I was reading the post caphillsm wrote about her SS.... and I can relate. My son is 22. He moved back home after his lease ended (he was gone about 8-9 months. He was going to move back for 3-4 months to save up & move out. He quit his job to work for me but eventually quit working for me and has not found another job. My other son was going to move back to the West coast & I thought he was going to get a place nearby so he could gradually take over parenting DGS3. I figured my two son's could live together & share expenses... and my younger son has helped a great deal with DGS so it would be a help to my older son in the transition. Well, nothing is going as "planned" and I'm thinking that I am the only one that thought the plan would work.
My younger son stopped working for me 4 months ago. He has been living there about 6-7 months. He applied for unemployment but I had to nag him to do so. He has gained weight & plays video games all the time. He drinks and has admitted he is depressed. He told me he needs help & I want to help him. My older son moved back to the West coast but is now staying a few hours away and has only seen his son twice since New Years. Well, he has seen him once when DIL took the baby for a few days... which I am not happy about that but it's another issue. (I think it's not good/confusing for DGS, for DIL and DS to "play family" with DGS when he is visiting DIL. DS disagrees.) Anyway, my older son has no interest in moving hear me. He plans to find a place near his dad's family & says he's going to "fight" for his son. I doubt it... I mean, he isn't showing any interest in seeing the baby much since he has been back but the point is that he isn't getting a place near here. My younger son is certainly depressed & him being here is causing stress to the marriage.
My problems with SD are the same as they have been for two years. I have done as much as I can to disengage and the one issue that we currently disagree with is where SD should go to school. SD was failing at her school of residence. She was lying to the teachers, bullying a new girl & not doing her homework... getting up in class, etc. I was constantly having to drive her to the school to get homework (so we could check it) because she would say she "forgot" it at school. So, when she was going into the 6th grade, I suggested she transfer to the school in the district where I work. That way, if she "forgot" her work, it was closer for me to run her over to get it. Well, she abandoned the "I forgot it at school" line and I have abandoned asking for it. If she does it, good. If not, that's HER problem. Well, she still doesn't do her work, doesn't turn it in, fails tests, does a half @$$ed job on her projects, etc. so my "plan" for her to get a fresh start at the new school (where she wasn't known as a bully & liar) has not worked. ~Yes, I am noticing my "plans" never work~ So, the trimester ends on the 24th... at BOTH schools. I would like to put her back at the school of residence for the last trimester. She is going to fail & refuse to do her work no matter where she is and I am frustrated that DH expects me to get her to the bus on time... he hounds me if I'm running late, telling me "SD is gonna miss the bus" or if I have errands to do after work, I have to take her with me & she is so unpleasant, it is a chore so I usually go straight home and try to do errands during work hours while she is in school or on Friday when she goes to BM's. I resent having to work my schedule around her... in the morning & after work. She gets in my truck, stares out of the window & sometimes makes a huffy noise... like she's mad & breathing in loud short huffs. We get in the truck to come home and she falls asleep. She doesn't just put her head back & go to sleep, she sits forward & falls asleep but as her head leans forward or to the side, she jerks back up and immediately starts falling to the side again. It becomes annoying... and it has probably gotten to the point that everything she does annoys me. At home, she whispers in DH's ear or talks so low that he can't even hear her. He gets mad because he can't hear her and if he tells her to speak up, she says nevermind & goes away. She has recently begun to open her bedroom door, stick her hand out to signal her dad to "come here" so she can tell him something. He gets up & goes in there... doesn't see a problem with that. I haven't said anything to him about it, if he wants to get up & go listen to her, fine. He has told me that I cannot say anything to her... if I have a problem, that I need to tell him & he will deal with her. Of course, when I bring up a problem, he gets mad and tells me that he's sick of being in the middle of our war... apparently she complains a lot about me. He decided to be in the middle & now doesn't like it there. He recently backed off a little with that policy when I told him that if I have no say in what she does or if I am not even allowed to say something to her about anything, that was fine... he is the parent. But, don't ask me to do anything and don't bring it to me when there is a problem he doesn't know how to handle. I also remember a time when my daughter was going into puberty & needed me to bring her a change of pants at a certain time of the month and when the day comes that SD needs that service, he needs to plan for someone other than me to handle it... and other things like that. I told him he can't have it both ways.
So, now he has started a vendetta to get my son out of our house. I am not in disagreement that something needs to be done. My son has been there twice as long as we agreed. He won't work & plays video games all the time. I am frustrated too & talk to my son, who was telling me he needs help. I am trying to get him to a counselor & if he needs medication, he needs to see his doctor. He says he has no money for that because he hasn't had the motivation to finish his unemployment requirement to register for work. But, as far as DH is concerned, time has run out & he doesn't want to hear any excuses. He wants DS out... when I told him DS is depressed and I am worried he might get worse, that throwing him out right now might push him over the edge. I've had bouts of depression over the last 25 years... in fact, I had to go to counseling & get medication to deal with SD returning this year. I was having anxiety attacks. So, I am more sensitive to mental health issues. DH isn't buying it, he thinks it's just an excuse... he said if he's in a situation where he gets down, he shruggs it off and moves on, so he isn't sympathetic at all. He called the police to "evaluate" my son while I was not home. The police talked to my son & he told them he wasn't going to hurt himself so they told him & DH that they cannot remove him from the house, it is a civil situation and requires an eviction.
So, DH asked me to serve my son a 30 day eviction notice. I said no. The next day, he tells me that his brother (the guy that I hired & quit me, then his whole family blamed me for him not having a job) is coming over to serve my son. Well, we were having dinner... SD is sitting at the dinner table when DH's brother shows up. DH gives him the notice & explains it to him (in front of SD) and shows him to DS's room. My son opens the door & takes the paper & BIL leaves. I am livid. I can't see straight. I have not said a word to DH about it because I think if I do, I might not be able to control myself... and a couple of months ago, when we were in marriage counseling, that if he moves out (with SD) he isn't coming back. I know that SD is so eager to have me out of her life, that if he left & tried to come back (if we are able to work things out) that it would be a nightmare & impossible. So, I am hesitant to make a rash decision, but it has certainly changed how I feel about my DH.
I don't know if he would be so gung ho about throwing out my son if I hadn't disengaged and stopped doing things for his daughter. It feels retaliatory. But, he is not without reasons. My son figured out how to pop the lock to our room & got into our room while we were at work, a clear violation of my privacy. I talked to him about that & told him its unacceptable. He also figured out how to tap into our wi-fi, which DH does not want him using. It has really become a war zone.