it...

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 2:45PM
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I can understand how you feel to some extent. I have 3 step children who live with us full-time, 2 boys and 1 girl. They have always had kind of a tough time with their mom so we try to be as supportive as possible. The oldest (boy) and the youngest (girl) have pretty much accepted the way things are with their mom and that they can't trust her promises or rely on her to call or show up. But the middle (boy) has always been a mama's boy. He is very attached to her, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but he always makes excuses for her behavior and suppresses his frustration because she can do no wrong in his eyes. He gets very mad at me if she doesn't show up, and he will say stuff like, "Mom says if you weren't here, she would be here and she would be happy." One time I even caught him telling his little sister to try to make me really mad until I get so angry that I leave so their mom can move in. I get very frustrated because I try to reach out to him and he doesn't want to respond. He has even bawled his eyes out one time because my husband made him apologize to me and give me a hug for being disrespectful. He was very adamant about not wanting physical contact with me. He would rather lay on the floor than sit next to me on the couch. I have tried doing one-on-one things with him or relating to him with the things I know he is really interested in and it just doesn't work. If his mom calls them, instead of telling her about all the positive things in his life, he goes to another room and cries to her about how he got in trouble for something or how everyone is just so mean to him and he has such a bad life. I know it is just to get a reaction out of her because that is exactly what she wants to hear. (They have a great life with a very loving family.) I am hoping it is just a phase he is going through, but I am worried that as he gets older it will be harder and harder to have a good relationship. It's not like I'm new to the picture either...I have been in their lives for almost 5 years and have lived with all of them for 3. I guess after everything BM has put them through and his constant excuses for her, I start feeling rejected and very sad and disappointed. It is hard for me to understand how he feels especially when he won't tell us the truth. So I definitely understand how hard it can be when a child acts out or just doesn't want to respond to anything positive. I think it might be good for you to find somebody to talk to just to get things off your chest even once a week so you don't dwell...maybe even keep a journal. It always helps to have some form of an outlet. Try to stay positive and hope that it will pass in time. Good luck :)

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 3:30PM
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Kerrianna, just a quick comment from me before you get totally blasted by any other posters. People who post on a board like this have different motivations, but for a lot of us (including me) it is a safe place to express the difficult emotions and problems with other people who are in similar circumstances. And living with a person you didn't "pick" can be difficult! How many people haven't felt extreme annoyance living in close quarters with someone who just pushes their buttons for whatever reason? Who never had an assigned college roommate or person in their cabin at camp or a co-worker or a cousin that just made them nuts?

So first, try to understand what's causing your reaction. For one thing, if SS was just a kid down the block, you wouldn't have nearly as strong of a reaction. When you are in a stepfamily, the people you suddenly are thrown in with are in your presence much more than you usually deal with. Plus, here is this kid having a tantrum in public and I am sure you feel like it reflects on you negatively, which probably accentuates your feelings about him. Then there is the impact on your own kids, etc.

And here's the main thing: what you DO matters, not what you feel. If you acknowledge to yourself that you are having negative feelings about SS, and you want to do the right thing and help this little boy, you can start turning your feelings around by consciously doing what you think is best for him. One of my SDs drove me crazy in the beginning and I found myself avoiding her. So I would say OK, what's the adult thing to do here, and would act accordingly...and gradually, I started looking at the things about her that drove me nuts as kind of cute and endearing. And she and I are very close now. I'm proud to be seen with her and have people think I'm her mom! But in the beginning, no way. (And I woudl NEVER have told my DH that, either.)

So cut yourself some slack and remember than seven months is no time at all--there's plenty of time for things to change. If this little guy is going to be in your life for the rest of your life, you will develop more family-like feelings for him as time goes by, so just do things in a way that you will never have to look back and say "How could I have done that to sweet little Bobby," ha.

And you know what else helps? To have a place to vent, and I hope this place will work for you.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 5:47PM
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Ulrike1 Thank you! It's nice to hear I'm not alone!

There are times, like when were at the dinner table, where I look at ss and I think to myself...this is a child that is a part of dh, and I will feel a soft spot for him, and I tell myself 'your the adult, you can override the feelings' and then literally MAKE myself say something nice to him....or ask him a question to show interest .... but it doesn't last long. (chewing food loudly...or his talking constantly will get my insides in knots!!)

