meandparadiseJanuary 26, 2003

Why is it that some of you step-mothers or step-fathers feel the need to call your step-sons or step-daughters YOUR kids?

You do not raise them. You watch them maybe 4 days out of a month.

I would never in my life time try to pretend to be raising my step-son.

It's great that SOME step-mothers and step-fathers out there can be wonderful role models for their step-children. They also know that there is a difference between REAL and STEP mothers and fathers. They don't try to over step their bounders.

My soon to be husband knows his role in my sons life and would never step on the toes of my sons father even though sometimes he should. He is so supportive of my son and a great role model for my son and his own son. The boys are both treated with fairness and knows that the real parents and the step parents all love them.

The boys are not taught to hate or be angry with the other parents for what-ever reasons.

If the boys have a problem with the other parent they are taught to talk about it.

I find my son afraid to talk to his father about anything and I bring that up to the father to try to talk to his son and he blows it off. Sad but true. He would say he will get over it and leave it at that. So that leaves my son feeling angry, sad, confused.

It's also sad that my son will cry how his daddy loves his other son and step-son more. Why? Because it took his daddy 5 years to get involved with him. Why 5 years? Hmmmmm new wife has a child and he has to now play good daddy and I will see you on a regular bases. Not fair to the child but then again we have step-mom saying her 3 kids when she only has 2. So does that mean my child is left there on daddies weekends with step-mom? For step-mom to take care of him? Where is daddy? What a joke!!!!

So step-mom and dads before you call your step-child your kid make sure you have more then 4 days out of the month with him.

So instead of gloating in here what a wonderful life you have, remember all the fights you already had and how many times you have kicked him out of YOUR house before you come in here posting about paradise. Remember you have 2 kids and a step-son. Instead of you trying to play daddy to my son maybe you need to teach him that he has a 6 year old that needs to bond with him and its not all about you and your kids. I'm sure your kids are the world to you, but don't you think it is selfish on your husbands part to really bond with the new baby and his step-son and forget he has a child that he will not give that opportunity to bond with? He has pawned my son off to the girl-friends and the wives to take care of when he does see him.

How dare you gloat in here what a wonderful husband you have. What a wonderful father he is. When he starts being a father to his OLDEST son and bonds with him and stops complaining about $50.00 a week he pays then maybe I will consider what a.......guys he is.

You are not in paradise you are caught in a fairy tale and all fairy tales have an ending. You do not have it great because you have tossed his butt out how many times? How many times have you guys faught in front of the kids? More then what my son needs to hear and has to pull his step-brother in the other room so he can't hear. Shame on you guys.

So the daddies saying is "GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE" get real!!

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sorry this was to step-moms and dads but I had to direct some of this to a special someone out there. Tah Tah have a great day. Hugs and

    Bookmark   January 26, 2003 at 9:04PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Me and paradise,
I have a few suggestions for you that worked for a friend. First of all why not switch weekends here and there. See how much daddy is willing to see his son or is it for convience. Does he have him during the week? Does he pick him up? If not this should all be written down and strictly enforced by you. Maybe step mom does not know that he is supposed to be picking up his child once a week. Alot of men have alot of things they forget to mention when it comes to their kids or ex's. I am sure I can get a second on that one. As far as the 50.00 per week does this guy work at Burger King? I would start to make copies of all the things for your child and send copies to him and his new wife. Ask them for payment. A real man will want to take care of his children. If he chooses not to than she will see for herself that lack of responsiblity on his part. I have to give you ladies (and men that post here) credit for putting up with the nutcases that you sometimes have to deal with. Maybe the next time she answers the phone you could ask her if all 4 of you could sit down like adults and talk about the kids best interests. If for some reason you never talk to her I bet there is a reason for that and it is probably he doesnt want her to know what a deadbeat he is (sorry if he supports his child with $50.00 a week and nothing else he is a deadbeat). Dont waste your energy being frustrated. What comes around goes around. If you are a decent women and you marry a man that pays only $50.00 a week in support and nothing else (and complains about it) than you have made a poor decision on your part. The way a man treats his children tells alot about him. When he has the kind of relationship that you have described he is a loser. Be glad you are not stuck with that garbage. Either she is of his magnitude OR just blind. Sometimes we ignore things we would rather not see. This appears to be the case. Good luck..

