step aside or not?

izzy_2010February 14, 2010

My story is complicated..6 months ago a met a guy.. who by christmas i was already in love.. he is 32 and i'm 20 years old we have talked alot about our age difference and he doesn't want me to commit to him yet, he wants me to continue my dreams and goals.. he says he only likes me but does not love me yet and i understand and i haven't told him i love him yet.. so last week i told him that we are better of friends until we are sure of what we want and that when he was ready he could ask me out. Two days later he said he couldnt live without me and that he missed me alot, and then he confessed that a day before i told him to just be friends a girl had come to his house looking for him saying that she was 8 month preg. and that he was the father, she just wanted to let hom know cuz it was his right, and to not worry that if he did not. want to be responsible that it as ok. He then told me of one day having passed out and when he woke up he was on his boxers and she was next to him she never said if anything had happen. So he then asked me if i would still date him of he had a kid.. i said yes and he then asked me to bs his girlfriend. He said he wants to do a DNA test to make sure, but yesterday he met. with the girl and afterwards he called me he said that the girk seemed like an honest person and very mature he sounded happy and made the comment that he was sure it was his kid. He sounded very happy and im really happy for him but now i have realized that maybe i made a mistake.. i want to tell him that he should at least take a chance on meeting the girl and maybe try to start a relationship with her. Im thinking that the baby would be better of with both his parents together. I want my bf to at least say that he tried. I want to step aside and be just a friend for him. When i commented this to him he said he did not want to risk loosing me, that what if while he tried to work it out with the other girl that i find someone else? I dont want hom to think that i dont want him because of the kid. I would honestly be willing to commit to him and. his baby, but i don't want the kid to leave with seperate parents. I would like the kid to know that at least their parents tried. Should i step aside or should i just stand next to him and support him?

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Step aside or not? Run, Izzy, run as far and as fast as you can get. Don't look back, go chase those dreams and goals. There's a big exciting world out there, Izzy, and it's waiting for you.

Don't waste another day waiting on the sidelines for this man boy. Eight months ago he was so drunk he had a one night stand he can't even remember, a week ago he wants no committed relationship with you, a stranger shows up at his door with child to be and suddenly he "can't live without you' and wants you to wait while he attempts to play house with this 'girl' who seems 'honest and mature' and if it works out for them he's ...what? Where are you in this picture?

Dreams and goals, Izzy. Big sea, other fish worthy of you. Get on with your life.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2010 at 7:25AM
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Agree, run.

You are 20 years old. If you do not have a career yet, you should be working on school or training.

Do not think for one minute that this child won't mean sacrifices on your part -- both time and money. I love children -- BUT -- are you ready?

    Bookmark   February 14, 2010 at 10:17AM
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Whatever reasons you have for getting out, get out. Aside from your altruistic thoughts about giving the pregnant woman a chance, this guy does not sound like a keeper. No 31- or 32-year-old man should be getting drunk or taking drugs to the point of passing out. He is way too old for that sort of thing. And on top of that, he's playing I don't love you/I love you games? Break it off and find a better person to fall for!

    Bookmark   February 14, 2010 at 10:35AM
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I doubt he had no clue. Woke up in boxers... didn't know if anything happened? Yeah right!!!!

Those are the words of "It's not my fault!" and he isn't even going to take responsibility for the act.

Stay if you want to be with someone that doesn't take responsibility, plays mind games, and lies. If you believe he has no idea how he got there with his pants off and first wants a DNA test but after a talk, now he's sure it's his? Is this a one night stand or someone he knows? and why would it take her 8 months to tell him? A normal guy would want a DNA test... so if he's backed away from a DNA test and is now ready to accept the baby is his, that says more about how well he knows this girl & he was most likely lying about how she got pregnant.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2010 at 1:37PM
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& you don't know that there *is* a "girl", pregnant or otherwise.

The "let's be friends" followed within 2 days by "I can't live without you" sounds like there is a girl...
he needs some reason to not commit to...something...maybe his child & the mother of his child.

He's an opportunist & a user, & people are consistent;
if he's using you to weasel out of responsibilities to another woman, or a relationship with another woman, he'll use someone else to get away from you.

Go have fun & let this guy work out his own messed-up life.