Also...I was a SD myself...and I didn't get along at all w/my sm...but she is my best friend now dad hasn't been married to her for over 15 yrs now...but I'm closer to her...we tell everyone that she got me in the divorce! lol ;)

Anyway...having a place it vent would be a GREAT thing for me....I already feel better after getting it off my chest as I've been keeping these feelings to myself for the last 7 months....and it's a very hard thing to admit out loud...I'm not proud that is for sure.... I just want to learn how to work thru the intense negative feelings.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 6:20PM
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Look for something to like about this boy. I saw that advice on another thread, something he does even halfway well. Butter him up when he does act nicely in public and at home. He'll feel better and you may too. He's under the stress of the new environment too.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 9:09PM
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I suggest you do not tell your DH because no one needs to hear that their spouse dislikes their children, it won't accomplish much, but I would go talk to someone neutral.

He might be annoying now but maybe it will pass and he'll be nice to be around. My DD was rather annoying at about age 14. I am glad I was not even dating then because I bet you some guy would dislike her LOL It might pass and you might start liking him, in a meanwhile i would go talk to someone neutral (don't tell your DH what you feeling, it will hurt him for no reason).

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 9:17PM
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I think this is a hard thing to keep from DH. It might be worth telling him you are struggling with it, and going to seek counseling. Hopefully he gives you credit for taking steps to deal with it. Then, if something blows up, at least this whole situation isnt "new" to innoculate yourself at some level.

You mentioned the "chewing" driving you nuts a couple times. I understand. I have that same reaction to SS1 who, at nearly 18, eats like a caveman. We have been working on the table manners for months. Tiny improvements, which I compliment. It's almost embarrassing having to compliment an 18 year old for acting civilized at a dinner table. But DH and I both know that we need to provide as many "ata-boys" as possible, to help his self esteem. But I am absolutely going NUTS inside at the table. Again, coming here helps.

Does your SS visit his BM?

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 11:07AM
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OMG! Chewing loudly!!!! With their mouth open!!!!!!!!!! aaaahhhhhh!!!!

Yesterday my DD 7 was doing that with her afternoon snack. I very nearly went crazy. It was physically affecting me to the point of distraction. I finally had to turn on the TV and go in the other room.

Kids can be SO annoying!

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 11:14AM
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He sees BM rarely.....and when he goes there, she gets to be 'super mom' even tho she has no job...lives at home w/her mom and dad ... but you know, it's the typical weekend parent lets him stay up as late as he whatever he wants etc etc.... then sends him home. I think I can count the # of visits on one hand he's had with her in the last 7 months.

Which I know is why he's so immature for his age ... dh coddled him to make up for the lack of mother presence...then found it backfired on him now that ss is (should be) starting to mature and go into his teens.... I am VERY surprised at the difference in the last 7 months.... although there are still set this morning, when dh reminded him to get in the shower, and he just sat down in the hallway and started crying! was time for me to leave for work! ;)

Things I like about ss... hmmm...this one made me think...and then laugh at myself at the same time...things I like about him are sometimes the same things I don't like...
for example: I like that he is a sensitive caring person...but he's TOO sensitve...(like he brought up a goldfish that died YEARS ago at the dinner table once...just out of the blue BAWLING...mouth full of food just dropped down as he was wailing away saying "I miss Goldie".... (btw..I've changed my seating at the dinner table so I no longer sit across from him to help my tolerance level stay low during my once favorite family time for me)

I'm really glad I found this's amazing the power of 'writing' and getting feedback... I was so scared to admit my feelings 'out loud' and they were really building and weighing me down.... I can tell a big difference now that I got it out..... this morning, when ss sat himself down in the hallway crying because dh asked him if he got in the shower yet....I just winked at dh..smiled and said "i got to get going, have a great day" ;) vs getting that knot in my stomach of instant stress and walking out wishing things were different....and I know it's because I 'let it go'

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 11:49AM
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Wow the BM in your situation sounds just like the BM I am dealing with! I could count on one hand the number of times she has tried to make contact in the last half a year or so, she also lives with her mom, but likes to play the whole "supermom" thing too! She lets them get away with so much that it is disgusting to see them interact with her because they know they don't have to respect her AT ALL. One thing that you might try, that has sort of helped for us....when my step children do go visit BM, we always have a little chat before they go saying that we will miss them and to have a good time and be nice to one another. Then when they get back, we always ask them how things went, and to tell us a few positive things about their weekend, then remind them that they are back home with us and they know our rules and how to respect people here. That way they will already have had a little preparation for getting back into the swing of things here so there is no excuse to continue treating each other the way they do at BMs. I can't imagine how they feel sometimes knowing how polar opposite the two houses are. But I think it helps reminding yourself that it is great that you guys have so much stability and a loving environment that *just might* make up for what the other parent has put them through. You will be able to look back on your life with satisfaction someday knowing you treated them lovingly and helped them through a difficult time. They will respect you until the end of time...someday. :)