    Bookmark   January 26, 2003 at 9:28PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The perfect life. If life was so perfect why are family function so hard to go to? So many have gone by and only the husband or wife goes. Why? Is it because words have been tossed out there and there is no respect for that person? Have you put yourself out there to be disliked? Why can't the ex's get along and help the children out? I know why because most of the time the ex hubby or boyfriends has talked so much trash about the ex to try to make themself look good.
Don't knock the ex until you see first hand what they are about.
I was made out to be the EVIL ex and the new gallyfriend found out that he was really the evil

I'm a very easy going person and don't have to sit here and tell you my life is perfect and I have lots of whatever to feel good about myself. I can tell you I do have a great guy that takes care of me and my son and OUR new baby and his son. Works hard. Comes home and spends time with the family no matter how tired he is. Pays his support on time with no complaints.
Our new baby was born last week and is still in the hospital. Born only 3 pounds and 2 months early. You want to hear what a great daddy he is. Every feeding he is up there to feed his child and to hold him, to change poopy diapers. On top of working up to 12 hrs a day. Coming home to spend time with my son and his own son and to help me out. He cooks, cleans, and we have family time together. He even has days out for just him and my son. Others days picked out for him and his son. Never once have I ever heard his ex wife bad talk him. Her and I talk and have great conversations.
So again not all ex's are evil. Enjoy.

So why is it the new girlfriends or boyfriends(wives and hubbies)have to believe and carry on like children about the ex's. I post in here because a new wife complained and carried on about some things and I feel she has no clue to what she is saying. He has talk trash and she fell for it...

Good day and God Bless

    Bookmark   January 26, 2003 at 9:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

stacey466 I'm not frustrated. I laugh at some of the stuff that is said. Ok all the stuff that is said.
As for daddy seeing son. He is suppose to be picking him up one day durning the week for a couple of hours and NEVER showed up once. He gets him every other weekend and shows up late and returns him late. Eveything is documented. As for Burger King. I'm a full time mother my hubby pays for all, child support goes to sons clothing and such. So that means my income alone is $200.00 a month in support but we went to court and it was worked out that I make more money then he does. He told the courts that he has not been working and his wife supports him. He is a sorry case and she is more sorry to support him.
I have a real man now. He takes care of us all. Great guy.
As for her answering the phone won't happen I can't even get him to answer the phone when I need to talk to him about his son. Never returns the phone call.
As for sitting down and talking. That would put him on the spot. I have tryed talking to him about our son but he blows it off. If he really cared yes he would at least do that but never has and he never will. Tryed it over and over again with him. Agree on the deadbeat dad part. Took him 5 years to even start seeing his son every other weekend. Most of the time he is dropping my son off at the wives or girlfriends house. Wants to know why his son don't want to go with him. Hmmmmmm go figure. Well enough of this crazyness. My hubby makes up for what his dad can't give him.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2003 at 9:51PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

jeezz..glad I am not tied to that! I am sure that he puts on a good front. I cant imagine any women with children and a brain seeing a man not supporting his child and not doing was he is supposted to and staying with him unless he puts up a good front. If he told courts she is supporting him and that is the truth I bet he is a butt kissing man!! lol. My next suggestion since you cant talk to her directly is just show up you and your guy and say you would like to sit down and talk about your child. What are they going to say no? If they have the best interest of the child they would more than be willing to sit down with you. Dont be surprised that she might be a noncaring ding bat with a million excuses of why this and why that. No one is going to come out and say Yeah my man is a loser and a deadbeat! Will not luck to you. Keep us posted. I would contact the courts and tell deadbeat that he will be picking him up during the week as stated. If not take him to court.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2003 at 10:03PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'll only address one of your statements.

