comparing children

sandracisFebruary 17, 2014

Hi, so I have an issue and I can't tell if I'm overreacting as my boyfriend says I am or if I have a valid reason to be upset. Long story short: 2.5 year relationship, he has a child with an ex, we live together, child lives with us every other week. He cheated on me with both baby mama (first 6 months of our relationship) and another girl a year later. We decided to stay together and things are pretty good. Backstory is because our history is important due to my insecurities. So, we just got into a huge argument because my bf said that when we have kids, one or more of them is bound to be mediocre due to the "law of averages". Now, this maybe wouldn't bother me except that he is constantly raving about how amazing and smart and above average his child is. I have NO problem with that- my problem lies in his assumption that of we had kids it wouldn't be the same. He says that I'm ridiculous for getting upset by this and that if he had more kids with his child's mother one of them would probably be mediocre too. I'm just shocked and upset with his assumptions not to mention hurt. He says my insecurities make me overreact and this isn't a big deal, that he would love our kids too but they probably won't all be above average. I just don't know how to handle this and I know we don't have kids yet but this is important and i feel like we are just on different pages. Am I wrong for wanting him to think any future kids we have will be amazing too? Especially in the face of constantly hearing how amazed he is and how special the child he already has is? Am I selfish, as he constantly tells me? Thank you for your help.

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colleenoz

Honest to God, I am baffled as to why you would even stay in a relationship with a jerk like him.

Let's recap: He cheated on you- twice. What's that saying, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice.." What guarantees do you have it won't happen again? None.

It's not normal to be "constantly raving about how amazing and smart and above average [your] child is". Praising them for particular achievements, yes. Going on about it, no. Assuming you will have mediocre children citing a specious argument about "laws of averages" is ill founded and cold. This guy will _not_ love the child he deems mediocre, I'd bet serious money on that. And this is not to say the child in question would _be_ mediocre, just that your BF has decided he is.

Why would he do this? It's a controlling mechanism. Your comments that he says "[your] insecurities make [you] overreact" and constantly telling you that you are selfish, make me think he is a narcissist who is playing you to get you where he wants you- in his control.

Do not stay with someone who makes you feel insecure and badly about yourself. Do not stay with someone who says, before they are even born, that his children are mediocre. Do not stay with a cheater- once a cheater, always a cheater. Seriously.

You sound like a nice person who would be a great Mom. Go out and find someone who will be a great Dad- this guy isn't the one.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2014 at 1:28AM
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mkroopy

I'm a guy, and normally try to stick up for some of the guys that are bashed by the women (who make up the majority) on this board, but yeah it's kind of tough to in this case.

As someone who was also cheated on twice by my (now ex) wife, I have experienced personally the lack of character in a person who can do that to someone they care for a second time. Hey stuff happens, people get in bad places in your life, I get that. I actually understood to a certain extent my ex's first affair. But after all the pain it caused, and after I agreed to try to put it in the past and work on things, for her to do it again. Well that's when my eyes opened up and I realized what a narcissistic b*tch I was dealing with and decided that was it, and I am glad I did. You apparently have decided to stick it out...uhmm, good luck with that.

As for the child stuff, your guy really sounds like a a$$hole, sorry to say. First of all, to go on and on about his kid like that...sounds like his is very insecure and living thru the child to a certain extent. I have been thru both sides of this parenting spectrum...as a young child (up to 11 or 12) my daughter my daughter was also an "over achiever"...top of her class, excelled at everything, etc. I'd like to think I appreciated it and didn't do all the "parental bragging" that nauseates me now, especially on Facebook, etc. Then it all took a turn and the last few years have been full of mayhem and withdrawal from school and society due to some pretty severe mental issues....she is 16 now is barely able to get herself to school these days. These days I am understandably very aware of people who excessively boast about their kids...really sort of burns me. And from what I have seen....it's a pretty good indication on where on the a$$hole scale a person lies. I have some friends with kids are exceedingly smart and at the top of their class, and you'd never know it. These people tend to be very decent, grounded people. Then I know people who I swear feel the need to rush onto Facebook and post every single achievement of their kids...winning a game, making honor roll, getting lead in the school play, etc. These are usually the same idiots that are always bragging about their car, house, pool, vacations, etc.....

Oh and for him to make comments on "your insecurities" is laughable....considering it was his actions that are largely responsible for them. Yeah I really would think twice about having kids with a guy like this....sorry to say....

    Bookmark   February 18, 2014 at 10:03AM
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mlly

Rarely do I comment on here, I'm more of a closet reader, but I urge you to consult with a therapist and find out why you would EVER consider having children with this jackass and why you would settle for him in the first place...you deserve better and your future children deserve better.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2014 at 6:26PM
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misskkay

Please, please, please read over your story and then ask yourself that question. If this story belonged to one of your friends, how would you answer? Would you think it would be a good idea for your friend to bring a child into the world with a guy who says such things to your friend? Who is already bashing their unborn child?

Chances are, you already know the answer....

    Bookmark   February 20, 2014 at 1:20PM
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sylviatexas1

much wisdom here.

There's something badly, dangerously, scarily wrong with a person who acts like this guy does.

It's hard for anybody, & I think maybe it's particularly hard for women & girls, to make a change, but take a deep breath & do it:

The way for you to have a happy life is not to learn to deal with this guy;
it's to get away from him.

Take care of yourself, & be careful, & get away.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2014 at 2:24PM
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sandracis

Thank you all for your comments and support. It is so hard to see situations clearly when one is in the middle of them. Stepfamilies and relationships in general are hard enough and after feeling so insecure about so many things I have a hard time trusting myself sometimes. So again, thank you.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2014 at 8:55PM
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