I feel so Guilty

bobatyFebruary 3, 2009

I did not think I would ever come with my own problems but here I am. There is a long story but I'll try to trim it down. My DH and I have been married almost 9 years I have 1BS - 2BD and 2SD the oldest SD lives with us, the youngest with her mom. My DH has been underemployed for about 3 months now (no hours still has a job but no hours at all in this time) so he has not been paying his CS. My mother died in 07 and I just sold her house (for 1/2 what it was worth) had to sale because of finances at home my income will not support us for very long. This weekend my DH told his ex that I sold the house but it's my money and not his. Today at luch he called and said that ex needed to take SD to the doc. and because she let the insurance laps could he pay for half (this could run up to $150 or more.) he tells he he has no money but he would find it - I have always been really big about helping with the SD's but I will not pay HIS CS nor do I think it's my problem to take care of his kids - I do buy them what they need when I can and totally support the one who lives with us. I said I was not paying for it that she let the ball drop and I can't even take my own kids to the Doc at times and that's with Ins. I think the only reason ex asked is because she knows I have the money. Am I a really bad person?

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No, I don't think you are a bad person. This is not your child, and not your responsibility. It sounds like BM was irresponsible in letting the insurance lapse. (although if dad has been behind in child support, that could have been a contributing factor.)

I think your DH needs to figure this one out on his own. Is there a parent or friend he could borrow the money from?

I think if you had tons of extra money rolling around, it would be one thing but it sounds like your finances are tight enough as it is.

What sort of doctor appt. is this? Is it something that can be put off for a bit or is she sick?


    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 2:17PM
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She seems to have a cold or somthing ex also has to run to doc any time one of the kids says they don't feel well. I do have money - from the house and I am setting up accounts for all the kids to help with college or what ever they may need when the turn 18. This is not much money we had a little over 10,000 worth of unpaid bills CC and such when we did get the money. Ex is on state ins. my DH's job has never had ins. and he dosn't have a good job he brings home very little after CS anyway, heck he's still paying on the SD that lives with us, he thinks it's easier this way, the other ex does give most of that CS back but not all.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 2:35PM
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Wow..I think your husband needs to get another job. I don't think you should feel guilty. But if he is behind on CS and has been for a long time, I don't think you can blame Mom for letting insurance lapse. Sounds like she has been doing the heavy lifting for quite a while. DH needs to get caught up on CS and start paying regularly every time. This is his responsibility not yours.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 3:23PM
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I agree that the responsibility for SD is certainly not yours *primarily*, and that being so, the repsonsibility for her does fall *primarily* on her two bio-parents.

However, this is also one of those tough situations where on occasion you might have to go above and beyond simply because it's the right thing to do and soemthing has to be done quickly. The two factors making it that type of situation are the crappy economy/job market (making it less than easy for your husband to simply run and and instantly find another job) and the fact that it is a medical situation for SD (making it necessary for *somebody* to pay *something* immediately).

The crucial question in this situation is will SD be able to go to the doctor if she needs to go without your help at this time? If the answer is no, and she really does need to go, then I think you have to ***LEND*** your husband the money. Making it very, very clear, of course, that it is a LOAN because it happens to be a medical issue. And so you don't continually get roped into paying for all manner of "emergencies" that may come up that he and/or BM can't or won't pay for, make sure there is a way you can collect what he owes you so there's no assumption that you're just going to let it slide.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 4:48PM
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...on the reason SD has to go to the doctor. If it's just a routine physical, I think you need not feel guilty at all saying "Look, DH and BM, I postpone taking my OWN kids to get check-ups when finances are tight. If I do that with them, how can I justify to them or myself why I'm laying out money for SD to get a routine physical? I assure you I am treating SD absolutely no different than I would treat my own kids."

But if it is something that definitely requires a doctor visit, then she needs to go to the doctor.

I would think that most of us know the difference, but just to clarify my personal stance on it, I'd say she doesn't need to go immediately if it's a routine check-up or a run-of-the-mill cold (unless it gets worse or there are unusual symptoms). But just in case there ARE complications, it's not a bad idea to preemptively set a little money aside. This is something both of her bio-parents should be doing if at all possible.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 5:02PM
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No need for guilt...not your kid, not your problem.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 2:13PM
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Just so I can update I did pay. My DH is looking for a new job but it's hard out there right now. It just makes me mad that her mother would even ask - she just got Income tax and has loads of extra cash I guess the couch she bought was more important! grrr... Also tahnks for all the help! It's so hard doing this and it seems we are almost done but the youngest may be the hardest!

