Ok, I spoke too soon

lovehadleyFebruary 24, 2009

I want to jump out of my skin!

Dh just called me and said we are having SS this weekend again Wed-Sun b/c his mom is going to Texas to see her hubby on his birthday.

AUUGHHH.

It's FINE, I don't really have a choice so I guess it has to be fine---but that's kind of what irritates me about it, you know? This may be bad but I do look forward to the weekends when it's just my DD. They are quieter and I like having that one-on-one time with her. Plus, my mom was supposed to have my DD spend the night Sat. so DH and I could go to a movie and dinner, and now we'll have SS so that won't happen. :(

And, of course, as luck would have it, SS has a half day on Friday so I have to re-arrange my schedule to have him from noon on...

I just get exasperated---I think my issue here is really with DH. HE tells BM "sure, no problem, we can keep him this weekend." But then, at the end of the day, it is ME that's "keeping" him, NOT DH. Am I wrong for feeling exasperated about that?

Just had to vent!

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imamommy

Nope, you are not wrong to feel exasperated. I'd be upset too.

Of course, one of the reasons I believe BM has a problem with me, is that from the beginning, my DH would check with me. Before I came along, BM could ask DH if he can keep SD on her weekend because she has plans (or can he do this or that) and he would answer her yes or no. I think he usually said yes. But, then I come along and he starts telling her he'll have to get back with her and talk to me first. His answer was still usually yes because I never minded him getting SD on BM's weekends. However, I think it really irritated her that he had to check with me first... as if it was up to me. That wasn't it, he was being respectful of OUR relationship and time together. It would be beyond irritating if he just told her yes, then tell me that I have to cancel plans because she decided to take a trip. It would really piss me off if he agreed to keep her and then put it all on me without first asking me.

I know how frustrating it is to rearrange the day or plans because BM wants to do her thing. Personally, I think she should have to ask you if you will watch her child on her time. Unless the dad is going to stay home from work, it really is mom wanting stepmom to take care of her child on her time. Last year, I actually told my husband to tell BM the next time she wants ME to watch SD, she can call me and ask me herself. If he is going to be at work, HE is not going to be watching SD. Since then, BM has not asked him again. (what she was doing was telling DH that she can't be here on time to get SD so SD has to ride the bus and she'll get her later in the day, forcing me to stay home and wait for SD to get off the bus and then wait until BM is good and ready to come get her herself)

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 12:28PM
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lovehadley

"Personally, I think she should have to ask you if you will watch her child on her time"

I kind of agree....but I'm afraid if she DID ask me, I'd say NO and then DH would be mad at me.

UGH. I just had a heated discussion with him and he said "this is my son and I have no problem having him an extra weekend." And I pretty much said "I'm sure you DON'T, because you're not the one watching him!"

Then I feel like a b*tch because I DO understand that this is my DH's son, and OF COURSE he loves him and wants an extra weekend with him. That's FINE, that's not the issue---it's the fact that he wants an extra weekend, but his "extra weekend" will consist of Sunday.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 12:39PM
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imamommy

he said "this is my son and I have no problem having him an extra weekend."

I would (and have) told my husband "then you need to take the time off work and take care of him." I don't think you are being a b*tch if you expect your husband to consider your feelings and schedule. Perhaps you can think of your life and come up with a comparable example where you might make a decision that impacts HIS time, where he may not appreciate it. It isn't about how you feel about his son, it's about respecting you enough to check with you before making plans. In my opinion, it would be no different than him coming home and telling you his boss invited him to a dinner party and he accepted when you had plans to spend a quiet night at home and you really aren't in the mood to socialize. If my husband accepted without at least calling to let me know what is going on, he might risk me telling him to go alone or me being angry at him. Over time, that will eat away at the relationship because it would make me feel disrespected and taken for granted. It isn't about his son at all.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 1:56PM
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organic_maria

Well i guess the movie is out for you and your dh cause maybe your mom wont want ss ontop of your dd...
BUt i wouldn't cancel all together. Cause this use to happen to me and i finally told my husband that i'm not cancelling my plans for weekend just because you made other arrangements for your kids with your ex.
So i would continue doing what i planned and leave him have lone time with his kids.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 3:40PM
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justnotmartha

UGH. I just had a heated discussion with him and he said "this is my son and I have no problem having him an extra weekend." And I pretty much said "I'm sure you DON'T, because you're not the one watching him!"

GOOD FOR YOU! Of course you know at the end of the day you are going to keep him while his mom is gone, but I think the point needs to be made to DH that he is agreeing to something ON YOUR BEHALF without consulting you. How would he feel if you made plans with a girlfriend for a spa day Sunday and told him he was watching your DD while you were gone? The truth is nothing changes for him (less date night) and the whole weekend changes for you. I have to agree with Maria - call a friend and go to the movies and dinner. Let he and his son have a night to themselves. It would be good for you all!

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 5:09PM
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eandhl

Would your parents take both grandchildren overnight if you dropped them off on your way out and picked up early AM?

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 6:07PM
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ceph

No, it's not unreasonable to be mad at DH for changing your weekend plans without asking you. However, it would be unreasonable to take this anger out on SS. So make sure it's pointed where it should be.

I agree with Maria and JNM. Keep your plans, just change them to a date with a friend instead of with DH.

And it's good that you told DH how you feel (even if it maybe could have been said more constructively - LOL).
I've had to explain this one to DH more than once. "If you agree to take A__ without asking me first, you can't be upset if I have something else to do or do not want to participate in whatever you are doing."
I think it has finally gotten through to him now.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 7:06PM
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finedreams

I think it is prefectly fine for dad to have SS extra time, he is his son too, not just BM's.

But it is not OK for him to expect you to watch him all the time and cancel your plans because of that. I think if DH says "yes", then he should watch SS or maybe find someone else like a grandma or some other family member to watch SS so you can go ahead wiht your plans.

If you still have to watch him during the day then at least get out of it at night. I agree with those who say you should still go out that night if that's what you planned. If you cannot find a friend on a short notice, then go to your mom wiht your DD and have dinner there. In any case get out of the house alone or wiht your DD and let dad to do his job: watch his son.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 10:49PM
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