Another vent!!!!

imamommyFebruary 3, 2009

Last night at dinner, SD told us she hasn't talked to her mom in at least two weeks. She's asked several times to call and we give her the phone but she's been getting BM's voice mail. BM hasn't called her back once.

So, SD called her sister and asked her sister if their mom is okay because she hasn't talked to her in two weeks. Her sister told her she's talked to their mom and gave her BM's house number, which we didn't have. SD called the house number but again, got her mom's answering machine. BM never called her back either.

As a mom, I couldn't (or wouldn't want to) go more than a couple of days without talking to my kids. I know there isn't anything that can be done about it, but it's just hard to see how it affects SD... especially when it feels like she's taking it out on me because her mom is unavailable.

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I know how you feel. It is awful! My skids bm does the same thing. She has actually gone months without calling them! 2 weeks is actually a pretty short time for my skids bm to go without talking to them! She made plans 2 weeks ago to take them one day last weekend. The day came and no show no call no nothing! Stil have not even heard from her. I am sure she will call in a few weeks and if the kids ask about it they will get a lame excuse that they will not believe but probably won't call her on it!

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 11:45AM
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I know it could be worse, my exBF's kids went month without seeing or talking to their mom too. It didn't really bother them, or at least they didn't get visibly upset over it. Sadly, maybe they were just used to it. But, SD sees her mom regularly and mom tells her how much she loves and misses her, wants her to come live with her, etc. and then when SD is here, she doesn't seem to even think about her.. at least she doesn't call her or take her calls. It gives such mixed messages to SD and she is constantly in turmoil over it. I know it's not my problem but I'm on this roller coaster with SD... liking me & being my buddy when she has a revelation that mom is ignoring her... treating me like crap when mom finally answers her phone (like, I don't need YOU anymore, I got my mom!) and then when she can't get through to her mom again for days/weeks, she reverts back to ignoring me or acting like it's my fault she can't talk to her mom... and of course, when it suits her, she tells her mom things like, how her & I are best friends or whatever to get her mom jealous or upset that we are getting along great when it really isn't like that. When she tells her mom those things, I let it go because I know she's just trying to get her mom to react.. show jealousy or act like she cares about SD. She desperately wants her mom's attention and if she wasn't trying so hard and if she didn't seem to care so much, maybe it wouldn't bother me at all. It never really bothered me when my exBF's kids' mom didn't call or see them. I thought it was awful but her loss. I guess it didn't bother me because it didn't seem to bother them.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 1:00PM
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I think inconsistent parenting is, in many ways, worse than no parenting at all.

My DD's father has not seen her in 6+ years and she's had no contact. And while I know this is an issue she will have to mentally process at some point, right now it doesn't bother her. She doesn't know any different.

My heart goes out to your SD. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. :(

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 3:40PM
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Hi Ima, it's a cr*ppy situation and I feel for you guys!!
We don't have the same problem, BM is ALWAYS on the phone to skids, trying to make them feel bad for staying with us and getting them into tears as much as possible. Also a bad situation!

When I read your post this is what I think:

"treating me like crap when mom finally answers her phone (like, I don't need YOU anymore, I got my mom!)"

This is not about you, she does need you. Probably once she talks to her mom there are a lot of mixed emotions. Happy and relieved that mom did not reject her, again. Hope that from now on it will be better. The fact that she does need her mom and that she doesn't get what she needs (no offence to you of course, any kid needs their parents). And then there's anger. I bet that your SD is pretty angry at her mom at the same time but she can't tell her mom that. After all, she's desperate to get her mom closer, not push her away. Therefore her anger has to be taken out on somebody

"and then when she can't get through to her mom again for days/weeks, she reverts back to ignoring me or acting like it's my fault she can't talk to her mom..."

I read somewhere that kids in a difficult situation like divorced parents etc. tend to get angry with the 'good' parent and not the 'bad' one. This is because they feel comfortable enough with the 'good' parent to let it out, knowing that they won't 'loose' this parent if they do so. Try and see it that way, it's really a confirmation of how comfortable she is around you.

"and of course, when it suits her, she tells her mom things like, how her & I are best friends.."

She has to try everything she can think of to get her mom involved in her life. If she has to resort to trying to get her mom jealous than she will do that. As you said she's desperate for her mom's attention. And are you sure that it's not how she really feels? She might have a very hard time showing you or admitting it because it makes her vulnerable. She's so vulnerable, even her own mom is unreliable and steps on her heart!

How old is SD? Is it an option to take her to counseling to help deal with these issues? Or get some advise for yourself on how to deal with this. Which makes me think of starting a new thread, I wonder how other SM's deal when they feel angry..

