New situations unfolding...

mascaraFebruary 11, 2010


My partner and I agreed before Christmas that I would start making an effort with his son and becoming a part of his life again, and he would re arrange his weekends. He discussed our situation with his family and it was decided that instead of every Sunday and every other Saturday, he would have him Friday , Saturday and Sunday one weekend and not the next weekend, so that way he has him for the same amount of time but we get some quality time together. Everyone was happy with this, he discussed it with his ex and she also thought it was a good idea and was happy to go along with the change. This was all due to happen in the new year.

So I stuck to my end of the deal, and I started this by writing a message to his ex. Now, the key part of this is that I asked my partner first if he thought it was a good idea and he was very enthusiastic about it.

Now, despite everything I used to do for this child - pick him up every weekend, take him to the park, take him to dialysis, spend hours playing with him - this woman has never so much as looked at me. I have tried very hard to talk to her, and she will not even acknowledge my exsistance. And for the life of me I cannot understand why. She used my partner to get a baby as she is gay so obviously cannot concieve with her partner, and it was much easier than going through all the medical processes. There was never any love between them. So the way I see it, she has no reason to be jealous other than that there was someone else spending time with her child, but she lives with her girlfriend so that seems hypocritcial to me. So I am stumped as to why she behaves this way towards me.

So anyway, I wont bore you with all the details of the message but the jist of it was that although I think she handles essentially being a single parent to an ill child brilliantly, I would be happy to babysit if she wanted a night out with her partner or something, or that I could take him to dialysis sometimes, just to help out, but if she wasn't comfortable with that then it was fine because we don't know each other very well. I also said that I am very serious about my relationship with my partner, and therefore serious about the relationship I have with his child. And that as we are going to be in each others lives I feel it is important that we can get along for everybodies sake.

She completely ignored me. I told my boyfriend that I was really upset about it, because it was a hard thing for me to do and she completely disregarding my feelings. I would have been completely happy for her to have said "Thanks but no thanks," anything at all, but I just think that nothing at all is incredibly rude.

She spoke to my partner about it, and for some crazy reason, I expected him to be on my side, particularly as he agreed it would be a good thing to do. I didn't expect him to say "Oh my god, you are so rude and inconsiderate!" but just to gently let her know that it had upset me and that it would have been appropriate to respond, even if it was just to say no.

But he said nothing, because he said he didn't want to make her angry. So he is quite happy to upset me but not her. He later turned around to say if the situation had been reversed, he would have done the same as his ex. Obviously this made me really angry. She has a way of making him agree with whatever she says, no matter how unreasonable or wrong it is. And he never stands up to her.

But I started to think, that she is obviously not going to want her child spending time with someone that she thinks will just come into his life and then leave again.

How is she supposed to think our relationship is serious if he does nothing to show her it is?

I said this to him, and he said weeks ago that he would speak to her and just say that she has to accept that I am a part of his, and therefore his childs life, and that she can't just keep treating me like this for no reason. I don't expect or want us to be best friends, I just want her to be civil to me and acknowledge my existance. But he has still said nothing to her, and I now feel I cannot be anywhere near her because it is so tense.

I feel like despite my behaviour in this situation that I am now the only one being an adult, and it is so frustrating.

As you know, the son has kidney failure and my partner was going to donate his kidney. 2 weeks before his first work-up appointment, a kidney comes along, and everything changes. This was just after new years, so I was expecting all the weekends to change, and all of a sudden he's up in London every weekend staying with his ex. Now I'll admit I didn't handle this situation very well to begin with, but it got easier.

I know i previously expressed concerns about his parenting and priorities, but since this happened he has been fantastic, I think that realising how serious everything was shocked him a lot, and he has been spending 100's travelling to London and back every weekend, working Monday to Friday and then being away from home.

His son has started asking after me and asking why I haven't seen him in so long. I feel awful about this, we formed a bond instantly when we did spend time together, he used to even say that he loved me. And at a time like this, I felt I wanted to be at the hospital with them both. But because of how everything is now with the mother I felt I couldn't.

She makes me feel like her, her girlfriend and son are a family, my partner is there as extended family, and I have no part in anything at all.

She made some very unreasonable demands on my partner. If you remember, I said he broke him foot. He had 5 months off work, went back for a week, and then this happened. She got very annoyed that he couldn't be up there 24/7, but he would have lost his job had he done that, and I think he was doing a great job of juggling everything that was going on. He eventually caved to her, booked some days off work unpaid, and ended up spending more on travel to be there than he was earning so is now in debt.

