Need advice desperately

goodlfe4usFebruary 17, 2009

I am a new step mom - I do not have any bio kids of my own - I recently married in Nov - after living with my husband (then boyfriend) for several months last year and (after him being divorced for almost 1 1/2 years) his ex started emailing and texting him saying that she missed him - he started to wonder if he should try to work it out for the kids cause it has been really hard on them - so after a few weeks he decided to go back - I didnt doubt that he did really love me but she kept bringing the kids into the situation - so he felt he had to do it for them - I was gracious and let him go - I tried not to make it harder on either of us - I was devastated and miserable but I felt it was for the greater good - well long story short after 6 weeks it didnt work out - we texted and spoke a few times during that time and he would cry saying that he missed me and he was so unhappy - well he moved back in and we got married very shortly after - FYI his ex has remarried also - but she still texts and calls him all the time - she makes up excuses to pick fights with him - she gets him upset and it really affects our relationship -she says really derogatory things to him that make him feel bad about himself - I have asked him not to play into her tyraids - sometimes he listens and sometimes he doesnt - usually she does it when we have the kids - but we didnt this weekend and she started texting him on Valentines Day and it went on for over an hour - I got upset and of course it sparked an arguement - I DONT UNDERSTAND!!! I have told him that he needs to decide who he wants to be with - Honestly I dont think he has ever been in a "healthy" relationship - she always yells at him and the kids - whenever she calls or texts everyone gets upset including the kids - she spreads negativity - I am a drama free kind of person very postive and upbeat - I am all about the peace and love cant we all just get along - we have enough challenges to overcome with the kids then her drama - does it ever get better - any advice for a newcomer - How do you deal with the drama??????? this is my second marriage and I love my husband dearly but am questioning if it is possible to deal with all of this.....

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I think this is beyond a "drama" issue. It is not something that I would put up with. I would want it to stop and stop now. I don't think that I would have still been there after he went back to her the first time. It is your life....the two of you are married. Your husband needs to act like it.

I would have severe trust issues over this. I would not be interested in waiting for him to straighten up. This would damage the feelings that I had for him and I don't think I would stick around. Sorry.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 5:41PM
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I think, believer, that her DH went back to the first wife before he and OP were married. But in any case I agree with you that I would not take him back. It is OK to try to save your family but there is no need to hurt your current partner. Texting your X on a Valentine Day is a bad taste, especially if kids aren't even there. Sounds pretty bad.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 7:55PM
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You're right: he needs to decide which of you he wants to be with. Unfortunately it sounds like he is too entrenched in the "drama" with his ex to do so. Franky, I don't understand why you married him after the first episode but now in your shoes I would cut my losses and let him be someone else's problem.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 8:03PM
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this is tough, you need to think about YOU. You have no bio children and if it doesn't change, get out. It is the smartest thing to do. Let him know your feelings about it, perhaps give it some time to see real change, let him know you will be giving it time...not forever, but you need to see change, not talk of change but REAL change. If not, start really planning to get out NOW. If there's no change on his part it is apparent he's not fully committed to you

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 11:59PM
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Doesn't she say that she was living with him when ex started to contact him and then he went back and lived with ex again, changed his mind and came back to her. That would be a big red flag. If I misunderstood that part I'm sorry.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 12:29AM
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been there, done that, paid for everybody's tee shirt:

legal documents aside, these 2 are still married.

Being married to other people just gives them the opportunity to keep up their marriage without the stress of living together.

You can get over loving a disfunctional, co-dependent person;
you cannot get over wasting your life be dedicating it to someone who is dedicated to another person.

Kick him to the curb.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 4:37PM
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goodlife, I agree with sylvia, these two are still married in their minds and hearts. The ex wouldn't be communicating that way if he wasn't giving her the green light on some level.

I don't know about kicking him to the curb BUT, you need to face this and him. I had a female friend in a similar situation who was remarried but kept fooling around with her ex, the 3 of them went to counseling together! I thought it was weird at the time, but it sounds like an approach you might want to take.

Maybe he does love you but that ex has a hold on him as the song goes. What do you think you really want here?

    Bookmark   February 20, 2009 at 11:16PM
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