Why do I call my step-daughter MY kid? For many reasons. But let's get one thing straight -- I am not trying to replace her REAL Mom. No, I'm not. When introducing ALL of our kids, I never use the word "step" or "half" ... people we don't know do not really need to know the complicated dynamics of our lives. Our relatives and close friends know who is who, not that it matters much. Second, I don't segregate them. That would be hurtful. They are OUR kids. Not yours or mine. I may get frustrated with my SD's antics, but I try to be fair, reasonable and loving to all of them. And even though she is with us only 94 days each year, I want her to feel HOME, not like a visiting distant relative.

And you know what? When my SD introduces me and her Dad, she says "these are my parents" ... And yes, she calls me "mom" now and then. And nobody asked her to do that, not once.

Do I feel bad or guilty about calling my SD "my kid". Not one bit. If her BM has a problem with that, too bad. That would tell me she's so insecure she is threatened by a name, and that's not MY problem.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2003 at 2:14AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

mom 2 4

I agree to what you are saying but this certain person is tossing it out there to be a smarta$$. I'm glad she can see my son part of her family and takes good care of him but do not over step you boundries. My son would NEVER call his step-mom or step-dad mom or dad. I don't agree with that one bit. He has 1 mom and 1 dad. Unless you gave birth to that child with out the BM knowing then you are the STEP-PARENT.
There is no insecurities here. My son knows who is who. Again you did not give birth to this child, you do not pay support to have this child call you mom. I never in my 30 years have ever called my step-dad DAD. He has raised me like his own but I have respect for my BF to not ever do that to him.
That is great that there is a bond between SM or SD and SS or SD and the BM or BF could never be replaced unless it was a more of an abusive situation where the other parent was not involved.
I give credit to the SM to be there for my son, but isn't that also for the father to do? Why isn't the father there? I'm sure you wouldn't like your child to be calling the other women MOM or the other man to be called DAD.Theres a line you draw and to let your Step child call you mom I feel is completley wrong. Again unless the other parent was not involved. I would never let my son call his step-dad dad because he has a dad. Not a great father but he has one and that is the only person that will be called dad.
I have a step son who was told to call his step-dad dad and it's insane. Do you know how it makes his BF feel to hear his son calling his step-dad dad? SS sitting down telling us something about home and he says my dad did this today. That floors the BF. He picks him up every weekend and spends time with him, calls him durning the week to see how he is doing at school. Just to hear him call the Step-dad DAD. Yes the other parents have to work and do what they can and not able to see their children all the time but that does not give the Step-parents the right to have that title. They are there yes to bond and take care of the child like one of their own when they are there but also know the differnce in their role from the BP. My son is blessed to have so many people around him that love him and can care of him. None of the kids should be treated different but some are.Example:
My sons step brother has a big old B-day party and what does my son get? A tiny b-day party that his father did not invite his whole family to. My son cryed that night and said no one showed up for his party. Why? because Dad decided not to call everyone until last minute to invite them, but they made sure everyone was there for her childs party. My concern is for my son. Don't toss it in his face how daddy is there for the other kids and not him. It does hurt the child. He may not tell them because he is afraid he will get in trouble. Don't sit and brag what a great father he is to his newborn when he can't bond with his oldest. I will say I'm mad because this little happy go-lucky boy is missing his father and needs his father to bond with him. My son is angry because he sees his dad doing more with the step child and his other baby. It hurts him and I have to try to comfort him and let him know that they live with them and they do get to see him more but daddy loves him as much as the other kids if not more. I have to lie and tell him daddy is busy working when daddy don't show up or is late coming to get him. That is not far to my son. My sons father is suppose to pick him up one day out of the week for a couple of hours to spend some time with him but never has. Weekends he is always late and I could easly say you missed your time to pick him up so see you in 2 weeks. I would never do that because my son needs to bond with his dad and then I would be holding him back from doing that. There is going to be a day that I am going to say HEY YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO BE HERE AT 5 AND ITS NOW 7 SORRY BUT YOU DON"T GET HIM. The only person that is getting hurt here is my son while the step-mom sits in here gloating what a good daddy her hubby is to his new baby and his step-son. She has never posted what a good daddy he is to his oldest son.(my son) All the time he spends with him. How my sons eyes light up when he sees his daddy. You know why because it don't happen like that. My son crys I don't want to go to dads this weekend, mom tell him for me if I do he will get mad at me. Why does my son do that? Because his dad never bonded with him and I don't think he ever will. Don't get me wrong he ends up having fun there because step-mom does fun things with them.(the kids)Dad needs to step up and be a dad to his oldest, show him that he is important.
Let it be know also when things get tough over there and daddy gets tossed out again he will not be there for his son. His son will be forgotten again. Many times when his relationships didn't work out he stopped seeing his son. My son is a SHOW-N-TELL to his dad. He is trying to act as if he is a good dad to his son. always has been. I say HA to that. 5 years it took him to see his son, only because his now wife has a kid so he has to make himself look good.