It frustrates me that she thinks she can just click her fingers at him and he will come running, without considering the consequences to his life.

But what frustrates me even more is that he does it.

He will never ever say no to her, no matter how unreasonable she is, and it makes me so angry that she can control him like that.

The operation was successful and he is coming home this weekend and having a welcome home party, which I was not invited to. I literally do not understand what I have done to her to make her behave this way towards me.

I know all the advice before has been that I should get out of this relationship, but I love this man and he loves me, and for as long as we can, we want to make this work.

So my question is, where do we go from here?

How do I fit in with all this now it has got so much more complicated?

And how do I convince him that he doesn't have to give in to his exes every irrational whim?

I'm sorry I have written such an essay, and for anyone who has persevered and read through it all, I'd really appreciate some help.

Thanks =)

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Can you really understand how the boy's mother feels?
About her son?
Her partner?
Her son's father?
And someone in your position? (Not you personally, because it probably isn't personal.)

Until you do, I doubt anything any of us can help.

I hear a lot of "Why can't she understand?"

Right now, with her child so very ill, she's not able to understand much beyond her child's needs and her own.
But if you're around long enough, once she's able to not hyper-focus on her child, she'll be able to consider you and your position. Until then however, you're just a distraction.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 9:42AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well said, Sweeby.

I don't think it's correct line of thinking to say the child's mom ignored the message you sent offering your services. It appears that she did respond to it in the manner she thought was best...she read it, then discussed it with the child's father. It also appears mom is afraid of involving you when you may leave the picture. Very understandable on her part considering your relationship with the father the last few months.

It's been up and down. Just two months ago you yourself admit to being a hair away from ending your relationship. Four months ago you did not know if you wanted a relationship with the child.

With the child just coming home from hospital after a serious undergoing, it is very reasonable that the child stays near his doctors and in the comforts of one home over traveling and jostled around right now. Dad should be going weekends to see the child. Time enough for child to travel after he has become strong and ready for the taxing.

Dad is stuck between working and seeing his sick child, but it is not unreasonable to think dad would be there the time child is undergoing treatments and procedure. I don't think you've told us what job dad has, but at his young age and if he has an education and is building a career, surely dad sees he can get another job. Under the conditions dad is asking off currently, most places of business would be very understable.

And though it my not be agreeable to all who read here, as a mother and a grandmother, I would do all I could to see my son (or daughter)could focus on their sick child and not need to worry over money. I would pay the way, cover his/her bills due to not working, open my home wide to them having to return to the nest...whatever it took. This gentleman is barely a man himself and struggling with a sick child. Where are your boyfriend's parents in helping here? Even if they can or will not, most large cities have assistance for parents with sick children (hotels to stay in free or cheap, bus tickets for traveling expensives at much reduced cost, meals with vouchers...children's hospitals usually have an extensive support group)

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 11:14AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Mascara, a mother of a very ill child (last year my son then 6 had an aggressive cancer and was in major treatment for it) I can tell you that it is not as simple as "jealousy." The fact that the ex is gay, lives with her GF and so on is really irrelevant to all of this. She is a mom, looking out for her sick child and she wants the father to help out a lot, not you. The theory that it's because you may or not continue to be in his life long term makes some sense but I don't think that's what is behind what's happening. They are family, you are not. Although they never married, they have a child together and that makes them family. People like that don't pat you on the back because you take their kid to dialysis, run around for them, give and so on. They take that for granted, like a rite of passage for you, even look at it cynically.

It's clear that BM is circling the wagons, leaving you out and your BF is going along with it. I think he is doing that because his hands are full with work, travel and a very ill child. Although it's easy to say, don't take it personally.

However, as a parent with a really ill child, I know I welcomed ANY AND ALL help. If DH's ex had offered any assistance I would have accepted it gratefully. So if you have offered help and she has refused it or gone around you to BF, yes, she is disrespecting you. He is allowing her disrespect and therefore encouraging it. Heed their message, this is their child, they want to handle him without you.

Where does it leave you? Well, BF probably needs your relationship to be as easy for himself as possible. He really does have a lot going on. I think he is saying by backing up his ex that he will not "take your side" since they are the team as it relates to their very sick kid. He probably wants you to understand or at least accept things this way because it's better for him!

It's unlikely that the mother is going to be substantially nicer to you, as Sweeby pointed out, to her you are a distraction. She sees you as an interloper and you are siphoning resources e.g. BF's time, money, focus and attention. That's why you are not invited to the party. Trust me, under those circumstances you probably wouldn't have a good time there anyway.