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 2:22PM
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First of all this is your husband's daughter and your son's sister. She is most definitely a child you should feel responsible for despite the fact that she lives with mom.

In my view, if you have the money, you should also be paying for child support while your husband is unemployed. That is what a marriage is all about.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 3:02PM
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Yes, but Colleen, OP stated that finances are tight.

" had to sale because of finances at home my income will not support us for very long."

She is obviously not in a position to pay her husband's child support. I understand he is "looking" for a job, and I do know how awful the job market is right now. But SURELY he can find SOMETHING, even if it's waiting tables!

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 3:21PM
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I would never pay my DH CS if I had a million dollars sorry not my kid. Maybe the OP was missleading I have 3 kids of my own that I have to support-mine-he has two we have none together. If a CP has problems supporting their child then that is their problem. I supported my kids by myself for years no child support or any help. I think that if you are going to have a child you should be prepared to support that child on your own.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 3:38PM
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She is in a position to pay, she just doesn't want to, because of her fear for the future, and the little nest egg she thinks she has that won't last for long.

And, why does mom have to do without child support to feed, clothe and doctor her child?

It is scary times right now...true!

But in a marriage the spouses come first to each other and that very much entails responsibility for all of the little ones. We are after all creatures with much emotion and it is our emotional intelligence that can make us superior.

Money will come and go!

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 3:44PM
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"And, why does mom have to do without child support to feed, clothe and doctor her child?"

I am not arguing that mom needs to get her child support. But that is DAD's issue with mom. He can surely get SOME sort of job, if only a temporary one until he finds something better paying.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 3:51PM
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If you had a million dollars and you wouldn't help people in need, then you are a bad person. Done and done! No need to ask anymore questions, and my god don't try to get yourself a get out of jail free card by claiming guilt.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 3:54PM
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I would not pay his child support not that I would not help. I raise his oldest daughter with no help from her mom. I would buy her anything she needs but I will not support his ex she in no way belongs to me.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 4:00PM
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If the girl needs to go then you should help pay... my own restrictions would be if it is something simple. A simple cold flu or whatever does a doctors visit need. Something serious or lingering cant wait.

But, just fyi... I would never pay my dh's CS. never never never... I mean besides the fact that we have the kids 90% of the time but simply lack the funds to fight her (if we try to take away cs she wants kids... with cs she dissappears except for the very minimal involvement)... so basically we are paying her off via cs. The kids would not go without by far. But, not one dime that I make will go into her pocket.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 4:03PM
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that should have said does not need a doctors visit.. oh well :-)

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 4:07PM
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Thanks I just don't think I should have to give her mother anything.collen777: she is not my sons sister she is my son and my 2 daughters step-sister, I really don't understand why anyone in their right mind would be willing to support the ex-it's not my thing I did not sleep with her and make a baby and I did pay and will do so all the time now that the ex knows if she wines my DH will feel bad and give in.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 4:12PM
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"In my view, if you have the money, you should also be paying for child support while your husband is unemployed. That is what a marriage is all about. "


A second wife paying CS for her the ex wife on behalf of her husband?

