New situations unfolding...
My partner and I agreed before Christmas that I would start making an effort with his son and becoming a part of his life again, and he would re arrange his weekends. He discussed our situation with his family and it was decided that instead of every Sunday and every other Saturday, he would have him Friday , Saturday and Sunday one weekend and not the next weekend, so that way he has him for the same amount of time but we get some quality time together. Everyone was happy with this, he discussed it with his ex and she also thought it was a good idea and was happy to go along with the change. This was all due to happen in the new year.
So I stuck to my end of the deal, and I started this by writing a message to his ex. Now, the key part of this is that I asked my partner first if he thought it was a good idea and he was very enthusiastic about it.
Now, despite everything I used to do for this child - pick him up every weekend, take him to the park, take him to dialysis, spend hours playing with him - this woman has never so much as looked at me. I have tried very hard to talk to her, and she will not even acknowledge my exsistance. And for the life of me I cannot understand why. She used my partner to get a baby as she is gay so obviously cannot concieve with her partner, and it was much easier than going through all the medical processes. There was never any love between them. So the way I see it, she has no reason to be jealous other than that there was someone else spending time with her child, but she lives with her girlfriend so that seems hypocritcial to me. So I am stumped as to why she behaves this way towards me.
So anyway, I wont bore you with all the details of the message but the jist of it was that although I think she handles essentially being a single parent to an ill child brilliantly, I would be happy to babysit if she wanted a night out with her partner or something, or that I could take him to dialysis sometimes, just to help out, but if she wasn't comfortable with that then it was fine because we don't know each other very well. I also said that I am very serious about my relationship with my partner, and therefore serious about the relationship I have with his child. And that as we are going to be in each others lives I feel it is important that we can get along for everybodies sake.
She completely ignored me. I told my boyfriend that I was really upset about it, because it was a hard thing for me to do and she completely disregarding my feelings. I would have been completely happy for her to have said "Thanks but no thanks," anything at all, but I just think that nothing at all is incredibly rude.
She spoke to my partner about it, and for some crazy reason, I expected him to be on my side, particularly as he agreed it would be a good thing to do. I didn't expect him to say "Oh my god, you are so rude and inconsiderate!" but just to gently let her know that it had upset me and that it would have been appropriate to respond, even if it was just to say no.
But he said nothing, because he said he didn't want to make her angry. So he is quite happy to upset me but not her. He later turned around to say if the situation had been reversed, he would have done the same as his ex. Obviously this made me really angry. She has a way of making him agree with whatever she says, no matter how unreasonable or wrong it is. And he never stands up to her.
But I started to think, that she is obviously not going to want her child spending time with someone that she thinks will just come into his life and then leave again.
How is she supposed to think our relationship is serious if he does nothing to show her it is?
I said this to him, and he said weeks ago that he would speak to her and just say that she has to accept that I am a part of his, and therefore his childs life, and that she can't just keep treating me like this for no reason. I don't expect or want us to be best friends, I just want her to be civil to me and acknowledge my existance. But he has still said nothing to her, and I now feel I cannot be anywhere near her because it is so tense.
I feel like despite my behaviour in this situation that I am now the only one being an adult, and it is so frustrating.
As you know, the son has kidney failure and my partner was going to donate his kidney. 2 weeks before his first work-up appointment, a kidney comes along, and everything changes. This was just after new years, so I was expecting all the weekends to change, and all of a sudden he's up in London every weekend staying with his ex. Now I'll admit I didn't handle this situation very well to begin with, but it got easier.
I know i previously expressed concerns about his parenting and priorities, but since this happened he has been fantastic, I think that realising how serious everything was shocked him a lot, and he has been spending 100's travelling to London and back every weekend, working Monday to Friday and then being away from home.
His son has started asking after me and asking why I haven't seen him in so long. I feel awful about this, we formed a bond instantly when we did spend time together, he used to even say that he loved me. And at a time like this, I felt I wanted to be at the hospital with them both. But because of how everything is now with the mother I felt I couldn't.
She makes me feel like her, her girlfriend and son are a family, my partner is there as extended family, and I have no part in anything at all.
She made some very unreasonable demands on my partner. If you remember, I said he broke him foot. He had 5 months off work, went back for a week, and then this happened. She got very annoyed that he couldn't be up there 24/7, but he would have lost his job had he done that, and I think he was doing a great job of juggling everything that was going on. He eventually caved to her, booked some days off work unpaid, and ended up spending more on travel to be there than he was earning so is now in debt.
It frustrates me that she thinks she can just click her fingers at him and he will come running, without considering the consequences to his life.
But what frustrates me even more is that he does it.
He will never ever say no to her, no matter how unreasonable she is, and it makes me so angry that she can control him like that.
The operation was successful and he is coming home this weekend and having a welcome home party, which I was not invited to. I literally do not understand what I have done to her to make her behave this way towards me.
I know all the advice before has been that I should get out of this relationship, but I love this man and he loves me, and for as long as we can, we want to make this work.
So my question is, where do we go from here?
How do I fit in with all this now it has got so much more complicated?
And how do I convince him that he doesn't have to give in to his exes every irrational whim?
I'm sorry I have written such an essay, and for anyone who has persevered and read through it all, I'd really appreciate some help.