mom_of_4February 25, 2009

So, I havent really posted about my own situation in awhile. Really overall things are completely better than last year... at least we arent dealing with her crappy BF and her trying to keep the kids away from us. But, on the other hand, we basically have the kids all of the time now and are still paying her childsupport. It is almost like a payoff at this point. Don't try and keep the kids away from us and we wont try to take CS away. It is aggravating to no end. But, my real problem is that it makes me literally ill to watch her with the kids. She is all over them. Oh baby sweet heart let me hug you pet you blah blah blah.

My younger ss 10th b day party was this weekend and I couldnt even get her to call me back to tell me how many of her people were coming. Oh yes, the birthday party we threw, that I worked my butt off on, she invited all her little friends to. Luckily, only one showed up. But still. I mean we were gracious and welcoming but she didnt even offer to bring anything and then didnt even show up with a card for her son ... it really ticked me off.

She is going to school right now (payed for by us courtesy of cs not but buy the kids any clothes or anything but pay for school and her phone) so she is using that as an excuse as to why she cant do... well anything. Oh, I have to study. Oh I have clinicals... Really? I didnt realize that being a mom was something you could put on hold. And, did I mention that I am going to school right now as well. I got sick of the job market so I went back to school. But, I manage to balance that and the kids and all... umm because that is my job... that is my responsibility as a parent.

We are having some major problems with my oldest ss in school... so we are considering home schooling him next year. When we talked to her about it we told her about an informational meeting... and we mentioned a scholarship for private school.. and this woman had the gaul to ask ME to check the private schools for her. Whatever... I was going to do that anyway... but as far as I am concerned she has hereby waved her right to ever take issue with my involvement in the kids schooling (not that I ever let that stop me before). Oh, and she didnt bother to show up to the info meeting at all.

But, on top of school problems ss has had problems at home as well. We talk to her about punishment and solutions... she is always on board (her first response being we need to whip his butt... umm not an 11 almost 12 year old...that is just not the solution) So we end up dealing out the punishment...but then she doesnt say word one to him and doesnt uphold any kind of a punishment at her house (the small amount of time they are over there) And when they go to her it's all aww poor baby... (gagging)

I am stressed out (not more than I can handle but a healthy dose of incredibly busy) with more things being piled on my work load daily... homeschooling ss soon.... school myself... work. And she gets to play sweet dear old gushy best friend mom... instead of doing ANYTHING that an actual mom should do.

It just drives me nuts sometimes. I know that these are just the usual complaints and they really cant be helped in the long run ...but god... seeing her after blowing off any real things with the kids and them in all.... be all over them...really makes me literally want to vomit sometimes ((not even to get started about listening to her telling everyone at the bday party how she is in school and doing so well blah blah blah.... I couldnt care less...)) And on a side note... much more petty but it just rakes my nerves when I here her describe herself as a single mom. I am like please you are single and you have kids ...but calling yourself a single mom is disrespectful to all those single moms out there really doing it on their own.

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"And on a side note... much more petty but it just rakes my nerves when I here her describe herself as a single mom. I am like please you are single and you have kids ...but calling yourself a single mom is disrespectful to all those single moms out there really doing it on their own."

Amen! I don't have much advice because she sounds like she's beyond comprehension, but I can SO relate to it. My SD's mom calls herself a SAHM. She has no kids living with her... but, technically she is a mom and she sure likes to stay home.. so technically she is a SAHM... technically!

    Bookmark   February 25, 2009 at 12:35AM
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That used to be one of my pet peeves ... call us to punish the kids ...ask if they were punished at her house NO! we went here, there or had friends sleep over.

Single mother thing... ha ha BM pulled that one once ... I sailed into her ... when was the last time you had to get out of work, run to the school, head to the drs office, go to the market, drag the groceries in the house, go home make dinner, get homework done, get baths done, put the kids to bed, then finally take your coat off? while taking off your shoes you remembered to get the prescription at the pharmacy!! She never mentioned it again to me.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2009 at 12:42AM
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You shouldn't pay child support if kids live with you. Ridicilous.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2009 at 7:37AM
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"You shouldn't pay child support if kids live with you. Ridicilous."