Scale back on what you are doing or offering to do for them. Take things as light and easy as you can for yourself and your BF. Have some compassion for the mom, she is not thinking about you personally at all. Also, real compassion for the dad, your BF. You are being put in the back seat, yes, but look at why. If you really love each other, when this situation passes, hopefully well, you will move on together. Be difficult now and no matter what happens your relationship will suffer greatly. Nothing and no one trumps a very ill child.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 1:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"He is allowing her disrespect and therefore encouraging it. Heed their message, this is their child, they want to handle him without you. "

But I know this isn't true. He has told me many times that he wishes I could be there and that he wants my support in person when this is going on.
He will just never ever tell her that.

And with regards to me siphoning his time etc, I understand where you are coming from, but how can she have a child with a 16 year old then expect him to never have a serious relationship?
If she feels this way about me how will she react if we have our own children?

And I know you say this isn't a personal thing and its because they have a lot to deal with, but the transplant was in January and she has treated me like this since we met over a year ago.

She doesn't see my partner as her family.
Her family are her, her partner and her son.

She also has no idea about what has happened in our relationship either. I don't think our relationship has suffered at all because of this. It was hard to start with but we are doing better than ever now, and I have so much more respect for him seeing how he has been the last few weeks.

I am ready to fit myself back into this childs life when it is the right time to do so, but I feel so uncomfortable now having anything to do with her.

Like I said, I don't expect us to be best friends.
But I really don't feel like I am being the unreasonable one just asking her to be civil to me.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 2:07PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am not sure what the background of all this is...

What I see is that this woman's child is very ill and both she and dad are trying to do what possible. You are just dad's girlfriend, i don't see why she is obligated to accept or ask for your help. you are here today gone tomorrow, why does she or anyone else have to make an effort to include you?

You are the least person she needs to worry about, her focus is on her child and his well-being. of course whne he feels better it might change.

I understand you feel left out and it bothers you, it would bother me too, but it is nothing you can do.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 2:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Why should I not be included if her partner is? They have only been together 6 months or so longer than me and my boyfriend.
He wouldn't dream of treating her partner this way and he never objects to her involvement, so why should she be like this to me?

What rights does her partner have that I don't?

I never said she was obligated to accept my help. I said I would have been quite happy for her to say no, but just to acknowledge that I had put it out there would have been fine. It's just basic common courtesy.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 3:05PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

mascara, maybe I'm wrong that your BF doesn't want your help. I do think that the ex is "circling the wagons." Maybe she sees her relationship with her partner as more permanent, substantial...? Or it may just be that that is her partner and you are a gf that she doesn't acknowledge, who knows? Either way it really looks like she only wants your BF involved.

I'm very sensitive to issues around courtesy so take my comments with a pound of salt. I still say, don't take it personally, they are focused on their child not your feelings in this. Not that they shouldn't care, it's just their kid is sick and that's where their focus lies. It's not about you.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 4:56PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You sound like a teenager.

Sorry to be so blunt about it, but there it is...

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 6:29PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

she and her partner live together with her child, so of course there is no way to not include her partner. you on the other side do not live with the child and only see him every other weekend so it is not comparable. she can only judge permanency of her own relationship, she cannot judge how permanent you and her ex are. she has no obligations towards you, her obligations are for her child.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 8:05PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"I am 19, and my partner is 23.
I am really struggling with dealing with him having a child.
He is a lovely kid, but I have slowly grown to hate him. I don't want to see him because I don't want him to pick up on this.
I don't hate HIM just the idea of him. I hate that my partner has a child with another woman.
I have never and would never ask him to stop seeing his son, however, I have asked him to cut it back to every other weekend, so we can spend more time together.
I've tried explaining that the problem is that he ignores me when we're together and he says that he's a child so needs all his attention.
I always wanted to have my first child and make it a shared experience. I am concerned that my partners son will always come before our own children if we decide to have them one day.
But I now resent his child - and him a little bit - so much that I'm scared my feelings are too deep rooted to change."

In October you hated this child demanding his father to cut his time with his own son, resented his existence but in February you demand that his mother gives you some special attention and include you. i bet you mom knows your attitude and guards her child from you. it explains why you are not allowed around this child. I would not want anyone who hates and resents my child around her. Now it explains why her partner is included: she clearly does not hate or resent him.