So again you are the step-parent be the step-parent and treat them all fair but don't cross that line.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2003 at 9:49AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Tina and Heather:

You both seem very angry and frustrated. If you would like to talk to me, one on one, about these issues, I would be happy to do so. My Yahoo email address is linked to this site, just go to my member page and click on "send me an email." We can talk via email or you can suggest a time and place.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2003 at 12:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well first off I am a STEP MOM.. And I do raise MY Child.
Maybe I didnt deliever her out of my womb. But I do love her. I do everything a BM would do. I get so sick of hearing all these complaints about step parents. Why dont you guys appericate people like me and many others out there doing not what we have to but choose to. I dont have to love her, care for her. Stay home from work with her when shes sick. I do it because I love her. I think sometimes some people in these forum get hung up on too little of issues. My Dh and I have our Child full time . Her BM has little or no time for her BIOLOGICAL Child. You act as if us step parents are taking something from you. A child is not a thing. A child never ask to be born. A child is a blessing from God. If a child is well cared for and wants for nothing who cares if that child loves that step parent? Why do you care if a child referres to a step parent as a mother or father? I think sometimes when Bm gets upset with Sm its only because they can see the error of there way and they dont like it. I mean are you really gonna blame yourself? Be honest for a change and look in the mirror. Life is too short to fight. Being mad solves nothing. Appericate the fact ... That step parent unless they abuse your child can be a good thing. I have never heard a criminial say too many people loved me. I have heard a lot say.. no one loved me. my opinion kristad

    Bookmark   January 27, 2003 at 12:39PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Lets take a step back. Have I not posted that she is doing a great job with my son. I also said the father needs to get involved with my son. It's more the father then her. Like you said as long as the child is being taken care of. I believe she takes good care of my child when he is there. I want to know why all these wives and ex's have to take care of the step child and not the father. Why does the father get away with it? I get along great with the other 2 exs the father has had and I have no problem with the new wife only when she sits here a gloats about how much support she has from him with their new baby. Why has the oldest son been put off for 5 years? Why can he be a father to her kids and not his own? Is that fair to my 6 year old? How would you like it knowing your son is treated different from the other kids? How would you feel knowing your ex is only seeing your son because the wife has kids and he needs to prove something to her? My son does and did great in the 5 years his dad was not around. Yes it gets me when she (wife) gloats about him(ex) and the other kids because my son is the one hurting here. Fights that he don't want to see his dad when it's time for him to go for the weekend. That kills me. It's not the child support its not the trips they take or what they claim to have. It's how my son feels. It's the look in his eyes when he knows daddy is going to be here shortly to pick him up. I can care less on what they have or what they do because what they are not doing is having dad bond with his son. They don't see how much this child is hurting inside. I would love to see him glow when he knows dad is coming to get him. I would love to see this great bond a father and son should have. I don't think I ever will just because it has to start with dad talking, holding, playing with his son.
I have never denided my son from his father. His father and I didn't make it because it was my choice to end it. Because I ended it with his father didn't mean I ended it with him and his son. My sons father denided him because of a reason I will not talk about here. He begged me to come back to him and be a family. I will not be with someone just because I was carrying his child. I gave him ever oppuritunity to see his son and be a part of his life and all he did was see him when his family and ex got on his butt to see him. When he did pick him up he would drop him off at the g/fs house and he went and did whatever. How fair is that for my son? Like I said before it is and was always SHOW-N-TELL. A family gathering OH NO I HAVE TO SHOW UP WITH MY SON. Last minute phone ringing. Asking can I pick him up in a 1/2 hr? My reply sure that would be great.Thinking ok this is good he is seeing his son just to find out it was because of a family gathering and the family wanted to see the baby...If the family would have not said anything he would have never picked his son up.(with help from the at the time g/f)

