Inheritance and so on...

cmestepFebruary 15, 2011

My DH and I have been married for 3 1/2 yrs. I'm his fourth wife, he is my third....I know, I know. He has 4 "adult" sons. I have no kids. My DH has received a very large inheritance amount from his Mom ( with more to come after she passes). He has given 90% to his kids. He gave us a small amount which was nice, but he has given them money to bail them out of things THEY should be bailing themselves out of. He states that it is his money and he'll do what he wants with it. He also states that he won't touch the money we have, just this that came from his Mom. I don't understand it, he's not saving ANY for his use ( fix his motorcycle, his dad's old truck that's rotting in our driveway). He hates where we live, but I guess doesn't want to do anything about it, he's also not saving any for retirement. We have "some retirement", but not much. This is soooo frustrating. Is this rational thinking? Do I sound like a loon? I know I havn't been around for a long time, but I know when you trying to buy the kids off, and your not helping them GROW up. So....with that said, and he's NOT going to change this ( and remember, he's not going to touch our money), can you guys help me get my mouth up off the floor and stop thinking about this? Suggestions are what I need. I can't change him, but I can change me.

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While I realize it must be very frustrating, knocking yourself out thinking over it is only hurting yourslef. It's going to build resentment and misplaced anger. Kids are not to blame if Dad is willing and wanting to hand it out. He obviously wants to. Whether they should be needing it, well, that's a totally different issue...but this is Dad's money from his mother. Mom's life long savings and he's dishing it out to her grandkids. While it seems a silly thing to do, at least to you (or maybe an unearned thing on the kids part or even a 'when is Dad going to let them growup' point)it appears to be making perfect sense to him...and it's his money.

When he runs out of this money though, the kids are likely going to expect hand-outs to keep coming. That will be where your real objections and concern should come. The income and savings that DH and you have together and build together are areas you watch or that will be a major issue. And rightly so.

Maybe you can get him to store the old car (and motorcycle) so at least those items are not in the way?

    Bookmark   February 15, 2011 at 12:06PM
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I think him not saving for retirement or hating where he lives or not fixing motorcycle is entirely different issue from his inheritance.

If he is the type not to save enough and not to fix things, then that's who he is, and as I assume he is not in his 20s, he is not going to change. You probably knew when you married him. Did you? I think it should be pretty obvious. Why is that a surprise for you that he is not a saver or a fixer?

On the issue with his kids, his kids, his mother, his money. If he spends mom's money on his kids, it is what he is entitled to do. Also the fact that he spends on them does not necessarily mean they are selfish or entitled.

I understand you are building your life together, but it's been only 3 years, most of his life was built way before you. I do agree he needs to save part of his income, but he can do whatever he wants with his mom's money.

There might be another theory here...Since he's been married 4 times he probably knows by now that marriages and relationships start and end and spouses/girlfriends come and go but kids stay. Most of the time... They will always be your kids, good or bad. That might be his theory.

Both you might have a tendency to make hasty decisions though. He appears to live a life style that you do not approve of: his spending habits, his relationship with his kids etc I see 2 options: accept what it is and stop worrying, or bail out now.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2011 at 5:23PM
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If I was you I would be having my money seperate from his. You need to worry about your retirement and your future. If he is the type to hand out money to his kids all the time, even when he needs it the money you have saved together could be what he hands out next.

I say this from experience because I have watched my father hand my half sister money all her life, even when he could not afford it. And the money was not for helping her out of a jam or was just to make her life easier as my father and stepmom and baby sister struggled.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2011 at 7:28PM
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Your life would be much happier if you can just ignore his inheritance. You love him before the inheritance, aren't you? and I hope you will love him after all the inheritance is gone. Do you love him for who he is or you love him for his inheritance?.

I have seen so many families destroyed because of inheritance and money that they did not earn. That is why I try to teach my children that "it is very easy to make money, but it is very difficult to keep money.". For those who have never learned the habit of saving 20% first then spend the rest, they will always struggle with money even when they get a large inheritance. I agree that your husband should attach some carrots to the share to his boys, but he probably feels guilty for abandoning these kids over the years with many wives. We don't know how he thinks until we all have walked a mile in his shoes.

On a personal note, I dated a woman, divorce, beautiful, successful, and highly educated. When I mentioned to her that I would like to will the 401K and life insurance from my first wife of 22 years who had been killed in a car accident a year prior, to my daughters (as a gift from their mother). This woman broke out in a rage, wanting it all to her and her own teenage daughter if I die. She even then called my children as B*tches. Of course, I left her shortly after that, for I knew why she wanted me.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2011 at 12:08AM
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wow, a woman wanted money that your late wife (so sorry about that) left for your children to go to HER???? This is as bizzare as it gets. I am glad you discovered it ahead of time.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2011 at 12:15PM
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"If I was you I would be having my money seperate from his.

You need to worry about your retirement and your future.

If he is the type to hand out money to his kids all the time, even when he needs it, the money you have saved together could be what he hands out next."

& he'll hand it to them even if he *knows* that he's spent all of his & that he's giving them your money.

been there, done that, paid for everybody's dang tee shirt, & heard story after story from other women who've done the same thing.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2011 at 4:56PM
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Parent of one:
The story of my xgf even got weirder when she conveniently walked into a jewelry store with me and wanted a $35,000 ring for no apparent reason. I laughed it off at first, but then she repeated the demand the 2nd and 3rd week, I knew she was a serious gold digger. This woman makes a $100,000 per year and has no savings. Her basement room is full of about 300 brand new clothing from the Loft, many of which still had the tag on it.

The strangest thing was she complained that why I forgot to pull the chair for her, while her xbf did.

The lesson I learned from that relationship was that true beauty and true love come from the inside. We have to learn to look past the facade, peer into the soul and see the real person there.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2011 at 9:34PM
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