Awful. you sound immature and selfish and the best you can do is leave now for the sake of this child. how with this attitude you expect to be treated like a family.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 8:17PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

you don't even live together. so you are just dating a guy, yet you want to be treated like a family, this is very naive. it would be naive even if you would not resent him and his child. i think since you've been in abusive relationships you have a tendency to be clingy, you need counseling.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2010 at 9:06PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have already said that I didn't handle this well before.
And I never DEMANDED he spend less time with him, if you continued reading, he actually agreed to spend less time with him and I said I was wrong for asking and told him not to.

She does not disallow me to see him, she knows we get on great and that I treat him wonderfully when we are together. I was never "not allowed" to be up at the hospital, I chose not to be because I didn't want to associate with her after she was so rude to me.

And I appreciate the points about she doesn't want me involved because her child is ill and because I haven't been for a while, but for months I picked her son up every weekend, took him every where he wanted to go, played with him for hours, bought him things, and she has treated me like crap since the day we met.

So before you all start saying I deserve it, I am really trying now, and you tell me what the hell I did to deserve her being like this to me before. I did absolutely nothing wrong. I took him to hospital on days she couldn't. I played with him in the cold when his dad couldn't be bothered. I did everything I could for that little boy, and I have never so much as got a hello from her.
Everything I have said in this post is recent, it has all happened in the last 2 months, so there are no examples as to why she has treated me like this for over a year.

Why do I sound like a teenager? For starters I am a teenager, and I have admitted that in the past I didn't handle this very well and I was selfish.

But I don't understand now how making an effort to get involved with his life again and being upset about not being shown an ounce of respect from day one makes me childish.

I am not clingy. I have been seeing him for half the week and he has been in London the other half. Never once have I demanded to be there with him or say he shouldn't go. All I've asked from him is since I can't/wont be there that he keeps me in the loop.

He has been sleeping in the same room as him ex and the child they have together every weekend and I have never insisted I be there.
How does me trying to get involved in that part of his life again make me clingy?

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 5:18AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Okay, I'm going to break this down to as bare bones as (I think) I can make it.

If you want to do things for the boy--then do things for the boy and let the rest go. It's obvious that you're not going to get a pat on the head or any acknowledgment from his mother, but so what? If it's the right thing to do for the boy, isn't that it's own reward?

You're not family--nor is it likely you will ever be a part of HER family. You will likely not get affirmation or approval from her--ever. Seems to me that you have to let this go if you want to continue the relationship with the child.

If you can't get over that, then I suggest that you cut bait...

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 5:42AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

--He has been sleeping in the same room as him ex and the child they have together every weekend and I have never insisted I be there.
How does me trying to get involved in that part of his life again make me clingy?"--

Mascara, as the child has been hospitalized, this would have taken place in that setting. A very sick child going through a serious process was watched over through the night by his mother and father. Exactly as it should be. You did not belong in that room overnight, nor for that matter would mother's partner. Fine for either of you to visit during the day if everyone acted civil or to pop in to give them a coffee break and then on your way.

You say you could have visited but chose not to. If you had wanted to visit the child for a short time say one brief visit one day each weekend, there was nothing stopping you--you say the child even asked about you. The reason you did not is cause you can't move past not being treated as an equal player in this and you say the mom is not overly acknowledging of you.

There is no need for you to be included at the hospital bedside of this child. A short visit and then off on your way or a couple phones calls to you from boyfriend on updates should be enough to make you feel 'in the loop'. To give your boyfriend 'support' in this, a listening ear on the cell showing a true interest in what BF is going through and concern for the child is pretty much all required while the child is hospitalized for weeks along with the occassional drop by (which you yourself chose not to do).

You did not want to go visit as you feel mom was disrespectful to you (she did not answer your message or she did not give you big hugs cause you play with her son on dad time)... reality says you two do not have to be buddies, she does not have to like you (again not personal, you could be any woman dating dad) all she needs to do is be civil and you have not stated anything that gives she has actually been mean to you or said rotten things of you...she just ignores you, she tolerates you prior to the child's hospitalization (aka you taking child to treatments, you buying him things, taking him places during dad's time), and she didn't ban you from hospital short visits.

You've sent mixed messages to the boy now. You've said 1.'hey, I'm a great daddy's girlfriend and I'm ready to fit myself back into your life, forget I didn't want you to exist a few months ago..." and 2. 'oh, wait, your mom is not patting me on the head and acknowedging how great I think I am or letting me be there as a co-parent 24/7 so I can't come up and be around her therefore nuts to you little one, I won't be there for you during this at all'.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 8:10AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It's not possible for me to "pop in for a visit".

London is miles away from where I live.
I have been speaking to my partner on the phone and finding out what is going on.

