A real outing with my boyfriends young son (long)
Hi. I'm posting here because I'm nervous and while my boyfriend is amazing he seems to be rather vague on my concerns. Let me start from the beginning though. I am 23 years old with no children (but plenty of nieces and nephews ranging from 17months to 16 years old) my boyfriend is 21 years old, divorced and has an adorable soon to be 3 years old son. He married his sons mother when she was 5 months pregnant after much fighting between their families and them as a couple themselves. They were 19 when the baby was born. He doesn't like her, he barely looks at her when he picks up the baby from her house. And here's where the story gets jumbled. His side is that she lied about birth control following an accidental broken condom, that he was aware she had had abortions in the past and thought she would have learned "by now" this happened while they were "on a break" after being together for a few months. She offered to abort their child and he said that they could handle it. And they are quite capable as far as I can tell of being the best parents they can be, just not together. I've talked to her before, we are "friends" on facebook. I've already met their son. I drove them to their divorce and custody hearing along with her new boyfriend. It seems like a simple enough arrangement. But as time went on my boyfriend opened up more with some concerning details like her current boyfriend has only just turned 16, she let's the baby call her boyfriends (past and present) "daddy" even in my boyfriends presence and she once attacked a former girlfriend of my boyfriend. He wants to take the child away from her. Her father is a drinker, her sister is (insert complaint). He has concerns that their child will be marginalized should she and her current boyfriend have a child of their own. The issue being that she and her parents (where she, the baby and her boyfriend live) have primary custody. My boyfriend (a child of teenage marriage himself) doesn't have an on the book job, no high school degree, no credit, barely a place to live except the days he stays with me. I on the other hand have 2 college degrees, a high paying job, excellent credit and my own place with my autistic brother I care for. Now for the real reason I write to all of you. I have met his son over the past 6 or so months when picking up mail from the "bio moms" house (I hate the structure biological can be understood as because I'm adopted, a mom is a mom is how I feel) for my boyfriend or when we stop by a family member of my boyfriends but Ihave not actually interacted with the child as a small unit (just me, the child and my boyfriend) and its going to happen. In march. We are taking him to a local show for yo gabba gabba or one of those tv sing alongs, Iforget which one. I'm nervous because while he has seen me I usually just say hi and let him play with his father and then say good bye when we leave. I asked my boyfriend "what does he like?" "What does he eat?" And Iget no real answer just "oh whatever you plan will be fine" or "he's only 3 don't worry" but Ido worry. I have a chronic illness. I've never seen a real future with kids or anything. I never put real thought into except for the time I've been with my boyfriend, like maybe, 4 or 5 months in and for the last 6 months that Ihave seen the baby in passing. I am just so worried Imay do or say something wrong. I even talked to the mother about it (since she had to agree to it per their custody agreement) and she gave the same answer! My boyfriend talksabout our future with the baby and how we would be a perfect family and I think while my heart says that's more than what Icould imagine as perfect my brain reminds me Iam not and never with be the babys mother. His mother is not dead or neglectful or going to give up custody. And while she may be cool with me now Ifeel like it could change rapidly should their son and Ihit it off. I'm just not sure how much of this I'm making more stressful than needed or if Ishould worry about it. My mom says just act with him as Iwould my youngest nephews (from my oldest brother who LOVES my boyfriend) is she right? Can I treat him as Ido my nephews or should it be more or less because of the situation? The other thing Ifigured out from scouring google sites was to bring him a toy when Isee him so Igot him a light up owl in his fave color that you can write messages on that glow at night. I also made a small "travel" bag with some toy cars and coloring books and a small stuffed teddy. Is that too much? I ask my boyfriend and he just smiles and says "you're perfect" could he just be as nervous as I am? Or is it so second nature to him after 3 years that my concerns seem petty to him? Please help. I'm sorry this was so long and badly typed. My computer died and I'm doing this on my android. Thank you everyone!