Adult SD & ex-wife issue

Anne97February 9, 2011

I'm new here. Thanks for letting me post/vent, and ask for advice. I have been married to my husband for almost 30 years. When I married him, he had a daughter just under the age of 2, who he had custody of. His ex-wife had several affairs, then left when the baby was 3 months old. The marriage was completely over when I met my husband and subsequently married him. SD is now 31 years old. She lived with us while growing up. Even though we had issues when she was younger, over the last 10 years, we have became best friends, practically joined at the hip. As far as I'm concerned, I may as well have given birth to her. She calls me me Mom. She doesn't feel close to real Mom and real Mom isn't very nice to her most of the time, even though her Mom demands what she calls "respect due to birthing her". My SD has 4 children, who I love very much and spend quite a bit of time with. Real Mother doesn't spend much time with them, hates people knowing she is a g-ma. My SD, husband, son-in-law and myself all are runners. My husband and I have done this for years, SD & her husband just took it up a year ago, but love it. We even travel together to run races. Now that you know the back story:

Facebook issues! My SD and I communicate all of the time on FB. I comment on pics of my grandkids and we talk about our running and our trips. Just the normal stuff you would talk about with your kid who you were very involved with. Ex-wife called SD and yelled at her for an hour about FB. Said she was tired of me posting on FB and trying to "one up" her. SD called me crying about it. I felt so bad and even though it would be giving in, offered to not post on FB very often. I don't want SD to have her Mom causing her distress. Ex-wife even told SD that her friends were making fun of her because her ex-husband's wife posted on HER daughter's page. She is also mad at SD because they take trips with us. Of course, we invite them, real Mom & hubby don't invite them to go on any trips. Grrr...By the way, ex-wife has told everyone (including her daughter) for years that I broke their marriage up. SD now knows that is not true. SD has told me to continue to be myself, post when I want to and not to worry about her crazy Mom. Just so you know, I try to never comment on anything her Mom comments on. Occassionaly we will end up in the same thread because she comments under me, but I don't go out of my way to irritate her. I think the real problem is that our chatting on FB shows how good our relationship is and that is really bugging her. I've thought about trying to talk to her and let her know my posts are only because I care about SD, but I know that won't make it any better. She doen't want to know that I care about SD and after almost 30 years, just wants me gone. Are any of the rest of you still dealing with issues like this after years of marriage?

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Hi Anne! I wouldn't waste one more moment's thought on this if I were you. It sounds to me like your SD's mother has some issues, like she may be one of those women who view their children almost as possessions, as dolls that they can pick up and put down at will. She is pretending to her friends (who are most likely not fooled for one minute) that she is and has been a stellar mother, and she feels that you are interfering with that charade.

It doesn't sound like your SD is particularly that concerned about it; she's upset because her bio-mother is a delusional, selfish woman, yes - but not upset that her mother is "offended" or SD would have asked you to stop posting.

I think you should just continue about your business. Ignore BM's dog in the manger routine so long as SD is OK with it.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2011 at 9:11AM
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SD is an adult and could talk to whoever she wants to and go on trips with whoever she pleases(unless fo course she is bashing BM on FB which i don't think she does). And if she and BM have issues and arguments because BM is unreasonable, they can figure it between themselves, SD is grown up. I do not know who and what about DD23 talks in real life or on social network. I would just do what i think is appropriate and let them deal with their own issues.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2011 at 12:10PM
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On Facebook, do this:

Account -> Privacy Settings -> Block list -> Edit your lists of Blocked People -> Enter name/email of Ex -> Click Block This Person.

Ex will no longer be able to see your posts. Facebook problem solved :-)

    Bookmark   February 9, 2011 at 1:43PM
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Good idea, but BM would still see who SD talks to on SD's profile, unless SD blocks her too. ha, BM will probably throw a fit. What nonsense, isn't? "respect due to birthing". ha crazy

    Bookmark   February 9, 2011 at 3:40PM
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PO1, I know that there is some way or other to block everyone that you are not personally friends with from seeing anything that you post, anywhere. I used to have this as my setting but changed it to "friends of friends" because people were becoming confused when my friends would respond to my postings - and since my postings were not visible at all to their friends, my friends appeared to be posting random erratic responses.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2011 at 4:14PM
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oh I see, mattie, I didn't know.

I am not on FB, I spend too much time on the Internet as it is LOL

    Bookmark   February 9, 2011 at 6:47PM
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If you block someone on facebook, it disables them from seeing anything you post & disables you from seeing anything they post.

In the privacy settings, you can control who sees your posts, pics & everything else but someone that is not blocked may be able to inadvertently see your post anyway. At least that has happened with me. The safest way to make sure she won't see anything you post is to click on her page, even if it's a private page, it allows the option to block this person. (where it says report/block this person)

and after that, let SD deal with her own mother. Don't worry about anything you do upsetting her... your existence will upset her so trying to talk & rationalize with her will only throw fuel on the fire. What she is doing, is destroying her own relationship with her daughter. Eventually, the daughter will have had enough & limit contact or stand up to her & force the mom to step back. It has nothing to do with you.

    Bookmark   February 10, 2011 at 12:57AM
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