kids and their friends parents

mom2emallFebruary 28, 2009

So the problem is a neighborhood kid and his family. My ds was in class with the boy last year. They talked in school but not much out of school. The parents pulled the kid out of school mid-year to home school him. He had ADHD and the teacher my ds and him had chose to send the kid to the principal everyday instead of have patience with him. The mom was leaving work all the time to come up to the school. Big mess. So she pulled him and his brother out of school to homeschool them.

Spring came and we were walking through our neighborhood and ran into the kid playing in his front yard. Me and the mom began talking and the kids began playing. All spring and summer we saw them often. Went camping together over the summer with our families. I really like his parents. The child is off the wall...but that is to be expected at times with unmedicated ADHD.

Anyways this school year my son avoids the childs calls. We have run into them at neighborhood functions and they play together then, but my son never wants to invite him over or go to his house. The mom calls me and we talk and she tries to arrange play dates with me.

I ask my son why he does not want to play with the boy anymore and he just says its boring. He says their house is boring and that when the boy comes here he is a better playmate for our 6 yr old.

I understand that my son does not want to play with the boy. He is pretty immature and hyper I guess. My problem now is his mom. What do I say? I like her and do not want to insult her or her son. But how do I tell her my son just does not want to play with hers? Or do I keep making excuses why they can't get together? I feel awful!

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That's a hard call! We've had this situation as well - I'm friends with the mom and the kids are friends, but drift apart and the moms are left 'holding the bag.' I think the best thing you can do is be honest - let her know that sadly DS has been really caught up in new friends this year and hasn't expressed as much interest in play dates. What you could do though is organize family nights - where you all get together and it's not just a date for the boys. Perhaps those can take the pressure off the play date time, and mom will get the point that not much more will happen.

Some people might say to be honest and say your kid is too spastic for mine in hopes they would work more with their son, but I just can't imagine saying that!

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 2:40AM
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Well I know she works so hard with her kids. I would never say anything about him being too spastic. But maybe I will call them and organize a family get together soon.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 10:45AM
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She probably already knows...

My younger son has an autism-spectrum disorder which causes social difficulties. It is so hard to find other children who are willing to play with him. (He's kind and funny, but not socially-appropriate.)

Mom2emall -- It would mean so much to her if you could organize an activity for both boys and the two of you. Something where the activity would provide the fun and structure, and where the pressure to socialize would be relieved. Bowling, go carts, an arcade -- something like that would be wonderful.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 10:57AM
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Kids are fickle and even if their kid had no difficulties at all, their still may be a change in playing preferences.

I don't feel you should force the kids together, though. If you still want to camping together, please still invite them.

My mom had a habit of being best friends with women, whose children were my worst enemies at school. Ha Ha. It's funny to think of now, but back then it sure was annoying to have to see these kids socially, when at school they be pushing me down and bullying me.

Not that you son feels that way, he just fell out of favor with playing with that kid. He may change his mind, he may not.
You can still be a supportive friend to his mom.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2009 at 5:40PM
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This is a toughie! My SS29 has a child, 8, who is the nephew of my DS6. I know, I know, the uncle is younger than the nephew. Anyway, for most of their lives they had been playmates. HOWEVER, Stepgrandson 8 has a host of emotional problems including oppositional defiance disorder which makes him very hard to deal with. DS6 still likes him, wants to see him,but after each time together complains how he "battles" with him, took something away, didn't take turns, pushed him or just plain hit him. DH and I have our own issues with this child as do many people.

The way we handle it, especially since it's close family, is to just stop inviting him. I'm saying this to say, the mom probably already knows that her son has social problems. I agree that group activities, bday parties, group playdates or outings will probably be the easiest.

BTW, my son and I are on the receiving end of this ourselves now. My son has a serious illness(what he has is not contagious) and is being home schooled. Many parents feel uncomfortable with their kids being around him because of his appearance and because it may force them to have a very grown up conversation about health and illness. Most of the little friends he still sees regularly do not know that he is sick! I didn't understand for a long time but now I do. It's disappointing but it's human nature.

Some good excuses are that your son is busy with activites, football, soccer, basketball, scouting. They are hard to challenge and although her feelings may be hurt, she will get the message.

Good luck

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 6:07PM
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