Husband wont stand up to his son

heidimatternFebruary 3, 2010

I have been staying in a hotel for a few days to cool off because sunday when we took my husbands two sons home the oldest who is 15 but acts like hes 6 was making these god awful faces in the backseat and I said something about it. My husband immedately jumped to the boys defense..."hes not doing anything wrong whats he hurting kind of thing" Weather he was or not doing anything wrong I feel that my husband should have waited to say anything to me in front of him. This boy and I do not get along. He is disrespectful and hateful with me and so I tend to be the same way with him. My husband says he will talk to him but as far as I know he has not yet..or says he cant remember what was said "yeah right!" This is been happening more and more frequent and the kid doesnt really talk to me disrespectful in front of my husband but hubby says hes never around when he does it so he doesnt say anything...I feel my husband should stand up for me and I do not know where my marriage will go if he doesnt. This kid knows daddy will come to his defense...when is it my turn! My husband and I have only been married a month today but have been together for just about 2 years, but the worse has just started. Hubby doesnt understand what message he is sending but I do I have been through this before. I love my husband and I want to come home, but I dont think he truely knows how much this is hurting me even though I tell him all the time he doesnt listen and its driving a wedge between us so bad...If he would just demand that this kid show me respect instead of sugar coating everything he does with him I would be in a different frame of mind as well and not resent the kid myself...Hubby makes excuses for him constantly "well his Mom lets him talk to her that way so when he comes to our house he doesnt know any better" this is what he tells me...BS the kid knows he just manipulates his Dad and I am paying for it through my tears..I want my husband to show me that he loves me and I am not feeling it...

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heidimattern

Oops...SS is actually 14 not 15 was thinking and writing too fast

    Bookmark   February 3, 2010 at 1:31PM
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sylviatexas1

"the worse has just started"
amen to that.

When you vacated the field of battle & moved to a hotel, you gave stepson & his enabler (the man you like to think of as your life partner) complete control of the territory.

Ordinarily, I'd say go back home & tell hubs you live there & he & his son can behave like civilized, decent human beings or *they* can go to a hotel, but in this instance, I don't think it'll work, because husband is using this boy as a tool to mistreat women:
"well his Mom lets him talk to her that way so when he comes to our house he doesnt know any better"

& where was hubs when son was developing this habit?

He was right there, accepting his son's obnoxious behavior & thereby teaching him that he can talk to women like that.

*& he can say, undoubetely has said already, that it isn't his fault, you shouldn't be mad at him, he didn't do anything*.

google passive aggession, & I bet you'll see an attorney tomorrow morning.

He's not going to correct son's behavior toward you any more than he corrected son's behavior toward the boy's mother.

& it's a short step from verbal abuse to physical abuse.

I don't think you can win, & I think you need to forget about wanting this guy to "show" his "love";
it ain't there, & the longer you remain in this environment, the worse it will become.

I'm sorry.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2010 at 4:33PM
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heidimattern

Silvia,

I am not defending my husband in anyway for what he doesnt do now, but I do have to say in his defense that it really isnt his fault that the kid turned out to speak to his Mother that way because my DH and BM divorced when the children were 2 1/2 and 6 months old...they are only here every other weekend,,,but whats happening now is the problem,...

    Bookmark   February 3, 2010 at 7:08PM
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finedreams

I don't understand what the issue is, could you clarify, he was making faces..what type of faces, faces at you like eye rolling or more substantial threatening faces?

it seems somewhat strange that you had a fight(everyone has fights once in a while) and you stay in a hotel only a month after marriage. seems somewhat strange. 3 days in a hotel?

you are talking about respect, what exactly do you mean? like he is being rude, saying bad things, or just makes faces. you never explained what exactly does he do?

    Bookmark   February 3, 2010 at 7:16PM
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finedreams

I just noticed that he divorced his wife when his baby was 6 months, wow, how is that possible? so did he file when she was pregnant or just delivered?

    Bookmark   February 3, 2010 at 7:18PM
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caphillsm

The fact that you would move to a hotel and actually stay there for more than one hour is a sign that things are likely not going to work. This was a small thing. What about when a big thing happens?

What is your husband doing now? Is he calling you and asking you to come home? If he isn't, find out if you can get an annulment.

If you go back, it should be under the condition that you go to counseling together, and that maybe he and his son do the same.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2010 at 10:31AM
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evilstepmommy07

There must be some deeper issues for you to run to a hotel that quickly. Believe me he will continue to make faces at you for a long time. You are a step mom, you are coming in to his territory and he will need some time to adjust. He probably feels threatened. And on top of all this he is a teenage boy, that alone comes with it's own issues. It has only been one month so that means this is probably his second weekend visit since you married?? Maybe you should give him some time to adjust before you do anything drastic. And you will need time to adjust to being a step mom as well. Don't expect things to be perfect right off the bat. You will have your feelings hurt many times but just try to think about how your steps might be feeling too. This doesn't mean I think it is acceptable for them to treat you badly, that should not be tolerated. But, you are all going through a transition.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2010 at 12:58PM
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sylviatexas1

"it really isnt his fault that the kid turned out to speak to his Mother that way because my DH and BM divorced when the children were 2 1/2 and 6 months old"

Do you hear yourself?

"It's not his fault".

Yes it is;
What goes on in the mom's house might be out of his control, but this boy is in *his* home, being obnoxious to *his* wife.

so husband is defending boy's behavior, & you are defending husband.

so why aren't you happy?

    Bookmark   February 5, 2010 at 5:11PM
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