really???

mom2emallFebruary 9, 2009

I am just wondering how often your children go to the hospital??

BM blew off kids last weekend. Made plans to take them...made a big deal of "great" things they were to do! We made sure they did not make any plans and none of them had any sports for once.

Friday came and no show. We tried to call the cell and no answer. Saturday came and no calls.

Yesterday BM called. I asked her what happened Friday and she said she had to take one of her kids to the hospital. I asked what happened and she stuttered out an illness. Not the first time the hospital excuse has been used. I am just wondering if she really thinks we are going to believe this excuse over and over again!

I told her that she had 3 kids here waiting for her Friday. Bags packed and all. Oldest sd turned down plans to go to the movies and a sleepover with friends. I turned down an invite to bring kids somewhere with my dh's cousin and her kids. And for what?? I told her the kids were PI**ED!! I told bm that they make phones for situations like that and pointed out that her cell would have worked fine on the way to the hospital!

She really sounded like she could have cared less.

Pathetic! I am disgusted...but not suprised of course. I just don't know how this egg donor can do this to her kids over and over again. Why not just leave them alone and let them be happy? Would be much better than putting them on an emotional rollercoaster all the time.

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colleen777

You truly are a dumb ass mom. So why is it do you suppose why this "egg donor" is behaving this way? Well of course none of it has to do with your and hubbies pissant behaviour does it?

Do you have any idea how much a female egg is worth? Let alone a full born child?

I sincerely hope you get yours back girlfriend!

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 11:08PM
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pseudo_mom

Could/would you tell mom next time she calls to make plans if she doesn't call you by _________ or atleast 2 hours before pick up time .... the kids will be making other plans that day?

but then I wouldn't know how to break it to the kids either that mom didn't show up so if there is something else you want to do its your choice you can wait for mom or do your own thing ... and if mom shows up I'll call you and see if you still want to go with her... sounds rough sorry.

My SC's mom used to be sporadic .... I would tell them well make your plans if she comes by or calls she can go get you if she wants to. Sometimes she showed up other times she didn't.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 11:17PM
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mom2emall

Colleen I have no idea what is meant by your post? Is it sarcasm? Because I can not imagine you would blame my dh and I for bm being such a loser! She has had every opportunity to be in her child's lives. It is her that has chosen to be absent.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 11:26PM
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believer

Colleen,

I too don't know what you meant by your post. If you are calling mom2emall names I think you should reconsider what you have just done. Please explain so that you are not judged unfairly by what I hope is a miss print of some sort.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 11:35PM
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colleen777

Now I actually have to answer to you because you did put forward a thoughtful question. First of all, I don't "blame" anyone because I don't find assigning blame useful.

I did take exception to the fact of you referring to the mother of the children as an "egg donor" as if she was only a chicken--the bird that gives eggs that we eat!

I know that relationships don't occur in a vaccuum, and the fact of this woman behaving the way she does, is not only because she is deficit in character, which is what you want to believe. It has a great deal to do with you and your husband.

She has an opportunity to have a relationship with HER children based on what you, their stepmother, says she can have as decided by the father.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 11:40PM
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pseudo_mom

Thats what you were offended by?

Do you really want to go there colleen?

If she were a "true egg donor" ... she wouldn't be breaking her children's hearts one broken promise at a time...

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 11:48PM
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colleen777

I suppose people are going to judge me anyway. I do consider quite carefully what I post, because remember I am being tracked. Is it the word ass that got you?

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 11:51PM
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mom2emall

I guess I was really just venting. And I did refer to her as an egg donor because she is so useless!! She barely sees or calls her kids (her choice!!!), makes plans and then does not keep them, does not call to say she is not keeping the plans, and takes on none of the financial responsibility for the kids. Besides giving birth I can not think of anything helpful she has done!

She can have as much of a relationship with her children as she is willing to have. She has never been denied phone calls to her kids. She choses not to make the calls. Whenever she has called the kids either talk to her right then, or call her back the same day if we missed the call.

With visitation all dh has really asked is for it to be planned (not just her showing up on our doorstep demanding the kids right them!) and for her to accommodate the kids schedules. That meaning that if they have a sporting event, party, or some type of school related activity that she bring them to it if she wants to take them for the weekend. She would rather not bother taking them to those things. It is too much of an inconvenience to her.

I guess when your not really a parent though you can make the decision to not bother with any of those responsibilities!

When she lived out of state we set up e-mail, instant messaging, webcams, etc for the kids to communicate with their mom. She used those resources a few times and then just stopped. We tried to get her to set up a regular time each day or weekend to meet the kids online but she wouldn't commit to anything like that. Said her schedule was too chaotic for her to make a schedule.

I just have a hard time understanding having three kids and then just letting them down over and over again! But then again she barely sees them so I must just have more of an attachment to them.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 11:55PM
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mom2emall

Colleen,

Can you explain to me how bm making plans to take her kids for the weekend and then not showing up or even calling is our fault???

We kept her plans. We made sure the kids were available and helped them pack to go over there. We rushed to make an early dinner so they could eat before they were to leave because bm has taken them around meal time before and not fed them.