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 5:07PM
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I'm so sorry for your SD that she has such a sh*tty mom. Poor thing! At least you are there and she knows that you will always be there even when her mom isn't.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 5:19PM
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liesbeth, I know you are right, it's not about ME. She's 9 and has been in counseling for two years with zero progress. She's lied to the counselor and recently had to stop going to counseling because we lost our health insurance. But, I know why she's doing the things she does and I don't take it personally when she treats me the way she does, but it doesn't make it any easier.

She knows she can depend on me 24/7, even when she's being a brat towards me. I just wish there was some way to make BM see how much she's hurting her and there really isn't. I told DH he should at least call BM and tell her how SD feels or tell her that she needs to call her daughter but he said it won't do any good and might make things worse. BM doesn't like anyone to point out anything that might make her look like a bad parent.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 5:52PM
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I know where you're coming from. You want to fix things but you can't. It's the same for me. I see BM damaging my skids with her behavior and there's NOTHING I can do to stop it/make it go away/fix it. I would love to tell BM that what she does is damaging her own children, and for BM to get help, but it will never happen!!

How disappointing that counseling has not helped, and 2 yrs is quite a long time. My skids are going to go for the first time on the 25th and I so hope that they will get something out of it!!

We just need to keep doing what we're doing, and in time things will change. For me it helps to give myself a break every now and then, as I wrote in another post. You make sure you look after yourself and you give yourself a break too. And yes, it is a good idea for DH to try and talk to BM. My FDH has just been through that again. He tried to get BM involved in Parenting Classes (for both of them to attend classes, either together or separate). He also initiated counseling and mediation several times, and even though it didn't change anything, FDH knows he's tried to do the right thing. He always says that if he can help BM he helps the kids, and I believe that that's true. However some people just cannot be helped..

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 6:10PM
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Part of the problem with counseling not working, in my opinion, is that BM was telling SD things like saying SD is going to go live with mom but don't tell dad or ima, so SD was going around with her 'secret' and also keeping it secret from the counselor who is trying to work through SD's feelings about her mom leaving. SD was probably thinking to herself that she doesn't need to deal with those feelings because she is getting to go live with mom, we just don't know it... but she does. Then, we found this out because SD decided to tell everyone at school it was her last day and the bus driver called me. Since then, SD has told us several times that her mom keeps telling her she is moving there. It won't ever work as long as BM keeps the hope up for SD that she is going to live over there. I think BM tells her that because at the time, it is what SD wants to hear and she doesn't want to have to explain to SD why SD can't go live there or BM doesn't want SD to know that she (BM) really doesn't want her kids over there with her.... otherwise, she would have her older daughter there with her. She has full custody of her but left her with grandma.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 6:59PM
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It sounds like your SD has really moved into her own little fantasy world, even telling busdriver! I feel so sorry for her, she's obviously very much in denial and I don't see how you could help her snap out of that. You don't want to crush her hopes and you probably couldn't even get through to her anyway. If DH could talk to BM and get BM to be honest with SD, that's probably the only way.
I don't know if there is any chance of getting somewhere with BM, but it doesn't sound too hopefull.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 7:20PM
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Just hugs and an understanding ear here. You know I feel your pain!

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 8:48PM
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two weeks not talking to a minor child? I would assume she had car accident, or died. but she talks to older DD? why?

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 10:23AM
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She finally talked to her last night. BM told DH she's been trying to call but we won't answer the phone. DH told her that's not true. She said she called my cell phone everyday and I don't answer it and I won't let her talk to her baby. I can show there has been no missed or received calls from her and my DH knows I wouldn't do that since I am the one more upset by her not calling.

She's such a liar! and of course, she tries to throw me under the bus... AGAIN!

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 10:43AM
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Print out your detailed call log from the internet and show SD. There's nothing wrong with that. You're not slamming BM. Maybe say something like "I'm not sure what number she was calling, but as you can see right here, your mom's number never dialed my number. If it had, the phone company would have put it on this report. Maybe your mom mis-dialed or something".

I had to do this with my DS. His dad said he didn't know about his championship game and that's why he didn't attend. Well, he used to get mad at me when I would check with him to see if he remembered or see if he got a notice. He even e-mailed me back one time when I forwarded him an e-mail from the baseball coach and said that he didn't need my e-mails taking up space in his inbox because he's on the list and gets everything from the coach. So.....I stopped. DS called his dad after they won the championship and his dad was all p*ssed that he didn't know about it. Then DS was mad because he thought I was keeping his dad away (not the case). So.....I took DS to the computer, pulled up my e-mail and showed him the e-mail from the coach with his dad's address clearly on there. I explained to him that maybe his dad didn't check his e-mail in time, but he WAS informed and no one intentionally left him out.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 12:26PM
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keep it as a documentation in case she asks for custody. you can show that she does not call her DD. Print phone log and save (I mean your DH rather than you). it could come handy one day.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 11:21PM
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"I mean your DH rather than you"

