I called it!!! I'm dying here!

momof3_stepof1February 19, 2012

She just told my dh she's not bringing him to him. She's keeping him. I told you all this would happen!!! My gut instincts were right on!!!!!!! I'm hyperventalating right now and crying. What do we do? This is going to get so ugly! Already called police. OMG! How do i get an emergency hearing to get supervised visits immediately?

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Calm down.

Do you have an attorney? Yes right??

You will have to file first thing tomorrow for an emergency hearing. I don't think the police can get involved. Has your dh tried to get him back? He is going to have to go there and attempt to get him back. Contact local police to escort him there. They can't force her to return SS but they can make a report which he will need in court. If he just waits for her to bring him back, he hasn't done much of anything to get him back (In the courts eyes)

I'm so sorry!! This is why I wish they would make the police get involved. she over state lines... Unfortunately it's a civil matter which we parents hate to hear!! Let us know what happens.

    Bookmark   February 19, 2012 at 3:06PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

We got him back. DH gave her till 6pm to be at meeting place. If she wasn't at meeting place her city police told us to file a police report with meeting place police. Then they told us to drive straight to them with our paperwork and they would've gone with us to get him. They were VERY nice. DH told her if he had to go to her home to get him he would NOT be alone.

We do not currently have an attorney because we couldn't afford to keep paying to retain him. I'm sure he'd help us again if we came up with another $1500.

During this fight yesterday she kept hanging up on dh. She even had ss messed up in the head enough to call his dad and hang up on him. She always says she isn't saying anything bad to ss about us but she butt dialed dh yesterday and he heard it all. DH yelled at her and told her that ss needs a mother not a 30 year old friend. She hung up again. She's not being a mother, she's being his 'buddy'.

We know ss has fun there because that's all they do but he tells us he wants to live with us. She made him upset to leave yesterday and be defiant to dh. She played a victim.

On the way home my dh was done with it. He told ss he is to NEVER hang up on him again. That that will have consequences from now on. He told him he knows he has fun but our house is the best place for him.

SS came home with a bunch of prizes, apparently they went to Dave and Busters. DH asked if they had drinks, ss said yes and then they drove home. SS said he told his mom he didn't want to get in the car but she told him to get in cause "no one is drunk". We told ss we were proud of him for telling her that. BUT... she's an alcoholic, her feelings of drunk are not my feelings of drunk... mine would be one glass, hers 20. I'm sure they were above the legal limit.

Later that night I simply asked him not to believe the bad things about his dad cause his dad loves him very much and only wants the best for him. He told me that his mom keeps telling him she didn't leave him for his step dad, that back when he wsa 9 she told him her ex had threatened to kill him. KILL MY SS. This is a bold face LIE!!!!! Ex step dad now has custody of his daughter. In court last year she did tell the judge she had filed a police report. There is NO police report. If there was I'd seriously doubt he'd now have custody of his daughter. Who tells their child someone is going to KILL him? This also was the time in which she left him alone ALL DAY EVERYDAY!!! So seriously, LIE LIE LIE!!!

He was crying so had and broke out in hives. I was also in hives. I held him and comforted him. He wanted to call his mom and yell at her. I told him he needs to wait till he's older to do that. He also told me then that that day she really really made his dad look really bad. I again told him his dad loves him so much and only wants the best for him.

I tried talking dh into counseling. He's not likeing the idea. He's bull headed. The woman is mentally unstable. She threatened to keep him, she bad mouthed my dh horribly and now she's putting horrible thoughts into ss's head that kept him from sleeping for a whole week.

We have some texts, emails and specific things my dh has heard. We have what ss says. We can't use what ss says in court, it's hearsay. He'd have to talk to the judge to make it admissable. It's going to mainly be he said/she said. She's making his life a living hell. I'm picking up the pieces but I have to be there for 3 other boys as well.

Anyone have any ideas how to get this supervised visits going? If we file can we do it with a change of venue? We live 2 hours from where the case is located. UGH!!!

    Bookmark   February 20, 2012 at 7:05AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm so sorry.

"He wanted to call his mom and yell at her."

This little boy (sorry, can't remember his age) is doing what he knows his parents want;
when he's with his mom, he's ugly to his dad, & now that he's with dad, he wants to yell at mom.

This will get worse if the family doesn't get some good professional guidance.

"I tried talking dh into counseling. He's not liking the idea."

& his son has *hives*???

Dad needs to stop thinking about what he likes.

This isn't about what Dad likes, it's about his son's mental & emotional & physical health.

If he won't get this small person some relief, you might ask him why he feels like he's a better parent than the child's mother.

Again, I'm sorry, & I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2012 at 9:08AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have an appointment with his pediatrician for a "physical" tomorrow. He needs his 11 yr shots anyway. I'm going to discuss this with her. If she reccommends counseling dh may go for it.

Sylvia, read my previous thread before this one. He came to me on his own with no coercing what so ever. I was cleaning and he was venting to me. It wasn't asked of him, it was stratight up him wanting to talk. We aren't making her look bad, she's doing this on her own.