So I carried on long enough. I do not believe all step parents are bad. I was raised by a great step-dad. I help take care of my step-son knowing you can't replace a mother. I know of horrible step-parents. I know my son is being taken care of but he needs to know that his dad loves him. It hurts to hear how angry and sad a little guy can get.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2003 at 1:12PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hey Tina is that you?
HMmmmmmm Coffee anyone?

    Bookmark   January 27, 2003 at 1:13PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well said Kristad. You are absolutely right when you say that steparents (most) do this because we love our (step) children. I also refer to my stepkids as my kids, especially when I am introducing them to someone and when people ask me how many kids I have, I say 4, not 2 bio and 2 step. My stepdaughter told me once how great it made her feel when I introduced her as my daughter. My boys also tell people about their brother or sister, not step. This is what merging a family is all about. It doesn't mean that you can't execute discipline based on bioparents. My husband and I try very hard to try to make it as seamless as possible, to the outside world, they are all our kids. We also try extremely hard to apply the same rules to all the kids. Sometimes it is hard based on the other parent.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2003 at 2:13PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I too have a bonus daughter. That's how I think of her. She's 10 years old and her little sister (my bd) is 5. Her mother left the state for a couple of years and we could not find her but when we did and got visits back I would sometimes catch the way she would look how I interacted with her sister 2 at the time and she would smile. One day she asked me while I was braiding her hair if she could call me Mum. I didn't know what to say. I know the way her mother feels about me from the horrible things she's done falsely accusing me and Dh of sexually abusing her having him falsley arrested for domestic violence because when we tried to drop her off one day when She was 2 there was no one there but some drunk passed out on the couch. Empty containers every where and we were just leaving when she pulled up drunk and grabbed the baby and Dh starting yelling at her. Yeah some not so nice things were said but he never touched her but her word against his. So I tried to discourage it but all the little girl said was she calls her moms boyfriend Dad and she loves me and the things we do together.
I will not hurt her feelings. I'm sure she will grow out of it but in the mean time it makes her feel like she belongs which she so does. I wish we could have her more but she lives 3 hrs away and her Mom has no car and Dh gets discouraged with the driving. I have gone to pick her up a few times but she got sick of seeing my face and threatened me, so now DH goes but not alone, can't trust her sad but true. So you see there are always two sides to a story and no two families are alike. Just remember you can make anyone a father but it takes someone special to be a Daddy.
Good luck and I hope your son's father comes around because he's really missing out on alot. JMHO

    Bookmark   January 28, 2003 at 3:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

This is a touchy subject and I can understand BM's taking offense to SM's calling their Step Children "Our kids or My kids" especially in certain situations. However, I think it should depend on the individuals involved and we shouldn't make any generalization's when it comes to blended family issues.. because they are all different. In my case I am the custodial Step Mom of my husbands three children- and while I know I could never replace their mother.. ( She lives around the corner and we have a very amicable relationship), I do often refer to them as my children, or our children. Especially that I am the one who is home with them most of the time. I also agree with whoever said that its not the world's business what our family dynamic is.. so most of the time I introduce the children as our children or my children and likewise the kids do the same when they are refering to our home and their dad and I, they say "my parents" they dont say my dad and my stepmom. Even if they did , I wouldnt take offense, its all a matter of what is most comfortable for them. Now when I am talking to their teachers, doctors, counselors.. then I do have to explain the children's living arrangements and that I am their Step Mom...In a way BM's should be glad that Step Mom's regard their children as their own.. it is a compliment and for some of us who do not have children of our own.. it is a blessing that we are very thankful for, whether we are custodial step-mom's , visitation step mom's, whether we spend months or days with your child.. be glad that we care for your children and would do everything in our power to make their world and their home a better place. My kids BM never makes me feel bad for loving or caring about her children. She welcomes it and I am glad.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2003 at 12:03PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I fully agree with bnangel's post. I call my stepdaughter my daughter. I've been in her life since she was 3, and we have a wonderful relationship. Her mom and I get along well.

