Laugh about social networking sites.....

mom2emallJanuary 28, 2010

This is not a stepfamily issue, but I just had to laugh today. I have an account on a social networking site. The other day I saw that a guy I used to be good friends with in high school is friends with someone I know on there. So I was curious to see his profile and pictures so I requested him as a friend. He accepted and said hi and all that catching up stuff. Then his wife (who I only met once or twice and it was before they were together) requested me as a friend. I accepted. She sent me a message asking me how I knew her husband. I responded and told her. All of her status updates since have been about how wonderful her husband happy her marriage lucky she is...bla bla bla. I find it funny because you can see her status updates from before she befriended me and none of them were like that. So it seems like she is trying to let me know how happily married they are! Funny thing is that my profile says married and has a picture of me with my hubby and kids!

Some people are just so insecure!

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A girl I know and her hubby are on one of them and they do nothing but complain about each other on the site.... all updates are pet peeves.

They even comment on each others .... funny part is they do not complain in person and are very happy in person ..... putting too much out there for the world to see. Every tiff becomes a commentary.

Really dumb things like TP roll not changed, no logs for the fire etc. until now I thought they never had a tiff now I see the stuff they complain about ... :)

    Bookmark   January 28, 2010 at 7:25PM
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Well a mutual friend of ours was telling me how much the couple I mentioned fight with eachother. Said that the reason the guy went from super skinny to muscular is because everytime his wife fights with him he goes into the basement to work out! LOL So thats why I find her posts funny. I am not sure if she is trying to convince herself or me that she is happily married!

    Bookmark   January 28, 2010 at 7:32PM
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I have entirely different take on all this. I don't find it funny.

let's face it... many people use social networking sites for hooking up or simply "so called innocently" flirting with members of opposite sex (married or not, makes no difference for some).

Now this lady doesn't know you, doesn't know your intentions, you don't know details of their marriage. it is possibly he regularly flirts online and IRL or cheats and she has reasons to feel insecure.

Now to add that if they argue and possibly have marital problems, she maybe wishes he spends free time working on their marriage rather than talking to ladies online. not to say you have nasty agenda, but she does not know that.

I just recalled how doodle struggled when her DH spent time chatting with girls on social networking sites, these girls were married and supposedly just friends, yet she felt betrayed and unappreciated. instead of spending time with her and their children he was wasting his time chatting with women online. i remember people supported doodle in her concerns. and I did as well.

possibly this lady prefers her DH spends time with her and children rather than on social sites talking to women. maybe then they will be arguing less.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2010 at 8:31PM
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FD I can see your point, but he is rarely on the site. She on the other hand is on quite a bit. Whenever I log on it shows what people I am friends with have posted that day and she has multiple posts and comment threads each day, whereas he rarely has any.

Either way if her marriage is in trouble she should not spend her time posting messages about how great her marriage is......she should instead be working on making it really that great.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2010 at 8:38PM
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yeah but you said you saw her only once or twice so what difference does it make for you if she works on her marriage or not, why such concern, you do not know what she does to work on their marriage and if she even needs to, someone gossiped that they argue and you took it from there, but who cares they might have a very good marriage and she wants to preserve it or maybe not, who cares...

the fact you chat online with her husband, what kind of marriage they have makes no difference, they are still married and she is possibly bothered by your attention to her husband. personally I would back off.

why do you check on him how often he posts or how often she posts? i clearly remember that everyone was very supportive of doodle and not talking too nicely about all these women talking to a married guy online, i don't remember anyone defending these girls. yet how is this situation different? why wasn't it OK for him and these married girls chatting away yet it is OK for you to do that?

    Bookmark   January 28, 2010 at 9:38PM
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I do not check up on them. When you log onto this networking site it automatically shows what your "friends" have posted recently. So its right there in front of me....I do not search for it.

I chat on occasion with old friends that I see on there, or that see me. It is usually a few sentences back and forth on what we have been up to and how life is, that sort of thing. Thats really it. Its not a constant interaction thing. And we don't instant message all night or anything. I am on here waayyy more!

My only point in it all is that since she befriended me to check up on her husband she started writing all these things about her marriage.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2010 at 10:37PM
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mom, I would de-friend her and be careful what I talked about with her husband. It's innocent so just make sure it stays that way.

