grown adult stepchildren

yvonne1969February 20, 2013

I married my husband 2 years ago, his wife had died of cancer 1 year before that. I had been divorced 7 years, had a good paying job, a great life. My son in law introduced us, My husband was his boss. We lived 6 hours apart and he and I burnt the roads up seeing each other. One night on the phone he ask me to marry him. after 4 mths. I loved him very much, soul partners, if you will. I came to his house and my married daughter, and 2 of his daughters were there. They love him very much, one of hus daughters, that just had twins, is very needy, as is her husband. I just defriended 2 of them off face book because all the put are pictures of there mom and how great she was, I am sure she was. There dad put all 3 of them through college, ones a lifetine student. I have tried being nice ti them, knowing I will never replace there mom.
Two of them treat me like I should not be here and will come over, get our housekey and let themselves in, when we are not at home. My 3 children would never think about doing that. The one with twins wants to go back to work and us keep the chilren for free. I said no. I am on disability because of back problems and my husband will retire in June. We were so excited but now my huband thinks, he should babysit 2 1 yos. I can tell you that we will probably end in divorce if he does this. They are always asking for money, The husband has a great payinf job, but spends his money on 4 wheelers, boats, guns, dogs, etc, so I think he needs to be more responsible, so does my husband, but he shells out money to them.She is the youngest, spoiled and thinks everyone should give, give give them anything they want, All her calls surround money issues and asking "Daddy' what am I going to do. This is part one, its so long, but I have no one else to talk too. I love my husband so much,but they are always bringing up their mom in front of my husband amd me, which makes me uncomfortable. We live in his house, his wife and him lived in, also she got a big dog before she died and made my husband ppromise to keep it (HOUSEDOG). He hates it and so do It reminds me of her Its bad enough I have to live in the same house she did.
ENOUGH NOW, If someone could give me advice on ths part I would appreciate it.
all the time, but he won't get rid of it..

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emma

So sorry to hear that you are going through this. There is no way anyone gets in my home if I am not there. I don't even give my own kids or sisters the keys. I think you are right about a divorce being in your future. I know this is not a popular suggestion in this forum, but after 33 years of hanging in there, I suggest you explain your feelings to your husband and give him an ultimatum. The ultimatum is the only way you will find out where you stand in this marriage. Don't waste 30 years of your life.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Wed, Feb 20, 13 at 12:55

    Bookmark   February 20, 2013 at 12:54PM
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justmetoo

You have more than one 'issue' going on...best you deal with them as what they are.

1) The children's mother died. She did not divorce your husband, she died. Right up to the day this lady passed on she and your husband were a couple and the parents of these children...an intact family , if you will.

Naturally these children loved their mother. They mourn their mother. They hold very fond and loving memories of their mother. It's not a slam nor a sign of disrespect to you. Fact, it's not about YOU at all. So what if they post pics of Mom? So what if they bring up Mom when occassionally speaking. She was their mother. Why would you expect them to pretend the lady did not exist now that she's died and their father has chosen to remarry? Again, it's not about YOU.

2) Of course your children would never dream of helping themselves to the home you live in. It's not their 'home'. It's a house owned by a gentleman their mother just married recently and moved into. Making a comparsion between the situation of the children's feeling of ease in this house is silly.

3) There is bound to be a lot of emotions tied to this current home your husband shared with his deceased wife and his children. Ever discuss with your husband that perhaps it is time to purchase a house together? One the two of you can claim and share as a new beginning for husband/yours relationship. One where none of the children overly feel attached to nor is filled of old memories. Are you next going to post this current house is still left exactly the way it was the day the deceased wife died? And then you sit and and wonder why you feel like the outsider being haunted by days gone by and overstepping children.

Now, look at the other issue. The adult children enabling. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess these children are just doing what Mom and Dad always allowed them to do. Your correct in that these adult children should be earning their own way through life...but I'm going to bank their parents (yes Mom AND Dad) raised and enabled these 'kids' to be the self entitled dependents that they have turned out to be.

Did your new husband and you discuss this issue before you said 'I do'? I guess I never quite understand how some ladies go into some of these relationships seeing how tings exactly are (or assuming things) and then get all outraged and shocked when they actually begin to wake up 'from the honeymoon' and find these issues are still very much present. The issues you find objectional didn't just poof because now you wear a ring.

Sit your husband down (something you should have done before marriage) and discuss finances, household expectaions, go house hunting (who wants to live with a ghost so to say)and see where and what the two of you come up with. If you find yourself yards apart in your wants and expectations, you'll likely correct that there is not much of a future for your relationship. If you find you're both willing to work as a team to build a solid communicating, compromising future that works for both of you together then it's time to put the plan in motion and begin to work towards that future.

This post was edited by justmetoo on Wed, Feb 20, 13 at 13:32

    Bookmark   February 20, 2013 at 12:57PM
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Karen10125

I agree with Justmetoo. There are a few issues here. The mother died and children are still mourning her and always will. It isn't about you and you have to understand and respect that. i think if you reach out and tell them how you understand their pain, they might be more open to you. Because she died as their mother, I even feel their should be a photo of her and kids in the home, it hasn't been that long, they miss her. As for the house, you need to list it TODAY! I remarried and my husband and I both had children who were young adults. We had those same issues with both homes, the children felt the homes were theirs. It was a no brainer, we sold both houses and built a new home, where they're all welcome, but it's OUR home. For the finances and helping the kids, Justmetoo hit the nail on the head again, you need to talk about this BEFORE marriage. There are just too many issues. I saw this with my kids and the way I handled things vs. the way he did. We had agreements before marriage and we stuck to them. It's not too late though, sit down with your husband and come to some agreements. But before you do anything else, SELL THAT HOUSE!

