Not a stepdad yet but

chrisrvaFebruary 9, 2007

Need some advice.A month ago I let my girlfriend move in with me cuz she was gettin kicked out.She is preg. with my kid,and I wanted to help her.She also has a son who is young that lives with us.The deal is that I'm to have the basement and it is off limits to her son.Well,everyday it is a battle with him going in there and messin with my stuff. Like,my expensive computer stuff and things.He also never lets have any time to ourselves.When we try he is in our faces and talking non stop.Before all this,like,I thought I wanted to marry her,but now I'm not sure.I want to be in my kid's life when it's born,but after readin this forum and stuff,I dont know about the step parent thing.He already doesnt listen at all,and she doesnt want me disapling him,but he doesnt listen to her at all.Help?

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coolmama

Chris, You actually are having a problem that alot of step mothers usually have...That the bio-parent isnt doing their job disapling their kid.This happens to parents of bio-kids too~but seems oh,so common on this forum with bio-parents doing this.

I think you just need to be honest with her. Tell her that you love her and that you were thinking about marriage,but for things to work out long term,she has to either let you tell her son to stop (what he is doing,messing with your computer?) Or that she needs to be more diligent and have her son respect your things.And,that if things dont change your not sure you can get married.
How old is her son anyways,you didnt say? I remember your post from the parenting forum but not old the son was. Hopefully it is something he will out grow.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2007 at 12:32AM
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aldra

There are certain things you say that I am having trouble with. You 'let' your girlfriend move in because she was being 'kicked out'..... and she was 'preg.' with your 'kid'.... to 'help her'.... Your girlfriend is pregnant with your child then 'yes' you help her because as the father that's your responsibility. The fact though that she was 'kicked out' of where ever she was kicked out with a child in tow.... okay, I don't know this woman and I don't know her circumstances but it seems kind of odd. If she was pregnant with your child and you were going to marry her anyway why wait until she gets 'kicked out'? I also don't understand that whilst you were courting this woman and creating another life with her, didn't you notice the little boy that she already had? How she was with him? Things won't change unless you talk them out. When you talk to her, don't be angry. Tell her that you intend to respect her but she needs to show the equal amount of respect to you and that in turn means being a more dilegent parent to her son. Also, kids will talk non-stop. That's just who they are. Busy hearing their own voices, wanting to know everything. Even if you didn't have this little boy in your life once the baby comes, that's kind of it for awhile. Try and plan your time alone if you can. But trust me on this one, children will change things. You have to be prepared for that. I wish you all the best.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2007 at 2:00AM
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colleenoz

Your GF needs to discipline her son, not only to preserve the peace with you, but for the little boy's own good. Children need to learn that there are limits and feel happier knowing where those limits are. Not having boundaries results in very unhappy children who grow up with the false belief that the world revolves around them. Teachers, employers and total strangers will quickly disabuse them of this notion, but it will not be a happy time.
You have the right to have your belongings left alone, whether by your "stepson", your natural son or some stranger in off the street. Your GF may prefer you not punish her child, but you do have the right to sternly say, "You may not touch my things" and escort the child gently out of your personal space. Can you put a lock on your door?
And while little children by nature do chatter and get "in your face", you have the right to ask them not to do that, again to teach them that others also have rights. "Mommy and I are talking right now. Please go and play with your (favourite toy) for a while." "Mommy and I are talking. Please don't interrupt." But do give him his own time with his mother and with you as well, to be fair. It might help to get a big timer and set it for, say, ten minutes and say, "This is Mommy and Me time. When it goes DING! it will be Stepson time." Get a timer you can see the numbers change on, or the dial moves, or something, so he can see it count down. Put it on the counter where he can see it. You can increase the time as he gets used to the idea. Be firm about enforcing the time, but also be honest in switching over when the timer goes off. This worked well with my daughter.
You want to let your GF know that her failure to discipline her son (and by discipline I do not necessarily mean spank, or punish, but teach to behave and enforce the lessons if necessary) is not only making his future difficult but is also killing your relationship with her. She doesn't want to ultimately end up on the street the single mother of two infants (I hope).

    Bookmark   February 9, 2007 at 3:14AM
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aldra

You've disappeared. Don't disappear altogether. You asked for help. I don't think there is anyone here that doesn't want to help.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2007 at 1:03PM
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chastity

You need to have a heart to heart with your girlfriend. If you are not ready to be married then don't get married. Based on what you said about her getting kicked out and you wanted to help her out, that sounds to me like you were sort of forced into the situation. Just because she is pregnant with your kid doesn't mean that she and you have to be together. You can still be in your child's life and help support her financially, because at the very least, you have to help her with the money part.
As far as the child goes that is hers, it is imperative that she and you both start reading up on child development and learn how to raise kids. She doesn't know how to apparently and soon you will both have another one to teach as well. Education is the most important thing anyone can have, unfortunately children don't come with manuals so you have to seek out the education yourself. I see so often, women getting involved with men who aren't their children's father and the kids end up abused and dead. I am not saying that this would ever happen on your part but in today's society it does all too often.
My husband came into my life and accepted my son and he teaches him right from wrong and guides him everyday. Children need guidance and consistency. If you get into a relationship with a woman with a child, you have to know that you are taking on the role of a major male figure in this little one's life. There are many aspects of step parenting that are unfair and emotionally mentally draining and you have to decide if you are up for the challenge.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2007 at 1:19PM
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sylviatexas1

Chris posted something similar on another forum.

Here is a link that might be useful: Chris's other post

    Bookmark   February 13, 2007 at 5:09PM
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moonie_57

Look, people. I don't want to embarrass anyone, especially someone that is a frequent poster and sometimes has a bit of good advice, but I'm telling you there is no Chris. There are people that post under numerous names and make crap up just for attention, or whatever reason. Now don't go asking me how I am so sure of this because I am not going to embarass that person. BUT, if that particular person wants to push the issue, then we'll go there. This is just getting to be ridiculous.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2007 at 10:58PM
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sylviatexas1

I posted the link because I suspected something like that, especially given new membership & the stylized writing made to "sound" like speech:

people who really talk that way ("like", droppin' the final "g", etc) don't write that way.

Thanks, moonie.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2007 at 8:56AM
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Chemocurl zn5b/6a Indiana

Moonie,

The same IP addresses?

Here I thought chris was a young and very immature, irresponsible, selfish person, afraid of commitment, though he was already committed to becoming a father...or a sperm donor anyway.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2007 at 2:41PM
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