I think it's a little funny too. There was a really hilarious video floating around Facebook a few months ago about peoples SO's "catching" them flirting and confronting them. It was called "busted on Facebook" or somthing like that.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2010 at 11:09PM
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Good idea lamom. I defriended them both today. Don't want to get in the middle of any drama.

I have a friend whose husband was using Facebook to catch up with girls from his past. She asked her husband what he talks about with all these girls and he told her to mind her own business!!!

So I made sure that all my converstaion back and forth with the guy I just defriended was on his wall so anyone could read it and see it was innocent. I think thats why I found his wifes constant posts funny about how wonderful everything is with them and how their love grows stronger each day..blablabla. She could see that our conversation was innocent.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2010 at 11:13AM
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I have a facebook. I have two ex boyfriends on there. One is the ex I was with for 7 years (and raised his kids) and he is now married & I recently added his wife too. The other one is a high school boyfriend. My DH also has facebook, one of his ex girlfriends added him. So, I added her as my friend. It annoyed me a bit that every time my husband updates his status, she 'liked' it. I am not jealous or threatened, just not sure of her intentions... she is married and they have a baby.... but that doesn't mean she is happily married. She also posts a lot about how wonderful her marriage & family is... and that they are going to try and have another baby... so, should I assume to know how she really feels? There are times her posts could be interpreted that maybe she is gloating to DH how great her life is, like 'look what you don't have' or maybe she really is happy. When I started liking her posts (only when I really do), she backed off a little.

The funny thing about social network sites is that they are kinda like this forum... you decide what to put out there and it's always open for various interpretations. Nobody has a perfect marriage... nobody has a perfect life... nobody has pure bliss. We all may feel that way from time to time and then have a down moment. I know that I don't post my bad days or strife on my facebook... I only post when I am happy and having a good day. Likewise, I usually post my problems here when I am aggravated or stressed or annoyed or at the end of my rope & need support. This is only a slice of the pie... not the whole pie.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2010 at 4:17PM
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"My only point in it all is that since she befriended me to check up on her husband she started writing all these things about her marriage."

so what? I think it is within her rights to talk about her marriage and if she needs to check on her husband (and probably has reasons for that) it is up to her. he is her husband and it is her marriage. It doesn't matter if it looks innocent, he might be talking to 100 other girls and not that innocent, what do you know.

I am in support of real friendship that involves knowing each other spouses/SOs, families, doing stuff together, being invited to each other houses, events etc. I do have a male friend like that, known him before he got married, now he invites me over to their events and I invite him for our events. no online chatting. friendships that involve strictly online chatting sound sneaky and fake to me.

if you want to maintain friendship with him why not inviting him and his wife over? why not going out all of you? if that's out of the question then it doesn't sound like friendship and cannot possibly be that important. I personally would step back.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2010 at 5:12PM
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Of course, you don't really know whether this gal changed her posts in response to him friending you, right? That's an intriguing thing about Facebook, etc. One really doesn't have a clue about what a person's full experience is because you can only see what they choose to let you see! You said this gal should spend more time working on her happy marriage--how much time does it take to create a Facebook post? And presumably if her husband is one of her friends, he sees (and maybe enjoys) her praise?

That said, I am glad my husband's first wife isn't on a social networking site with him because I'm sure she'd be as all over his wall as she is all over him, ha. Though he did have a couple of old exes who found him and were posting pretty intensely for a while; I didn't really like it, because it was obvious to me that these gals' posts were flirty. Kind of icky.

There was an interesting article in the Denver Post on that very topic a couple of days ago:

    Bookmark   January 29, 2010 at 5:51PM
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from ulrike's link: You're not "just friends" if: you don't introduce your ex to your new boyfriend (my addition: or a husband.) most people would not introduce their facebook opposite sex friends to their spouses. it says it all. this isn't friendship. call it guilty pleasure, or whatever else, not friendship.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2010 at 6:43PM
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I think of facebook as a high school reunion at times. You can see and talk to people that you would never have the chance to otherwise. When you go to a reunion you see someone and pictures of their families that they have in their wallet, you catch up on eachothers lives, etc. But you have no interest in hanging out with them again.