I've never felt comfortable calling her "step" - it seems to diminish her in some way IMO. BTW, my stepdaughter *beams* when I introduce her as my daughter. She sends me Mother's day cards that say mom, not stepmom, with her mom's blessing.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2003 at 12:21PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have a 9 year old SS and I have been his weekend caretaker for 7 years now. I want to scream when I read some of these posts from BM's who say we do not have the right to call our step-children our own because we did not "give birth" to them. Well, let me say one thing, ANY woman can give birth but it takes a mom to care for and nurture a child for 7 years and counting that she did not have any part in creating. BM says she wants us to treat her child like "one of our own" when we have them. Why should we with that kind of attitude? We as SM are not their mom, we did not give birth to them remember, so they are not "one of our own". How about we as SM's treat your precious child as soemone elses child and not give them the love, support and nurturing they need? Then if we did that we would be bad mouthed for treating your child like a "red headed stepchild" and not equal to the children we "gave birth" to. Instead we are bad mouthed for sharing YOUR title as mom. Also, using the titles "real mom" and "step mom" are degrading. I assure you I am a "real" person and I spend "real" time taking care of a child I did not "give birth" to, what do you do with steps? You walk on them. I guess in the grand scheme of things that is what BP's do to us , they walk on us because WE are not "real" except when they want a weekend out, need money, have to work or need a scapegoat as to why THEIR child is the way they are. I know I did not give birth to my SS, all the more reason for SM's to be respected. We did not make the child yet, we take on the responsibility of helping care for the child. If it were not for SM, you would have to pay a babysitter when you want a weekend out. Count your blessings "real" moms and stop acting as if you alone heve to carry the burden of raising YOUR child. Do not treat us as second rate citizens if you want us to continue to give YOUR child first rate care when they are with us.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2007 at 4:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Why would a mother want a stepmother to take care of her child at all? When the child is with the father EOW, HE is supposed to be taking care of him or her - not his wife, his girlfriend, or even his parents. The parents have right of first refusal - if he is too busy to take care of his own children, the mother should be notified so she can take them home.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2007 at 7:57AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

theotherside, In response to your question: "Why would a mother want a stepmother to take care of her child at all?" Because this is what happens in many families. The step parent (step mother or step father) alot of times ends up taking care of the child in various ways (emotionally, finacially, physically). Many times this happens because the bio parent does not do their part or can't because they have to be at work part of the time to support the family. Maybe many bio moms/fathers don't want the step parent helping out with their child but there is no other way to have the child with them unless the step parent helps out and in some cases the bio parent wants the step parent to take the child so they the bio parent have free time, support the child fiancially so they the bio parent can use their money for what they want, want the child/children living with the step parent and the other bio parent so they can enjoy a more care free life without children around.

In my situation the bio mom was more than happy we had the step kids live with us and we were there for them when they needed emotional and financial support. She did not want them living with her. Bio mom was more than happy to have the step kids on my health insurance. She would not put her kids on her health insurance. Bio mom was more than happy we financially supported the kids with all there needs (cars, car insurance, cell phones, food, necessities, etc.). She helped with nothing.
The only thing bio mom did want is that the kids shouldn't like me or thank me for anything. That I was no one. That the kids should not appreciate me in anyway. Thats all she cared about.

