Wishing that a house would land on my boyfriend's ex-wife (long)

Carrying_AtlasFebruary 15, 2013

It would be a fair estimation that I'm nearing the end of my rope. My story may sound petty and small to some of you, but I assure you, it's quite serious.

My boyfriend and his teenage daughter have just absolutely been emotionally manipulated along with being physically battered, bruised and demoralized by his very mean, vindictive and malicious ex-wife and her second husband for the last 16 years; and I mean to the point that every time my boyfriend hears me tell him those 'three sweet little words' he is terrorized, traumatized and absolutely refuses to provide me any signs of reciprocation or venture any type of emotional risk other than what very little he is comfortable with outside uttering those 'three sweet little words' in return. And I do mean by "little" the most he can do is a half, barely visible, blown kiss that is non-committal and confusing because it took me a week to figure out what he was doing with his face!

I've pieced the story together from what I've heard from people who witnessed the absolute miscarriage of justice that happened to my boyfriend. What he didn't see, and what everyone who loved him screamed and pointed out was that she was just looking for a meal ticket. She used those 'three sweet little words' to twist, manipulate and otherwise beat the living hell out of my boyfriend. The stories I've heard have made me wake up with night sweats, I kid you not. Wholesale evil like this hasn't existed since...well...ever...and I thought I'd seen the dregs of the earth before I got into this mess...uh uh, my boyfriend's ex-wife brings on a whole new level of evil and a whole new level of idiot to the party.

So thanks to his ex-wife's efforts to totally destroy the man - mind, body and soul - for me to even get a tiny compliment is a miracle, to hear any type of emotionally related language is absolutely not possible at all, don't even get your hopes up because it's not going to happen. If any type of relationship-context emotional discussion comes up, it has always ended badly. He just cannot handle it and avoids it like the black cat running for its' life away from Pepe le Pew to the point there is only a vapor trail where the cat *used* to be.

His traumatic experience with that monster of an ex-wife has been wreaking havoc with our now three year relationship since the beginning and however much I try to meet him in the middle, work around it, overwrite it or just plain beg, he just ends up yelling "I'll say it whenever I'm GD good and ready!" which leaves my emotional needs negated and completely ignored except when it's at his convenience and comfort level to handle. That ex of his really went medieval on him to the point that he's still bleeding from it and is so traumatized that he almost can't heal at all from the absolute horror she visited on him.

But here's the clencher: you can see it's there. It's a "use the force Luke" moment because you can see plainly that there is still such a huge capacity for love in him. I've never seen a man more protective and loving with his daughter. She's the apple of his eye and while sometimes I have to referee a minor disagreement here and there, those two are so happy to finally be together that you couldn't ever dare put a wedge between them. His cat is another great example. After his divorce and he lost his daughter, he adopted a cat that was so beat down it was within an inch of its' life and he took it in and gives it so much love. After seeing that, I couldn't believe the same man emotionally shuts down when it comes to a relationship with a human being. To me it's just mind-bending. He's got love in his heart, it's just under 50 layers of what seems to be impenetrable scar tissue.

His daughter though is an absolute angel. She sees what everyone outside my boyfriend sees, and that's the fact that even 10 years after their extremely ugly and messy divorce, he is still held emotionally hostage by the manipulation, injustice and overall yuck that is his ex-wife. If I have to go on about his ex, I may throw up because she is truly evil, as in purposely hitting her child before their custody hearing, then blaming him for the damage done so that she could rake in the cash from the state welfare system - that kind of evil. The state stripped him of custody rights and sat by and watched as she used all of the child support money he sent for the express purpose of caring for his daughter, only to find out his ex-wife was buying cars, decking herself out in designer clothes, jewelry and gadgetry. The gifts my boyfriend sent his daughter were thrown away or stolen by the ex's new husband who has repeatedly beat that poor little child and his ex-wife did nothing to stop it, often encouraging it. His ex-wife hates her own daughter because that sweet little girl was a reminder of my boyfriend.

Finally, a miracle happened and that evil thing relented custody because she couldn't get any more money out of the state for the child, so now, I have (even though we're not married) a daughter. She and I are pals. We go have fun, we hang out, she's really a brilliant, exceptional young woman, but she has watched in anguish as her dad's and my relationship has tried to advance, only to be sabotaged by his misgivings and misdirected anger.

In my opinion, he's got every right to be ticked, hurt and otherwise stodgy about the "L" word, but I'm jumping hurdles caused by the ex-wife that I didn't even begin to cause and he refuses to see that I'm being forced to pay for the damage that his ex-wife caused on almost a daily basis.