    Bookmark   February 20, 2013 at 2:14PM
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Panda816

Wow, I agree with some of the others, I know it's gotta be difficult but you really need to get out of that house. You and your husband should move. I think that you should also go through the house and give the step kids all of their Mom's stuff. Really, you don't want it because it doesn't mean anything to you but it means the world to them. This way the kids have their mom and you and your spouse can start anew.

Now, as far as talking to your husband about finances before the marriage, I suspect that you probably did that. I have found that men talk a good game. Stuff like, "Not my kids! I make my kids stand on their own two feet." Then the kids give Daddy the puppy dog eyes and that's all that. Talking now is the key.

As for babysitting everyday? Run, don't walk, run and don't let that happen. You will not have a life and you will not enjoy your grandchildren. You will end up exhausted and resenting your husband, the stepkids even more and the grandchildren. Its a lose-lose sista!

    Bookmark   April 15, 2013 at 6:46PM
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emma

I got a job rather than baby sitting my live away. I enjoy going to garage sales and estate sales with my husband and we took a lot of road trips. And I had as many as 9 grand kids here at one time. The first woman I met on the job said, "I had to get a job, all I was doing was baby sitting."

    Bookmark   April 16, 2013 at 9:09AM
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readinglady

If you keep in mind that when you married you had been divorced 7 years but your husband had been widowed only 1 year, that may help to put things in perspective.

1 year is a very short timeframe to deal with the grieving that follows death, especially when it involves a terminal illness like cancer. I think he probably married too quickly and too many issues that should have been resolved beforehand weren't.

I do agree the first priority is to establish your own home space rather than living in his deceased wife's. If selling isn't feasible right now, then do look into repainting, changing flooring, bedroom and living room furniture, whatever is doable within your budget. Fresh paint and linens are pretty inexpensive fixes.

I would also think changing the locks is a very sensible option.

As far as the dog is concerned, I can see it's a painful reminder for your husband and unpleasant for you. My take on such things is while we may make promises to the dying, once they've left this earth, earthly issues are irrelevant. That poor dog probably knows it isn't wanted and if you can find a good home it will be much happier.

And no, don't allow yourself to be trapped into babysitting. It would be the death knell of your marriage. Not to mention risk to your back.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2013 at 4:25AM
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Amafulton60

We are married now for 4 years. My husband was married for 34 years and his wife died of cancer. We met a year after she died. My husband was involved with a woman for a month or so but his daughter didn't like her so it didn't work out. My husband and his wife couldn't have children and they adopted a boy and a girl. The boy is 32 and haven't got a problem with me but his daughter also married with 3 little girls from the start I could feel this vibe between us. In a conversation she will ignore me totally and speak to her Dad even not looking at me. It wasn't nice to visit them and I really tried my best to be a grandmother for the little ones. She also go off one day at me and said she hate me and everything change when I came into there life. For 3 years I cope with this without saying a word and always tray to be on my best, hate it to visit them but the little ones were always loveable to me and I enjoy them very much. I never wanted to bring tensions between my husband and his daughter. But he also feel that she are treating me bad and then he had enough and told her off. That was the end of a relationship of what you can call it between us. She put all the blame on me and then I decided to be like invisible and stop visiting them like my husband visit them alone and it is not nice for our relationship. She is in her element with this arrangement and I am not part of there lives any more. It feels if I am loosing my husband because of this. My son died 3 years ago in a car accident that was the worse that could happened with me. I am not over it yet. My husband were my strength during this time. I also got a daughter with 2 little ones that loves my husband and tread him very well. But after this incident with his daughter it feels like my husband try to avoid my daughter, he is still friendly with her, but try to bring out the any wrongs from them not in a bad way but put it on the table for me to see.
I don't know what to do. I did sent her a email and ask her to forget about what happened and for us to go forward and tray to be a family again but she ignore it. My husband said in the beginning it is all his daughters fault because he said he could see I did tray but it feels if she brainwashed him now. I feel like giving up in life.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2013 at 6:33AM
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piggyinthemiddle

instead of living in one house that isnt making anyone happy, why not try househunting in a good value for money area and try to buy 2 small apartments in that area with the money you would get from the sale from the one house. Live in one of the apartments yourself and LET the other. You would then have a useful source of income other than jobs, be living in a small place unsuitable for pets and unwanted guests and in the event of your or your husbands death, there would be 2 identical properties to be split between kids from both marriages if some of them fell on hard times. As for babysitting, theres a huge difference between half a day a week taking grandchildren to the park (lovely!) helping out at medical appts and maybe the swimming baths, with are stressful for new parents with more than one child, and being taken for granted. I dont know if this would solve all your issues but it would definitely solve some of them especially if you have back problems, a small ground floor apartment (or upper floor with a lift) will mean less maintenance and maybe no stairs to climb anymore. Think it over, dont rush into any decision, because may problems cant be solved with bricks and mortar as they are emotional scars that can travel with you everywhere you go, but sometimes a complete "change of scene" is as good as a rest and does actually work....so its worth a try if your reaching the next stage of life where it might suit you.

    Bookmark   February 19, 2015 at 5:44AM
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