What would YOU do?
Here's the background on the current issue:
Since BM moved 3 hours away a year and half ago, SD has lived with us and we put her in school near us (for obvious reasons). She was starting 3rd grade when BM left. For the first year, just about every week we got a call, text or email from BM the day before, the morning of from BM telling DH that she can't get SD at the agreed time... she's supposed to pick up SD from school on Friday (when school lets out). It was usually that she can't be on time so "can SD ride the bus and Ima watch her until I get there?" SD got out of school at 2, she'd get there at 3-4. I felt she was doing it just to irritate me. She knew I work from home and saved my errands for Fridays because it was the only day I didn't have to be home when SD got off the bus. The more I protested that I had to work, it just continued. I decided to be agreeable and even offer to do fun 'mother/daughter' things with SD while we wait for BM and it stopped. She picked her up on time (or so we thought) and stopped asking to get her late. Then DH found out (from the school) that BM had been checking SD out early. She had asked DH a couple of times and he told her no but then went to the school and did it without him knowing. When he found out, he told the school she doesn't have custody and there's no reason for her to take her out early. The school got a copy of the order and the next time BM tried to get her early (the next week), the school called DH. BM told him SD had a 'counseling' appointment near her house and DH agreed if she provided a receipt. BM promised she'd get him the info and took SD. She never provided the info and he let her know she is not taking SD again. That's when she started sending her mom to get SD for her. DH didn't have a problem with that as long as SD was in school all day. SD had a problem with it and cried because she wanted her mom to get her and doesn't like grandma very much as grandma favors her sister and hasn't always been nice to SD. But, that is not our problem and DH figured SD should tell her mom she doesn't want grandma to get her... of course we don't know if she ever did but grandma got her the rest of the school year.
Now, this school year SD is in 4th grade and gets out at 2:20. Back in October, BM told SD to tell dad that grandma is picking her up the rest of the school year. (Yeah, it is annoying that BM has SD delivering messages that SHE should) DH didn't have a problem with it until the middle of November when grandma picked up SD and kept her half the weekend while BM stayed home with her BF and his kids. When he picked up SD at the end of her weekend, he found out grandma had cut SD's hair short. (He had just taken SD to a salon a couple of weeks earlier and let her pick her own style) What he was most upset by is that BM and grandma had told SD not to tell her dad that mom wasn't coming to get her from grandma or that grandma was going to cut her hair. So, DH told BM if she wants SD, she has to come get her herself. EVERY weekend from the middle of November, all of December and January, has been preceded by a phone call or text from BM or grandma. In December, grandma wrote a text to DH that she is going to pick up SD the next day. DH wrote back "no you're not" and BM called him up yelling at him that whatever he wrote to her mother, caused her mom to collapse at work and an ambulance had to be called. Her mom is in her 70's so he wasn't sure what to believe. Of course BM is a pathological liar so he doubts the whole thing but by her telling him that, she gave him another reason grandma should not be getting SD for BM. He told BM that if she provides medical clearance that grandma is not prone to pass out, he would reconsider letting her get SD in the future. BM then claims she can't get proof because doctor-patient privilege prevents it. So, he told her grandma can't get SD for her anymore. Then BM went to the school (it's not the same school as last year. This year she is at the campus that is 4-8 grade) and checked out SD early. DH provided the school with another copy of the order and they told him if BM tried to get SD early again, they would call him. The next Friday, BM went to the school early again, told them SD had an appointment and told the office staff that he had discussed it with DH and he said it was okay. They either took her word or maybe she showed him her cell phone where she had called him that morning. She had called him about the four day weekend but did not tell him anything about an appointment. He was livid and the school apologized profusely.. the secretary told me that she can't believe BM boldly lied to her face... that she was SO convincing! The school told him that the order was vague and they would like him to get an order that specifically says BM cannot take SD out early because BM is on the emergency card. (She had also added her BF on the emergency card DH submitted, as 'stepdad') So, DH filed a motion for an injunction order asking the court to decide if BM has the right to pick up SD early and if grandma has the right to come get SD for BM. (with the grandma issue, he would like to be flexible with her but since BM told him she collapsed, he would be more comfortable if the Judge decides because if by chance grandma collapses with SD in the car) Well, they go to court this Thursday. BM was served last week while SD was with us. The issue of custody and visitation is not going to be addressed so there is no mediation set... just asking the court to decide if BM can get SD early and if Grandma is able to go in BM's place?
Now, the current issue:
BM either let SD read the court papers or discussed in detail what was contained in them over the weekend. SD came back last night and was in tears. She accused her dad of making up a story about grandma passing out and said that it was all her fault grandma cut her hair because she wanted it cut and asked grandma and grandma didn't know dad didn't want it cut. Then she told DH that she has a say in where she gets to live. DH told her that's not true and she's going to live here until a court decides she should live with her mom and her mom has not asked the court for that. She cried that she just wants it to go back to the way it was before, where she was with him one week and one week with her mom. He agreed that would be better but since her mom moved too far away, that's not possible.
He spent nearly an hour talking to her and he was pretty upset when he was done. He came and told me what she had said and he wanted to call BM on it. He asked me what he can do to keep BM from discussing the case with her and letting her read court papers. BM tries to paint DH as the bad guy (and I'm sure she says I put him up to it). When SD came in, she totally ignored me and went to her room. I had left her valentine's gift on her bed and she came out 10-15 minutes later, said 'thanks' and went back in her room. I felt hurt but after hearing what she told DH, I can see she has way too much on her mind and after spending the weekend hearing negative things about us, she probably is angry because now she sees BM as a victim and we are doing mean things to her mom. The saddest part of all is that BM is putting SD in the position to take responsibility for the things BM and/or grandma have done. and I say that because SD does not need to know that we are going to court nor does she need to know why. Now, SD has the burden to have this on her mind all week.
I gave DH my opinion last night. I told him that no, he should not bother saying anything to BM about it. He wants to call her on it and tell her to stop discussing court stuff with SD. He's told her to stop in the past and she has either denied discussing anything and has defended her 'right' to discuss the case with her daughter, saying "I am not going to keep secrets from my kids!" so my opinion is it's not going to change anything to tell her again and it's what she wants... she wants him to react and cause a little drama before court. The day she was served, she called him and told him how she's going to be there with her mom and she's going to bring up this and that (things having nothing to do with the issue at hand). She tried to stir up some crap on Friday by insisting on getting SD from our house instead of from my office because I have to work. I guess she wanted me to have to leave work and wait at home for her to get there. Well, no I took SD with me to work and had arranged for my daughter to come give her a ride to my house at 2pm. At 1:45 BM got to my house and started calling DH to find out where the hell I am with her daughter. She sent me a text message (time stamped at 1:55) telling me it's after 2, where am I? I told her I'm at work and my daughter will be there by 2, it's only 1:55. She told me I don't need to be so snotty. My daughter had her there by 1:59 but that is how petty she is being. She could have picked her up from my office which is closer but she wanted to make me do what SHE wanted and was pissed because she had to sit at the house for 15 minutes and wait for her daughter to get there ON TIME.
My question is "what would YOU do?" If you were in DH's shoes, would you bother to tell BM anything? What would you tell SD, if anything?