I miss my little girl...

myfampgFebruary 27, 2011

DD is with BD this weekend. I'm still not used to the overnights. She has only been going for a month and so I'm still adjusting. For so many years I haven't had a 'weekend off' and so when this started I decided that we would do something special each weekend she is gone by either getting a sitter for DS and having date night or taking DS on a 'date'. So tonight we took DS to my parents and hung out but then he also fell asleep and decided to leave him over night. DH and I are going to do a breakfast date and afternoon movie tomorrow but I can't stop thinking about DD. She called me yesterday from school crying bc she didn't want to go to BDs. Apparently BD has to work all weekend leaving DD with SM which DD hates... I told her she would have fun and that once she gets there she would be happy and see that it would be ok. Then the nurse called bc DD was having a stomach ache and wanted to cone home. 5 minutes before school was out. I told the nurse I thought she was just anxious over going to dad's. I emailed BD to just let him know, no response. I haven't heard a word from DD since. (SM picks her up from school on weekends)

All day DS asked where is 'sister'. He is too young to understand but I tell him she is with her daddy and will be back on Monday. A few minutes later he asks again. I stay strong because crying won't bring her home faster but how do I pass the time and NOT think about her. I'm not 'worried' that she won't come home or anything like that. I just miss her. I have never been 'kept' from her or not had access to her before. In 10 yrs my child has always either been with me or where I can talk to her or go get her. This is just new. I put myself in BDs shoes and know this is how he must have felt all those yrs he was not allowed visitation but I am not the one that kept him from her, his actions and a judges ruling were the reason. So this is different but I feel like I am being punished.

How do I get through it? I kept myself busy all day and I should be sleeping but now I can't turn my brain off...

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I think the reason you are crying and missing her is because you know she is not truly comfortable there and the situation is far from perfect. Dad is not even there and DD spends time with SM. And other issues...

If she was comfortable and happy there, I think you would feel much much better and would feel happy for your child.

Myfampg, i strongly suggest that you address the situation with your lawyer: DD does not spend time with dad, dad works, DD sits aorund with SM, DD is anxious and feels sick before going to SM.

To be honest with you, I never remember feeling that sad over missing DD when she was at dads. I knew she was very happy there, so I was never sad and she was gone a lot plus for long stretches of time. I guess I just didn't know any different.

But don't get me wrong, I understand your feelings. DD is 23 and I often cry from missing her because I don't see her much. It is hard.

But in your situation please address it with your lawyer. (not you missing her but everything else). When dad is working, DD needs to stay at home.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2011 at 5:44PM
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This one is a tough one because it really depends on how the child feels.

My son used to cry & say he didn't want to go with his dad but once he was there, he was fine. It could be because I felt anxious & didn't want him to go so I think that MY reaction played into his behavior, including fits that he insisted he didn't want to go & wouldn't let go of me. (I was convinced he hated it there) but he is now 24 and says he had lots of fun at his dad's. I don't know why he made such a fuss, other than he sensed that I was upset by him leaving. I also loved having my kids 24/7 and it was horrible when he was gone... like a part of me is missing.

My younger 2 kids were always still with me & I will never forget the week all three were gone (they were all in middle school). They decided to visit my sister in another town for Spring break one year.. I couldn't eat or sleep & was miserable, sad & lonely. To date, it's still the worse week of my life.

My DS24 is in the Army & stationed across the country. My DS21 is living in his own apartment w/a roommate an hour away & my DD20 wants to move out so she's saving $$$. Of course SD12 lives with us & now DGS2 takes up my time, but I don't feel the same about them not being there. Now if I get an evening (or even a weekend) with no kids, I am thrilled to have some ME time. Sunday nights are the closest I come to it... DH is usually going to get SD from BM; my DD is at work & I play with the baby, put him to sleep & then get some time to myself.

I guess my only point is that you will get through it & maybe someday it won't seem like such a tragedy... I know in the moment, it feels like it is. I agree with PO1, that it needs to be addressed that the child is getting physically ill but I addressed it with the court on several occasions with my son & it was really ignored, as if I were an overly insecure mom, which I probably was. My point with that is that I also spent lots of money on attorney's & court which added to my stress level & frustration.