This woman told her son someone wanted to kill him. I know she did it, he's been hinting at something for the past year and a half and it took till last night for him to come out with it and when he did he broke down and sobbed. I held him. He's a very verbal child, that's why he'd want to confront his mom. (that was his word, confront)

    Bookmark   February 20, 2012 at 9:18AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Really glad he made it home yesterday. Makes one just want to demand of BM just what the heck she's thinking. Putting the child through this tug of war game Momma suddenly wants to play is BS. Sobbing and hives. Poor kid. Good he's going into see dr today. I would think dr will recommend some counseling and hopefully then Dad will agree.

So what does Dad have against counseling? It surprises me he's against it right now. Some things are just 'bigger' than one knows how to deal with. It's OK it reach out and get assistance understanding and coping. SS is like 11, this is all totally overwhelming to him.

You handled last evening well. Hopefully her learning the hard way that she does not call the shots and that you had police willing to witness and report will be a wake-up call from trying the stunt again. While I understand you fear sending SS to her again without some controls, I doubt you can get emergency hearing for supervised and actually be granted. And even sadder, court ordered supervised visitations are usually only temporary (depending on case and conditions set which required the order to begin with).

I think set CO visitation schedule (example: 5pm the 3rd Friday evening of the month to 6pm Sunday) along with place of exchange blah blah might be your best bet. Takes away the game of when/where/how. And I'd stick to that CO no matter what (meaning no trading weekends, no extra days, no last minute 'can I bring him to place at _____ instead blah blah) The CO and the conditions of it are the one area where DH can try to put a stop to the games of visitations she's been pulling. If she does not follow, it can be considered contempt.

I'm concerned with the drinking. Currently though it's his/her word and speculation. Yes, I know she's probably drinking like a fish, but you have no proof (documentation) of it. I would not hesitate if she showed up at exchange and smelled of alcohol to use my cell and report suspicion of drunk driving.

I don't thing it's a good idea to have SS give statements of seeing his mom drink, passed out blah blah. For one, it's not good to use the child in 'ratting out' his mother (very difficult for a child) and two, he's a child. His interpretation of what his mother is doing and/or take on her mental/physical condition is coming from the opinion of an 11 yr old. (Not saying SS is not right, but a lawyer could blow SS's interpetation out of the water). It's not the same as saying 'she left me three days by myself, came home and beat the crap out of me ect ect'.

I think it would be a wise investment to contact a lawyer for legal advice on how to approach whatever it is needs doing. Even if you only use one for initial consult. You need to know your legal way around your options for where to go from here.

I hope SS and you both are feeling better this morning.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2012 at 10:56AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My dh's deal with counseling is that we had my ds12 in counseling for awhile for behaviour. The guy was kinda odd and it never did anything to help us out. He feels it was just a waste of time and money, and honestly with that guy, I felt the same way. My mil was very depressed most of her life and the one psychologist she saw also didn't help much, just over medicated her. This is why he has an issue with it. A friend of mine recommended the school counselor. I think I may give that a shot.

I agree jmt, the set times are a great idea. I love the idea.... BUT yesterday bm was screaming at dh that he's not flexible enought with her. Basically in her terms flexible means giving her her way or she's not happy. I will for sure mention this to dh.

There are pictures all over facebook of her with drinks or beers in her hands. DH has spoken to her with slurred speach. I don't know how to get anymore proof of her alcoholism. Remember, he has come to me with these concerns. I truely think he's scared of riding with them. Not only do we teach them not to get in a car with a drinker but so does the school. He's hearing this from every which way except his mother who tells him it's ok. See..... with me, I'd probably feel drunk after 1 drink. With her it may take 20 cause she's used to it.... but she'll still be over the legal limit way before she feels it. She may tell him she's not drunk, but the law wouldn't agree and neither would the accident she may cause. It makes me sick with worry that something will happen because of the drinking.

I have been on two websites today and sent contact information to two lawyers here in town. I'm hoping to hear from them today.

I did ask dh to notice if he smelt alcohol or noticed her eyes. I think he just wanted to get him and go.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2012 at 12:04PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well, if you're not happy with your counsellor, change him/her. You wouldn't go home with a dress that didn't fit and was the wrong colour for you, why would you stick with a counsellor who wasn't helping?

    Bookmark   February 20, 2012 at 1:17PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

SS had his physical yesterday. I had ds9 with me and didn't want to discuss with the dr while both boys could hear. So I didn't really get to discuss this with her. I plan to call the nurse and talk to her about it soon.

SS seems to be doing ok right now though. Yesterday I took them all to get baseball equipment. I don't know why but ss asked me how much support his mom is behind. I told him it didn't matter. He then told me that "well, she gripes about you guys all the time and says it's all your fault that the paperwork got screwed up and she shouldn't have to pay you at all and what she does pay you is way too much and you don't use it for me at all" , so you may as well say what you want, she does."