NO WAY! are you for real?
1. She never married her for that entitlement
2. She never made the kids with this woman to give her CS
3. They are HIS KIDS, HIS responsibility! and if he has no income coming in then no CS is given...money doesn't grow on trees and he's in a new family with three new kids to feed and new mortgage.
what mommy is helpless sitting there for a handout????
If i didn't have money coming my way in child support knowing my ex husband didn't have a job Colleen, I WOULD GET OFF MY LAZY SOB BEHIND AND GET A JOB AND SUPPORT THE ONE DAUGHTER I DO HAVE UNDER MY ROOF INSTEAD OF WHINING FOR A HANDMEOUT.
If i had a million dollars and didn't want to help a person who i knew was a sucking letch that doesn't make me a bad person! It means i'm not blind about people who are SINCERE, SINCERE IN NEEDING THE HELP! Not asking for it AFTER THEY FIND OUT SHE SOLD HER MOTHER'S HOUSE!.
You know what this ex sound like to me...IS A GOLDIGGER USING HER DAUGHTER ILLNESS to get to ex hubby to make him shake the cash out of his new wife.
wow, she did a good job eh? why did she wait for money from him or her eh? if my kid was so sick i'ld ask help from a FAMILY MEMBER FIRST BEFORE ASKING MY EX'S NEW WIFE and i would taken my kid to the doctor first !
FACt : she asked for the money after she found out that she sold her mom's house. digusting!
Like i said, i would have asked for cash from a cousin, an uncle first and why did she let her insurance lasp.....
Yes she's a mother entitled to child support. Not arguing that. BUT money coming fromthe new wife? not her responsibility. Its the fahter's and he does not have a job. no cash...so when he does get cahs he'll give her what he can.
Bobaty, exwife USED GUILT with you through her husband so you can fork up some cash and she used the doc appointment.
Your a good woman, you gave the cash regardless but next time she using illness dont fall for it. and if she can't support that child that she has left then maybe that child should join your family and mom can pay child support now.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 4:13PM
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I have paid more of my husband's child support than I care to admit! HOWEVER, since he has chosen not to work for the past two years, no way no how. I cannot make our home bills let alone pay his child support. Right now it is all I can do to keep us fed and keep the lights on with me working two jobs. I cannot support another household as well. Frankly, I WILL not.

If she gets a wild hair and sends the prosecutor after him, so be it, but it's not my problem. I don't talk about it and I don't read the letters that she and her husband have sent. It's NOT my problem.

I would never let the kids go without something that they needed, i.e. food, shelter, clothes, doctor visits--necessities, but I do not deal with those other people anymore. I don't care what they do.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 4:13PM
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I wholeheartedly agreee with organic_maria on this one!

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 4:30PM
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If I read this correctly, dad has two kids. One lives with BM, the other lives with DH. Why would there be ANY support? Why should SM pay for anything? She has her own kids to support. It's not her responsibility!

It's nice that SM helps out but it does NOT make her a bad person because she won't pay her husband's responsibility to his other child. Just my opinion, but it makes BM a bad person for not making enough money or not managing it well enough to make sure her child is adequately cared for and/or it makes her husband a bad person for not taking ANY job to pay whatever he can to make sure his kids are taken care of BEFORE it would make a SM a bad person for saying "it's not my problem!"

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 4:42PM
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I think the crucial difference here centers on the exception to the rule. That is, the rule that a step-parent should have no obligation to pay child support is fair enough and logical enough in general. I'm a step-child, and even I would have never dreamed of expecting my SM to pay the CS that was my dad's responsibility (if for no other reason than knowing that would have been very likely to lead to MAJOR resentment of me by SM). But occasionally there might be an *exception* to this rule when there is a emergency-like situation, and in that case helping out is just the right thing to do.

It's no different than what the average decent person would do if it was their best friend who was on hard times and had a kid who really needed to go to the doctor. You'd never agree to take on regular payment of your friend's bills, and you sure as heck would start resenting helping if s/he started asking for help over and over again. But once or twice in a period of many years of friendship most of us would be happy to help (and glad to know it could be reciprocated by our friend one day if WE needed help). At any point, you have full right to say "I can't help you anymore" and you also have a right to act as obnoxiously "loan sharky" as you want if they do not pay you back within a reasonable amount of time. You certainly have every right to not let yourself be unduly taken advantage of.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 5:03PM
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Look I like BM of my youngest SD, I just did not think that this was my responsibility. SD was really sick so I did pay. My DH has two kids two moms, I have three kids no dad, he has been in jail or out of our lives for almost 12 years now my youngest is 13. Step-parenting is hard! I want to make sure that every body is taken care of but not all on me.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 5:25PM
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I would have, and have no problem in paying for child support for my husband's children. He loves them, and I love him, and it is very important to him. Should he ever end up in hard times of course I would help him. And, it wouldn't be a loan or any such thing.

I don't understand you people at all.

And, you know what else? If his ex was in really tough times I would kick money in on that too!

If all I had was a buck, he would have half of it and I wouldn't even think to question him of where it was going.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 5:25PM
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the very first and most important person you take care of is yourself. Without you, none of it means anything does it. But then, that is a different question isn't it?

IF your husband loves you, he will tend to you--first! If your husband loves you, he wouldn't even dream of using you, he would want to protect you as you would want to protect him.

