damned if we do, damned if we don't

yabberFebruary 26, 2010

So this is a little tiff about the dentist, but examplary of most issues we have with BM.

Whatever we do, BM will bag it to the skids, we can't win for loosing..

When we don't take SD to the dentist, it's because we are tight with our money, evil SM (moi) wants to spend it all on herself, FDH has never cared about the kids enough, radada..

However, when we do take SD for a check-up, we are still in trouble.. BM was going to do that herself! How dare we take her, BM has always been left to do everything herself, what's FDH trying to prove, radarada..

Last year FDH backed of and left it to BM, she was so angry that FDH suggested taking her, so ok..

I guess you guys won't be surprised that SD did not see a dentist that year.

So this year FDH just took SD himself, her dental hygiene shouldn't have to suffer because of struggles. Last week SD had a check-up and clean, also some X-rays. All is good, we are happy. But not BM. She has now made her own appointment for SD and so SD is going for another clean and check-up next week. This makes no sense and SD knows it, but good daughter she is she just goes along with it. Pfff

Well, better too much attention for teeth then not enough :-)

Ok that is my vent for the day..

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Don't know why dental is highlighted as a link, that's not me..

    Bookmark   February 26, 2010 at 12:19AM
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I hear your frustration. Some orders specify who is responsible to take kids to appointments, usually the primary custodial parent, but if they don't do it, then duh! the other parent should.... that's just common sense.

I will never understand why a parent would complain about anyone doing something nice for their child, who they "love" so much. The reason I put "quotations" on love.... if a parent truly loves their child, don't they want what's best for them??? If they can't provide it, they should be grateful when someone else does provide it. Period.

It doesn't matter whether the person providing it is the other parent, a relative, step parent, neighbor, stranger or government agency... isn't the goal to do what is best for the child? If someone is too busy, lazy or in any way unable to do something like take the child to the dentist for a year, kiss the feet of the person that isn't too busy or lazy and takes the time to do YOU a favor because now your child has received care.

I am way past caring what my SD's BM thinks... if I give her an opportunity to do something and she doesn't do it, then I am taking carte blanche and I don't care if she thinks I am stepping on her toes or over my bounds. SD has a class trip coming up. DH asked her to pay part of the fee two weeks ago. As of today, no response. He tries to call her. No answer. He can't afford the trip so SD won't get to go. Meanwhile, SD tries to call to talk to her mom about her upcoming birthday but BM is still not answering her phone.. maybe thinks DH is trying to call about the trip. SD leaves a message because I offered to throw her a party if her mom isn't going to. BM never calls her back. (last year she said she was doing something and by the end of the day, SD was in tears & we are left to console her mother's disappointments)

When you are dealing with someone that says they are going to do something but then don't... you have the choice to do it yourself or leave it be and it doesn't get done. If she chooses to do it because you did it first.. then eventually the kids will see that their parent isn't doing it for them, they are doing it because they are engaged in battle with you (or your DH). Kids are perceptive and they know who is doing right or who is doing wrong.... unfortunately, they sometimes choose a side and usually it's the wrong side because they love both parents and the one that is doing wrong... well, I think kids want to help the parent that seems to need them more.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2010 at 1:47AM
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I'd call mom's dentist & let him know that this has just been done;

I can't imagine that it's good for the enamel to have twice the cleaning/polishing/sanding/wearing away.

Good grief.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2010 at 12:57PM
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Funny how that works!

I ran into that when older DS was about 10. I brought him in for his semi-annual check-up with his regular dentist -- a very nice pediatric dentist with a lot of special needs kids in his practice (so you know he's gentle and good with kids). DS had a small cavity in one of his molars. It was a baby tooth, but not scheduled to fall out for a few years, so the dentist thought it was best to fill it, which made sense to me. I'm trying to be a good mom, so I tell Ex -- who promptly explodes.

- DS was going to miss school! (yes - 4th grade PE and Social Studies)
- He'd no longer have perfect attendance! (yeah, uh...)
- Is this dentist even qualified?! (What? It's a simple cavity! Of course he's qualified.)
- Did I get a second opinion?! (uh, no.)
- Did I check this dentist's credentials? (Just a referral from another special needs parent.)
- HE knows a dentist who is better! He's the head of the dental college! (For a kid's cavity? A high-strung kid?)

"Fine! YOU take him!"

    Bookmark   February 26, 2010 at 1:14PM
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My ex was the one to take care of DD's dental care. I took care of her other medical needs. That's how it always worked. If I wanted/needed to take DD to a dentist i would, but I didn't. I think a lot of it is control/power issue but kids are suffering. If parents don't get along, i would address medical information in a custody agreement so it clearly spells who does what.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2010 at 5:58PM
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I think that if BM wants your SD to have clean teeth, it's good to have clean teeth and if your SD puts up with going to the dentist twice to have the cleanest teeth ever, and BM wants to waste her money so that she makes sure that the teeth are really clean, there's unfortunately not much you can do about it! Too bad Bm won't pay for everyone's dental in your family, you would all have the cleanest teeth ever!!
(love the ads, gw!! lol)

    Bookmark   February 26, 2010 at 10:03PM
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Thats ridiculous! What the heck is the point of another dentist visit so soon?? You would think bm could save the money and spend it on something the kid actually needs!!

I used to laugh when bm would take my skids overnight and bring them home in the morning with toe nails cut too short and ss with his head shaved to a 1 all over. (because their toe nails had already been cut and ss's hair was recently cut and styled) It was bm's way of being in charge of the kids even though she was doing things that did not need to be done!!

    Bookmark   February 28, 2010 at 3:44PM
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