I honestly dont know what to do...LONG

tookie101February 16, 2010

I am really trying to be the bigger person but my husbands bm is driving me insane. She does little things like calls the house and if i answer she will either hang up the phone, put their son on the phone (he is 8 and doesnt have this telphone thing down quite well, so it takes a minute to get information out of him) or she starts out the conversation "is he there"? REALLY, where did this woman get her manners. I usully dont say anything just hand the phone over to dh. Also when she drops their son off at our house if I come outside to retrieve him,she WILL NOT let him leave the car, AND she continues to blow the horn until dh comes to the door! She also likes to make plans for their son to go to friends (in her neighborhood)events like bday parties on our weekend. When i comment on her disrespect, or ask him to talk to her i usually am greated with rolling of the eyes and sucking of the teeth and a comment on how crazy she is, but nothing else is said or done until the next instance of disrespect. My wish was that he would handle this since i really dont have to deal with her. But he refuses. He has even had the nerve to tell me that i should be more understanding of her behavior since it is only because she isnt over him! Ladies,(and gents) I think I am a patient woman but even Job wouldnt put up with this nonsence. I use to say to myself that when it really mattered he would prove that his loyalty was to me. Well that delusion was shattered when she again did something totally rediculous and inmature and i made a remark (the first Ive ever made) and dh let into me, yelling, swearing and hung up the phone on me. I tried to explain to him how offended i was about the fact that he defended another woman over me and it was to no avail. Needless to say my marriage is in turmoil, we are now separated (soon to be in counseling) but i dont know if this marriage/relationship was ever a good idea.

I must add that my children havent seemed to warm up to him in the 4years we have been together.

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I am so sorry to hear about your stress. And god knows, that is the mild way to put it. It sounds very much like your dh is actually enjoying the fact that she isn't over him. It also sounds as though, in the 4yrs?, you have been married, he hasn't done anything to change her view of him. As in- no longer her's. The fact that he is showing you no respect by rolling his eyes at your comments about her, obviously obsessive, behavior says more than the rest of it. If he were engaged in your relationship, he would respect your feelings, at least to the point of showing you respect to your face. He isn't even doing that. Please, tell me if I have misread the situation, but I don't see where he is doing anything to stop her behavior. I also have to say that there must be something about him to not let your children warm up to him. Is he as disrespectful of them?

As far as the phone thing- I can only suggest that if she refuses to deal with you, then you shouldn't be forced to deal with her. Caller ID, anyone? If she calls, you shouldn't be expected to answer the phone. Your dh should be told she called, whether by phone or in person, and he should return the call. Especially with him not being willing to deal with her irrational behavior, he should be the only one to deal with it.

One question- how is your relationship with the child? That can affect how he looks at things, too.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 12:20AM
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Thanks peanutmom for your reply. In answer to your questions; we are only married for 7 months and living together for the remainder of the 4 years, and its been this constant battle (at least on my part) to identify myself as the "woman in his life". I see, and agree (now that you mention it) that he is getting some sort of pleasure from the ex not being over him. You hit the nail on the head, so to speak, about my children not liking him because of his disrespect towards us all. Now i must say that our situation is a little different than most. This is my second marriage; my first husband is deceased(they were all pretty young when he passed, but old enough to remember: 5,7,12). This is my dh first marriage. He is a passive aggressive personality with some big time control issues. He believes that I codle my kids, and that they are mommas boys (i am not proud of that, but will admit to it). I do get along with his son (he is a good kid), inspite of how dh and bm behave. the punishments for my children never fit the crime, nor are they equal to punishments (or lack there of) that are handed out to ss for the same behavior, i think he may be overcompensating for only being able to get his son on the weekends.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 1:29AM
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I dont post on here often but I am an avid reader. Let me start by saying I hope everything turns around for you and all the kids involved. Second, please don't take this offensivly, but get out now. If after four years your children still arent comfortable with him and he is still acting like a "strutting rooster", things obviously arent going to change. You said you feel you know what a therapist will say, then I think deep down you know what the right choice is. When there is so much turmoil involved sometimes it's best to just remove yourself and your children from the source. Again, hope all turns out well for everyone involved.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 12:19PM
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what jacks mom said.

Your children will grow up, & you can't replace their childhoods.

Get them into a better place & let this guy strut his empty life away without involving you & yours.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 12:39PM
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is it just me or there are more and more posts about awful marriages and terrible husbands? like every day new thread opens up? and women ask what should they do (when it is obvious)

...if people have no children then it is up to them to stay in bad marriages or not, but why women with children stay with bad men is beyond me...i never understood choosing men over children.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 6:59PM
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First, let me say, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your first spouse. Second, please understand that you need to take care of yourself and your children first.

I agree with the need to get out if you know that he is passive- aggressive and has control issues. I can speak from experience when I say, "get ready to get out and do it all at once". If you give him an inch it will only change for a little while, just long enough to reel you in and then it will go back and build even more. If I am reading this correctly, you have no children together. It is time to go. Find a safe place to be and don't be afraid to ask for help.

It is common, not right or fair, but common for parents to favor their birth children. Read my post(this might be a long one). Just acknowledging that we all have issues. It is hard to understand when you have good kids why the other parent finds it so hard to deal with them being so attached to you. It is only natural for your kids to be attached to you, considering the death of your spouse. You are still trying to find a way to deal with it, but you know there is none. I was in your shoes in my first marriage. It doesn't get better- it will get worse. I hate to put it so harshly, but if you can get out sooner than later, you will minimize the damage to your children's emotions. Right now, they can't or won't verbalize it, but they can't understand why you are living this way. I can tell you none of us are perfect or have the right to tell anyone how to live, or not live, as the case may be, but you know in your heart and gut what is right for you and your children. Please, take care, and when you make your choice- act on it swiftly to see yourself outside of his realm of influence so you don't end up hurting even worse.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2010 at 10:31PM
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I completely agree with everything peanutmom said. She is right that this will only get worse... and I'm pretty sure you know it's true too.

I would only add that there are organizations who can help you get out safely. Use them. I know it's hard to ask for help but if you are unsure how he will respond then ask for help. Men can change, and situations greatly worsen, if they know you are leaving. Take whatever steps you need to take to ensure you all will be safe. And, then for the sake of you and your children... don't look back. Just remember that what you live with today is what your children grow up thinking is normal. You can give them a better life.

Take care of yourself & your kids!

    Bookmark   February 17, 2010 at 4:45AM
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I agree with all here, but let me add that you should try to make sure your financial issues are as quickly as possible. If he has control issues, you could find that he empties your accounts the minute you leave. See if you can find a way to protect your assets NOW. See a lawyer for advice if you can, without him knowing. The organizations that can help you get our safely can also give you advice about this.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2010 at 1:19PM
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Jacks Mom should post more often!

Ditto on what Cap said about the finances issue.

I'm not going to comment about the rest because I completely agree with what the others had to say although I will comment on the loyalty issue. If that was the ONLY issue (which of course it is NOT and, in actuality, is only minor considering the other issues at hand), my opinion would be that men can be really obtuse and just not understand the first 100 times you tell them how you're feeling! My husband was the same way until that time when he volunteered my services to BM without consulting me -- maybe it was the murderous glint in my eyes or the fire coming out of my ears but he finally figured it out!! There have been a couple of relapses over the years but for the most part he really tries and I had to learn to forgive some of his transgressions!! Only some though!!!

    Bookmark   February 20, 2010 at 12:20AM
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