Wanting parents back together...

pseudo_momFebruary 3, 2009

As a child of divorce I remember thinking wouldn't it be great if my parents got back together.

Yes "secretly" all kids wants their parents together.

But as a child of divorce all grown up whose parents did reunite when my dad got ill.

I can tell you that secretly wanting them back together is a joke ... looking back as most kids of divorce do

Ok the good ole days...

Mom and dad fighting all the time

Mom and dad not speaking to each other at all

Mom complaining to us kids about dad

Dad complaining to us kids about mom

One parent sleeping on the couch or not coming home at all

Walking on eggshells not wanting to piss either parent off because all hell would break loose.

Yes sure my family was dysfunctional ... they made if functional by divorcing.

So what changes after most divorces oh yeah the parents addresses. Some people fight more after they have split than when there were together.

When I split with my ex ... that ended our disagreements.

We became happy people again I had no reason to argue with him and he no reason with me .... we agreed to raise the kids the way we always had nothing changed.

I am sure my kids wanted us back together and stated it several times but I also reminded them that we were not happy together we were better off apart so we could be better parents.

See the reason for divorce is you cannot get along for whatever reason. So after the divorce you should be able to get along ... if you are going to continue in the same manner you did before the divorce why did you bother to get divorced/split up in the first place...

If one left for another ... and you still argue about the other then why get divorced if you are going to continue the same behavior.

If one left because the other didn't hold up their end of the bargain and continue to argue about the same issue why did you divorce its not your problem anymore its theirs or someone elses.

If you left because of different parenting styles now you can raise your kids as you see fit because the other parent is not going to change so why bother if you are still going to complain about it then why divorce them in the first place...

If you parted ways because one parent refused to support their child after the divorce what did you expect them to do suddenly become a supportive parent.


I can't wait for my BC and SC to have kids so I can sit in their homes and when I hear one of them say "clean your room" "go take a bath" "did you brush your teeth" I can say .... why your parent never did maybe even show pictures!!!!

And I'll be sure show up after 8PM and bring cake and soda and give it to their kids.... here have all these sweets and caffiene then head off to bed.

I mention this again because my SS11 was flipping out yesterday literally all over the floor crying and whining called his mother to "tell on me" because he couldn't have soda after dinner. So after all was said and done I dumped out the soda and told him I will never buy soda again. :)

I believe in redirection ... no soda to drink can't flip out because he can't have any. :)

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"See the reason for divorce is you cannot get along for whatever reason. So after the divorce you should be able to get along ... if you are going to continue in the same manner you did before the divorce why did you bother to get divorced/split up in the first place..."

I completely agree with this and really haven't ever thought of it before.

This is my stance on lying. My X still lies to me. About stupid stuff, too. Why? What can I do if he tells me the truth? Deal with it is really all I can do.

Why continue to treat me as though I am unintelligent when I am the mother of his son? Why would anyone want to believe their X is stupid and gullible when that could be passed onto the kid? Would it not be better to pride himself on chosing a smart woman to be the mother of his child? Wouldn't that be a better thing to brag about? Why would he tell someone I'm stupid when that other person is going to think "well I guess since the mom is so stupid the kid might turn out that way, too"?

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 3:41PM
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"When I split with my ex ... that ended our disagreements.

We became happy people again I had no reason to argue with him and he no reason with me .... we agreed to raise the kids the way we always had nothing changed."

That is how it should be, what a wonderful and simple thought!!

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 5:45PM
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Yes "secretly" all kids wants their parents together.

Not this kid. After the initial shock/crying, I was pretty OK with my dad moving out. He was STRICT, (and a Narcissist BTW), and being the typical "what's in it for me" 10 year old, I did see the upside :) My mom was no wimp, but going through adolescence without my dad in the house was MUCH easier on me.

I will say that what likely helped me through the divorce was that my parents did not have a visitation agreement. I could see my dad whenever I wanted to, and I did. They both did some stupid things that involved me, (mom drilling me about who/what/when/where/why when I got back, dad saying and doing some things that I should not have been party to), but overall things worked out, and IMO better than most children of divorce.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 8:55PM
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I don't ever remember thinking I wanted my parents back together either. Maybe at first when I was very young, but not after 5 or so. They couldn't even be in the same room or on a phone call together....no thanks!

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 10:21PM
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I was 12 when I told my dad to 'just leave her' and 13 when he finally did. I knew she was foolin' around and never home. She was out drinking and carousing while he worked as hard as he could to put food on the table for us kids. When we realized she had a boyfriend and dad was at work all the time and mom was not working but giving money to her boyfriend, well it's safe to say... I never wanted them to get back together. My sister, on the other hand, hoped my mom would change and has mentioned it a few times 'wouldn't it be nice if they got back together?' Not me. But, I think each kid has their own perspective.. so not ALL kids feel that way, even when they are in the same house with the same set of parents, etc.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 11:01PM
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I may have thought it once or twice, after my parents divorce because they got along so much better and maybe I thought why couldn't they get along when they were married. But as I got older I knew it was best they divorced.