Sorry I don't have a better answer for you.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2011 at 7:26PM
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It's ok imma and thanks! PO1. I think it is good that SM picks up DD from school instead of from me because I agree she probably would pick up on any anxiety. I really have no anxiety about her going, the people around me seem to be more anxious about it than I am. I am ready for our lives to even out and for things to be 'normal'. Some people say, wouldn't it be easier for BD to fall off the planet? My answer is always No. It would be devastating for DD. She loves that man and I think a part of her really wants to love SM, which I all for but SM is mean to her and treats her like 'the stepchild'. I have yet to figure out why in the world SM volunteers to be 'babysitter' for BD ALL the time... But I honestly think it's to get a rise out of me. I think once she realizes that I no longer care or am effected by her being around my child, maybe she will realize that she doesn't want to be the babysitter anymore. I honestly prefer DD to be with me but i really think once SM gets tired of having DD alone all the time, she will put a stop to it. What happens over there happens over there. I really don't want to know. But Dd is obviously suffering.

We went to court this week and a teacher testified to the changes in DD socially and the things that Dd confided to her, and it did nothing for us. So you are right... These things get ignored... It's too bad too.

I haven't been feeling this way in the past month it's just this weekend. Not sure why. Just miss her little smile and her constant need for help on homework or her nagging about being bored. Lol it's the little things I guess. But she will be home tomorrow!!

    Bookmark   February 27, 2011 at 11:02PM
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I hope you're feeling better today, myfampg! I'm sorry court did not go well; it is so frustrating to feel that nobody wants to listen. It seems to be assumed that the parents are just bitter and can't continue sniping at each other, unless there is just overwhelming evidence that the child is suffering (and, of course, by then some damage has been done.)

We tried the special date nights on those weekends too - doesn't really work for us because worrying and romance do not tend to go together well. Now we wander around and do gardening and home projects, or maybe read books or go for long walks. We never completely relax until SS is back. I hope things get better for you!

    Bookmark   February 28, 2011 at 8:39AM
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Did you address "first refusal provision" in the court? To my understanding if dad works, she must stay with mom at home not go to SM? I don't think SM would have any issue over babysitting because she has her kid at home anyways.

I think if you would not have first refusal, then it would be different, but if you do, I think dad has no rights on insisting DD goes there. Did you address it?

I am all for being nice but I think her going to be with SM is a violation of CO. I don't see how she can be forced to be with SM in dad's absence.

    Bookmark   February 28, 2011 at 11:32AM
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My little girl goes to stay with her BD for long stretches of time. I miss her, but I'm not traumatized, or worried, or particularly upset about it.

It's a gentle tugging "missing" rather than an "icepick" missing.

I think PO1 has a point. You miss her so extremely because you know it's not ideal and you are worried. Your "mama bear" primal "danger", your "dinosaur brain" is sending out signals that all is not right.

    Bookmark   February 28, 2011 at 4:14PM
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We are going to mediation in a few weeks to work out these details. We will definitly be address first right of refusal. We have it but they deny me. I'm better. The teacher told me that she was sick to her stomach all afternoon on Friday and said she didn't want to go to dad's. Sm picked her up and she said DD reverted into 5 yr old behavior like hiding her face and hugging the teacher over and over. The teacher documented it all. She said she is very worried about DD.

DD is home and very happy. Said she had a great weekend.

She isn't clingy tonight but is already saying can you just tell them I don't want to go this weekend?? She has two weekends in a row this time and she is already complaining. All we can do is document and support her and let her know we understand but reassure her she will have a good time -- she always seems to have a good time -- so.. I am just pulled on how to handle it all surely it will pass as she starts to get more comfortable with their lifestyle and the visits. I don't overprotect DD or shelter her, she just doesn't like being away from home. I can honestly say she is only comfortable spending the night with her aunt and grandparets (my family) and one close family friend. She just likes being home.

    Bookmark   February 28, 2011 at 8:28PM
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May I ask how much Dad is actually home during daughter's visit? Your 'right of refusal' might work part of the weekend, but I think you may want to really think this one through before exercising it completely or inisting the entire weekend is off limits. The basic clause likely states in place of daycare, sitter, relative blah blah.

If Dad is home on Friday evening by say 7ish and still has time to be there and spend enjoyable time with daughter...it may be best to go for having Dad pick daughter up at the 7ish (either your home or a neutral spot). Again, is he off and running early Saturday? Is it noon-ish before he leaves SM with daughter? Dad might have to bring daughter back before he takes off for the day.

Where I'm going with this is that the child desires to see her father and even though she does not care to be left with the SM she does say she 'had a good time'. Will opening up your 'right' cause additional friction and 'games' between the situation with the SM? Does the daughter really 'hate' the SM time or is she (like Ima suggested) picking up on your feelings and the stress of others surrounding you when it come to her weekend?

You were pretty stressed out earlier this last weekend. Did she feel/sense this building in you/other's in your family and maybe feel she was betraying you? Maybe feel she had to be home because her mom/others really need her there and get stressed/upset/sad when she goes away? In other words, is it possible that unintentionally you/others played a part in her building anxiety?

