BM is driving me CRAZY!!!!!!

momof3_stepof1February 17, 2011

Hello everyone! I am new here. I have been reading for awhile but haven't posted anything, just one answer. My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 9. I have 2 DS of my own, 1 of which believes he is my husbands son. He has one son and we have one together, so 4 total. We have custody of ss, we obtained custody in October. SS is 10, my dh and I started dating when ss was 4 months old. He and bm were never a couple, just one of those things.

From the beginning bm has totally taken advantage of my dh. He has always been there for ss. ALWAYS!! He used to work night shift and would have him with him while he was supposed to sleep... therefore not getting any sleep, just go to work exhausted. We had him constantly as a baby. My DS that believes my husband is dad is 7 months older then ss, so when ss was 9 months old, I had him while dh worked. We were grocery shopping and he held his arms to me and called me mama. That's how much we had him. He was confused even back then. DH was not ordered to pay a ton in support. Just $58 per week. BM would ALWAYS ask for diapers, money for daycare and anything else she could think of. I put my foot down finally and said no more. I NEVER asked my ds's fathers for anything extra. She moved to a town quite a ways away from us. My dh didn't say a word, just met her at her designated location... 15 minutes from her home, 45 minutes from ours. I didn't like it but went with it.

In 2006 we moved to a town over 2 hours from ss. We still continued to get him every other weekend and TONS of time during off school time. We drove 1.5 hours to her 30 minutes. Which she threw a fit over having to drive the extra 15 minutes. I pointed out to her that I could infact show her the parenting time rules and guidelines where it stated half way or one parent make a full trip at the beginning and the other at the end of parenting time if she would like. I was giving her an inch. She took it. She has ALWAYS asked for half of each ONE sporting activity she put SS in each year. We bought shoes each year for school and clothes. We also always sent TONS of clothes home each Christmas. Basically he has ALWAYS been treated EXACTLY as my children who have always been full timers.

This past June BM decides to move to another state, 5 hours from us. With a new man she JUST met. Just after her divorce from her ex-husband whom she'd been with for the same length of time as my dh and I. The rules of our state state that neither parent can move out of state without the consent of the other parent or the court. My husband told her that he would not consent to ss moving to the other state. She threw a massive fit. Stating that it didn't matter what he said, that she would be moving and he was going with her period. We obtained an attorney. During all of this bm moved to a questionable neighborhood. She left ss, who was 9 home all day (8hours) while she worked. He didn't eat healthy, he stayed out till all hours of the night and she didn't know where he was. I took pictures of text messages from her to him on his phone. Again, he was 9!!! She's an alcoholic. ss new what Foster's was at age 5. She's never taken him in for regular dr. visits. He wets the bed. My husband has diabetes run in his family.... she doesn't care. I've taken him for every eye check. She's let him miss many many days of school, didn't take him in for an earache that lasted over a week, in which he missed school. Anyway.... In October she let us have him for our weekend. His fall break. She texted my dh from the other state and stated that she wasn't coming home, that we should enroll him in school. We took that and ran with it. We called attorney next day and court was scheduled for Thursday. She again threw massive fits. She did NOT want a judge deciding what would happen with their son. She didn't want to pay child support, she didn't want to give up her tax deduction (which she took all 10 years), she wanted him every other weekend and all summer. Again, this drive is 5 hours, meeting half way is 2.5.... that's 10 hours for each parent and child EVERY OTHER WEEKEND!

The judge awarded us primary physical custody and them joint legal custody. She gets ONE weekend a month, spring break or breaks from school. They have to keep their jacked up holiday schedule (they go by years, she gets all holidays one year, he gets the next) and she gets 8 weeks in the summer. That's it. She is ordered to pay $56 per week, she didn't have to start paying until January 1. So she got over two months to get her life together.

Over Christmas break she was to keep him until January 2, she called and wanted him to go home January 1. So we went to get him. She has backed out of every weekend since. Saying she has to work. She didn't send any child support until Feb 4, we didn't get it till the 15th. She only sent him one shirt home she had gotten him for Christmas. Again, we used to send piles home. She even kept some of his clothes we sent because they were dirty. Anyway, she sent my dh a text Monday stating she was getting him this weekend. I asked DH to please speak to her and make it a set weekend every month. I can't live by her last minute schedule. He said he would. SS had basketball practice last night and he has his first game this Friday night. He told dh he didn't want to go to bm's because he wanted to play his game. DH told him he really needed to see his mom but would let him call her to decide that. He texted her to give her a heads up... to be nice. She came back with "haven't seen him since xmas, will meet at 7:30 Friday" He said that's fine. But he's going to call and I just wanted to let you know, you can tell him he has to come. She then stated that she can not go this long without seeing her son again and for us to plan to meet her every other weekend. My husband texted back that that wouldn't happen, it's too expensive for gas. She then stated that he got a great deal in all of this custody thing.... because not only does he not have to pay support anymore, but she has to pay him. That he now has an extra $500 in his pocket every month. That she never denied him the visits that he couldn't deny her. BLAH Freakin BLAH!! My DH has a COURT ORDER stating one weekend a month..... PLUS.... how does she think we are just sitting on this extra money? It's the same cotton picken money she had when she had him and she didn't have enough!!! We have put him in basketball twice at $50 per pop and just signed him up for baseball at $100. He eats like a horse, I had to buy him lots of new clothes because hers were crap. I have to wash linens almost everyday, and he has to shower everyday because of bed wetting. We never once asked for half of the money for the sports. I won't because I don't ask my son's dad for it. (I try really hard to be fair) How do we have extra money? So my dh tells her that every other weekend would cost us about $400 in gas, there goes all the support to her. AND that it's mean to make him make that trip so often. Plus that she chose to make this move not us or not ss. She then told my dh that "just for the record, $56 for 10 years didn't pay for %$*&" and that she gave ss up to save her relationship with him. BLAH BLAH BLAH. No crap, that doesn't pay for much, that's why we constantly gave her so much extra... and that's EXACTLY what she's paying us now.... but in our pockets it's supposed to make us rich or something. UGH!!! She's a moron!