With Facebook that is how I feel at times. Sometimes people send me friend requests and I know it is just to catch up and curiosity. I request some people as friends so I can see their pictures and what they have been up to because I am curious.

Thats it. Nothing sneaky.

Then there are other people who are genuinely my friends on my friend list.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2010 at 9:27PM
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FD and mom, I see both sides of what you are saying. I have an old flame on my FB and I know DH would not be happy if he knew we were in touch that way. I see it as innocent because I know what we say but he wouldn't like it! So I guess, it's a guilty pleasure as it relates to that one person.

Mom, FB is definitely like a high school reunion. That's what I really like about it. Everyone I have on my FB is someone I know, childhood, high school, college friends plus people in my life today, relatives and current friends. It's an easy way to be in touch with folks you rarely see and probably wouldn't. I don't post anything heavy or too personal there and most of the people who are my FB "friends" don't either because it is so public. I'm not sure how people would flirt there other than through the e-mail function since it is so public. And of course, if they are going to do that they are going to do it one way or the other.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2010 at 9:59PM
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well apparently people could sound flirty on facebook like ulrike said girls were flirty with her DH. imamommy said even though she is not jealous she was somewhat puzzled why is this married!!!! woman keeps writing to her DH. I don't see anything wrong that they feel this way. and that's how that woman felt. nothing unusual or funny. Plus we don't know how many other women he talks to online or IRL, his wife clearly has reasons to be concerned. It is just not funny to me, it is just not worth it.

I do have few exboyfriends form years ago who contact me usually around the holidays every other year to wish me whatever, and I reply. that's it, more often than that what is there to say? and why do I want to see what they do DAILY? they aren't that important.

I do have a real life male friend who was never romantic partner. he is introduced to my SO and I am introduced to his wife, he invites us over and we go there or go out all of us etc. he is MY friend yet there is nothing secret about it.

if I want to check up on someone from years ago, check, but regularly being able to see what he is up to? of course his wife starts acting weird. it is very easy to say she is jealous and insecure. it sounds condescending. it is her marriage and her husband.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2010 at 7:09AM
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Facebook is a really public place to me. Here we use pseudonyms, don't use names and most don't even say what city they are in although my handle does. But, with 12 million people in the LA Metro area, I can do that!

Not sure if you are on FB, but what I see is so public I can't imagine saying anything "flirty" because everyone that I friend knows I'm married and we use our real names, photos etc. It's NOT the place for secrets! FB does have email and that is private, I think. But, only to the degree that any email is private and it is the same as regular email, you just get the emails through FB.

Who knows why Moms exs wife is posting all of this happy talk about their marriage? Could be for Mom's benefit, could be for her whole FB community's benefit, could be the truth, it really doesn't matter. The funny part is that she is using Facebook, something that is for fun, for free and wide open to do it. Plus, everyone KNOWS you there!! That is not the place for anything too personal, good, bad or ugly! People share pics of their kids, families, vacations (at least on mine which shows where I am and the folks I "friend") and I guess there is the occasional flirtation although that's tough to do because SO MANY people see every post on FB. It is WAY more open than this forum. Do personal stuff there at your own peril, even if it's positive!!

    Bookmark   January 30, 2010 at 10:49AM
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Hmmmmm.... I have exboyfriends on FB who don't know my DH and most likely will never meet him. My DH knows, and that's what matters.

Without FB I would not be in contact with them. With FB, it's nice to see their kid(s) growing, pics of their families, etc. We would never send holiday cards, but FB is just casual enough to say "hi".

And that's it. Anyone looking at my posts to them, or their posts to me, would never be able to get any kind of inappropriate innuendo from it.

If, like in OP's case, the "friendship" gets weird, it's time to "unfriend". Unless you're honestly friends, in which case a "hey Mike, sounds like you're making Janice worried, what the heck are you doing" would be in order. Can't be honest like that? You aren't really friends. Time to get out of "their" marriage, before you become a cause for consternation. Who knows what Mike has been saying to "other" friends besides you? Perhaps you are the last "friend" that will break the wife's patience with her over-friendly husband.

And no kidding GW is different. I've never once been flirted with by any of you!!!