Even though my parents reunited after my father became ill most of the time they got along but there was still the occasional argument and I felt like I was 8 years old again hiding in my room to avoid them.

Would it be fair to say the kids who want their parents back together are the kids who have one parent still clinging to hope of a reconciliation? and have one parent that "blames" the other parent for the divorce in the first place?

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 8:32AM
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my parents didn't get along some time during their marriage, we were teenagers. My brother asked mom to leave dad. Mom was very angry at him "How could you ask me to divorce your dad???". My parents get along well now though, they overcame their issues. I am actually glad my mom didn't listen to my brother LOL

As about relationship wiht X. I get along wiht X great. ...Because we aren't together. If we would stay together, we would not get along. I get tired of X every time i have to see him more than a half an hour. lol

I do not know if DD wanted us to get back together. I suspect maybe she did because I and X remained pretty much friends. And maybe she thought we could be together if we can be friends. I do not know.

i and X didn't really argue when we were together. DD never saw us arguing but there were things I couldn't tolerate. DD knew I initiated the divorce (I think X told her because i never did). But i don't think she ever blamed me because she knows me and her dad all too well.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 10:19AM
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I remember wishing my parents would get a divorce while I was in high school. My parents had a few rough years where they basically couldn't stand eachother. Mostly while my mom had some medical problems and my dad was working his butt off to support us. They filed bankruptcy and money was always an issue. But they stayed together and pushed through the hard times.

Now, they have a wonderful relationship that, most of which, I want for my life. They are openly affectionate (not too much) and show the deep love and devotion they have for eachother. My dad appreciates my mom more than he ever has. They spend more time together than ever before. And, the CHOOSE to do it. It's not like they are stuck in the house together. They actually go to plays and dinners together. And they really enjoy eachother's company.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 12:36PM
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There is a picture in my living room in a beautiful frame of me and my parents when I went away to college. The picture is from 1999, and my parents' divorce was finalized in 1986 after nearly 15 years of marriage. The picture was taken by my SM (my dad's GF at the time). There is something enormously comforting about seeing that picture and them standing on either side of me. They are the reason that I was standing there.

I used to want my parents back together as a child, and one time when I was 12 or so my dad dropped my brother and I off at my mom's after a weekend visit, got snowed in, and stayed over at "our house".

My brother and I were almost jumping out of our skin with excitement. My dad had a wonderful GF at the time who I always wished ended up being my SM, but unfortunately for me did not. But I wasn't thinking of her at the time. I was thinking, my parents did love each other once, they are still my family, and my brother and I were not a mistake.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 1:57PM
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good post nocargirl. About the picture...I so know how you feel.

We took a picture of DD and us together this past summer 2008 (we got divorced in 1991). It is a very happy picture. All three of us laugh about somehting and DD stands in the middle and we hug her from both sides. Not only she looks happy but I and X look very happy too (happy to share DD). We stand on the sea shore actually standing up to our knees in the water, but it is very windy and cold but we try to push each other in the water. Yes picture was taken by SM as well. What is special about this picture that normally DD looks nothing like me and very little like her father but on that picture it was shocking how she looks like two of us combined. Everyone notices.

Your post actually brought bitter sweet tears to my eyes because I felt for my daughter- she definitelly does not consider us getting back together but she was beyond happy being wiht mom and dad TOGETHER. it does not happen too often, we all live too far from each other.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 11:04PM
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I (as a SM) would LOVE to take a nice picture of my SD's, for example when they get married or graduate or something, with both their parents on either side. What a wonderful thing!!!

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 11:19PM
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I wanted my parents to divorce. They did split up for about 6 months after my younger brother and I witnessed my dad hit my mom in the face with his fist. He went and lived at his sister and brother's house. My to brothers would go for visits but I never would go. My mom didn't tell me that he was moving back in. He just came back over one evening and I was outside playing. I could see through the opened door that she was sitting on the arm of his chair. He had bought her a diamond ring and they were acting all lovey dovey......something they NEVER did. He just stayed after that. I was pissed at both of them. Things soon were back to the screaming and cursing and crying that I had always known. I think I was mad for a very long time that my mom didn't tough it out and at least try. I don't think she wanted to move from our house.

I would bet that my kids would say that they never wanted their dad and I to get back together. They have had a much better life with out him.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 11:35PM
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We can agree children do not want their parents back together unless they are happy.

And if they were happy together they would have never divorced.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 9:16AM
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Yes "secretly" all kids wants their parents together.

No, I don't think any of my siblings or I wanted our parents to get back together. It was kind of cool having a house with our mom in the suburbs and an apartment with our dad in the city. Never really gave the notion of them getting back together much, if any thought. I really think that was because neither one of them made an issue of it, so neither did we.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2009 at 10:26PM
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