So how is this one our fault??

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 11:58PM
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colleen777

I know you are dealing with an incredibly difficult situation. I admire you for what you have taken on. I have no argument with you.

I see you as a very caring, loving stepmother. And I am sure there are times that you see the mom as nothing more than an egg donor, but I know that isn't the main thing with you.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 11:59PM
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mom2emall

"And I am sure there are times that you see the mom as nothing more than an egg donor, but I know that isn't the main thing with you"

What do you mean that isn't the main thing with me??

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 12:02AM
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believer

colleen,

How is the biomom standing up her children a relationship that is defined by SM and DH? I don't think this is the first time.

Your choice of words doesn't not necessarily offend me. It is your point of view that I don't understand. Isn't this about how the kids have been treated? I just don't understand why you would attack the OP er.

Everyone is being tracked on this site.

You are entitled to your opinion of course. I would just like to know why you feel the way that you do. I'm very surprised by your opinion. You can explain at length why you feel the way that you do about mom2emall and her DH's roll in why the weekend turned out the way it did. I'd like to hear it.

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 12:06AM
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pseudo_mom

Colleen you were way off base with this one. They have to tried to accomodate that woman each time she wanted to be with her kids and dealt with the aftermath when BM doesn't show up.

Mom2 has been there while BM was MIA ... for years and a couple months ago shows up wanting her babies back .... but hasn't bothered to actually follow through with it ... just breaks her kids hearts over and over.

So if she comes here and bit&^es about BM she doesn't need to be told she is a dumb ass...

(whispers to colleen) I think it was just a $h!tty comment towards her.

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 12:15AM
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imamommy

all I'm going to add here is my opinion that it's shity that a mom can neglect seeing her first three kids but is actively raising the younger three. Just as I don't understand how my SD's mom can ignore her daughter to spend time with her BF's kids. As a mom, I can tell you that even if my kids were living with their dad and stepmom tried to define my relationship with them or they tried to make it hard for me to see my kids, there's nothing on God's green earth that could keep me from fighting tooth and nail to see my kids. I sure the hell wouldn't call up and promise to take them, get their hopes up and then just not show up without calling. What kind of mother does that?

I will never understand how my kids' father's could walk away from my kids and go off and raise a whole 'nother family and never look back.. But, at least they never looked back and dropped in on my kids' lives to give a glimpse of false hope, only to disappear again and break their little hearts. Yes, my kids suffered because of it but they didn't live in torment. If you aren't going to be in the kid's life... stay out of it. If you ARE going to be, then DO IT. (and they can say they stayed away because I made it hard for them or they didn't want to deal with me or it was somehow MY fault (after the fact), but there is still no excuse for not trying)

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 12:28AM
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colleen777

Who is it tracking you on this site?

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 12:29AM
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believer

Colleen

I assumed that by being tracked you meant that your participation here was being monitored by the web.garden site, thus my saying that we are all being tracked. If you meant something else then I misunderstood. What did you mean?

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 12:44AM
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dotz_gw

Relationships dont exist in a vacuum....The fact of this woman behaving this way is not only because she is deficient in character, which is what you want to believe.......Um, maybe IT IS ONLY because of her character....How can you know otherwise?

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 8:34AM
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helpwiththis

The BM behaves like this because she is selfish. She is like my sd's BM. She wants to have a life and just fit the kids in when it is convenient for her. She has them around just enough so they don't forget what she looks like. And when I say has them around I don't mean spends time with them. I mean brings them to her home to watch tv and be in the same place at the same time. Above that not much else happens.

Mom2 don't even pay any mind to the negativity of a poster on here that obviously does not know your story and all you do for those kids. Thank god they have you for a mother. If that EGG DONOR was their only chance at a mother they would be really messed up.

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 9:30AM
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imamommy

"And when I say has them around I don't mean spends time with them. I mean brings them to her home to watch tv and be in the same place at the same time. Above that not much else happens."

Hadn't thought of it like that but BM does the same thing. She gets SD for six days (3 weekends) a month and often has her spend the night at her BF's parents house at least one or two of those nights. Last weekend, SD spent all day Saturday at the park with her sister & BF's kids while BM and her BF stayed home. Sunday, they spent half the day to meet grandma to return SD's sister to her. Maybe it's just a difference of opinion on what 'quality' time is but sometimes I wonder why she even bothers if she isn't going to actually spend the very little time she has WITH her daughter.

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 10:25AM
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momof5angels

I wonder if there would have been an issue if this situation had been turned around. What I mean is, if this were the father flaking out on the kids and no-showing scheduled visits...I'm thinking that not many would be offended by one using the term "sperm donor" in reference to this absent father.

There truly is no excuse for this BM's behavior. A sick child does take precedence over a well child's fun events...however, she no-showed on Friday yet did not call until Sunday? And she has a cell? No excuse for this at all. At the least she could have called on Saturday afternoon...maybe even sent a text? Or a text to email? She could have taken just 30 seconds to call and say "Hey, can't make it...kid in hospital...sorry. I will have to call later."

