Vacation question- going by myself to bring SS's or not

ilovethemouseFebruary 15, 2010

Hi - I have never posted here but need some advice. I have three older SS and two younger sons with my DH. We usually go away on family vacations all together as a family.....We had a trip to Disney planned for the fall but my DH just found out he will not be able to go. We will probably do a family vacation in the summer somewhere else. I however really had my heart set on going to Disney in the fall. He suggested that I still go with our two sons....Do you think that it right?? I have to admit I would feel a bit wierd going away with all the boys without DH. I do get along very well with them but I do butt heads with the oldest one at times (he is a mirror of his BM - lies,lazy..etc)..I have been in my SS's lives for over 7 years and I do love them a lot but not sure I would want to take them away by myself. They do get to go on vacations with their BM too so my DH said I shouldnt feel guilty because our two never get to go anywhere with just us but my SS's go away without us.

So what do you think?? I am only going for a few days - is it ok for me to just bring my two boys or should I bring them all??

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Honestly, I would offer to take them all, just because it's not fair to exclude them because their father cannot go. It might even help your relationship with them to spend the time doing something fun without their dad around.

However, I would not force them to go, I would sit all the kids down together and ask "who wants to go?" and if they don't want to go, at least you offered. I learned a long time ago that if kids don't want to be there, they will ruin the trip for everyone... and make it miserable.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 4:49PM
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Ima really would do that.

Ima has no fear in her body.

I my own self would keep thinking "5 boys!" "5 big ole boys!" & have a panic attack & they'd have to call 911.

If you decide to take the 5 (5!) of them, maybe you can get someone to go with you-your sister, hubs's sister, etc.

Whatever you do, have fun!

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 5:26PM
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it depends on the kids. some kids are easy to travel with and some are not, cannot say anything until I know more about them. if they are regular kind of boys with no much craziness then of course take them all but if they are type of kids who ruin every vacation by whining and nagging then i would think twice...what do the kids want to do?

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 5:34PM
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I'd also be intimidated at the prospect of 5 boys -- 3 of whom aren't my own.
I also wouldn't feel guilty not including them...

Interesting question --
What would the boys' BioMom say about StepMom taking her boys to Disney?
That might kill the prospect guilt-free...

(Oops, there's my passive agressive streak again.)

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 5:50PM
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There is absolutely nothing wrond with you taking a trip with your kids without the SSs. They don't invite yoyr kids on every trip they go on so why should your boys miss out?

Take your kids and enjoy the bonding time and don't worry about it!

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 6:25PM
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Sylvia~ you made me laugh!

Maybe it's because when my kids were small and I got together with exBF (and his 3) I had 6 kids between 1-7 yrs old. and during that time, I was the aunt that took all the kids when the parents wanted a break, ours was the house where the kids congregated and I threw the big birthday & halloween costume parties... so it was not unusual for 10-15 kids to be around all the time & I would take all 6 kids on trips to the coast when my exBF was our of town working... of course they were all under 12 by then and there was never a distinction of "these are MY kids", "these are HIS kids"... and of course, I never ever considered taking a trip without them if I was going to take my kids. If I was going to take kids, it was all the kids.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 6:36PM
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Their BM would care if I take them.
My DH doesnt want the older two to miss school. My older will be starting HS and my other will be in 7th. We are going during the week to avoid the crowds (my youngest son has Autism and doesnt do well with crowds). My Dh thinks I should go with my youngest SS who is in 3rd grade and then our two. The time we are going is around Halloween which is when I have always wanted to go - they do a dress up party where the kids wear costumes and trick or treat....My older boys wouldnt be caught dead dressing up and doing that....they just want to miss school.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 12:12PM
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Re Autism and crowds, if you go to 'Town Hall' when you first arrive, you can get a type of pass that allows you to avoid the lines on most of the major attractions. I don't recall exactly how it works (my autistic DS was 5 when we went) but it was a lifesaver and good for all of the Disney parks. We were able to go over peak summer vacation times and avoid the long waits.

Phone the folks at Disney in advance to find out exactly what you need to get the pass (Fast Pass?) You may need a letter from your doctor attesting to a legitimate 'medical need', but that shouldn't be difficult to get, particularly if you draft it.

Are you sure he'd be OK with all of the costumes? That used to freak out my little one...

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 1:26PM
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Thanks Sweeby - We went to Disney for 8 days this past Aug - The GAC card was a lifesaver for us!! He loved the trip thanks to the card...As far as costumes - I think he would be ok - he loves the characters and guests arent allowed to wear masks. Thanks :-) I would rather go during the week though then on weekend or when they have off of school - he gets very "off" if we are walking through large crowds so I figured if we went at on off time along with the card it shouldnt be too bad.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 2:09PM
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Well, what their mother thinks may or may not be relevant.

