Am I being unreasonable?
First time poster here. Thank goodness I found you all b/c I am literally going insane here. I've been married to DH for almost 2 years now. He has two kids (SS - 6 and SD -4) and I have 2 kids (DS -4 and DD 2). We have primary custody for my kids and sole custody of his kids. I am the breadwinner for us all. DH stays home with SD and DD. The two boys are in school. We get child support for my two but he gets nothing for his and he refuses to go after BM for anything (don't even get me started on this!)
We just found out that our taxes doubled and our mortgage payment has shot up $200. We were just barely scraping by on my salary and child support. We have high medical bills right now too due to some surgeries that DH and I both had. It's been tough in our house to say the least.
Here is where the problem is. DH's mom is contstantly buying his two kids all kinds of crap that they don't need. She doesn't do this for ALL the kids - only her two bio grandchildren. They come home with new toys every weekend when they go visit her (they stay overnight at her house 1 night on the weekend). She gives SS money every week so he can buy his lunch at school, she gives him money for everything the school sends home asking for money for, she even went so far as to get 6 year old SS a cell phone for when he's on the bus with DS! We literally live 2 miles from the school and are on the bus for half an hour if that! She gives SS and allowance for "yard work" which is a complete joke b/c she has a lawn service. She also gives him money for being good in school. He gets all kinds of grades from As to Fs. He still gets money even if he gets Fs. She feels like if he's trying, then he deserves money. She obviously has all kinds of money to shell out b/c someone that is hard up would not have that kind of money to blow. Last month alone she spent at least $75 on them (and that's stuff I SAW!) She claims she's destitute though (insert eye rolly here).
Since the mortgage payment went up, I've asked DH to ask her if she could channel some of the "crap money" into buying the kids things they NEED - like new clothes, dental insurance, hair cuts... DH REFUSED! He said it's our responsibiliy to provide these things for them and he refuses to ask her. I said, well, if the parents are struggling and 2 of the kids are getting spoiled rotten, it would stand to reason that we could ask her for a little help that would benefit EVERYONE. Don't even get me started on how unfair it is that she just buys for her two bio-grandkids and not all of them. My parents are not in a financial position to help at all right now. If they were, I would ask. They rarely ever get my kids anything except on holidays and birthdays. They just can't swing it right now (father on disability and mother has to take care of him and my elderly grandmother).
DH says I'm being totally unreasonable and that his mom should be able to do whatever she wants with her money. In the meantime, I'm struggling to make ends meet. I work overtime every Saturday and I also have my own Ebay business that I do on the weekends too. I also do all the laundry and grocery shopping as well as a lot of the cleaning in the house. It's not an easy life. I rarely get to buy myself anything, let alone buy my kids anything. What really sucks is that $1200 a month of my income is from my ex for my two kids but I've been using that money to support us.
I know what y'all are thinking - why doesn't he get a job. I have suggested that and tell him that's what I wish he would do but he hasn't taken any steps to do that. I've told him not to ask me for anything anymore and if he sees something he wants, or his kids want or need, he needs to ask his mother (or BM - yeah freaking right!). I just can't handle all the bills anymore myself. He refuses and tells me that we WILL be arguing again if his kids need something and I refuse.
I do not understand why his Mom can't redirect her help to get these kids things they need?! Am I wrong to want help? He won't go after BM for support and I am struggling!!! I am hurt that he can't see how hard this is for me or that I deserve to have things too. It's so hard to swallow seeing his kids getting everything they want while I work my a$$ off and I can't even buy myself clothes that fit me (I've been losing weight due to all the stress). I am so angry at him and wonder how I can put up with this? I am in counseling and my therapist thinks I'm crazy to stay. She thinks I'm hoping for him to morph into something he will never be. We have such different values on a lot of things too. We argue a lot. It's getting so we are arguing more than not. I hate this and I don't know what to do anymore.