Feeling a little bad about double standard...

mom2emallJanuary 21, 2010

I realized today that I have a double standard when it comes to my ex and dh's ex. I really think badly of his ex and cut my ex slack because I feel like he does try to be a good dad and for the most part has always been a pretty good dad....whereas dh's ex shows that being a mom is not important to her.

Anyways my ds has a sporting event coming up that is far from our home. My ex has been having issues with his vehicle and told me today that he did not feel like driving himself there would be a good idea because he does not know if his vehicle would survive it. He asked if it was possible to ride with me. I did not respond at first becuase I knew I should talk it over with dh. I talked to dh and he was like "no problem". Now DH will have work and not be attending the event. And he was not hesitant about saying he did not mind. So I told ex I can drive him and he was appreciative.

Now I am feeling a little guilty because if the situation was reversed I would not be comfortable with dh and his ex driving somewhere together. Maybe it is because she tried to split us up in the beginning and try to get dh to rescue her. Or maybe it is my own insecurities.

Just had to let this out because it was on my mind!

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finedreams

it is not a double standard. it is common sense: you think poorly of bad people and think nicely of decent ones-exes or not.

you probably feel this way is because there is so much drama involved with his ex and very little or no drama with your ex, that's why it feels like big deal for you if DH rides with his ex.

I suggest you don't sweat because there is very little chance BM ever rides anywhere with your DH, she is not even in the picture and is not involved, so there will be no riding to sporting events.

stop worrying and enjoy DS's event. nice that your ex is a decent dad. after reading this forum i started appreciating my ex more. too many absolutely awful parents out there.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2010 at 8:20PM
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lovehadley

Ditto FD. I don't think this is a case of a double standard.

Your ex is obviously a good parent and hasn't caused drama/trouble for you & your DH with the kids. Your DH's ex has behaved entirely differently.

It would only be a double standard if your ex was similar in behavior/issues to BM.

Don't worry at all! I think it's nice that you and your ex are able to get along and do things in the best interest of your son without DRAMA.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2010 at 8:58PM
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lamom

mom,

Double ditto here too. You don't like or trust the BM, you and Ex are working together for the good of your kids. No double standard, just different relationships with different people.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2010 at 8:11PM
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ceph

I'm also in the ditto crowd.

    Bookmark   January 25, 2010 at 10:51PM
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pseudo_mom

Thought about this thread over the weekend .... not sure how I stand on it but here goes:

This weekend took my son out driving around getting his license soon ... after we got done he was complaining about not being able to text message he is on SM's phone plan she doesn't want to pay for it ... then he says SM flipped out on her 18yoDS and threw him out told him to find a new place to live (LONG STORY drugs, stealing etc. sold his car for drugs that sm and ex are still paying on eeks but anyway) she disconnected the internet.

So son puts ex on the phone for me to talk to him and we talked about the issue at hand(text messaging/internet/etc.) and DS driving comparing kids and remembering how different the kids are just reminiscing(sp?) we must have talked for almost an hour .... his wife was not around my hubby was not around first real talk we have had in the 10 years since the split. Was like talking with an old friend more than an ex just remembering the funny things the kids did and such ..... got off the phone with the ex and DS says wow you two talked for that long ever.... guess you really don't hate each other ....

The double standard I guess ... I don't see hubby talking to his ex like that I mean if he did really not much I could do about it but my ex was not he11 bent on ruining me and badmouthing me to the kids we supported each other with the kids .... didn't try to sabotage everything with regards to the kids.....

I think someone said it not sure guess it depends on what type of person they (the ex) are just because you couldn't be married doesn't make them nasty, just not a good couple but if you couldn't stay married because they are nasty well there it is.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2010 at 11:24AM
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mom2emall

The drive was actually pleasant. Had conversation and he was friendly to my skids. It was like being with an old friend, though I think it would hurt dh's feelings if I put it that way to him. Sometimes I just feel guilty. I don't hate my ex and until I met dh we were still pretty close. To make my dh not feel uncomfortable I stopped doing bday parties for ds with my ex and his family and my family all together. I also stopped going places with my ex and ds and me. DH never said anything, but I knew it was not something I could handle if the situation was reversed with me and dh. My ex understood, but I think he was hurt. While I was in college he helped me with watching our son when I had extra classes, helped me with money when I needed extra. He threw me a college graduation party. He helped me and ds move into our first apartment and then into our first house. He was always there for me. But I knew I had to draw some kind of line in the friendship if I was going to get married to someone else. My ex actually cried when I told him I was engaged. My ex was actually really hurt when I did not invite him to my wedding.(I was thinking of inviting him but my dh said it was our day and he did not want my ex there...I totally understood)

Truth is if my ex was not my ex I would be friends with him! I have other male friends that my dh has also become friends with, but I just know that my ex will never fit in that category. Too awkward.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2010 at 12:20PM
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lovehadley

Why are you split up from your ex? LOL. Sorry, JK...kinda! He sounds like a nice guy.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2010 at 12:56PM
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finedreams

well a nice guy/girl is often not enough...even love in not always enough...

and sometimes timing is wrong or other outside issues interfere.

it would be easier otherwise wouldn't? nice people, love each other and everything is a fairy tale...doesn't work this way

    Bookmark   January 27, 2010 at 5:55AM
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mom2emall

It is a long story of why it did not work out. Truth was we were just way too young....met when I was 14 and got together when I was 15. Moved into our first apartment together and started college when I was 18. Things just moved so quick and before I knew it I was pregnant at 19 (he was a little older than me). Then he turned 21 and wanted to go to the bar all the time while I stayed home with the baby. Then he would come home drunk and being a jerk. He did what he wanted and disregarded my feelings saying that "he made the money and could do as he wished". I felt in my heart that this was not how I wanted to spend my life so one night when he came home drunk and was being a jerk I told him I was done and packed up our son and left in the middle of the night. At that point I had fallen out of love with him because I stayed so long and put up with so much. That happened to be the time where he started trying to change, but for me it was too late.

He has always apologized for his behavior and for years I know he held out hope that I would take him back. For a brief moment I had thought about it, but I stopped myself because our son was a few years old and happy and I did not want to turn his world upside down if me and my ex tried and failed again. In my mind it was better for our son to have never remembered us together and always seen us getting along as friends then see us happy together as a couple and then miserable and hating eachother.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2010 at 10:04AM
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ashley1979

Your story with your X is a lot like mine with my X. I was 16 when I met him (he had just turned 21). I got pregnant at 19, too.

Just add in that X never wanted to work (or keep a job, just like now), did drugs and got violent a few times!

But the gist of it was that I was growing up b/c I had the responsibility of the kid, and he was (what I call) growing down b/c all his buddies were getting divorced and had all their money to theirselves. It really was like he was going backwards. Parties, drugs (occasionally), and even strip clubs all while his wife and son were at home.

He's much better now, although he still wants to keep all his money and not work. His temperment is better and (by the way he's gained weight) isn't using drugs anymore. He's been with the same girl for 7+ years and (to my knowledge) has never hit her. I'm sure he learned a lot of lessons. He even congratulated DH on our engagement. LOL! Weird!

Mom2-it's not a double standard. People should be rewarded for good behavior. And because he's a good dad, you and DH find it easier to be flexible with him. It's ok to do that!

    Bookmark   January 27, 2010 at 12:17PM
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