I want to make ammends....
But I don't know where to start or how.
I've been gone for a while because I decided that I was dragging myself down by allowing myself to be consumed by our situation including researching/reading on the Internet. I even shut down my facebook to give me a break from the world wide web.
I won't go into a lot of old details, I've shared some things in the past... It would take too long. But basics... My relationship with exDH is non existent. SM has been a non stop battle from day one and from what I read and have learned, it's a basic power struggle between her and I and 'our' parenting of DD. This has been going on for several years, court battles (initiated by exDH). He lost visitation for a few yrs because He allowed SM to control our situation and didn't do anything to try to co-parent or protect DD from SMs malicious behavior. Ok so we finally got back to slowly starting visitation again and BAM, SM immediatly starts in with her stuff. Visitations stop BUT it began to effect DD negatively because although she is uncomfortable with SM she wants to see her dad. So I agreed to begin visitation again and SM so far has not started anything -- things actually have been quiet and I am pleased ... But sort of waiting for the ax to drop. Well I don't want the ax to drop so I'm praying and praying things continue to go well. The few things DD tells me, I just decided are not that big of a deal so I am letting them go and not mentioning to exDH. I haven't said anything except to keep him in the loop via email about things here and there that I think are important. But only 3 things so far in the last month. 1. School closing for bad weather. It states in our papers that I have to notify BD of changes in school schedule or closings/absences etc. 2. That DD was having a conflict at school with another student and went to the counsler. Counselor notified me DD was being bullied and the situation was handled 3. That I spoke to DD about menstration since it had come up at school and she had questions. Also mentioned that if she feels comfortable talking to Dad, that was Ok but that SM is also a woman and knows a lot about it in case she is there when it happens.
I got flaming emails back basically saying I don't need you to tell me about my daughter. I have a great relationship with her and we talk all the time. Furthermore I am in contact with the school and they can contact me if I am needed. I am a great father and do not need you to tell me about my daughter.
Are you shocked? I actually was. I shouldn't have been but I was the bigger person and I just let it go. It actually didn't inflame me at all. I just moved it to the BD folder and moved on.
How am I supposed to co-parent with this??
The emails are obviously from SM because she is very bitter and hateful and exDH doesn't write emails. His emails are ok or thanks and no punctuation so I can tell when a four paragraph email comes in that it's from SM but signed by BD. Argh ..
Moving on... I am struggling because I think that if I show both BD and SM that I am just moving on and not trying to fight that they will slowly begin to calm down. They blame me for BD losing his rights and won't see that they did something that caused the judge to order that way. They take no responsibility for any of this battle. It's all on me. We are supposed to be going to conflict resolution therapy and they always cancel. We haven't been in months although I am still seeing a therapist and I believe seeing her is what has gotten me to this point. I want to let this water under the bridge stay under the bridge but they keep splashing me with it.
I thought if I made a 'good faith' attempt to SHOW them I am wanting to move on by not responding to their email wars, not questioning them about the things DD tells me and by just kind of going with the flow, stepping back and on to the sidelines a little that they might say 'this quietness is kind of nice, BM isn't complaining or documenting with the lawyers everything DD tells her, wow maybe we should let the dust settle and enjoy this'. Nope. Got served with new papers. They want a psychological evaluation on me. I guess complaining and fighting is signs of sanity and waving a white flag is cause for evaluation.
I'm not worried about the evaluation as the judge will not order it since I haven't done anything in so many years. I haven't always been pleasant but it's been about 4 yrs since I feel off my rocker and my attorney agrees. I am being acussed of interferring with his parenting because I sent those 3 emails with updates on DD. Attorney says I am co-parenting as ordered in my court papers so not to worry. Court is in a few weeks.
With that being said, I still have this urge to throw up my white flag and say, I am offering you this... In good faith ... Giving with no expectations of receiving .... Please take my offer and let's make peace. This is aging me so fast. I hardly sleep, not because I am thinking about this but just in general, I'm a busy person and I just can't take anymore on my plate. And in all honesty, if DD is doing well with her overnight visits then I want her to go. I have actually enjoyed the down time of her going to her dad's because I'm able to actually sit back and relax. She is so active, it's go go go constantly or have a bored kiddo sitting around the house whinning about what we AREN'T doing. So the last few weekends have actually been nice. The weekend that I realized OMG I haven't 'worried' over DD today while she is gone, made me realize that I have let go and that isn't a bad thing. When she came home from school after a weekend with dad, I didn't even care that SM had signed her folder. Which was something that sent neddles through my spine before. Not jealousy but annoyance that BD fights so hard for DD and his 'time' but he can't even take a minute to sign the folder. Then when DD complained that dad was never home because he works and she is with SM all weekend I only asked 'well did you have a good time?' she said yes but I miss my dad. I said well at least you did something fun and maybe you should share that with dad when you see him next time. Maybe letting him know you want some one on one time with him will get you some quiet time with dad. It didn't really bother me. My family is not supportive of my new feelings. My parents are upset because they think I'm giving up. I said to them 'you know, atleast she is seeing him for who he is instead of who she thinks he is and atleast SM is taking care of her it could be worse'. My mom was livid. They think I need to bring up BD not being home on the weekends ( not even at bedtime) and I said I just don't want to fight anymore. When SM gets tired of being BDs live in babysitter SM will do it for me. Fighting is draining our bank accounts and keeping MY family from moving on and living the life we should be 'financially'.
So I don't know what to do. I know I need to do what is best for DD and my therapist and I agree that I think I doing what is best. DD will be more independant if some of these battles she handles on her own. When I need to step in I will do what I have to but am I really fighting over who signs her folder or who Is putting her to bed 10 nights out of a month?
We can't co-parent right now because they aren't ready but maybe one day it will get better? Am I seriously wrong for thinking it will get better ad they see that I am being more passive than ever before and that what I do see is that Right now DD is thriving more than she has in a long time? And by letting all these things go and just watching from a distance to make sure she is safe and happy only to intervene when I feel it's out of control-- is that saying -- I give up -- I don't care anymore? I'm so confused.
My husband supports me but thinks I am making the wrong choice but he believes it is my choice and only my choice. He is a good man.