So... my dh decided to allow ss to stay with us for this weekend to play his game. He will then allow ss to go to his moms next weekend and stay till Monday night missing school on Monday. Simply just to hang out with her. He told her he would not make this a habit. Though she thinks it's no big deal to miss school and that she thinks she should get more time with him. The judge court ordered her ONE weekend a month. And I KNOW NO judge will agree to her having him out of school to spend time with her. She thinks we will work with her. I have NO trouble with her coming here to watch her son play games, but she won't. She won't come to this town. We are NOT going to meet her anymore then ONE weekend per month. He is NOT going to continuously miss school. His grades went from straight b's with her to 4 A's and 2 B's with us. He never turned in homework with her.... it's priority number one every night at our home. He's Happy now. She can't handle it. She just wants to cause trouble with us. I've put up with this for 10 years. I don't know how I'm ever going to make it another 8 or more years.

I'm sorry this is so long. She just infuriates me. She is so into herself. Not caring for anyone else. Anyone have any suggestions?

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I do hear your pain ... I don't know it but I am reading it and I am sure you are frustrated.

My concern is what if she doesn't bring him back? And you have to go through all the court stuff again to get him back? I would be afraid to send him.

Secondly, I think you need to stop comparing what you do with your bio kids with how she is because the standards just aren't the same. I don't ask my ex for one extra dime because he pays support and it's a lot more than you are receiving but I wouldn't ask for it any way if it were less. Some people are just that way. My sister is that way.

You obviously care about ss or you wouldn't be frustrated over how bm dressed him or how she just gave him up... 8 yrs is only the beginning. You have many many yrs of BM ahead so I say know what to expect and carry on.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2011 at 8:12PM
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Hi, Mom of 3! I've got some suggestions, based on my experiences.

First, your DH needs to get a set schedule with her, of one weekend per month, as the CO says. It either needs to be set dates or two weeks notice or something. If she refuses to agree to any particular schedule and wants to reserve the right to call at the last minute demanding to see her son, you're going to have to find the money to see an attorney and see what can be done about this. I know exactly what that is like; we've been through that exact thing, and BM will use this to torment you. You will find yourself unable to make plans for any weekend because you'll never know if BM will call to announce that she hasn't "gotten to" see her son and now wants to do so immediately. SS may need to see his mother - but he also needs stability and structure, and he should be able to make plans without knowing that they are always subject to last minute change due to his mother's whims.

Secondly, your husband needs to stop talking to BM. Again, I know exactly what this is like. BM will use DH's attempts at co-parenting and maintaining a civil relationship to insinuate herself into your lives, to wreak havoc, to cause stress, to get attention - DH needs to just stop it. Obviously they must talk about SS - but he is all that they need to talk about, and if the conversation veers off of that topic into how much money you now have for gas, why the CO was unfair, how the CS is too much money and she's broke, how mean her new BF is, what's wrong with you, what's wrong with DH, what's wrong with the world, or anything else - DH needs to simply say "I've got to go now" and hang up. He does not need to justify, explain, excuse, elaborate or any other such thing to her anymore. He only needs to be civil and calm while discussing SS, and that's it. The longer any conversation lasts, the more BM will try to draw DH into an argument or dispute. Co-parenting does not mean that BM gets to rant and rave at you or DH at will and you are obligated to listen to her, or worse yet, respond.

Third, I'd have a budget that does not include any CS that she is supposed to pay. If she actually sends some, that's a nice bonus - but I wouldn't be counting on it.

Lastly, if she pulls some stupidity and does not return SS on time, call the police and file for an emergency hearing immediately. Don't let it go "this one time" - because it will happen again if you allow it too.

You can make it through this. Your DH is now custodial parent. You now have a CO saying that she gets one weekend a month and pays CS. The status quo has changed and DH does not have to "work with her", or bend over backwards to accommodate her. He has to follow the CO, no more, no less.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2011 at 9:50AM
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Thank you for the responses. Mattie you and I think exactly alike as far as this is concerned. I've said EVERYTHING you have to my dh. For the month or so that she was single I wouldn't allow him anywhere near her alone, she would try to talk to him like they were best friends. I didn't feel right about it. The one time I couldn't go with him I forced him to take two kids with him. Haha!

She just has this serious sense of entitlement that I cannot stand. She didn't pay her support till after the month was over, now I'm afraid she isn't going to pay at all because she lost her job. When my husband was without a job I paid his support so that he wouldn't get behind. She knows this. She even expected it. It's really difficult to get my husband to go after her for the support, he says he doesn't care about it. But then he gripes about being broke. I stay after my son's dad to pay because that's the only thing he does for our son. There's no reason to let them off the hook. The last time my husband said that he didn't care if she paid, I told him fine.... don't complain to me about being broke, AND, I'll drop the support for by son's dad too. That way they can all be deadbeats and just live for themselves. We'll take care of everyone's kids all by ourselves. He didn't like that.

He really doesn't like talking to her. And it's usually just text messages but I HATE it all the same. She is so pushy about what SHE wants. Then she'll come back and say it's all about him and she just wants him happy. That's bull.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2011 at 1:56PM
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