pot calling teh kettle black

gerinaJanuary 1, 2012

Haven't posted in a long time. Something popped up w/eldest SD (late 20's) and I posted it as a "try to let it go" on Thurman's post, but the more I try to let it go, the more I think about it.

The skinny - SD spent xmas eve with her mom's family and xmas with her mom (always been like this since she was a child). She didn't have Monday off and works full time. She finally came over to our house on Friday night, after work, to exchange gifts. Immediately upon entry into our house, she blurted out, "You're the only person that I don't have a gift for because I ran out of money. I will get you something after I get my next check." I didn't know who she was speaking to until she handed DH his gift. It was really awkward and I didn't know what the heck to say. I think she thinks she will get something, but knowing how she is, it isn't going to happen. I certainly don't need anything, and I wouldn't want her to spend her last nickel on me, but... This incident, just like when my mother died, and she told her dad in an email to give me her condolences - kind of feels like she has no regard for me. Am I reading more into this than I should or would some of you folks feel the same way?

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No, my younger s-kids (adults) do stuff like this all the time. It doesn't bother me so much anymore because I'm just past the point of giving a crap and really want to keep it cordial for DH's sake. But it used to be really hurtful since I do most of the shopping and try to put a lot of thought into their gifts. To be treated like nothing you do matters really hurts. But don't worry. After awhile your heart will harden a bit (a good thing) and you wont even care. I pretty much see them only a few times a year and they never ever get my DH so much as a card, even for his birthday. Nothing you can do about it, so let it go.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2012 at 3:54AM
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I did read your posting in Thurman's thread about the coat. I sat here thinking 'wow, that is either one very self absorbed young lady or one very cold hearted witch'. Not familar really with the backstory so I suppose it could be a combination of the two. But to open your present to her first (even wear it in front of you all evening because she so liked it)...I can see where you'd have every mixed emotions and trouble just letting it roll off. It was as if you didn't even exist except for what you can do for her.

It was indeed just rude and inconsiderate on the woman girl's part...that's right, these were actions of a little girl in women's clothing. Whether she were a neighbor, close associate or your SD, it's not actions of a grown up adult. It showed extreme 'me me me' and/or at the least very poor social skills. As an adult she could have handled it differently if she have just given the event a bit of thought.

No, no one would expect her to spend her last 'nickel' and perhaps not have funds left to meet her rent ect. But a bit of creative forethought on her part could have been exercised. If she had x amount of funds available, why blow it on one present specifically centered on one person at a home you're being hosted at. A gift card to Dad's favorite eating place presented as a joint gift to the host/hostess would have at least shown appreciatation and acknowledgement. Something more from the heart could have been as simple as putting a dish in the crockpot pre work and bringing dinner all cooked and ready to enjoy (after informing host/hostess of the plan). One does not necessarily have to have a bunch of money to show appreciation/acknowledgement, all they need is to put their heart and mind into it.

A sign of appreciation/acknowledgement no matter how small goes much farther than a handful of gifts. I always told my kids when they were first starting out and things could be tough, that there was more to being a 'family' than running to the mall and buying gifts. That 'family' comes from the heart and it means more to use your heart and your thoughts to express yourself than your wallet.

I remember one year when now ex DIL got up at the crack of dawn and cooked the ham and turkey she had received as holiday from her workplace. I knew beforehand she was going to do this. DS and DIL showed up just before dinner with the present of their time and efforts and all I had to do was slice and serve. Their gift to the family that year was the meat on the table, cooked and delivered. It was very enjoyable and I got to sleep in a wee bit longer that Christmas morning because I didn't have to do the main course. There was plenty of turkey and ham left for several casseroles and sandwich lunch food for the week...I have to admit I was thrilled with their gesture and their time and effort it took.

I'm sure you do feel a bit slighted and hurt. I am sure too though that your husband appreciated your time and effort for his sake...perhaps you can begin to think of it as what Cat said. You didn't do it for the SD, you did it for your husband. Odds are no one can change this grown woman at this point in her life, but you managed to give your husband the gift of your 'heart' by getting through the event and handling it with grace.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2012 at 9:53AM
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Thanks for the responses Cat & Just. I have actually learned a lot from Cat's situation and I am usually able to turn the other cheek. I think I mostly did that this time, or at least while the event was unfolding, but then I got to thinking about Thurman's and IMA's posts, and found myself thinking about it quite a bit. She is extremely selfish. I tried to not take it personally, but maybe it really is personal and I don't want to be a idiot. You know????

DH was just as dumbfounded as me when she first made her comment. I know he didn't know which one of us was excluded from her list but he immediately got up and handed her her share of the xmas money that his dad sent down for all of us. He said, "Now you have money." He was tactful about it and, unfortunately, she didn't get the hint. She then handed him his gift, he opened it and she began opening hers. My phone rang while she was opening her her gifts and I excused myself. I imagine that DH was both hurt and embarrassed by her actions.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2012 at 12:00PM
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