update-SD has found her voice!
Boy has she.
So SD went to her mom's after school Thursday for the weekend. She had practice from 7-9 that night and mom was to bring her. I was at her school in a P.T.G. activity about 6:20 when I start getting texts that SD is mad at her mom, they might be late and so on. Then I get a call from SD that would be late and her mom had told her to go to hell for bugging about leaving. I tell her calm down, just get there when she could and we'd sort things out later. Then I miss a call from her mom while I'm running around, so next I get a call from DH saying to come home now as SD and BM are on the way there. I was supposed to be coaching practice at 7:00, so I call to let them know we won't be there as I'm running for home. Oh, the drama! :-)
They pull up just behind me and both stalk into the house. By now I'd listened to BM's message saying we needed to talk about 'Princess SD and her sense of entitlement and treatment of BM and family.' Fun.
So, we all sit down and they start the tale of the night. I'll try to condense the 90 minutes of back and forth into a few key points, but you can not believe how it went on. They really did argue back and for "yes you did, no I didn't, yes you did . . ." until I wanted to tell both of them to go to hell.
*BM told SD they would leave at 6:30. By 6:20 when BM was still cooking dinner SD started getting upset. I'm sure she wasn't exactly pleasant about it. By 6:30 SD was upset and mom told her to shut up and go to hell. SD called me, and BM got mad about that. SD's response - she is my coach. I have to tell her when I'm late.(this is a team rule)
*Fight continues into the car, where SD told BM she was a b!tch and she hated her. Not proud of this, but it's been building up for YEARS.
*BM decided after SD's behavior she couldn't take her to dance, so she brought her to us to talk. Though I appreciate the 'teamwork' I'm not sure what she wanted from us. I really felt like a counselor - they told their stories and then looked at me to do something . . . decide who was right? Back them each up? I don't know!! Totally uncomfortable.
*Turns out SD had calmly brought up the lessening of visitation earlier in the day to BM and BM freaked out. Said no way, and that if SD didn't love her any more she would just move to Hawaii. A very mature response. DH told BM she was out of line for that one. I do understand how this contributed to her lashing out when it came time to leave for practice though.
*We discussed the reasons behind SD's desire to cut back time, and BM still refused. BM agreed to be more open to driving SD back and forth to this neighborhood. I helped them work out a plan on how long it takes to drive here and when they should leave to make it here on time so SD wouldn't be late. Like BM couldn't have done that herself??
*SD let her mom have it. Called her out for many things that have built up over the years. Told her she couldn't trust her, didn't feel like a member of her family, didn't want to go there, felt like an unpaid babysitter, etc. To make it worse, every problem she had with BM she them said how she didn't have the same problem here. She trusts us and knows we will do what we say we will, always feels like an equal member of the family, wants to be here, we don't (and never have) made her responsible for her younger brothers, etc. When BM asked why she always calls me when she's mad at her mom SD replied "Because she's the only person I can talk to. I can't talk to you." It was really uncomfortable to be part of it - I honestly felt very badly for BM even though she was reaping all she had sown.
*We got into the baby thing, and DH voiced his displeasure. BM tried to down play SD's tasks and SD said "you're a liar - this and this and this is what I do because you are too tired or too busy. I'm not her parent - it's your job." BM just looked shocked that she was really called out . . . I almost wonder if BM didn't realize all she put on her daughter because she's just too busy worrying about herself and how 'overworked' she is. I suggested they each make a list of what the thought big sister jobs were and then parent jobs. They could then reach a common ground and each could have set expectations. BM just looked lost.
*Talked about the trip and how badly SD felt to be left out. Turns out even MORE 'immediate' family went, but not SD. BM tried to make excuses, and SD just shot them all down. It was impressive yet sad. I still don't think BM gets it though.
There was a lot more, but this is getting long. I don't know what BM wanted for an end result, but they left at least talking to each other. I was pretty much speechless by the end . . . BM just can't see past her own nose to put herself in SD's shoes AT ALL. All she could talk about was how bad SD made HER feel, how she didn't want to give up HER visitation time, how SD needed to respect HER husband (even though he doesn't respect SD AT ALL). I think what BM wanted was for us to call SD out on they way she talked to her mom (and we did voice our displeasure at that) but what it turned in to was SD unloading many of the reasons behind WHY she speaks that way, why she reacts with anger there and why she is disrespectful. The last thing we were going to do was punish SD, and I don't know if that was what BM wanted or not. I don't feel like there was resolution to anything, but I don't even know what was to be resolved. The issues are between SD and BM, so what in the world can DH and I do about them? Most I can hope for is that BM realized SD isn't just snotty and disrespectful (well, maybe sometimes!) - but mainly she is lashing out because she is hurt and angry.
It was one heck of a crazy night. I feel proud of SD for finally having the nerve to speak up - I don't think she would have were she not so steaming mad, plus she had us there to run interference. I don't kid myself that BM will change now and start acting like a parent, but you never know . . . .