So there are some situations where the bio mom could care less about their kids but are so jealous of the step moms/fathers. So the bio parents don't give the kids the right to love their stepparent or care about them. They make the kids feel guilty if they like their step parent. The bio parent suggest negative ideas about the step parent to the kids. I am living proof of such a situation. Their are many different blended family situations no one situation is the same.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2007 at 10:00AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It seems to me the NCP should be able to manage to take care of his own kids EOW without having to leave them with the stepmother. If he is not going to be there, then what is the point of having them come visit? They would be better off at home with the custodial parent. No sensible custodial parent would depend on the NCP to take care of the kids while she worked, because the NCP is free to not exercise visitation any time he wants at the last minute, or show up hours later than promised.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2007 at 5:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Yes, TOS, but the world is full of people who are not sensible. The world is also full of mothers who don't give a toss about their children and are happy to give custody to the father, who may have to rely on his partner (the children's stepmother) to care for his children while he works. You seem to assume that all mothers live for their children- guess what? Not all of them do. In an ideal world they would, but this is not an ideal world.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2007 at 10:44PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

After reading all of the above posts I just have to wonder...what must it be like for THESE CHILDREN to have to ask their stepparent if they can call them mom or dad? What is it like for THESE CHILDREN to be introduced as step or half or my husband's/wife's kid? I am quite certain of one thing-it is so dang hard to be a kid these days. It is so dang hard to try to fit in at school, in sports, let alone two different households. How must they feel? How alone or how confused? Why not just do what makes them comfortable?
I personally have no experience with stepparents. My own parents have been married for 32 years. However, my mom has experience with every type of HORRIBLE stepparent that has ever lived. Her stepmother used to make HER daughters peanut butter and jelly and made my mom and her sisters freakish cheap lunchmeat sandwhiches. She burned all the baby pictures of my mom an her sisters and did absolutely unspeakable things I won't even mention. And do you know what she told me when I started dating a man with kids? She said, "I never wanted to be a stepmom because of my experiences as a kid. But I made a decision very early on that if I were ever to become a stepmom, I was going to be the best damn one that ever lived!"
So here I am, and I'm going to be the best damn stepmom that ever lived. And if my stepkids are more comfortable being introduced as 'my kids' or if the day comes when they want to call me mom, or whatever have you, I'm going to do my best to make them feel good.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2007 at 12:45AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I know their are uncaring mothers out there, but the original poster is a custodial mother who sounds like she is devoted to her child. There is no reason in such a case for a stepmother to be in the position of caring for her child during the few days a month the child is visiting the father.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2007 at 8:56AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My reaction as BM is that if x cant be there for her, then no visit. Fortunately I live close enough that if there is a change of plans, she can call me and I will pick her up. X has learned -- visitiation time is for him and child.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2007 at 9:06AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I fully understand and appreciate the frustration of meandparadise especially if the only time that the "daddy" has his son ... the son's time is strictly being spent with the wife/gf (I was unclear of which she was) with no actual quality time with the dad...

However, that being said I believe the anger in this especially the beginning of that particular post is being directed at the wrong person or persons in general.... the problem is not the step mom who is great with the ss or (in my opinion) that she has opened her heart or to accept her ss enough to say "our children"... the problem it would seem would be with the "dad"'s lack of caring in general and taking care of his own son...

I do not fully understand why I consistantly read posts with people so bent on side lining step parents or putting up barriers between children and the people in the children's lives... I don't know but it seems to me there is no such thing as too many people loving and caring for a child .... I know there is a different situation for each family but if only adults could be adults and just let the children be happy and love whom ever they want to love ... without the frustrations anger and complications of the adult world looming over their entire childhood(this is more of a general statement to everyone not directed to the specific situation of meandparadise)

    Bookmark   June 4, 2007 at 11:17AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

After reading your post, i see alot of anger and frustration at your ex husband.Not the stepmom. With that title, it leaves me to believe you are just insulted of sharing the title mom. I do agree with many other posts. I'm a stepmom with a child of my own. I am real as well and i do spend 'real time' with my stepkids.
I understand your frustration at your exhubby. My hubby has a lack of attention for his kids as well and i whined up doing homework with them for the most part unless i ask him to go with one child while i help the other. I think certain type of men are lazy. Lets get real. I have to pick up after him along with the kids stuff, clean the house etec.etc...even do the garden work. Its plain LAZINESS PEOPLE...PLAIN LAZINESS. They cant' handle the stress or the responsibility of kids. Woman multi task and men do not. I've met a few men who arent lazy and are great father, husbands and lovers. God bless them, at least there is a few of them otu there! and lucky for any woman who can catch one of these men!
You said it in a second post. Stepmom does take care of your son very well and that you are angry at your ex. But please dont' confuse your anger for your exhusband with his new wife. Its not fair. We did not give birth to these children but we choose to be with them, care for them, wash their clothes, and let them lean on us for advice. The word step in stepmother doesnt' mean i should be step all over because of the person i married.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2007 at 2:29PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


