help

canttellFebruary 11, 2010

I have a 21 yr old SD who lives with us.she is in college and is becomming such a struggle for me...we cant afford to pay for her classes,she refuses to work let alone even help out around the house,maybe every once in awhile will put dishes in the dishwasher. now she is on an diet kick and is opening up food that eventually goes to waste and it takes away from our meals that i prepare for dinner for the smaller children. we pay for her cable internet and phone as well as cell phone andgas and everything else, I can't bring this up to my partner because there has been so many issues regarding adult Skids,,3 of them has done nothing but disrespect me and now that we have our own small children that we r adopting, its even worse..I feel like i am so alone in this situation.I feel bad recently had a blow out with older SD but I feel bad because there was a weight off my shoulders,,if that makes any sence,,,

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finedreams

is she doing OK in school? is she very busy with school it might be hard to work. several of DD's friends attend Ivy League and they have hard time working due to load of school work, in fact most DD's friends go to college full time but do not work.

DD works a lot, but on occasion she has difficulty juggling. when she has big assignments and has to work long shift in a restaurant, she ends up staying up all night writing papers and then going to class, and from there going to work again, and on top of everything she is commuting far to both work and school. I am proud of her but sometimes I feel bad that she does not see day light, literally leaves home in a dark and comes back in a dark. It effects her health.

is there any particular reason SD does not work? no jobs? no time? what is her excuse?

if she is 21, she might be close to graduation so she can take a loan, she can take a decent amount last year of college. if you cannot pay, why not tell her to take a loan? did you suggest it to her?

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 7:58PM
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colleenoz

Whatever her class schedule it does not excuse her not helping around the house, wasting food and being disrespectful. With no job, who would give her a loan?
I would be cutting back on the cable and cell phone at the least. You really do need to discuss this with your partner, if you're going under financially he's going too.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 11:57PM
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caphillsm

She can get a student loan without a job.

I agree with colleenoz, there is NO excuse for her not helping around the house.

Why isnt she living on campus? With work study opportunities and student loans, she should be able to pull it off. At her age, she needs to be taking more responsibility. What about babysitting in return for letting her live there? Would that help? And how does she afford special "diet food" without a job?

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 10:43AM
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gerina

You should discuss your financial concerns with your partner. Instead of suggesting that the kid get a job (which I personally think she should do or financial aid), tell your partner that he/she should pick up a second job to pay for these additional expenses. It bet your partner would rather have DD contribute to or cut back on expenses rather than having to take a second job to pay for everything.

As an aside, and not to hijack this thread - What is it about our generation that wants to infantilize our children? I was just talking to a friend about this forum yesterday because of the KKNY Dad v. Mom thread. I am in my very late 40's and as I said in KKNY's post, I was required to pay rent at 18. Additionally, any college would have been my expense. The friend (mid-40's), with whom I spoke to yesterday, is an architect and a graduate of Princeton University. She moved out after high school (late year b-day, she was 17), she worked during high school (we laughed at our minimum wage jobs making $3.35/ hr). She rec'd a scholarship for her under grad studies, the scholarship did not cover all of her expenses and she worked the entire six years she was at school.

I'm not implying that everyone should get an Ivy League education in those terms, but if instead of coddling our children, we gave them some responsibility and raised the bar a bit for them, they will mostly be capable of shining.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 11:32AM
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canttell

thank you all for your input. she is going to a junoir college and she starts out full time each semester but always ends up dropping classes..I am not allowed to bring up any negative issues with my partner because then im just attacking the adult step children..my expectations r much different and I do not believe in infantizing but rather teaching life's responsibilities.. these adult children have been taking a toll on our relationship..there was a pont in time where all three adult children were living with us.I was cooking ,cleaning mowing the lawn,doing their laundy and dealing with them bringing over their other parent uninvited-they just have no respect and at this point I realize that I cannot love them the way my partner would like for me too..the three small children is what I need to focus on and although I do realize the adult children 21,23,26 may need attention as does everyone..im at my witts end.. iv'e been called every bad name u can think of,jealous,selfish u name it and all in front of my partner..there is no excuse for her not to get a little job or too help out around the house baby sitting for rent is a great idea but I have to pay her for it now cause before she told me flat out that she wouldn't watch the kids..plus i don't trust her...sad

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 1:33PM
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sylviatexas1

"i don't trust her"

Get your kids & get out of there.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 3:40PM
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catlettuce

"Get your kids & get out of there. "

Agreed.

If you think it's bad now..and I would definately put off any more kids adoption or otherwise. I have a situation where I'm not "allowed" to have any say/feeling about how I'm treated by skids either. Thankfully they don't live with us anymore. Trust me this is a lose/lose situation. Because like my situation your partner obviously doesn't respect you enough to stand up for you when your being disrespected.

~Cat

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 10:52AM
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canttell

thank u all for your input but I cant help to feel like im being sneaky about talkin about this at all..Im probably not the easiest person to live with either..with it always being such a struggle or fight I have become a person not even I would like..sometimes it becomes so predictable you know the calm before the storm..the oldest is like a shark swimming around waiting for the right moment to attack,so I try to stay focused and even tho i feel sneaky the most important thing is that I am able to get it out so thank u..

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 12:04PM
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justnotmartha

The most important thing is that you are being abused and mistreated, and you have to walk on eggshells about that as to not upset your husband. You are being diminished by him and told you can't have an opinion about YOUR house and YOUR money. Difficult to live with is not the issue here. No human deserves to live as a second class citizen. Please think twice about bringing another child into this mix, and think twice about being in it yourself. Good luck.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 10:49PM
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marysdottir

Canttell, when people feel "sneaky" as you said you do, it's usually because they feel disloyal to someone or something. The other time people feel "sneaky" is when they are afraid of being caught doing something even if that thing is not wrong in and of itself.

If you are feeling disloyal, ask what it is that you owe loyalty to. Is it your DH? Your relationship? Your family (however you define that)? What ever you feel disloyal to, is it something that really deserves your loyalty? Your DH seems to have forfeited a right to loyalty by telling you that your opinions and needs don't matter in comparison to those of his adult children. Your relationship and family don't seem to value you so how have they earned your loyalty? Maybe your loyalty is misplaced.

If you are feeling afraid of somehow being caught talking about family business, then get out now. If you are afraid you need to leave that relationship before you get in deeper with more ties to that man.

Your DH needs to come to terms with the fact that your needs matter, especially if he is on board with having more children with you.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 2:24AM
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