What an ignorant thing to say. Do you really think it makes any difference to anyone, who prints out the phone log and saves it? Is there a reason DH should do that as opposed to me? Maybe I am just not seeing something from your perspective and overreacting to that comment, but is it really necessary to say something like that? (Not that I want to be the record keeper, but I'd just like to know why you think it would matter at all)

    Bookmark   February 4, 2009 at 11:41PM
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i remember BM trying that on us a few years back with my sd..actually maybe it was 2 years ago...she said we had blocked her phone calls so that when the kids were on vacation that we wouldn't get the phone told my sd..nope sorry i made sure that the operator this time would not miss any calls coming in and i have my phone records of who tried calling. It stated that your mother cell phone had locked our number out so when you tried to dial it would give a busy signal.
So next time call from a pay phone and dont use your moms cell phone. Its obvious she doesn't want to pay for it.
Sd realized we were not lying. And vacation calls too come through as well. and bm has tried to say i erase messages...i said ya..your mom said that...i press the play button and ihave all the last 14 messages my machine has caught and every one message that my sd had left for her dad was there. and this was last year.
I told her ' your mother knows nohting about me, i dont erase any phone messages and i'm come to the conclusion that anything your mother says out of her mouth about me is a ask me if you want to know about something about me or anythign that concerns me because its obvious your mother wrong and i've proved it twice now.'
so i guess we all go through the phone bs..whether its eow visitations or half and half custody.
i just wish bioparents would stop playing these bs games and just claim responsibility and stop acting like their shoe size.
You know, even though my sd knows i'm not lying her mother has still managed to instill a doubt in her. Because she still asks her father if he got the message and he says YEs i did with a sarcastic annoyed voice because he's so disgusted in his ex wifes tactics.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 10:43AM
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It is my opinion. You don't like it, don't follow it. You aks for advice but if you don't like what people answer, don't use it. Simple as that. Why getting angry? You can do whatever you want but if in a court proceeding you are the one who pulls out documentation it might not look too good. it would look much better if dad speaks of the case. Who prints phone log does not matter, my comment was that dad, rather than you, should be the one to use this documentation in case mom argues over something. If you want to be the one, it is fine wiht me. Won't be fine wiht a judge. My suggestion was how to avoid drama. But you are free not to use it. What do i care?

I do not have time to type lenghty detailed posts. My time for the internet is very limited.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 11:33AM
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FD, Thanks for clarifying... If DH were to end up in court, of course HE would talk to the Judge, not me. I testified in their last trial and the Judge was fine with my involvement in SD's life.. even though BM disagreed with much of it. The Judge doesn't always treat a child like the property of the parents, thank goodness!

From your previous post, it didn't appear you were suggesting the Judge would ask who printed things or who prepared the case. I guess maybe the Judge would get mad if a SM does it but not if an attorney does it? I'll be sure to tell DH not to let his attorney prepare anything for him for court, he has to do it himself so the Judge won't get mad...

If a BM is going to cause drama over who prints out logs or who prepares a case... well, then she's gonna cause drama no matter what is done. If I'm involved, I'm overstepping. If I'm uninvolved, I'm neglectful. Sometimes there is a no win situation, which is what I have here. I guess it would be me causing drama if I got in her face and told her that I was the one that did it. Like I said, I am letting my DH do all his own stuff in regard to his DD and BM. I want nothing to do with it but BM still thinks I am the 'driving force' behind it so it really makes no difference what I do. It's just easier to blame a SM. It was just a dumb thing to add to a reasonable comment, but you are entitled to make dumb comments I guess. Of course, that's just MY opinion... (that it was a dumb comment).

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 12:08PM
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I don't really have any opinion on intelliegence of your posts, who cares. Saying unintellegent stuff here is pretty harmless, who really cares what we say here. Doing dumb stuff in a daily life has consequences, but you already know that. But keep doing what you are doing. ;) Enjoy drama in yours and kids/stepkids lives. If that's what works for you, go for it. As long as you type intelligent posts LOL and hope it is going to fix everything. ;)

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 3:12PM
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"I do not have time to type lenghty detailed posts. My time for the internet is very limited."

Oh come on FD!!!

    Bookmark   February 5, 2009 at 5:37PM
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my posts are usually short, liesbeth. certainly much shorter than imamommy's. I do not have as much time. and I don't spend much time on the internet plus i don't type that fast. plus i don't care enough. of course occassionally I post some longer stuff when i have extra time, but it does not happen that often. wow it was already too long. lol

    Bookmark   February 6, 2009 at 4:13PM
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