My skids BM pisses me off to no end...I keep almost all of that to myself...except for what I put here of course. No one really knows how I feel about things in my direct surroundings. I come here to say the things I really feel at times and ask for advice when I don't know if what I feel is reasonable. In my house, to ALL of my children, bio and steps, I am loving, caring, nurturing and give a combo of praise and rewards...Anyone coming here to vent shouldn't be made to feel attacked. It is perfectly reasonable to refer to this woman as an egg donor...especially here where step parents should feel safe to air the deepest of their frustrations. Saying "I think you should look at this situation differently for this or that reason..." is to be expected and welcomed. Calling someone a dumb ass is not.

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 11:33AM
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silversword

Silly me, I thought the question was I am just wondering how often your children go to the hospital??

My dd has never been to the hospital. I have been twice since she was born, once for an injury and once for an illness. We avoid the hospital if at all possible. That's what the doctor's office is for unless a true emergency occurs.

And, were I going to the hospital, I would call whomever I had plans with and let them know I would not be able to honor those plans.

Friday came and no show. We tried to call the cell and no answer. Saturday came and no calls.

This is rude no matter who is involved, but when kids are involved it is inexcusable. A phone call takes but a minute. Unless there is dibilitating illness, and in that case the mothers I choose to associate with would all croak out "please... call my kids and tell them I can't make it".

Sorry. No sympathy for Bio-Mom from me. That's emotional abuse. Unfortunately the kids will have to discover this on their own.

I'd reign in my anger (as hard as it is) and let the kids cancel plans enough times and be disappointed enough times by her that the next time she calls to make plans they won't cancel because they know her mode of operation. Be sympathetic to them. Being angry will only make them defensive of her (in my experience as a skid).

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 11:35AM
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mom2emall

That was funny silver! ("Silly me, I thought the question was I am just wondering how often your children go to the hospital?? ")

I am just tired of the excuses from bm. She uses the sick kid or hospital excuse so much! She used it when she lived out of state and did not call for months at a time. She uses it now for blowing off the kids.

Really how long does a phone call take? Or even a text? Older sd has a cell phone. I have a cell phone. DH has a cell phone.

It just aggrevates me that she expects us to accept this sick kid or hospital excuse all the darn time. And my middle sd ate it up this time. Thinks her mom is wonderful. Guess that really bothers me!

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 11:58AM
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finedreams

people who have state insurances often go to the hospitals rather than making appointments with doctors. so if she is on medicaid, she might be taking kids to the hospital for normal visists. also people wiht no insurance take kids to emergency rooms so at least kids get some kind of treatment fast. then they simply do not pay the bill. but emergency room has to take them even if they don't pay the bill.

it is forgivable that mom didn't take SKs, but she had to call and let them know.

collene why do you think it is mom2emalls and dad's fault? I just wonder what made you think so. Do you think she didn't call because she knew she will be yelled at by SM? Just trying to guess

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 12:02PM
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imamommy

"I am just tired of the excuses from bm. She uses the sick kid or hospital excuse so much! She used it when she lived out of state and did not call for months at a time. She uses it now for blowing off the kids."

Yeah! When they overuse ANY excuse, then when it really happens, who's going to believe it? They think that it's a good excuse because who is going to argue with a medical emergency? SD's mom had knee surgery, but was seen out shopping the same day she said she can't get SD. Her BF claims he can't get his kids from their mom because he has to take BM to the hospital, but she was home watching TV when SD called her. BM can't get SD because she (cough cough) sick and doesn't want to get her sick too... but was at the baseball field with BF's kids, coaching. Haven't they ever heard of 'crying wolf'? Then when someone really is sick or really is at the hospital or really has an emergency, the reaction will be "yeah right!" and eye roll. (and then I'd feel terrible to react like that and I'd feel like I was the bad guy)

But, nonetheless, there's no excuse for not calling!

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 12:20PM
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silversword

Mom2,
I can understand. Know eventually the kids will realize what is going on. Honestly, I think you need to lower your expectations. Remind yourself of her patterns and try to have a relaxing day with the kids on "pick up" (or don't show-don't call-and-disrupt-our-schedule) days.

When the kids ask where she is don't put yourself in the "I'm sure she'll be here soon" stance. It just puts you in her corner.

Think of something fun you can do with the kids that won't be disrupted too much if she actually does arrive. That way your family gets quality at home time and there won't be so much concentration on her arrival, or lack thereof. The kids are the ones who are missing out on sleepovers, etc. but that is their choice. Eventually they will see who is there for them, and who makes random attempts.

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 12:56PM
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justnotmartha

Geez Colleen, did you forget to put the sugar on your Wheaties this morning? I think the way you approached making your point was rather dumb a$$, since we are tossing out judgments . . .

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 1:41PM
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mom2emall

While we are tossing out judgements I would like to hear your story Colleen. What brings you here?? Are you a bitter bm who just wants to blame the stepmom? A complete idiot who just passes out judgement before reading the whole story?

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 8:57PM
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