Valentines Day cancellation

mom2emallFebruary 12, 2009

So Monday night BM called to make plans to take the kids this weekend. We said sure. SD has a game you will need to take her to on Sat. morning, but the rest of the weekend is free. Of course BM sounded upset that she may have to drive the 10min from her house to sd's school for the game! She made the comment that she may only be able to take the other 2 kids.

So yesterday she calls and says that she did not realize that Saturday was Valentine's Day and she has plans so she will not be taking the kids for the weekend.

I told her that we also had plans because she committed to taking the kids. She then said well "I can not take them".

I replied with "thats ok we do EVERYTHING for the kids anyways so you go ahead and enjoy Valentine's Day without them...they are used to being disappointed by you and you are used to not seeing them anyways!"

Then I hung up.

I am tired of being nice to her. I am tired of biting my tongue.

Last night we told the kids the truth, that their mom called and said since it was Valentine's Day and she forgot she had plans she was not taking them.

The girls looked shocked. Asked why BM did that? We said we are not sure but they can ask her when they speak to her next time.

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gardenandcats

Good for you! I think you handled it right..

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 8:57AM
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organic_maria

I knew she would scr*w you over from last week post! Good for you for telling her off and calling her on her tactics of not seeing the kids.
I suggest that you do not cancel your night for valentine's day. i think you should go out for a romantic dinner with your husband and then the next day take the entire family out to celebrate valentines as a family.

My Sd also tried last weekend to pull a fast one with a remark for this weekend. She said that shoudl would like him ot come up and pick her up that day!
He said, no i'm driving for 3 hours that day. I've made plans in advance and its your mothers weekend. If you'ld like to come into town tell your mother drive you in for the day. I'm sure she has time since she hasn't worked now for a year. Sd replied saying its mom weekend and she wont drive....my dh...too bad that's not my problem eh.? I do alot of driving and i work and i take care of a second family as well. Besides, your mother and i do not swap weekends, you know that. Its valentines day, i've made plans with Maria.
We haven't gotten a baby sitter, we always include my son in Valentines day. we dont mind. We can have any romantic day we want, it doesn't have to be valentines. Its just that Sd has had issues with that weekend for the last 3 years...its like she's in competition or she tries to oust me out and my Dh has defending me tooth and nail from her and for that i am so greatful that as a husband he has my back most of the time.
Mom2emall, dont cancel! tell your sk that day is planned for private time between you and dad. THe next day will be celebrated as a family day for valentines.
For the first time this year, i did not pick up anything for my skids. In the last 7 y ears i always had valentine packages and they would give my DH a card with hearts...they didnt' do it last year and they didn't do it this year for him so i'm putting my foot down. I'm not doing the usual if they are going to hurt my DH. I will not rewards them for their lack of acknowlegdement to their Dad. So they got nothign this year and i'm focusing on my Dh.
Sd tried to sobotage last year and this year for Valentine's and my Dh has caught on to the tactics.
She even had a fight with him last weeekend and she made the remark ' oh i'm exactly like mom eh?' My Dh responded, Yah, that's why i divorced her so dont be so pround of that eh?' She was PIST! And the next day got lovey dovey.....lol....big mistake on her part....my Dh knows all the tactics of bm...its not working...
Sorry i'm rambling about my stuff....it just burns me to see BS like this on days like this and BM know we plan stuff and it just goes to show how selfish she truly is as a person.
In our case, its SD who's doing the tactics

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 9:19AM
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mom2emall

We are going to have to cancel our plans. We had nothing really set in stone. Just had talked about dinner and a movie. But we don't leave my 14yo sd in charge of all the kids for more than running to the grocery store or anything. And our family members will have plans I am sure.

So we will probably just have a night with the kids that night and do our night out another night.

The good thing is everyone will be home for breakfast. I knew my son would be home that morning because he has not been going to his dads till Sat. nights and I had figured my skids would be home. I had bought some cute Valentine's Day plastic wine glasses at the dollar store to put juice in for the kids. And we got each of them a card. And I have some heart shaped pans I was going to use to make pancakes.

So I am sure we will have a good day. Just mad that BM gets to say she won't take them because she has plans. Would be nice if we could just drop them off on her doorstep and say you HAVE to take them today. LOL

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 9:48AM
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believer

When I was with my first husband his 5 year old daughter was dropped off with us 1 week before she started school. The drop off was proceeded by a phone call about 20 minutes before her mother brought her over with a suit case. The suit case had clothes in it not fit to send a child to school in. We had her every other weekend up to that point and had purchased clothing for her at times but you all know how that goes. You never see it once it leaves your house. I took her shopping right away and off to kindergarten she went a week later. I was 20 years old.