His daughter looked at me last night and said, "It's not you, he does love you, but you have to understand, my mother is the monster, not you, you don't deserve this, but that's how badly she has hurt both of us. I've dreamt my entire life of having a stable family structure that has a woman in it like you that loves us both, but Dad just can't handle it because he is just that hurt."

The last three years have just been one episode after the next of caustic, hurtful things he has said that have smacked me head on, his abrasive attitude which is just a result of emotional battery by his ex, emotional negligence because he's so terrified to love anyone, and it has resulted in his outright refusal to meet my emotional needs.

I don't mean to complain, but I'm hopping hurdles right, left and center with no end in sight and most of the time I'm the one who gets blamed for the existence of the hurdle because all I'm asking for is a little return on the complete emotional investment I've put into the relationship to the point of picking up his slack when he's falling down on the job.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy but he's just so very damaged. His daughter has seen far too many injustices done to her father by that blankity-blank-blank mother of hers and I'm the first woman ever in her life that she has been able to trust, rely and depend on. Many a night I've just sat and cried for the both of them because what has happened to them both is just so very wrong.

So here I am, dangling at the end of my rope with no clue what to do. My "daughter" and I are as thick as thieves because I've never had children but I'm so laid back, in-tune with her world and accepting, she and I hit it off from day one. To leave her father would be the equivalent of forcing that sweet little girl to watch as just one more woman repeated the same cycle that piece of trash biological mother of hers has visited on them both. My boyfriend is truly a good man, kind and gentle when all things are equal and no one pushes his emotional boundaries, but when those boundaries are pushed, oh boy is he a handful.

I'm trying my best to help my boyfriend heal. I want him to heal, put the past behind him and enjoy having his two girls dote on him as he should have had it from day one. His daughter and I are working together like a team to help him, but at the end of the day though, outside of the love of that adorable little girl (who I'm so proud of her progress after coming out of that hell-hole she had to spend the first part of her life in), but her father is leaving a huge, hollow hole in the middle of my chest that I'm doing my best to avoid becoming bitter about. She and I laughed the other day when the two of us were running errands and she quipped, "Hey, have you met my father, the emotional paraplegic? Yeah, he got run over by a turbo-psycho c-mobile." (Don't blame me, I'm not responsible for the c-word, but I sure did howl with laughter after I heard her say it.)

My relationship with my boyfriend is like going for a sushi dinner...delicious and filling at first, then you wonder why you're hungry two hours later.

I have no clue what to do. I finally, for the first time in my life, have a family, but her father is only doing what he has to and placating everyone with his half-efforts so he can just get by.

What I wouldn't give for someone to drop a house on that evil ex-wife of his, at least then I would have the reassurance she isn't going to hop out of the bushes and try to emasculate him again or screw up the good things we've got going and the millimeter by millimeter progress I'm slowly making at great cost to my own heart (not to mention sanity). My boyfriend has got heart for miles but it's taking everything I've got not to grab that ex of his by the hair, drag her out behind the barn and deliver a 'come-to-Jesus' talk that would sell out Madison Square Garden.

Anyone got any advice for me? Band-aids? Neosporin? *Sigh* An ice pack? A couple of extra folks to help me carry my darling girl's father? There is tons of love in our house, there's got to be some way to find a happy ending, we deserve it. I don't mean to be selfish, but I sure would love to look into my boyfriend's eyes and hear him say without fear, trauma or regret those 'three little words' that I hope to goodness I've earned in some small amount - but most importantly - I'd love to see a good guy finish first and see with my own eyes as he allowed himself to enjoy being the king of his castle, the center of attention and gobble up all the love his little girl and I want to give him every day for the rest of his life.

That's a good thing, right?


Thanks in advance.

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Your BF never should have gotten into a relationship until he had worked out the issues he had with his ex-wife. It's not fair to you, him, or his daughter who is emotionally invested in you now.

I suggest looking into getting him some kind of counseling.

Meanwhile, while it is real easy to place all the blame on the ex-wife, just remember there are two sides to every story. I mean, many many people are emotionally and physically abused and yet they are able to start new relationships and are able to utter the words "I love you" with no problem. So it just seems a little too convenient to blame the ex-wife for all the hurtful things your BF says and does.

This post was edited by Amber3902 on Fri, Feb 15, 13 at 18:27

    Bookmark   February 15, 2013 at 6:21PM
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I think your BF needs counseling immediately or I would leave him. All of us could blame someone else for our issues, but you need to examine yourself and your life and make improvements instead. Seems like he's going to do the self pity thing for the rest of his life. And he can because you're allowing it. Sorry, but it's b.s. If she's so evil, he should be glad that he's moved on and is in a stable relationship and has custody of his daughter now. He needs to step up to the plate and be a loving partner and provider and stop making excuses.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2013 at 2:22PM
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