    Bookmark   February 1, 2010 at 4:46PM
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lol silver,

You just reminded me of my ex calling me just after DH & I got married. (no, he is not on my FB) His daughter found my daughter and called her. My daughter told his daughter that I had gotten married so he decided to call me.... the first words outta his mouth... "So, you got married & didn't wait for me?" I LAUGHED! I thought he was kidding around... I mean he has been married for 18 years and I haven't seen him in 19. Why would I wait? Right? So, I joked back (my husband was standing right there cooking dinner with me)... and then he asked me if I was happy in my marriage and told me how jealous his wife is of me because she feels threatened by me. Ummm, gotta go dude! I told him that I am very happy and sorry to hear he is not, then got off the phone. When I told my DH, he thought it was funny... of course he knows I am not interested and he trusts me.

Funny thing is, about a month later my ex's wife called me. She wanted to talk to me about arranging for my daughter to meet their family. She was very nice and told me that she has been trying for YEARS to get her husband to call and/or see my daughter... told me that she was raised without a father and knows what it's like... etc. In no way did she seem jealous, threatened or insecure about me. I think her husband was playing a game to see if he can get his wife & ex to fight over him... I think some guys enjoy that attention. Sadly, it didn't work out for him and he has not seen my daughter still. That was three years ago. (I do have his wife on my myspace though...)

    Bookmark   February 2, 2010 at 11:45AM
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The whole thing is funny and complicated, because in a way, who would be better to call to find out about the "care and feeding" of your new spouse than the previous spouse? And yet, it's the last thing most of us would want to do! I absolutely hate when BM makes comments that seem like she and I are "in the same boat" of being women married to my DH--ick. I carefully extract myself from any such conversation.

When my ex and his wife had been married about a year and I didn't know her very well, she called to talk about the kids, just something minor. After a few minutes, though, she turned the conversation to talking about my ex, and it quickly became apparent that she was asking for advice about things that I also didn't like about being married to him. Ha! I extracted myself from that one also.

BM will also make "teasing" comments to my DH in front of the girls. Passive aggressive-mean and intimate combined. We think some of those are actually directed at me, especially the religion thing, but she knows if she did anything overt he would call her on it.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2010 at 3:04PM
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LOL My ex's wife (right after they got married) asked me advice in regards to XMIL (which was fine) and then about ex as well, that one I had no comments about. You are on your own lady! hahah

    Bookmark   February 2, 2010 at 6:38PM
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My dh's ex tried badmouthing him to me. Guess she did not realize that I had been with him long enough to know she was the problem in their marriage.

And my ex had a gf once who called me for advice when he got drunk and was a jerk to her. All I could tell her is that was the main reason I left him and I had no advice on how to deal with it because I felt nobody should have to. She never asked me for advice again.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2010 at 1:52PM
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"My dh's ex tried badmouthing him to me. Guess she did not realize that I had been with him long enough to know she was the problem in their marriage."

I kinda find that point interesting. His ex may have had some valid things to say.... things that were valid in HER relationship with him. Maybe he changed or learned from that experience. In every relationship, there are two forces of energy that work off each other.... just like in school, a bad chemistry mixture can result in explosions.

If I ever got a 'warning' from my DH's ex, I would certainly listen & look for validity... but I would also look at her motivation for doing that at the same time. I have a cousin that ignored warnings from her boyfriend's ex that he was abusive. Three kids later, he started abusing her too and it took years to get away & then raising three kids without him around or helping to support the kids. But, she was in "LOVE" and thought his ex was a crazy jealous woman.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2010 at 3:04PM
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One time (and only one time) X's GF messaged me on MySpace asking if X ever "scared" me. She told me that X had done something that scared her. This was after X told DS and me they had broken up. I didn't respond to her for a few reasons 1) my relationship with X is none of her business; 2) X has changed a lot (as people frequently do) and he doesn't deserve to be saddled with a bad rep if he's trying to do good; 3) I can't trust her as far as I could throw her (which wouldn't be very far because she's bigger than I am) so I don't know if she's telling the truth or making a mountain out of a mole-hill; 4) I knew they would get back together because she's a leach and he can't stand himself enough to live alone; and 5) I have to deal with X all the time.

The truth is that X did more than scare me; he hurt me physically. But if she thinks I'm going to talk about that stuff with her, she's even crazier than I thought she was!

    Bookmark   February 3, 2010 at 3:38PM
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