This makes me so mad!! The court order is screwed up but that's not our fault and in fact, I'm the one who found the error and pointed it out to her to fix. I will NEVER help her out again. This is what I get for being nice and honest. And I know.... you all know that the $56 per week she pays isn't really enough to raise this child. LOL!! It's kinda funny though you know..... we paid her $58 and it wasn't near enough to pay for him when she had him and of course every dime went to him. But now that it's turned around we are horrible awful people who are taking her to the bank. It's also very hypocritical that during the custody battle she countered it with trying to get her support raised.

What do we do though? She's obviously filling his little brain with all kinds of stuff. Last night she called him and we could hear her. She told him he is to have his phone charged and on ALL the time and he is to call her EVERYDAY! She only talked to him once in the last month before this all happened. Then before she hung up.... he was barely talking.... she told him to just call her in the morning. I don't trust her. Yes, he is absolutely able to speak to his mother... whenever, but she's not stable right now and she's not healthy for him with what she's filling his head with.

Yesterday he had a bout with low blood sugar so I got him a snack. He said the "hot" flashes happen when he cries too like the other night and that didn't have anything to do with low blood sugar. I said no, you were just upset, and I just reiterated that I told him the truth (This was about his ex-step dad NEVER saying he wanted to kill him like bm told him) SS very calmly looked up to me and said "I know, I trust you" he's been hugging me very tight everyday. I've been staying calm with him and just loving him back. I feel so horrible for him.

He knows his mom is a liar but he still has to be her son. There isn't anything around that and I don't know how to get the proof needed to get supervised visits.

Also, I needed to go into their room last night and noticed ss still didn't put his phone on the charger. He moved it but didn't plug it in. It's almost like he did it on purpose. He was asleep so I didn't mention anything.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2012 at 9:28AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Your proof is you get a therapist that will document and write a letter or testify. You get an attorney and you go to court.

Another option is to get a therapist that will help your SS deal with this internally. You can't be his sounding board. You need a professional.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2012 at 11:13AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You do want to 'take the high road', but you don't want to be a doormat. You can't leave her crazy allegations unchallenged -- but that doesn't mean you call her a liar either.

And believe it or not, there is a way... When SS tells you something outrageous that BM has allegedly said (remember, he's 'finessing' the situation also), the proper response is something along the lines of:
"Now why would she say that?" or
"Well, sometimes people say crazy things when they're angry." or
"Does that sound right/true to you?" or
"Have we ever done something like that?" or sometimes,
when absolutely necessary, "That simply isn't true..."

The idea is, to get SS to think about what he's hearing, to question the motives, and to decide for himself who or what he should believe.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2012 at 8:18PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I realize he came to you, that's what I was trying to bring up:

He's trying to cover all his bases in a very volative situation:
when at mom's fuss about dad,
when at dad's fuss about mom, to dad or to you or to the mailbox.

My heart aches for him.

I wish all of you the best...
& I still wish you would approach dad with the novel concept that this is in no way about him;
it's about a child who is at the mercy of the tides in the lives of the adults in his life.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2012 at 4:48PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sweeby, I did kinda say things like that. I asked him if his mom left him alone during the time frame, he said yes, I asked if this really happened if he thought she'd still leave him at home, he said no. Blah blah....

Tonight I'm wanting bm to seriously think about what she's doing to this poor child. The other day when I took him to his physical he told the doctor about getting dizzy jumping rope, which is true, school had called me and I took his inhaler to him. The doctor wanted to be extra careful and did an EKG. It's slightly abnormal with a thickening on his left ventricle (heart). He now has an appointment with a cardiologist and for an echocardiogram. If something really is wrong with his heart he can't possibly be put under this stress.

DH called bm and explained this to her. She's usually accusing us of things when we call cause he's sick. Today she must've laid off the vodka cause she was decent. She understands that right now he is to be under no stress. He can't do any strenuous activities either, which means no basketball games. I got the call today about the results and just instantly had tears in my eyes.

I know he's probably going to be ok, but we'd appreciate any prayers. :)

Thanks for the kind words Sylvia!

    Bookmark   February 23, 2012 at 8:21PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm so sorry to hear this. (read this)

I hope ss will be ok. Let us know ok? Prayers have already been said. Will keep on praying.

I do hope you'll follow up and speak to the dr in private about what's been going on with him. It can't hurt.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2012 at 2:47AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

--"I know he's probably going to be ok, but we'd appreciate any prayers. :) --"

Prayers sent your way. Hang in there, Mom3, you're a good mother and they all need you. Hugs!

    Bookmark   February 25, 2012 at 6:18PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
To visit or not to visit
About three years ago, after many instances of being...
My husband hates my kids...should I leave him
My husband hates my kids, and they hate him back, which...
step adult kids
Where and how do I start.. my wife has two adult kids....
How to Prevent Adult Children Living with You
If you and your spouse are of retirement age, move...
husband has new found 21 year old daughter
I am having a lot of trouble coping. Please dont beat...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™