I am still wondering why your husband thought it was appropriate to share with his EX the fact of you selling your mom's house.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 5:40PM
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Colleen, I'm very glad that you have never felt taken advantage of. Most of us here have--repeatedly--and the gloves are off.

Fight a few custody battles and tell us how you feel.

Listen to your stepkids parrot the ex-husband's or wife's hostility toward you or your spouse and get back to us.

Most of us have given enormous portions of ourselves and our $$ to our stepkids already even though we did not give life to them. We all have a limit. For the most part, ours just happens to be in paying child support for one's spouse.

I would give a kidney to either one of my stepkids, but I will NOT rescue their father anymore when he makes foolish financial decisions that hurt me and his children. I have done so in the past, but I will no longer participate. I did not have children with her nor divorce her. The court did not order me to pay child support--they ordered HIM.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 5:45PM
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I have been taken advantage of many times. I have been involved in custody battles and I have listened to, and felt the results of stepchildren's unwarranted contempt and disgust toward me. I have felt the sting of shunning and indirect aggression.

Money, is to me, a weapon that people sometimes chose to use. For my husband and myself, we have chosen to not use money as a weapon. And, sometimes, boy do I want to. Money is the last use of a weapon. It would have to be the end of the world before I would force someone to act the way I want them to, based on money.

My husband has also made many foolish financial mistakes. And, just by the way vivian, giving a kidney is much more important than giving money. I am not so sure I would give a kidney.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 6:02PM
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It is not a weapon against any one person but rather a matter of principal...at least for me. I work my butt off to provide for my family. BM does not work... she lives off of her mother and her cs and does not have the kids about 90% of the time. I just will not put one dime of my hard earned money into her pocket... especially when we cant even get her to buy the kids some pants when we were low on money and the boys both managed to rip giant holes in all of their pants. (I will never know how that managed to happen.) I did not sign the divorce papers that put DH (and all of us) in this position... he should have read closer or had a lawyer or about a million other things. I will and always have supported my DH through all of this mess... and have always supported my kids (step included). But, when it comes down to it... he will have to be the one that comes up with the cs... I just will not do it. None of my or my kids money is going in her pocket... no dice.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 8:29PM
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Now, it's one thing to take a sick child to the doctor and pay for it if the parents can't. It's a whole other issue to pay someone else's child support for ANY reason. If a child, ANY CHILD, were sick & needed medical care or hungry & needed food, I would definitely help IF I COULD, but it does NOT make someone a bad person if they choose not to, especially if the parents are capable but aren't living up to their responsibility. That means, taking a job... ANY JOB... until something better comes along instead of waiting for a 'good' job. That means not buying themselves luxuries like cigarettes, alcohol, cell phones, fast food, new cars, trips to a casino or bar or vacations.. until they can afford to provide for their kids first. If dad has been underemployed, then the burden of supporting his household is already on OP.

I just think it's wrong of anyone to chastise OP for not paying his support or in any way making her feel bad about it. It's not her responsibility, it's the parents. OP is generous enough to help with the medical bill, BM should be grateful... kissing feet.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 11:06PM
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What Ima said.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2009 at 12:15AM
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I did not read through all of the posts....does the ex wife pay child support for the daughter that lives with you and DH?

Is DH receiving unemployment?

If Decree states the Ex wife is to carry the insurance then I would think it would be her out of pocket expense since she let it lapse. She would also be contempt of court.

