Problems with Stepmother

LarajaiaFebruary 13, 2013

My dad died recently and his wife of 15 years told me she had helped him clear out our family home when he sold it. My mother had died about 2 1/2 yrs before and her clothes still hung in the wardrobe. I thought my dad would ask me to help as I was looking forward to it as a way of saying a final goodbye to her. Dad didn't ask me so I assumed my brother had helped him. Dad never mentioned it again but for some reason, my stepmum chose to tell me after he died. She actually told me twice, as though to make sure I'd heard it. This wasn't the first time that, in my view, she overstepped her boundaries. I was pregnant with my 2nd child and asked if they would look after our 3 year old while I was giving birth. Stepmum said it depended when it was because they had planned a weekend away! Anyway, while I was in hospital, she cut my daughter's hair! I tried to talk to my Dad about it but he refused so, with hormones raging, I sent a furious email, which I regret, because we didn't see them for a year. I literally had to grovel so my kids could see their Grandad again. We saw them frequently over the next couple of years and I was happy for the kids to call her nanny as she has no grandkids of her own. We've fallen out again now, over the will which I won't go into, so I wrote to her, telling her she'd hurt me, as above, but now my whole family thinks I'm just being spiteful. Am I right to feel hurt that she cleared out my mum's things and cut my daughter's hair? Would anyone else think that was out of order?

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Yes, she was wrong to get your daughter's hair cut without asking you, but WHY didn't you speak up and TELL your dad you wanted to clear out your mom's things? You can't expect people to read your mind.

And while it would be nice, your parents are not obligated to watch your 3 year old when you give birth.

And now the two of you have an issue over your dad's will. It sounds like you are transferring your hurt over what happened with your mom's things to other issues. Since you don't want to go into details about what the problem with your dad's will is, it's hard to give advice about that situation. Maybe if you let go of what has happened in the past and try to communicate better, the two of you might be able to work something out. And try not to get offended over every little thing.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2013 at 8:46AM
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You waited 17 and a half years without inquiring about your mothers things, and just now you re angry that SM cleared them out ? I m sure she thought you were nt interested anymore....You dont have to see her anymore if you dont want to....

    Bookmark   February 13, 2013 at 1:31PM
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To Amber3902 and dotz, I did speak up about my mum's things but it was too late. Dad said it was all done and had already moved. It all happened very quickly. He told me he'd found a buyer for the house then a few weeks later, he'd moved. The reason I'm cut up about it now is that Dad decided not to tell me but, for some reason, his wife has made a point of telling me now that he's dead. She told me twice, as though she wanted to be sure I'd heard it the first time. And no, dotz, you're right, I don't have to see her anymore if I don't want to, and I'm not. I am sad about that though. She's the only nanny my kids had.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2013 at 4:30AM
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Oh it all happened so quickly? Pleeeeease. Your mother died and the house wasn't sold until TWO and a HALF years later. You had ALL that time to say something. You had all that time to DO something.

So WHAT your Stepmom said something about it and your dad didn't? It probably wasn't on his mind. Your Stepmom probably told you not to rub it in your face but because she figured you would like to know. And so what she told you twice? You've never had to repeat yourself to someone to be sure they heard you?

And why aren't you mad at YOUR DAD for not telling you? At least your Stepmom told you what had happened, your dad didn't even do that.

And you're all upset because she told you TWICE? Shame on her for making sure someone heard what she said. I wonder what else you get all bent out of shape over.

And now the only reason you're sad that you don't see her anymore is because she watched your kids for you? WOW. Based on this and your other post you appear to be quite childish and selfish.

Reallly, you need to stop getting so insulted over nothing.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2013 at 8:12AM
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Amber, while you're castigating Larajaia, consider there is probably a disconnect between some of what she said and what you think she said. I suspect when Larajaia says, "She's the only nanny my kids had," she means "nanny" in the sense of "grandma" rather than "paid caregiver".

    Bookmark   February 14, 2013 at 12:00PM
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Colleenoz - My mistake. I just re-read her OP and she did refer to the stepmom as the kid's nanny.

Even so, the rest of my advice still stands.

This post was edited by Amber3902 on Thu, Feb 14, 13 at 13:56

    Bookmark   February 14, 2013 at 1:49PM
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Your family may have a point.

You need to stop running hot and cold with this lady. She 'owes' you nothing. Nothing. She did not have to agree to babysit for you while you gave birth, nor let you back into her home after your "furious" tirade.