I already said I don't expect to be nor want to be friends with her - I personally can't stand her, but I still try and speak to her when we are in a situation together, I still try and greet her when we see each other.

Being civil to me doesn't mean not saying horrible things, it means saying hello when I am there, asking how he has been at the weekend etc. She has never so much as said hello to me, even when I have been in her house.

Her partner has been there solidly for 6 weeks, and my boyfriend has never objected to this. She is there not just for the child but as moral support for the mother.

I either had to go up over the weekend or not at all, it takes hours for me to get to London.
I didn't go up because despite how much my partner and his son wanted me there, she didn't. Now I don't think that is fair.
My boyfriend didn't want her partner there all the time either but he had no say in the matter at all.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 9:15AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm going to put this into structural terms:

There are Parents --
Pseudo-Parents (ex. step-parents, custodial parent's live-ins -- people who play critical support roles in the lives of the bio parents and child. These folks are invested in the children and should be lifetime players in the children's lives.)
and Teenage Babysitter folks (Helpful people who run errands, bring toys, watch the kid while the parents crash. They can be wonderful people, much loved. Lifesavers even. But they come and go.)

Mom considers you a 'Teenage Babysitter' person.
You want full 'Pseudo-Parent' status. (Now - recently)
Dad hasn't taken a firm and public position about your role.

Bottom line, you can't 'move up' to Pseudo-Parent status until Dad insists on it and Mom allows it.

Next key point:

You can make a relationship last.
But that's not the same thing as making it work.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 9:53AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I must ask, Mascara. If it is hours away, and apparently a hassle and lots of effort for you to get to London, why would you expect the mom to take your message of offering to take child to treatments and/or babysit for an evening out seriously?

Fair? This is not about being 'fair', this is about a small child who is sick and six weeks in the hospital. Fair would be the child not being sick at all and life being normal. Fair would be child going back and forth as a healthy child and visiting both mom and dad.

This is your life and your relationship but seriously, do you really think you'd be helping anyone including the child if boyfriend insisted you his girlfriend must come for the weekend duration? Must be at hospital the entire time? Must have friendly cozy coffee breaks with mom and her partner? Is it 'fair' to the child to have a stressful situation present during his stay in hospital? Is it 'fair' to mom to have someone she does not want under her feet during her child's illness present at all times just cause dad's girlfriend thinks things should be 'fair'.

You're not seperating feelings and reality here, Mascara. Okay, yeah, it bites your buns you feel you're being left out. It annoys you that mom's partner is wanted in the room by mom and you're not. It hurts you that mom does not bother to say 'hi' to you.

Frankly, Mascara, if it was me, I would take the train/bus to London on a Friday night with boyfriend, pop in on the child mid Saturday morning for a brief visit, take him a gift, play a game or something with him, kiss him goodbye, go get lunch and get myself back on the train/bus and be on my way back home. It would not bother me if mom did not speak, I did not travel to see her. It would matter to me more that I made the effort to see the child asking after me, that I swallowed my view of 'fair' and I did what I felt best for the child and the actual parents.

But then, that's me. You have to deal with this in the matter that you think works for you. But putting pressure to be accepted or the appearance of being accepted and adding extra stress and unneeded attention to you, you, you, you, you, I don't see how is a measure to support the boyfriend or child during a difficult time in their life.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 9:54AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Mascara... you seem to have all the answers to your "questions" ... no need to keep repeating yourself.

We get it ... you want to be there same as her GF but are not getting it .... so you keep asking us over and over again what to do.

Guess what ... mom and mom's gf don't want some perky 19yo around trying to "help" if she wants your help she will ask for it until then stay out of her way.... you will never be accepted thats a matter of fact statement .... some SM's who care for the kids 24/7 do not get any praise what makes you think as someone who sees a child a couple times a month deserves to be first on the list ... its not going to happen ....

Mother cub mentality ... protecting her own .... hers dads and her gf are the childs family you are just dads gf and now you will compare being around as much as the gf but you are not the gf is with the child the 26 days a month you and your bf are not! She has a little more input than you do and sadly the childs father as she is around more than he is ...after all he chose to spend time with you over time with his kid !!!!

So unless you are willing to just be there to support your bf with his relationship with his kid and his ex and her gf ..... make a decision but don't defend your stance here ... frankly most of us have kids your age and would be weary of any stepfamily relationship nevermind one as complicated as the one you are so he!! bent on staying involved in ....

Have a great weekend!