I wish you the very best.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2010 at 2:41PM
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You may love this guy, but you are only 20 and have your whole life ahead of you!!! Go to college and pursue your dreams. Travel and do all the fun things people your age can do. Don't get tied down by a man and his child this young. You will regret it for the rest of your life. This is the only time in your life where anything can happen and your future is wide open. Enjoy it, PLEASE!! There will be other guys and someday you will fall in love with the right one, one who feels the same way about you as you feel about him. It may be hard to walk away from this guy, but it is the right thing to do.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2010 at 4:29PM
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I'm definitely not saying the other posters are wrong about this man but they might be.

It's possible that the shock of this news has thrown an otherwise relatively (only "relatively" since he does still drink or use drugs to pass out at his age) responsible guy for a loop. If that is the case then stepping aside (whether he likes it or not) gives them a chance to make something for this child and also gives you an opportunity to see if he is going to grow up.

You run the risk of losing him but that isn't a bad thing if he really is as irresponsible as the other posters think.

If he is really a great guy who can make it work with the mother of his child then you sound like you don't want to stand in the way of this child's happiness. If he is a great guy who tries but can't make it work with this woman, then you will be able to know he tried, you did the right thing and IF you get back together it was meant to be.

Have you considered that the mother of his child might not want him in her life even if she would not mind him playing a role in the child's life? In that case, you probably should still cool the relationship for a while to let him absorb the new reality of his life and what it will mean. Again, if he comes back to you in a few months stable and acting like someone's daddy instead of a teenager or a frat boy, than you will know what he's made of.

And make sure you have thought through what becoming a sort of step mom at 20 will mean for your life. Someone once said "adults don't make children, children make adults". Are you ready at 20 to have this child force you into becoming an adult?

I have to admire you for thinking beyond yourself in this situation but it is okay to think of yourself. You have to put yourself first here because no one else has the responsibility to consider your needs in this situation. Other people involved have responsibilities to each other, you don't. Good luck.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2010 at 4:56PM
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Honestly, I can't think of one good reason to hang around...
That is, one reason that's good for YOU.

It would be nice for him to keep you conveniently danging.
Pregnant women are notoriously hormonal, so while she may be 'honest and trustworthy' today, next week she might not feel like having sex or she might turn into a raving lunatic. Or she might go all demanding on him, expecting him to pay child support, or gosh, babysit! What a drag...

And I'm sorry -- but I gotta wonder about men in their 30's dating women who are just barely out of their teens. Not that there's anything worng with young women -- but you have hardly any experience being an adult. One of you is out of step with the norm for your generation -- and I'm betting it's him. (Meaning he's already been 'left behind' -- NOT good.) And while technically, he's got plenty of experience being an adult, he doesn't seem to have done much growing up so far... I wouldn't expect him to actually want to do any now. He's probably pretty darn happy with his 'carefree' (irresponsible) life.

Bottom line -- He's a bad long term bet because of his history; and he's a bad short term bet because of his circumstances. There's just nothing in it but mess and heartbreak -- and not even the glamorous kind!

    Bookmark   February 14, 2010 at 8:38PM
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what a loser, woke up in his boxes and didn't know what happened..yeah..right, run now, he is a loser big time

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 6:54PM
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"gotta wonder about men in their 30's dating women who are just barely out of their teens"

My best friend in high school had an older brother who did something like this:

When he was 16, he dated 16-year-olds.

When he was 22, he dated 16-year-olds.

When he was 30, he dated 18-year-olds.

When his girlfriend-du-jour grew up, he'd find another 18-year-old.

The last time I asked about him, he was 37 years old, & his girlfriend was 18.

no way can someone like this be a good life partner.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 12:48PM
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I know a guy, who only dates very young girls. he even married much much younger girl but she divorced him rather quickly. he is 38 now and currently is not dating because young girls don't go out with him and certainly don't want to marry him. LOL

he is intelligent and actually pretty nice guy, i matched him up once with a girl assuming he finally matured, this girl was young, maybe like 30? he didn't want to date her because she was too old for him. LOL

I think it is is a control issue, it is much easier to control very young girls and brainwash them.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 6:54PM
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"no way can someone like this be a good life partner."

someone like that isn't looking for a life partner... they are looking for someone at or below their level of maturity. When the girl begins to get older & wiser, he moves on to another naive victim. His maturity is stunted.

and girls tend to mature faster than boys, but sounds like he had to move into the 'legal' category.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2010 at 12:04PM
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