I agree but if we try to take it to court she will fight us and then try and play keep away with the kids. So, we would end up fighting that and we just dont have that kind of money right now.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2009 at 7:57AM
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I'm no expert on CS at all, but are there any measures you can take via the court to ensure at least that the CS you're sending her is in fact going directly to the kids' interests? Like an order that a specific amount be put into a fund for doctor/healthcare costs or a college savings or something specific like that?

    Bookmark   February 25, 2009 at 9:04AM
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I also don't know much about c/s but I think serenity has a good idea. I'm sorry this is such an overwhelming situation for you.

What does your DH say?

I totally agree that if BM is going to be an almost absent parent, she is giving up decision-making rights, particularly, like you said, when it comes to school. If YOU and DH are doing all the work, and bearing all the responsibility, then you get more of a say-so in how things go.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2009 at 9:53AM
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What state do you live in? Our attorney (in CA) told us that once SD was actually living here primarily for a period of time (even if the custody order says 50/50) it would be easier to go to court and ask that the 'actual' arrangement be made the order instead of what is 'on paper'. When BM moved away, our attorney suggested we leave the written order at 50/50 and pay the child support, even though we had SD. Then, after SD was settled in school here and had lived here for a few months, we could take it back to court to get the order changed to reflect the true situation. Once a child is settled into a stable environment/situation, the courts are reluctant to uproot the child just because the paper says the other parent has custody. In our case, we got LUCKY. I told DH that he should ask BM to put their agreement in writing and he said she would never sign it. I drafted it anyways and the first weekend she came to our house, he asked her if she would sign it. She didn't bat an eyelash and signed it. To be honest, I was in shock but happy she didn't throw it back in his face and refuse to sign. He submitted it to the court and it became their new order. Fortunately, he has that order because within a year, she was trying to change things... well, she started trying to change times from the first weekend. But, when he put his foot down and said she has to go by their agreement, then she tried to claim she signed under duress, she was tricked, it was fraudulent, blah blah blah....

In your situation, it may be more difficult if she lives nearby because it is possible for her to come pick up the kids and resume being custodial parent and make it difficult for dad to see kids. Have you spoken with a family law attorney in your state? Do you know what the law says regarding your situation? I think it's worth looking into. If you can document the kids live with you, either with school and/or doctor records, etc. then it may be harder for her to convince the court that dad should not be given physical custody... after all, he already has physical custody IRL, just not on paper.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2009 at 12:05PM
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we have spoken to lawyers and they basically tell us we are screwed. I have looked up law after law and it still is going to take a sig amount of money and we are looking at a huge uphill fight.

We have done things like make sure the school has our address and the lives with dad box check marked but that is of little consequence since anyone can fill one of those things out at any time and put anything we want on it. Teachers definately know that I am the involved parent... some of the students moms dont even realize I am not their BM until I or someone else clarifies it for them. We have tried the get her to sign something thing to at least reflect the living arrangment and she was all fire and brimstone that someone was out to get her and she wasnt signing anything ... blah blah blah.

We could go to a mediator instead of court but even that starts at 500.00 with a min of 100.00 per hour based on how long it takes to agree (and that was the cheapest we could find) but she doesnt want to have to pay for any of that and knowing her the price will rack up quickly.

DH is more upset about it than I am at times. He gets into ruts every now and again.. just all around angry at the situation and her and how much he hates her and so on and so on. I usually get frustrated when he takes it too far and tell him he is the one that got us into this situation. He signed the papers. He knew who she was. I certainly wasnt the one who got us here... so now we just have to suck it up and make the best of situation until we can change it.

But, then I am on here complaining so who am I to talk :-)

    Bookmark   February 25, 2009 at 5:29PM
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In the county I live (Kent, MI)the Friend of the Court paid for mediation - check in to it, all I had to do was request it. Also in my county if my son is with his father for 6 straight days then his CS is cut in half for that week. It might be the same where you live.

    Bookmark   February 28, 2009 at 8:50AM
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