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 9:55AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


I get it that you want and have offered to be more involved. You feel slighted by BM and I think you have been. Just accept, she doesn't care about you or your feelings, you are a distraction for her sick child's father. That's all.

In my past, I ran around with my DH's grandson, picking him up, taking him places e.g zoo, movies, beach, Disneyland, therapist, swimming, sleepovers and just plain babysitting. I was married and thought I was family. WRONG! I NEVER got any recognition or appreciation from BM for that, in fact she really didn't like it as it turned out. She felt I was overstepping my place in things (see Sweeby's definitions on roles I think she did a great job with the cold facts.) I have since stopped doing that after having my feelings seriously hurt.

Mascara, it's hurtful. People have strong emotions about people they consider outsiders being involved with their kids. The mom sees you as an outsider. Especially now that her child is so sick.

justmetoo is right, when my son was really ill, in the hospital my DH and/or I stayed in the same room with him 24/7. At home, because he had to be monitored the same thing happened. I can understand feeling uncomfortable with your BF sleeping in same room with his ex, gay or not. BF should have explained why they were doing it. This is another, don't take it personally and don't be threatened, they are doing it for their sick child.

BTW, I'm a lot older than 19 and I had my feelings hurt in this area too. The best advice again, try not to take it personally. Accept that there is something bigger than your relationship going on with your BF and his ex.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 10:35AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"Frankly, Mascara, if it was me, I would take the train/bus to London on a Friday night with boyfriend, pop in on the child mid Saturday morning for a brief visit, take him a gift, play a game or something with him, kiss him goodbye, go get lunch and get myself back on the train/bus and be on my way back home. It would not bother me if mom did not speak, I did not travel to see her. It would matter to me more that I made the effort to see the child asking after me, that I swallowed my view of 'fair' and I did what I felt best for the child and the actual parents."


Wanted to say that this is good advice dear. And the more consistently you do it, the more respect you'll get from the mom. As well as the child and your partner.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 11:38AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sounds like your issue is with your boyfriend, not with BM. First he encouraged you to write the letter (which I don't think was a good plan) then he backpedaled. You are creating more drama than necessary. She didn't react how you wanted. She acted without grace. Well, honestly, I think you did too. It was presumptuous and graceless to expect a mother of a very ill child to take one minute of her day to respond to your self-indulgent letter. Not that you didn't mean well. It's just inappropriate. You "made an agreement" with your BF to become more involved starting Jan. 1. So it's been a month? I know that can seem like a long time when you're 19, but it's really not. I don't have a sick child and I doubt I'd take my ex's gf up on an offer to take my dd off my hands for a night so I could go out. Mothers are weird like that. We want to do EVERYTHING for our children.

No offense. You're young. She's probably half out of her mind with worry and grief. Your BF is probably so spun around by this whole thing he can't see straight.

If I were you, I'd look long and hard at my motivation, intention. If you are not 100% dedicated to being a positive influence in this child's life FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE you need to walk away now. And you are support services. You are not the driver. If you can't play third or fourth fiddle in this family drama you need to get off the stage.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 12:13PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"I must ask, Mascara. If it is hours away, and apparently a hassle and lots of effort for you to get to London, why would you expect the mom to take your message of offering to take child to treatments and/or babysit for an evening out seriously?"

To answer this, as I said before I offered this before the transplant. She only lives 5 minutes from me, they are only in London at the moment because it is one of the only hospitals in England with transplant facilities.

"Mom considers you a 'Teenage Babysitter' person.
You want full 'Pseudo-Parent' status. (Now - recently)
Dad hasn't taken a firm and public position about your role.

Bottom line, you can't 'move up' to Pseudo-Parent status until Dad insists on it and Mom allows it."

This is what upsets me the most. Firstly, when she was my age she already had a 2 year old child with a young boy she practically forced into conceiving with her just so she could have a baby. Yes I know he had his own mind but he wont say boo to a goose and he has never been able to stand up to her. She then moved, stopped him from seeing his child and only spoke to him over the next two years to throw abuse and obcenities at him. Suddenly, she realises her son will not get a kidney through waiting on the list so conveniently decideds that daddy needs to be a part of his life again, "oh and by the way I need your kidney."
Now I admit that I have been selfish and I have been immature at times. But I have never ever ever been that selfish, so what right does she have to judge me by my age when this was how she was behaving at my age?

I have already said to him that she wont want me playing a part in his life if she doesn't think I'll be in it for long, so he needs to talk to her and make her understand that this is something we are in for the long run, and all I get is, "I didn't have a chance," "I'll get round to it" etc etc.