Her mom would call on the Friday night before her visitation...maybe 9 at night and say that she had plans and would not be picking daughter up the next morning for her weekend. We would have plans, as you try to and have to cancel. I can't count the number of times she did this or just stood her daughter up while the little girl stood on the couch, suit case packed, waiting to see her mom's car pull up.

It makes you sick. I feel for you guys. You may expect it from BM but no one ever gets used to it. It is cruel.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 10:20AM
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stargazzer

Have you thought about telling her she needs to tell her kids herself. You should screen the calls and let the kids answer it when she calls. Sounds as if she is making you the bad guy because she can't face them. If she had to tell them herself she might think twice before breaking her promises.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 10:41AM
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silversword

Believer..."I can't count the number of times she did this or just stood her daughter up while the little girl stood on the couch, suit case packed, waiting to see her mom's car pull up."

This mental picture brought tears to my eyes. I agree with Star...

"Sounds as if she is making you the bad guy because she can't face them. If she had to tell them herself she might think twice before breaking her promises."

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 10:58AM
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justnotmartha

I think you did the right thing. No more sugar coating BM - let the kids - especially the two who think she is a queen - see how much you have been propping her up on her throne. It's time to understand who and what they are dealing with. It's sad, but SD has been so much 'easier,' for lack of a better word, since we stopped making excuses for her mom and let her see who she really is.

Sorry about your plans, but it sounds like you will have a fun day anyway.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 12:43PM
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momof5angels

Good for you, mom2!! BM's behavior is ridiculous but will never improve if she isn't called on it!!! Hopefully she has a sucky weekend knowing that she chose to not get her children for her own selfish reasons.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 2:43PM
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mom2emall

What I do not understand is that she has 3 other kids that do live with her. I doubt she is able to get rid of them for the day so what difference would it make to have her other 3 children there?

Oh well. I will never understand what she is thinking about anything!

I do like the idea of having the kids answer the phone when she calls to cancel even if she is calling my cell!

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 3:07PM
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lovehadley

""Sounds as if she is making you the bad guy because she can't face them. If she had to tell them herself she might think twice before breaking her promises."

I think this is a really good idea!

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 5:28PM
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believer

I told my EX that I would not sugar coat his relationship with the kids after we divorced. I told him that it was his responsibility and he would get out of it what he put into it........BREAKING NEWS FLASH!!!!.....my DS16 hasn't spoken to him in over 3 years and DD20 sees him about twice a year. He is reaping what he has sown. Of course he blames them....shocking....right.

I would tell him...."Love is a VERB! An action word. These kids know what love looks like, what it feels like and how to give it. They know when they aren't getting it."....He never listened.

It is painful to watch....I would try and have a plan "B". For your sake as well as theirs and I agree with the others....Let the BM tell her children herself that she is not coming. Eventually they will stop making plans with her.

My SD30 went 7 months without talking to her mom when she was about 9. Her mom moved and didn't give us her new address or phone number.

SD30 would cry to me about her mom. How much she missed her. It was awful. I finally started dialing her moms # and handing SD the phone. Even after hearing her DD crying for her BM didn't change things. My SD30 said once when she was 5..."My mom threw me out just like the garbage." Talk about heartbreaking!

I think I stayed in that marriage for her.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 8:50PM
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annebel

you're so sweet-and i think you said exactly what needed to be said to the nutty ex. i feel for you! maybe instead you shouldn't buy into 'valentine's day' being on the 14th. maybe you and your sweet hubby could do dinner on a night where you both could stay up a little later-that could be romantic, too. plus the restaurants are going to be much less crowded and the movie theaters too...so you guys could make out like teenagers with fewer people watching.

;o) wink, wink!!

just one more thing-the kids at this age (or kids in general) will NEVER understand why their more responsible parent (their dad) and the step-mom choose to protect them from their own mom being a biotch. they're not going to understand...you'll see them cry, you get to be the bad guy then mom shows up to be the hero...you get the MOST THANKLESS JOB EVER!! but the kids will be adults for a lot longer than they'll be kids. and as adults they'll understand (hopefully) why you did what you did. and they'll love and respect you more. i know that eating it SUCKS, big time, but they'll figure it out later and love you more for behaving like the adult. make sure that what you do decide to tell them is truth they can handle and understand. make sure they're old enough. you'll be better off in the long run, and so will they.

happy valentines day...saturday, wednesday, sometime in july, whenever yours happens to be!! xxx

    Bookmark   February 13, 2009 at 2:23AM
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doodleboo

Mom2-

I've said it to you before....I know your pain. Belivers story about the child with the packed suitcase at the window waiting for the car that never arrives perfectly paints the picture. The girls went through it so many times. Mom hardly ever shows up at all anymore. We never tell the girls when she's in town so if she's a no show they never know the difference. We got sick of watching the dissapointment on their faces when the sun was going down and the realization hit them that mom never showed up. They wouldn't give up hope untill we told them it was time for bed.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2009 at 12:59AM
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