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 12:29PM
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Kerrieanna, your SS sounds like he really has some emotional issues! It sounds like unprocessed grief to me. It's possible that even though he never saw his morther much in the past, that having his dad remarry, even to a nice, nurturing person, sort of shut the door on him spending more time with her. It doesn't matter how crappy a mother a person has--they still are hurt, bad, when the mother doesn't want to nurture. And being a "Disney Mom" is not nurturing--it's confusing and makes a kid feel less safe. So his seemingly inappropriate tears about Goldie might very well have been misplaced sadness about "Here are these kids whose mother loves them and mine doesn't..."

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 8:41PM
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My son was a tantrum thrower. Perhaps it is because they are not able to express their feelings verbally or don't want to deal with the actual issue that is upsetting them, so they throw a fit to get the frustration, fear, anger, or whatever emotion they need to release.. out. I believe the crying over a pet that died long ago is a way to have a reason to cry. Instead of dealing with the real reason they are sad and want to cry, they use the dead pet to feel sad and cry. My SD10's mom 'abandoned' her (I use the word abandon only because that is how it made SD feel.. her mom moved away to be with a new boyfriend and gave us custody) when she was 8. She would start crying and say she misses her cat that died when she was very little. DH said he can't believe she even remembers that cat, let alone mourn it. DH has pictures of the cat and has told me in front of her that the cat died. I don't believe she is actually mourning the loss of the cat, as much as she 'mourns' losing her mom... another example: My aunt passed away a few months after BM left. SD had never met her and the service was being held when SD was at her mom's. She may have heard someone mention her dying and that weekend, BM called DH to say SD was crying & having nightmares because people are always dying. My guess is that SD was crying and saying she was having nightmares because she wanted her mom's attention. She has also told her mom that she broke her finger at school when all she did was bend it backward & we took her for Xrays, so she knew it was not broken, but thought if she told her mom it was broken, she'd get some attention. It didn't work.

Find him a good therapist. and maybe one for yourself.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 11:52PM
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kerrieanna, your comments are god sent! When i read your post it was a relief foresure. oh how i can relate. Been married for 7 yrs. have a SS that is 13. And from day one when i met him when he was maybe 4, there was something that bothered me. His behavior and actions just drove me crazy. But there was something else that i just cant put my finger on. It didnt take long to see that there wasnt going to be a bond there. I just have to focus at copeing with those feelings of being irritated all the time. He has a terrible temper, treats his bio mom terrible. Cusses her out. Slams doors, difiant, the whole deal. Its really hard for me to not be effected by all this. I normally stand in the back ground and let the mom drive and do what she feels is best with him. He has completley run her over to where there is no longer respect at all for mom. SS has voiced for as long as i have known him how he wants to live with dad. me and SD get along well, but my wife still is hung up on the divorce and the type of person she feels he is. The SS i feel would be served well down with his Bio dad. What a hard spot to be in. I feel it would help all involved if he went down. His dad is on this high pedistal that its all SS talks about. SS needs to learn that dad isnt the disney land dad. My wife is not the same. this has taken a huge emotional toll on her and is starting to hurt our relationship. I am trying to see what i can try and do. The SS has been to counsling 2x, is on medication. the behavior is such a turn off to want to try and have a relationship there. Anyone that might have some advice, it would be great. Also other site recommendations would be really nice.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 11:09AM
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I know how all of you feel. I have been dealing with my boyfriends son for two years now. I have tried to break it off several times with him because of his son's behavior. The problem is not with our relationship but with his rather annoying son. I have read several posts on here where people are just astounded at how angry and upset we are at having to deal with these children, which way do we go? I have heard so many different answers that I'm not sure how to deal with it myself. Some say leave while others say show his son love but how can I when there are days when I'm so angry it shows? We both have our own places because living together just wasn't working. I tried moving on but that's difficult to when you just know in your heart this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with....ultimately leaving me resentful towards a child who honestly just feels like he's ruining my chance at happiness.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 5:12PM
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