Is DH expecting to be called back to the job that he was laid off from? Is there a "sub fund" for him to draw payment from? If the answer to those questions is no then he needs to get a job and pay the support. It's going to be taken out of his check no matter how long he waits to get a job. I would not pay it.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2009 at 12:29AM
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Cs is up to the bioparent. They're responsibility. And any parent who depends on the ex new wife or husband for hand me outs has real issue here.
CS should come from the father. Now if his job is not giving him hours, the bobaty why hasn't your husband got at least a parttime job else where?
And i do agree with one thing colleens stated, and i completely forgot to mention it too because my husband said it as well. WHy is your husband telling financial details about the selling of your mothers house? He had no business telling her that. If my husband told his ex i did that and she expected money from him and yes she is like this too. oh you dont have the money, why cant you borrow money from maria. She's said that a number of times and low and behold so has sd.
My response: I AM NO ONES FREAKIN' BANK! If your dad doesnt have the money then the money is not there. What did your mom do with the 500 bucks he gave her this time?? '
Money to me is a touchy subject because i work my butt off and so does my hubby , money doesn't grow on trees.
And as i was saying before if my hubby told ex that i sold my place i would be livid. That is not her business.
My husband ex at the beginnning would call me his rich girlfriend.
Yup, i have money, i save , i'm a non smoker so i dont trash 300$ in the garbage per month for a cancer habit. I dont live beyond my means. and have reserves in case of emergencies.
I bailed my husband out thousands of dollars because he put himself in debt. WHich i got back because he paid me back slowly all these years. That was a one deal thing andi will not do it again.
I love my husband , dont get me wrong but i will not support his ex family especially after all the Cr*p the exwife put us through. I wont be used in that manner
And yes i agree with you vivian. after courts, and accusations and games, you dont have any love for the other woman causing hell in your life so its her tough if she can't make ends meet especially with the amount my dh dishes for her.
SHE can make the decision to change her life. 1. quite smoking and using pot 2. go find a new job to support your family . 3. get respect from your new husband and tell him to stop treating your kids so poorly.
And yes, believer i would also like to know if CS is being paid for the daughter living with you guys.
That being said, if ex and my hubby were best of friends, and we were all working together for the kids, and she was short because of too many bills and needed a loan, than i would not mind giving a friend a loan of cash especially if one of her kids were sick or had a cavity to fill and needed the cash and she would pay me back. I wont let the kid suffer. BUt we are not friends. SHe ditched me from the beginning and she trashed both my husband and i from the beginning and worst of all she directs it at the kids and they know its not us!...so god knows what they will think of their mom when they are older.
I wont be her doormatt. No way. She can dust herself off and get a job.
As for this case, i think bobaty you did the right thing for your sick sd but dont let your finances feed the ex. You are already tight as it is with two jobs and 4 kids inthe house. You must so tired at times.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2009 at 8:36AM
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No the EX of the SD living with me does not pat CS, but we are going back to court soon.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2009 at 10:05AM
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I don't think OP should feel guilty at all. However, if my husband was behind on CS I'd probably have really bad feelings toward him, not BM.

There are a couple things I don't get, CS for the most part doesn't support the BM. It's for the children. If DH hasn't been paying, then BM has been doing all of the supporting. I think it's ridiculous to say that paying CS supports the Ex, it really supports the children. But I totally get and understand why a stepparent would not pay and I don't think they should have to. I just don't agree that if they choose to pay it, they are supporting the Ex. No, they are supporting their spouse and their spouse's debts and responsibilities.

I also don't think that when two people have a children together that each parent should think to themselves that they will have to carry the full load forever. It's one thing if one parent dies and as a parent you do have to be prepared, but when both parents are alive and kicking there's no reason why both can't contribute and why both shouldn't be expected too. I did not have my child with Ex just to be a single parent and no support. I fully expect him to contribute and help.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2009 at 2:23PM
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If you and your kids have insurance, can't you put the stepkids on your insurance? Most stepkids are insurable equal to bio-kids.

As for the back CS, I would not pay. DH needs to go to court and have his amount reduced or adjusted to his actual income. He should have done it as soon as he began to fall behind to reduce arrearages. It's his job to pay his bills, and CS is one of the most important bills on the list. Funny how the mortgage company doesn't reduce your payment because your are underemployed, nor does the IRS if you have an arrearage with them, but people think CS can wait if you are a little tight. Your husband should be getting another job.

I would not pay the CS or extra bills. I might pay for an extra here and there, like buy the child an outfit or pay for a summer camp or purchase a bike--but only on a voluntary basis, like a gift. My stepkids live with us fulltime, so I do buy them stuff as we go along. But I'd never pay CS.

$160,000 is not so much. It can go fast, and your first responsibility is towards your own bills, children, retirement, nest egg, etc...

Your DH needs another job, even if it's a menial one to get caught up. Or he needs to borrow from his family or sell something he owns. The ex is entitlted to the money, his child needs it, he owes it; the honorable thing for him to do is to pay it. He probably could figure it out if he tried really hard if he really wanted to.

But I don't think you should feel guilty for not paying. Why do you feel guilty? Is it because your DH is making you feel bad, or the kids, or just yourself?

    Bookmark   February 7, 2009 at 12:29PM
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