problems with 15 yr old step daughter
My husband and I have been together for 7 years and I have been a part of his daughter's life since she was 8. My husbands daughter has lived with her mother (which they were never married) all of her life, until a year ago. My husband had visitation every other weekend, and every other week during the summer. During her most of her life, her mother tried to encourage his daughter against him.
Enter me... from day one, my stepdaughter and I got along great. Her father and I were moving fast with each other,( hey when you know, you know) and I new the importance of the relationship with her. I also made a point to try and forge an amicable relationship with my stepdaughter's mom (my thoughts were that if it were my child, I would want to be comfortable with whomever she was spending time with). Things were great until we decided to get married, and I became pregnant. I was donned with the title "Stepmonster", which btw, an 8 yr old doesnt conjure on her own. My stepdaughter's mother began to tell her that after we had our own baby, her dad and I wouldnt want anything to do with her. SO, as you can imagine, the relationship fizzled fast. The child started lying, playing my husbands parents against me, acting out, and even once hit me while I was pregnant. I bit my tongue, did my best every other weekend, and hope for the best. Meanwhile, I am still her supplier of toys, clothing, shoes, etc. - My husband from the very beginning put me in the mommy role with her as if we had always been a family. This also unfortunately included discipline.
Things progressively got worse through the years, and she became more and more of a liar, manipulator, and "unjoy" to be around. About 2 years ago, she started changing a little though. She was having problems with stepdad, and I thought to myself, well hell, if you treat him as you do me, I am not suprised. She started trying to charm us. She began acting more like she does starting December 1st- sweet, innocent, and in need. She started telling us that she wanted to live with us, that she couldnt take it at her moms anymore, etc. My heart got involved and left my head at the door. I bought it hook line and sinker. So my husband and I started the process for obtaining custody. Her mother agreed to it, with the condition that she didnt have to pay child support, and I filed all the paperwork and prepared all of the legal forms. I tool all the responsibility of the process, and did everything I could for her. Within 2 months though, I was slapped in the face by the real her. She resurfaced, but much worse. She began accusing me of all kinds of things, from shooting her looks, to hitting her, to rummaging in her room. She has been creating problems for me and my husband for a year now and even worse, has been horribly mean to our daughter who is 5. She yells at her, lies to her, and tells her all kinds of inappropriate things. I have raised immortal hell about this with my husband. (I gave him back the authority a few years ago and told him that I was tired of being the bad guy while he got to sit back and do nothing). He has done nothing to correct the issues other than tell her that it is not acceptable and that he will punish her if it persists. He never does though... but yet he will discipline our daughter.
I have been raising our daughter according to one set of rules and lifestyle, and the method is working beautifully for her. I also expect, since this was our home first, (my husband, myself, and my daughter) that my stepdaughter should be held to the same level if she is going to be a member of our household.
She is absolutely lazy, refuses to gather her laundry, help me with the laundry, will not do chores, or if she does, she half way does them, her grades are terrible because she refuses to turn things in at school, she has very few friends because she doesnt want to be faced with the effort of making and maintaining them. We have gotten her involved in sports again though to get her active... but thats all she will do.
Long story coming to short here, I am at my wits end with her. I am pregnant with our second child, and she is constantly trying to sabbatoge my marriage and my child. I can no longer take the abuse, and I know this may sound terrible, but I no longer care to try and make things better. I thought bringing her to live with us would be a benefit to her and put my own needs aside for the betterment of her. I cannot do this anymore. My efforts were to no avail because of her hatred towards me and her lack of want to.
I want her to go back to her mother, but I do not know how to get my husband to agree to this. I know that he wont. And I am not in any position to give him an ultimatum. I need her out of my home so that we may resume with our family. Unfortunately her presence here is a dark cloud hanging over us. - it is so bad that my five year old told me the other day that she hopes that we are having a girl because she wants a sister that is not mean to her and wont lie to her or hit her. Even the 5 year old wants her gone (and I try to be as positive as I can in front of her because I usually am a very positive and ambitious person and want her to be the same.)
Please help folks! I need some advice.