With all due respect, I dont think most stepmoms choose to be with the children - they want the husband, and take the kids. That is a big difference. Many of the posts here show Stepmoms do not want the kids. I do not confuse her with X. She has no legal rights and is not a parent. In my personal situation, good news is x has finally realized her for the golddigger she is and is not getting married and is not going to put house in her name.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2007 at 2:41PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

IMO, a step parent who truly loves his/her 'acquired' children and who 'parents' them responsibly deserves the respect, admiration, and gratitude of the Bio Parent -- NOT jealousy, scorn or undermining.

My son's step mom is a peach. She does much more parenting for my son than his Bio Dad, and I'm just glad my ex had the good judgement (or dumb luck?) to marry a woman who's a much better parent than he is. So yes, there are times when I think it's good for my son to spend time with his step mom, even when Dad is nowhere to be found.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2007 at 3:52PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Even if the stepmother is a great babysitter, the child is still better off at home with his biological mother if the father is MIA.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2007 at 9:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have been divorced for about 6 years and my ex is married to a jealous woman. She is not jealous of me but of my three children ages 15,12, and 10. my ex is not allowed to spend any alone or quality time with them because she always needs top be there. He lies to my kids all the time giving them false hope that he will spend alone time with them but they get heartbroken over and over again. im the one who has to wipe their tears all the time and try to justify why daddy lied again. Now as for her its a twisted story. She has a 14 year old son who is very lucky because his dad (who by the way left her for another man, yes youre reading right A MAN )the dad of her son also lives in the same house as her and my ex in fact it is his house so her son gets to have mom dad and step dad and my kids dont even get the time of day with their dad only broken promises. She cusses me in front of the kids and also calls my kids names. I always thought that evil stepmoms was just in cinderalla but its not. im sure there are wonderful stepmothers out there and i think it is good that you can take on the responsibility of someone elses kids but what do i do in my situation especially when I have to send my kids over there to get verbally and sometimes physically abused? For them to see her sitting up late with her gay ex while their dad is in bed resting for work just tell me someone what do i do?

    Bookmark   March 15, 2009 at 4:05PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have been divorced for about 6 years and my ex is married to a jealous woman. She is not jealous of me but of my three children ages 15,12, and 10. my ex is not allowed to spend any alone or quality time with them because she always needs top be there. He lies to my kids all the time giving them false hope that he will spend alone time with them but they get heartbroken over and over again. im the one who has to wipe their tears all the time and try to justify why daddy lied again. Now as for her its a twisted story. She has a 14 year old son who is very lucky because his dad (who by the way left her for another man, yes youre reading right A MAN )the dad of her son also lives in the same house as her and my ex in fact it is his house so her son gets to have mom dad and step dad and my kids dont even get the time of day with their dad only broken promises. She cusses me in front of the kids and also calls my kids names. I always thought that evil stepmoms was just in cinderalla but its not. im sure there are wonderful stepmothers out there and i think it is good that you can take on the responsibility of someone elses kids but what do i do in my situation especially when I have to send my kids over there to get verbally and sometimes physically abused? For them to see her sitting up late with her gay ex while their dad is in bed resting for work just tell me someone what do i do?

    Bookmark   March 15, 2009 at 4:54PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
My SO suggested that I share a bed with his 11 year-old son!
For the last 3 years, I've been in a relationship with...
7 year old step son troubles please help
Hello everyone, I need some advise please. I have been...
Venting and disengaging
Since the horrible experience of my step daughter's...
To visit or not to visit
About three years ago, after many instances of being...
If I could tell mothers of adult stepchildren anything, Part 2
It seems my five-year-old topic has reached its limit...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™