How Long do I Give Him?

mom2_1sm2_1February 13, 2009

My boyfriend, who my son and I have been living with for a year and a half, thinks that my son, who is disabled, should be an angel like his healthy daughter was as a toddler - I confirmed with her mother that she was a good toddler. My boyfriend is short fused when it comes to my son crying at night and hitting his daughter. I tried to explain to him that this is a fase that most two year olds go through.

Anyway, to make a long story short, he don't have as much patients with my son as he does with his daughter and really has not done much to bond with my son, then wonders why he screams when he picks hum up. I talk to him about the situation, but I am not sure how long I should give him before we leave. I have been in the situation where I was unliked by my stepmother and I don't want my son to go through that too.

Also, what can I do to help my boyfriend bond with my son and maybe just one day love him?

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A year and a half is a long time for him not to have bonded at all with your son. My daughter also has disabilities and as soon as I met my husband I explained all that was involved with taking care of her. She doesn't have any behavioral issues but she needs a lot of help with her every day needs i.e. feeding, medicines, ect. My husband was accepting of these tasks and he knew what he was getting into. Have you and your boyfriend sat down and talked about your son's issues? Have you taken your boyfriend with you and your son to a doctor's appointment so he can get a clearer picture of what life will be like in the future? If he doesn't understand that your son isn't the same as his daughter and won't be the same then you two will have many problems down the road. My daughter is 12 now and I never knew exactly how life would be with her having a disability. It is hard to handle at times and it takes special people to love someone who is so dependent on them. I think you need to find out if it is just too much for him to handle because maybe that is why he hasn't been able to bond with him. I hope things work out for you!!

    Bookmark   February 13, 2009 at 9:16AM
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I think you need to have a real heart to heart with your boyfriend about your son's disability, and if he believes that he will ever be able to care about and love this child. Some people are never able to get past the disability. If that is the case, and you knew now that he was incapable of caring for your son, would that help make the decision easier for you?

I do not know what your son's disability is, or how severe it is, or how much it impacts his life. I do not know whether your son has the ability to control his behavior. (After all, he is only two, and I have known two year old's who hit, (or have a lot of temper tantrums) who do not have disabilities.

For me, if I were in your shoes, I would need to understand whether this BF has that special kind heart to be able to love and parent a child with disabilities. Because parenting is a journey in itself, a long journey, and I would want to know that the person walking this journey by my side loved us both. Because your beautiful son will be a part of your life forever. And you want the person you marry to be committed to both of you, as a family unit. Otherwise, I would fear he would always resent the child. And perhaps that takes time to know. Or maybe it is as simple as you either have that special kind of heart, or you don't. Some men have a harder time with babies and toddlers, and the crying and fussing. And do better with children a bit older. I think a heart to heart with your boyfriend will help you to know whether he thinks he is the right guy for you and your beautiful child. Can he see himself ever loving and caring for your beautiful son? And it may not be just the disability. Many step parent's NEVER bond or love (or even like) even the normal step child (as you experienced yourself). In fact, there are many step parent's that actually despise the step children. What an awful situation for any child to grow up in. They deserve better. Much better.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2009 at 9:55AM
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Thank you for the helpful advice. I had a heart to heart with myboyfrined and together we discovered why he had a wall up from bonding completely with my son. My boyfriend has been burned in the past from girlfriends who only used him to get onto thier feet. I can understand how that would get his gaurd up, but I pointed out to him that that was not my motive. I take good care of him and love his daughter to no end. If it was my motive why would I want to have a positive relationship with his daughter, let alone do the little things to make him happy.
I know we have a long way to go, but I feel very optimistic. Thanks again for your help!

    Bookmark   February 14, 2009 at 1:52PM
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