RE: I dislike my stepchild, may even hate him at times

jujubee81February 15, 2010

I have read this post and have come to the conclusion that I must not be the only women who feels animosity, anger and resentment toward her stepson. I don't really care who judges me but what I can say is that every one is entitled to the way they feel. The problem is not how we feel about the situation but what can we do to fix it? Is counseling going to really help the situation...I don't believe that we were really ever meant to raise other people's children to begin with. Choices were made either by ourselves or others that put us in this situation and I am aware that no one is completely blameless. Where do we go from here? I have been in a relationship with a wonderfully amazing man struggling with a child that I feel is a burden to have around but I love his father.This is something we all have to deal with for the rest of our lives...and those of you who love your step children...well didn't God smile down on you! However, those of us that are struggling now need direction, not finger pointing. It's like the old're pointing your finger at me though you have three more pointing back at you. Now, those of you who have any POSITIVE things to help us through these trying times...please help.

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This thread really got to me when I read what this woman had to say about her SK's. For anyone that feels the same to expect other posters to help in trying times. Well,
I do not believe positive things are going help people that have hate for a chid. If your BF's child is a burden then find another boyfriend before you become another SM that hates her step child and gives SM's a bad rep. Most SM love and care for children BK or SK does not matter, ther are KIDS. Tell your BF his sweet little boy whom he loves is such a burden to you. He will more than likely do the hard part of breaking up for you. Good luck in finding positive through a negative eye.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 5:21PM
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strange you are saying it is not a choice to raise someone else's child...of course it is. you can just date men with no children and problem solved. i don't see where the issue is, you are not even married, just go find yourself a man with no kids. of course it is your choice. why would you choose to be around people you hate, kids or adults? weird

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 5:39PM
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I used to have these unwarranted negative feelings towards SD.

Anyone who has unwarranted anger, resentment, frustration, irritation or name-you-emotion towards a child needs to do some soul-searching and figure out where it is REALLY coming from. Probably not the kid.

I had the same feelings as OP did. DH was using his daughter as a buffer between he and I, which was causing me to direct my anger at her. I was angry with a child when I should've been angry with HIM. I'm sure he would've never intentionally made his kid the target of another person's anger, but his not wanting me to be angry with him inadvertantly put the anger on someone innocent.

Imagine a person standing on the other side of a wall. You can't get to the person so are you going to be mad at the wall, or the person who put themselves behind it? It's not the wall's fault the person stood behind it. That's exactly what DH was doing with his daughter.

At least I can recognize it now when I start to slip into those old feelings again (yesterday, for example), and can handle them productively.

When I used to dread seeing my SD, it wasn't because of anything she had "done". It was the dreaded feeling of being all but ignored, left alone while he would take her somewhere, having our plans changed because she didn't want to do what we were doing, or having to eat something I didn't like because she didn't want to eat what I had planned.

Now, Pseudo....that's a whole 'nother deal (as we would say here in Texas). Pseudo has been harmed in every way possible by her SD. I can see where the dislike would come from.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 6:13PM
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Thanks ashley .... getting better not so much dislike anymore ....I have been trying to find things I like and when I can't .... I go with "neighbor kid" if she were the neighbors kid how would I react .... other than being able to "send her home" for not following the rules I know eventually she will go home so I "deal" .... :) I go read, take a bath, hide out in the cellar, I used to go shopping lol but that started costing tons of money!!! So now I just walk away (sometimes run) Basically take myself out of the line of fire if I am not in her way how can she direct her anger at me.

I did block her from sending me text messages though ... (mom got her a cellphone for christmas, Thanks mom!)

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 1:01PM
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Jujube, you are absolutely right, you are entitled to your feelings. Criticizing you for them and telling you to feel different is no help at all. If you don't like being a parent to someone else's child, then you don't, and you are entitled to feel that way. It's certainly not for everyone.


The child is also entitled to something. And that is to live with adults who will care for and protect him, and, if they can't quite love him, at least try to like the child the best they can, not see him as nothing more than a "burden." You wrote, "Choices were made either by ourselves or others that put us in this situation and I am aware that no one is completely blameless." If it's true of anyone that "choices were made" (and do note the passive voice) by others that affect them, it's certainly true of the children. They didn't choose to be born, they didn't choose for their parents to split up, they didn't choose for their parents to remarry. The adults in the story are the ones who have to make the adjustments and compromises, not just because they made the choices, but because they are the adults. Fair or not, that's it; children can't be expected to sacrifice their childhoods for a parent's or an unrelated adult's expectations of romance and marriage.

And your husband is entitled to something, too. You may not have a mother's duty toward your son, but you have a wife's duty to your husband. His duty to his son is non-negotiable. How do you support him in fulfilling that duty and feeling good about it? I know it isn't easy. But look at it from his point of view. What is it like for him to feel like he is always trading off his wife's and his son's interests in a zero-sum game? You write that you love this "wonderfully amazing man." Try to let that love guide you in this situation and think of what he needs from you; don't make him choose between his son and his wife.

Thus, the solution to the dilemma is NOT for the child to go away or be rejected or pushed away by his father. If you don't want to be involved with a man with children, then don't be; there is nothing wrong with that choice even though others choose differently. I won't blame you, the same as while I admire people who adopt children with serious handicaps, I don't blame those who decline to do so. But anyone who makes those difficult choices and accepts those challenges has to step up to the plate and do her best, not focus only or even primarily on her "entitlements."

Good luck to you; I know it's really hard.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 2:26PM
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