Ex and his drama

DFWmomFebruary 20, 2013

First let me say that I really do wish that bio dad would find a nice lady to settle down with but he has a history of picking women that are the opposite.

I don't understand a grown woman to be jealous of time that a father gives his children. Trust me it's not much time either. I don't understand why you wouldn't want a father to financially support his children.

Maybe this comes from insecurity? If my husband wanted to take the kids out for a day and I could be alone I would be in HEAVEN. Please, please, give me a day to myself.

About the money, bio dad makes more than me & my DH make put together! The CS I get every week is pocket change for bio dad. He's also supposed to provide medical but I've been paying for that for years because bio dad likes to job hop. The only time I ask for any money is if there is something EXTRA needed like sporting fees, school trips, etc. I think that this is fair but I've been told that SM has a problem with this.

Yeah I can cover the costs of these EXTRA things but why should I? Did I create these children myself?

I found this blog that really explains how I feel about child support. I thought some of you might like to read it.
She says this....Child support is not our punishment to you, it's our way of providing the best for OUR CHILDREN...which I think is so true.

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You are right that a woman should not have a problem with a father spending time with his kids. If that women does not have children of her own that may be why she doesn't get this.

However, I disagree with your statements regarding CS. CS is not supposed to pay for every possible expense the children have so the CP never has to contribute anything to the care of the children.

The NCP is not obligated to pay for extras on top of CS. The NCP pays his share with CS, and the CP contributes the rest. I get CS from my exH and never ask him for extra money to pay for our two DD's "extras".

In most states, CS is based on the income of both parents. In all states, the NCP's income is always taken into account when calculating how much CS should be. Some women complain about how much CS their husbands pay to their first families. Well, CS is based on his income, so if he's paying $1,000 a month, he must be making enough for that amount to be awarded. It's not like they just pull some number out of the sky, it's based on his income.

Same if he's "only" paying $200 a month, once again, it's based on his income, so he must have a crappy job. What your ex pays is based on his income, doesn't matter if it's pocket change for him or not. And I wonder if he thinks what he pays in CS is "pocket change".

And yes, you should cover the costs of your child's extras because of the reason you just stated. You did not create these children by yourself, and neither did your ex. He is contributing his share by paying CS, and you are supposed to contribute your share as well.

If biodad is supposed to provide medical coverage as per the divorce decree, then you need to take him back to court to have that enforced. But asking for extra money on top of CS is just stirring the pot, IMHO.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2013 at 4:07PM
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The SM does have a son of her own so her being jealous of the time he's spending with his bio children is beyond me.

Of course the CS he pays doesn't cover all expenses. The extras I'm asking about I always ask to split the cost with him equally. Trust me when I say that the vast majority of what my children have is because of the support that my DH & I provide them. Sometimes there are weeks & even months that I haven't rec'd CS because bio dad has decided he didn't like his job anymore and quit.

Having him add the children added to his health insurance would be ideal because it would not cost him another dime because he already has his wife and her son on the plan. The problem here is that again, he loves to job hop so there is a possibility that my kids would be stuck without medical again whenever he feels the need to quit his job again. Last year he worked for 3 different employers!

I've seen his w2's ( he wants me to help him with his taxes ) so I know how much he's made the past 2 years so yes, I feel like what he's paid for CS is pocket change. He says he doesn't have a problem with the CS amts or the extras that I ask to split with him 1 or 2 times a year. He says it's his wife that has a problem with it. This is same wife that said he wasn't allowed to buy his children any Christmas gifts because they get gifts from me.

The state of Texas states that I should be getting 30% of his net income ( 3 children ) but I am getting a little over 10%. That's fine. We can deal with it but when your family is making well over $115K a year why is there an issue with buying your kid something or splitting the cost with me? Again, this is bio dad making the money and he tells me he has no problem with helping out....it's his wife that complains about the money and the time spent on his kids.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2013 at 4:55PM
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Okay, more information. Now you state that you are asking your ex to split the costs of extras equally and that this only happens once or twice a year. That doesnâÂÂt seem to be asking for too much, then.

Regarding the CS - if there are months that your ex has not paid CS that needs to be addressed. Missed CS payments donâÂÂt just go away. If heâÂÂs missed CS payments, you need to pursue that in court.

And if your ex changes jobs a lot and you are worried that your kids will be dropped from his insurance, the best thing is to cover them yourself and have the amount figured into the CS amount. ThatâÂÂs what I did. That way I was not dependant on my ex for that.

The SM sounds terrible, not wanting biodad to buy his own children gifts, or spend time with them. But having said that, if biodad is going to let SM tell him how to spend his money and time, there isnâÂÂt much you can do about that. Yes, it would be great if he chipped in a little more for the once-in-a-while extras, but you can not force him to do that. Yes, it sucks that he choose a selfish, inconsiderate woman to be with, but you canâÂÂt control who he decides to be with.

And if biodad claims he can't contribute to extras because his mean ole wife won't like it, there's nothing you can do to force him to. Maybe that's the truth, or maybe he's just using that as an excuse. Regardless, if he keeps saying this, I'd just stop asking for help for the extras then. And learn to accept the things I can not change.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2013 at 6:16PM
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I know I should not ask, but I'm going to anyway (I'm curious is all)...new wife first has hissy over one on one time between Dad and kid, has hissy over extras beyond CS even though guy pays 1/3 of what should be legally obligated to, refuses to allow Dad to purchase his kids Christmas presents , BUT has no problem with her husband asking his exwife to help him do his tax returns?

In a case where the guy should be paying 30% of his income, but is only paying 10%, suppose to be providing healthcare but does not (OP provides it herself as he can't be trusted to honor the CO'd task on a consistent basis), I'd not worry over a sport fee extra now and then if I were his new wife...I'd be worrying instead exwife might haul exhubby's behind back to the courtroom.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2013 at 6:58PM
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New wife refuses to file a joint return because bio dad is behind on cs. She knows the check would come straight to me. New wife doesn't know that bio dad has asked for help with taxes either.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2013 at 7:21PM
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After posting yesterday this thought occured to me. OP, why are you worrying about your ex paying half the cost of extras, when heâÂÂs behind on CS? And how is it that heâÂÂs only paying a third of what the state states he should be paying?

Seems to me half the cost of extras is the "pocket change" that I wouldnâÂÂt worry about. IâÂÂd focus my energies on getting CS and the right amount instead.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2013 at 1:45PM
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I would follow up on the CS arrears. Why is he not paying what is due? Is it possible that one of you may want to be a couple again? Seems like he is telling and giving his ex-wife a lot of information!

    Bookmark   June 26, 2013 at 1:23PM
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Here is your problem: your ex is sneaky. She knows it and doesn't trust his boundaries. When you were married to him you didn't trust him,either.
I'm curious to know why it matters to you if she is upset? I mean it sounds like you heard this second hand, so you don't even have to deal with it. It seems as though perhaps you are protecting him in many ways...secretly discussing taxes, secretly discussing how awful she is, taking care of his financial obligations.....I'm curious why yu trust "his"e report of her?
Perhaps it feels so good to get anything from him now because there was so much you didn't get from him while married. Id recommend holding firmer boundaries with him and worry less about her upset, an understand more clearly how there is a competitive thing going on with you and her. He is a real gem....you divorced him for a reason. Perhaps its time to truly move on. Good luck!

    Bookmark   July 2, 2013 at 11:29AM
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