Now as I said, he is a bit of a pushover, but he has no trouble saying what he thinks to anyone else but her, he just gets so pathetic around her.
And if he does ever say no to her - for example, she has asked him to last minute come over and babysit and he has a prior engagement - she has a very clever way of manipulating him by making him feel guilty that he missed the first part of his life when it was her that cut him out.
He says that he doesn't want any conflict with her because she stopped him seeing his son once and he thinks she will do it again. Now no matter what I think of her as a person, she is a wonderful mother. She raised him from birth on her own and he is one of the most kind and polite children I have met. She would never again stop him from seeing his dad because she knows they love each other and she knows it would come back to her in the end. I also explained to him that she has no grounds to do this on anyway so if it did come to that he could get a solicitor. But he hates confrontation, so our relationship ends up with the conflict because he refuses to have any conflict with her, no matter what the situation.

I feel like I've now done everything I can to make this better and it keeps getting worse, I literally feel like I'm trying my best and I cannot do anything right.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 12:21PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"so what right does she have to judge me by my age when this was how she was behaving at my age?"

Maybe that's exaclty why she is judgeing you this way. She figures that at 19, you're about as mature as she was at 19 (not very) -- and is treating you accordingly.

"I feel like I've now done everything I can to make this better and it keeps getting worse, I literally feel like I'm trying my best and I cannot do anything right."

This is exactly what the older ladies on this forum are trying to tell you --
NOT that you're doing everything wrong - you're not.
Just that this SITUATION puts you in a position where you're set up to fail.
It's not a matter of "What can you do better?"
This situation is a 'no win' for you -- no matter WHAT you do.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 1:06PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm starting to realise that now.

I'm only 19, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I'm trying my best.
I genuinly thought I was doing a nice thing, I didn't mean anything by it, and it came right back in my face.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 1:38PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


I think you are being treated poorly. But, right now, that's the best this woman is going to do for you. You are doing your best, not just you're best at 19 but your best in a difficult situation with a partner with a child sharing responsibility with an ex. A sick child. Your partner as you call him, here in the US we call him a BF, in light of what you are writing he doesn't sound like what we consider a "partner." He has a lot of responsibility for what's happening right now too.

Let the situation go, it's really not your problem. Not in a mean way, in fact, be glad that it's not. Ask your mother if she is still with you. You are young but so is your partner/Bf at 23. My guess is that the mom is right where you are in age. Stop evaluating her by yourself, she's the one with the kid. Read some of the other threads here, they are chockful of stories about women and men who should never had kids with their partners or accepted the stepkids. If the kid develops a major illness everyone is in a new ball game. Or soccer match or whatever the English equivalent would be.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 2:17PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Mascara, YOU have been doing the right thing but not without consequence and a very nice thing given the circumstances. Stepkids(or as in your case, potential SKs) are a challenge, hence this board. More than one of us have been threatened by them generally.

It all may be flying back in your face but not because you are wrong in your intentions, just your understanding of the situational dynamics. I had a very ill child and if I were BM I would have LOVED to have anyone step up this way. So few do. And frankly, those who haven't been there either way at all just don't know, here or anywhere else.

I think you are doing WAY more than most 19 year olds would try under such tough circumstances. In fact, way more than most regardless of age. Been there, done that. Let it all go though. Listen to Sweeby and Justmetoo.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 2:46PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Mascara, I'm going to give you the same speech I give my custodial 15 year old SD about her grades and trust. Each term she brings home less than stellar grades and suffers a consequence, and we know this is because of a lack of effort and care, not of intellect. She will SWEAR she will improve and get angry when we say actions speak louder than words and accuse us of not believing in her.
Our response is always the same: We base our beliefs off her past actions. Until we have seen the improvement come and STAY for an extended period of time the consequence won't be lifted and our feelings won't change.

What I'm trying to say is, maybe your partner isn't ready to have 'the talk' with his ex because he isn't ready to stand behind you and swear you are in this for the long haul. Just a few months ago you were telling him to limit his time with his sick child to spend time with you. Now you want him to tell the sick child's mom you are there to support them through the hard times. Perhaps he needs to really see you go out of your way, put your feelings second to those of his child and show your support. Don't let a 'lack of respect' from mom or an 'uncomfortable feeling' of being around her stop you. Hell, had I don't that I would have NEVER seen my SD! :) If you want to be a respected part of a happy blended family and can't become fully invested until you are, leave. It won't likely happen. If you want to have a special place in the life of a sick little boy who misses you, get on the train. To break it down, put up or shut up.