You're not dealing with 'normal' people here. This father and SM are a bit nutty (based on your previous thread postings)...I guess I kinda fear what the nuts will do for 'payback' if you 'win' and stop weekend visits entriely based on the fact Dad is gone 'alot'. There is a chance it may be better to demand your 'right to refuse' and then work with them via the clause initially so daughter is not left for long stretches with just SM but also does go ...yes, it might mean a few weeks/months of extra running for you/dad while the daughter is taken back and forth. I just think you need to step back, look at everything, ask the professionals their opinions (lawyers, counselors, teachers who are aware and famaliar with what's going on) and weigh what might really be in child's best interest.

Maybe 'conditions' could be used in bargaining your right to refual? Something along the lines that while Dad is 'gone' daughter can phone you once to let you know she is ok/having goodtime/miserable whatever. Dad can like it or not but since you do indeed have the first right to refuse clause he is under legal means to have to follow the clause. He can't 'deny' notifying you. He can't 'deny' you the 'right' to exercise the clause you both agreed to have included in the court papers. But the clause does not mean the daughter 'must' remain with you entirely, it merely gives you first chance to request in place of daycare, sitter, relative you get the option of the daughter spending the time he's missing from the scene with you instead...how detailed is your clause and how much room does the wording leave open to interpretation aka could drive a semi through the loose wording and loop holes?

    Bookmark   March 1, 2011 at 7:46AM
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I'm not anxious about her going. I don't see her before she goes. Pick ups are at school and I'm not there at all.
I missed my child while she was gone because the house was too quiet.

DDs anxiety is DDs anxiety. If you weren't allowed to call your MOM 'mom' while with your SM because you are to call SM 'mom' and Dad isn't there, would you be anxious?
Dad works until after DD is in bed on Thursday and Friday. He sees her when he drives her to school Friday morning. In addition to dad not being home to sign her folder, leaving SM to do it, her homework is not getting completed (but the folder is getting signed?) dad works on most Saturdays. Gone before DD is up. I don't think my DD hates anything but spiders. She fears SM-- hate is a strong word. She loves going to dad's because step sister is there. Dad doesn't work on most sunday's but they attend a different denomination church than we do.. Or we believe and so there is some feelings from DD about that.

I am going to address first right but I'm done fighting. I just missed her, wish she were with me, wish I could say at least she is with her father... But instead she is playing house with his new wife while he works.

Oh and first right in our order is only on non custodial time. If dad cannot exercise his rights, he has to notify me and bring her to me. If I cannot exercise my rights for longer than an 8 hr period excluding m-f work during school time AND excluding sleepovers with friends or
relatives, I have to contact BD. He may argue the wording but we will see.

    Bookmark   March 1, 2011 at 11:37AM
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keep documenting. the child feels sick, teachers are concerned, child asks not to go there, dad is never there, SM makes child anxious, child fears SM.

if that's the wording, then yes contact him when you cannot exrecise your rights and he must contact you. he is nto doing it, he wants DD to be with SM, that's unacceptable, he violates CO.

and what happened with inappropriate actions that SM did: forcing a child to call her mom or undressing or other stuff? All of a sudden your child sees SM more not less? I don't know...

    Bookmark   March 1, 2011 at 3:50PM
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PO1. My point exactly! I am so frustrated. The therapist said DD needs to stand up for herself and she is teaching her to do that.. But DD won't do it. She is scared. The undressing stuff was addressed by both the therapist and the judge and so far Dd has not complained about that. Calling SM mom was also addressed and DD says it's still happening. Here's dd's take on it. If she wants me to call her MOM I will but I only do it because she won't stop telling me to do it but I don't mean it, she's not my mom. I actually had the 'do not ever disrespect SM' conversation with her bc honestly, I hate reading all the posts about SMs hating their step kids or how disrespectful the stepkids are to SMs and BM condones it. That will not be the case. I will not tolerate my child disrespecting an adult even if the adult doesn't 'deserve' her respect. SM and BD will never be able to say that I turn DD against them or that I encourage snotty behavior because I will not allow it(if I know about it). So far SM and BD comment that DD is always well mannered and very respectful. Doesn't talk back or show any signs of disrespect and as much as they may hate me... They have to know it's because of how I am raising her and how much I encourage her to respect them. Period.

I just want a normal life. I'm sure we all want that. And some days I really miss her when she is gone. Some times I miss her but feel fine.

    Bookmark   March 1, 2011 at 11:52PM
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