Dealing with boyfriend depressed 15 year old daughter

JennMurrayFebruary 25, 2013

Hi! The reason I am posting is because I am ready to end my two year relationship with my boyfriend due to his 16 year old daughter. I have been dealing with her drama since him and I started dating. After he had her for the first summer we were together her and her mom filed a police report because he had gotten upset with a nasty post she had posted about him. He had yelled at her and grabbed her arm. There was absolutely no hitting. She would not speak to him for about three months until they went to trial he was found not guilty. She has been going to counseling forever due to no coping skills. The times I have been around her is very depressing. She and I don't get along very well because I am one of those peppy girls that she hates. She uses her father for money and to get whatever she wants. Her mom has been diagnose as bi-polar and borderline. Which plays a lot into what her daughter does to her dad. After this last summer with her dad she told him she was not comfortable with coming over for visitation and that she doesn't want too. In sept this 15 year old then tried to commit suicide. Her dad was there for her every step of the way. Completely supported her and loved her. He is a great dad to her and supports her in all of her activities. A few weeks later it was her weekend with her dad. Well they got into a huge argument about a friend she was hanging with that also tried to commit suicide. He took her phone from her and she told him to give her the f-ing phone. At that point the police were called and her mom showed up. After that her and her mom filed a CPS case for mental and emotional abuse against her father. After he has spent 15k on this case again it was thrown out of court due to no findings of abuse. My problem is I am divorced from a man who created a lot of drama in my life from cheating and physical abuse. The reason I left was because I did not want my daughters to be exposed to that. Plus I was sick of the drama. Now I am exposing my daughters to a different type of drama. I am completely against suicide. All he can talk about is what is happening with his daughter and making excuses for her actions. To me she is a horrible, manipulative individual. I think she knows full well what she is doing but doesn't care who she hurts. I feel like we live and breath the problems his daughter has caused while he continues to make excuses for her. I'm tired of listening to it and I really don't want my daughters around her. She hasn't spoken to him in 5 months. I was recently told once they do come back into contact that it will be just the two of them. This makes me feel like I'm good enough for when she's not around and she can cause all this damage and do what she wants. I'm frustrated and this has taken over our life. I feel horrible but I really don't like her and I don't see a light with her. I want to know I'm not crazy for feeling this way.

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Carla St. Germain

Hi Jenn,
Wow! I almost could have written this about 4 years ago. Many details are the same: depressed 15/16 year old (that started out cutting herself), then a suicide attempt, and bipolar & borderline personality disorder ex-wife. Eek! You have my heartfelt sympathies so my first advice is DON'T FEEL ALONE! :) and you are not crazy for feeling the way you do.

It's hard for the best dad in the world to make up for the possible inherited emotional makeup and the influences of a psycho ex-wife. I dated my boyfriend for 3 years before we got married; after each being divorced once and knowing how hard it is to make blended families work we wanted to be careful. He had custody for 9 months out of the year, the mother had the summers. Most of our problems came to light after we were married. After the suicide attempt the SD stayed 9 days in a psyche hospital for troubled teens. My husband and I were blamed by some of his family and the ex-wife for his daughters problems. Her caseworker at this hospital was horrible as the ex-wife had convinced her we were the root cause of it all and I left in tears one day. Had he not stood up for me to his family I very well may have taken my son and left. But, he did stand up for me and he is a good, good man so we are still together and are now empty nesters.

My second piece of advice is counseling - for everyone that will go; you and your boyfriend and especially the SD. But be careful, we had some bad ones during our troubles so make sure you get a good one. Don't be afraid to try another if the first one doesn't work.

I guess it boils down to you weighing out what your relationship with him means to you, keeping the welfare of your daughters in mind of course as it seems like they are still young. Sounds like you jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak. Not fun. However, kids grow up and (hopefully) start their own lives, so are you better with him or without him?

My last piece of advice is pray. Pray and pray some more! Ask other people to pray for you and her as well. And find someone to talk to - a counselor, minister or the like, not just a friend. There is hope. Now at 21 my SD is really growing up and maturing. She has gotten off her anti-depressants and is beating her depression. She has moved away which means she's also far away from her mother who tends to cause problems. We have been taking small steps in the last year to building a new relationship and we are making good progress. Good luck to you!

    Bookmark   February 25, 2013 at 3:13PM
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It seems to me like we think we can offer a helping hand & elevate another person from his/her situation, but it always turns out that the other person not only remains in the same place but drags us down into his/her swamp.

You have children;
you know what to do.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2013 at 3:27PM
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In defense of your (potential) SD, she is a teenager living with a bipolar and borderline personality disorder mother. It's hard to live in that kind of environment and not display some undesireable traits yourself.

That being said, people with these sorts of issues can consume those who cross their path. It's hard to imagine successfully blending families and offering your own daughters a safe stable home environment while dealing with these challenges.

I would tread very carefully and be extremely cautious about any permanent commitment at this point in time. Keep an eye on your daughters. See how these issues are affecting them and that will give you an answer.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2013 at 5:32AM
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As someone else already said, you have daughters, they have to come first. I personally believe second marriages should come after the kids are grown. I know that's not always practical or reasonable, but I just think there's way too much drama and problems with ex's, teenagers, etc. Nobody ends up with the Brady bunch family. So focus on your own children, they deserve your full attention.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2013 at 1:17PM
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