As a side note, my SD's mom does not respect me, like me, or currently speak to me. She's done everything in her power and beyond to make her daughter hate me. But her daughter loves me to pieces and calls me her 'real mom'. She hasn't spent more than two hours with her bio-mom in two months.
Respect from mom is not necessary to have love from the child.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 11:33PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My daughter is 19 and I would tell her to go find herself a nice guy that has no kids or baggage. You are too young to hope to spend the rest of your life with someone that is attached to someone that seems to make you miserable and causing problems...

It's possible that she may come around and view you as more permanent if your relationship survives or progresses... but more likely this is what you have to look forward to for a very long time. Do you really want to bring children into such a dramatic situation? Sometimes, once the ex dislikes/hates you, there is little chance of recovering from that.... it would probably take a lot of work from YOU. Don't expect her to make the first move... or the second.. or third.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2010 at 1:33AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have already said to him that she wont want me playing a part in his life if she doesn't think I'll be in it for long, so he needs to talk to her and make her understand that this is something we are in for the long run, and all I get is, "I didn't have a chance," "I'll get round to it" etc etc.

In case you are feeling resentful towards your BF about his continuing failure to speak to the BM about your status as a permanent part of his life, remember, as many here have already pointed out, that he has a child with a life threatening illness who might have died a few weeks ago and who still has a long period of fragile health to deal with before he is well. And this child may always seem delicate or extra precious to both his parents because they almost lost him.

Be aware that if you stay with him and have children with him, there will be times throughout your life that you will find yourself thinking he is putting his son ahead of your children together and that will probably be true to some degree. Know that now and be prepared to let it go.

Do not continue with this man if you will resent him or the child for this very common and natural experience. If it happens, notice it and be glad that your children do not have life threatening illnesses as that would be the only way to get equal billing with a child who came this close to death.

Good luck. It sounds like a tough situation for anyone to deal with, but, if you choose to stay with him, don't expect it to be anything other than what it is. Go in with your eyes open and knowing that no one ever promised you that your understanding of how things "should" be is the right or only one. This BM will always be in your life if you stay with this man and she will always be exactly as she is, doing what she thinks is right for her own reasons most of which you will never understand. It is quite likely she will always seem abrupt or rude to you. Maybe she means to be, maybe she doesn't, but either way, you have to be able to get past it or you will spend your life torturing yourself about why she does what she does. Who cares? She is how she is.

Do what you believe to be right and don't get caught up in trying to change how others behave. It never works. If it is right to go see the child in hospital, go. If, as others pointed out, it might make it harder for him if she is uncomfortable having you around, then don't.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2010 at 8:54PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Honey, your bigger problem is with your BF, not the BM. If your relationship with him were more important to him than conflict with the BM, he would be standing up to her and not equivocating so much. Clearly it isn't.
If you were my daughter I'd be suggesting you find someone with a little more spine and a lot less baggage, I don't think this is ever going to be the ideal relationship. There have to be better prospects for you out there.
It's hard cutting loose when you've invested all this time and effort so far but unless you want the rest of your life to be more of the same it's time to stop.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2010 at 11:18PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

mascara the reason he is not telling his ex that you and him are in this for a long run because he is not sure about it, probably does not believe it and does not know what to do about it. otherwise things would be different. you are 19, what makes you think he is in this for a long run? you guys are just dating and at 19 it feels like love of your life but it is not, no matter how much you want to believe in a fairy tale. you'll date number of men before you find the right one, so this obsession with him is pointless. move on. it isn't working.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 6:36PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
My SO suggested that I share a bed with his 11 year-old son!
For the last 3 years, I've been in a relationship with...
Venting and disengaging
Since the horrible experience of my step daughter's...
To visit or not to visit
About three years ago, after many instances of being...
Too much?? advice please
Hi. I am a Mum of 2- one being a step child, I am 27...
Step Son Help
Hi, Im Rowdy and have been married for 11 years now....
Sponsored Products
Tough-1 600D Polar Turnout Blanket - 32-2010-10-78
$84.99 | Hayneedle
Hand-tufted Brown/White Zebra Animal Print Lipscombe Wool Rug (2' x 3')
Travel Frame
$62.00 | Horchow
Eggshell Box Pleat Silk Shade 6x10x7 (Spider)
Lamps Plus
Stealth´┐Ż Brushed Nickel LED 54-Inch Ceiling Fan with Platinum Blade
$519.00 | Bellacor
56" Modern Fan Gusto White Ceiling Fan with Light Kit
Euro Style Lighting
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™