If they want to go and BM says they can't, then that's on her. If they want to go and you say they can't, they get mad at you and there could be resentments. If they want to go and your husband says they can't, they still get mad at you because they may think you told him to say that. Missing school is a poor excuse if you are going to allow your son to miss school... again, a teen would probably resent that. (and it doesn't help if there is already some sibling rivalry) That also brings up the question of what would you do if your husband WERE able to go? Would you let them miss school? Was the trip planned in anticipation of them going, along with your husband?

Do you HAVE to take them? No. Should you feel guilty if you don't? No. Do you have to live with the fallout? Most likely. Only you know your entire situation & what your relationship is like with these boys. Your decision has the capacity to change it for better or worse.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 2:10PM
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i just read that you plan on taking them out of school? I didn't realize is unacceptable. why do you think it is OK to miss school for vacation?

what their mother thinks is very relevant in my opinion! I personally would not be too happy if SM decided to take DD out of school for vacation! and wouldn't even discuss it with me? of course some kids would love to miss school but most parents don't endorse it.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 6:48PM
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My kids never miss a day of school unless they are sick which is rare - I dont think there is anything wrong with taking them out of school for a day or two. We arent going for a week. I know plenty of others who do it -as well as teachers who go on vacation as well.

I never said what their BM thinks doesnt matter - My other post was in error - I meant to write she wouldnt care - The kids and I and DH have already discussed it with her when we had all planned on going.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 9:34PM
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and also - the only reason we are going this time of year was for the Halloween party which they have select nights in october - as I had said before my youngest son has Autism and does better there during the week when most people are in school - so yes I would gladly trade a day or two of school one time in our lives and have him enjoy himself then not go at all.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 9:42PM
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To all of you who have responded - I am not sure if I can go back and edit a post but when I was reading what one of the posts said I realized I made an error...
I had wrote the their BM would care if I take them - I meant to write she wouldnt care - we had already discussed it with her.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 9:49PM
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well if it is once in a life time missing school then it might be OK, depends on the ages. DD could only miss 5 days a semester at a high school, she had to save those days in case she gets sick. Some schools allow 7 days a semester. Of course students can appeal if they have doctor's note. Certainly cannot use vacation days as appeal for exempt absences. But your kids are probably younger.

If both mom and dad are OK with it then take them all. Do kids live with dad or with mom? If with dad it would be hard not to take them as they are full members of the household. It might be easier if they only visit dad but live with mom.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 10:16PM
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Yes they live with us and see her every other Friday and back to us on saturday. During the summer they see her a bit more for vacations and if she wants to take them for longer weekends we tell her no problem.
My three younger ones are 3rd,K, and preschool they are allowed 12 days being absent for the year. They usually dont ever miss and I really have no intentions of ever really going away during school again. This will be a one time thing. The older two is the issue missing school since they are higher up middle school and HS - not sure they should miss school to go to a Kid Halloween party at Disney but dont want them to be hurt by not going. I am really just considering not going at all and being done with it. I am really the only one who wants to go - maybe I should just leave DH with all of them and go alone - lol - just kidding

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 11:12PM
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"maybe I should just leave DH with all of them and go alone "

Great Idea!!

If you want to take them take them ... if you want to take only the little ones take the little ones

If the older ones are help to you with the little ones ... who cares if they miss a couple days of school take their school work with them they have to do it... or there won't be a "next time":)

    Bookmark   February 17, 2010 at 9:50AM
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going alone is not a bad idea LOL

    Bookmark   February 17, 2010 at 6:48PM
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"... my DH said I shouldnt feel guilty because our two never get to go anywhere with just us but my SS's go away without us. "

There's your answer in a nutshell ... straight from Dad's mouth.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2010 at 11:38PM
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Thanks for all of your advice - I have decided to leave plans as is and hope that my DH can take off of work and will go - and if not then I am going to take all the boys :-)

    Bookmark   February 19, 2010 at 2:58PM
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I was going to agree that you don't have to take the stepchildren with you on vacation, however, when I read that they live with you full time I changed my mind! I can see spending one-on-one time with the children individually, but I can't see taking only your children on vacation when you are the de facto mother to them (given the fact they only see their mother every other Friday and she returns them on Saturday - which is almost the same situation that I have). I would be okay with telling the older boys that they most likely wouldn't enjoy Disney and just taking the younger three, however, I would probably make an effort to do something special with the older two (not necessarily costly, just something special to them). I think segregating them by age given the nature of the vacation would be okay, but segregating them as "you're not mine" would be hurtful since you ARE their full time mom (even though you may not always feel like it!!!). I think my stepdaughters would be very hurt knowing I was excluding them just because I didn't give birth to them. Did that make any sense?

    Bookmark   February 19, 2010 at 11:07PM
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