You also need to stop with the hurt feelings over she being the one to clean out Mom's closets. Overall, no, it was not her place...BUT stop and realize who should have handled the ordeal. Yeah, that's right, your father. Daddy should have cleaned out his deceased wife's belonging. Either by himself, requested brother and you to assist or even hired a assistant to help him...and it should have been done BEFORE he was saying 'I do' to another woman and buying houses with a future wife. You don't like how it went down? Blame Daddy.

You're busy licking your old wounds, yet you continue to demand and expect of this lady. You don't get to toss rocks at her and then squeal foul when she takes offense. You reamed her over hair, after begging her to watch your child. Hair grows back. She overstepped but you took it to the next were so "furious" in whatever and however you expressed yourself that it caused an estrangement for over a year.

Daddy left what he desired you and brother to have in his will. But no, not good enough for you. You fight this lady on the will of your father's wishes. Then you fly through your share and get angry the lady does not intend to handout additional funding to support a lifestyle you can not afford on your own.

Ask yourself. Do you really want this woman in your life and a grandparent figure in your life, or is it all about money and what you think you can get out of this lady? Your father chose to allow this lady in this house for as long as she lives...that's a very common practice. The lady has money from her own parent and a previous husband. She's living in her home and traveling on her own dime...she's doing exactly what your father intended her to be doing.

Your 'problem' is not your stepmother. Your problem is your attitude and sense of entitlement. Decide if it is the lady you desire a relationship with and adjust accordingly giving up all the demands and expectations, or leave the lady alone. She does not 'owe' you and your father did not intend her to. If you can't accept that, leave the lady alone and realize the next time anything about her will concern you is if she decides she'd like to sell the house and/or passes your father desired.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2013 at 8:26AM
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Larajaia, It sounds to me like you might be sincere in trying to understand what went wrong here. You are reaching out. We are responding because we think we can help and although the honesty of the words of others may sting, please listen to the message not how it makes you feel. I think it is a classic mistake to blame the step-mother for our father's failings and it is a classic mistake to feel that we, as daughters, must compete with our step-mothers. Our step-mothers are not to blame. Our father's are. Our fathers may hide behind our step-mother's but do not be fooled. Your issue is with your father. I am sorry he is deceased so that you can't work out your issues with your father, but maybe he meant you no harm when he cleared out your mother's things. Maybe he was overwhelmed by the task and needed to move on and wanted to do so in a painless as possible way. I do not know. But I do know that blaming sm is a immature and doesn't resolve the issue. Regarding the you really want to expend the energy fighting a will? Believe me, you most likely won't win and all that it does is waste energy. You have lost your father and mother and you must know that life is precious and short. Is this really how you want to spend your energy? I can guarantee you, it will not endear your sm to you. In fact, if you are really interested in a relationship with her, I think that you need to resolve those issues that create a enemy in her.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2013 at 11:56AM
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My grandparents worked their butt off most of their lives to pay off their house which, for 30 years was to be left to my Dad, brother and I! everybody knew that arrangement and my grandparents were always passionate about the fact that it was ours, and the woman that married my dad and her kids weren't getting it!! My Dad and the 'gold digger' also owned a house, she's never worked a day in her life! Mentally abused my brother and I as kids, continuously attempted to push us out of our family and almost succeeded. My Grandma past away a couple of years ago and my Dad decided he wanted to move back in to our Grandparents home to be with his dad! Still knowing the arrangement for my Grandparents house, My Dad and 'gold digger' move in with my Grandad, she sells my dad's house, keeps all the money for herself and then finally manipulates my 86 year Grandfather into leaving her our Grandparents house!! It would have been her plan for years as she could never accept that my brother and I were in the running to about to get something that her and her litter weren't! she's is nothing but a lazy, calculating control freak! and absolute disgrace! I have spoken to a couple of Lawyers for advise and one suggests that because she's 'useless' and no one would employ her that, that will work in her favour should I take her to court.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2013 at 10:47PM
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You need to let go of this or it will destroy your life. There will be no peace or joy in your life.

When I married my second husband he wanted to save one piece of his property for his kids. It was least valuable property he had. He said it is just so they know he was thinking of them. Over the years he put my name on all of his property because he wanted to be sure I was taken care of. We owned everything with right of surviorship. If I died it was all his and vice versa. Our lawyer said if he died first it was all mine and if his kids took me to court after he died the judge would just laugh and trash it.

Children have no legal right to anything. A wife does. That is the law. My kids are not my heirs, they get nothing and nothing is what they deserve.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Sat, Nov 30, 13 at 10:06

    Bookmark   November 29, 2013 at 11:07AM
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