Being a step-mom isn't what I imagined

blendedchaosJanuary 2, 2014

I just wanted to put out there that being a step-mom is my opinion anyway.

I feel no attachment to these kids even thought I have tried and tried and tried. I love my own kids with everything in me but I have a hard time having any connection with DH's sons. We have been together for almost 3 years and nothing I do makes me feel connected to them at all.

It's more of a nusance to have to deal with the extras that come along with taking care of children that aren't mine.

Having to deal with DH's ex probably doesn't help the way I feel about the kids either. Sometimes I don't feel anything about the situation at all and sometimes I feel anger or sadness.

I know there are a ton of step-mothers out there that have an amazing bond with their stepkids but that's just not me. Please tell me that this is somewhat normal and other step-moms feel like I do.

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My husband and I have been married for eight years and I am the stepmom to a now 15 yr old boy. Being a stepmom is by far one of the hardest things I've done!! I wish someone would have given me some sort of word of warning on how difficult it would be!! To say that my stepson and I have struggled over the past 11 years to bond would be putting it lightly.. And even now we don't really have a tight/close bond. He views me more as a friend than a mom and I'm perfectly ok with that, he has a great Mom and Dad already. I'm the one he comes to when he needs his iPod reset and he's able to talk about things he may not want to talk about with his Mom and Dad. I know my husband wants us to be more like mother and son especially since he's got a pretty tight bond with my son and daughter. But the relationship that my stepson and I have works for him and me. We don't fight and he doesn't think of me as the evil stepmom. I'll so add that I'm not an overly affectionate/lovey-dovey type so my stepson and I will probably never have a relationship like other stepmoms and stepkids.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2014 at 6:44PM
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I agree and it is something I would never do again, never.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2014 at 10:38PM
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When DH and I started dating he only had the two youngest boys every other weekend. DH decided he wanted to see them more and started doing 7 & 7. One of the sons is ok with this and doesn't give us any trouble. The younger one is brainwashed by his mother and just refuses to come visit his dad.

The son that comes with us 7 and 7 lies and is a bully. My children aren't perfect by any means and I do have to punish mine occasionally but it's to the point where DH doesn't even notice when his son does something wrong and I am having to point it out so it can get corrected. I don't feel like I should have to point it out to DH but I also don't feel like I should have to live in filth because son doesn't lift the toilet seat and pees all over it or doesn't pick up his clothes so you can't see the bedroom floor.

Just very frustrated. Would I take the same route if I new then what I know now. I honestly don't know. I couldn't imagine my life without my DH so I deal with the stress because I love him but it makes me miserable sometimes.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2014 at 8:43AM
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I don't think that "there are a ton of step moms out there that have an amazing bond with their stepkids". Research has not borne this out at all. A lot of stepmoms, like me, put on a brave face and don't talk about the issues---because most of the family (and society at large) will judge us severely, and only other stepmoms can truly understand. Usually a lot of stars have to align--young child at divorce, supportive and strong husband, ex without major issues, and child is open to new stepmom--before you have a situation where an "amazing bond" can form.

Really the best that most of us can hope for is a friendship built on respect for one another. And a lot of the time you won't even get that (see my post below--"Am I wrong to be so resentful?") Don't beat yourself up because you don't have feelings that society says you should have, but that truly go against nature and common sense. Plenty of others will be happy to judge you if you don't love your stepchildren. You have to believe in yourself and be strong because you know you are doing the best you can do. You aren't deficient in "mommy skills", or a wicked person if you don't love your step kids.

Of course your husband won't want to hear this. Most of them dream about having a new wife that will love and care for their children like they do. That is a tricky thing--letting them know that you will probably not be the new "mother" of their child, but that you can have a friendship, without going into the weeds of your feelings about their kids.

    Bookmark   January 4, 2014 at 3:12PM
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One thing that is useful to remember is that these guys *have* a mother, & if she loves her kids, one mother is enough.

It's better to establish a friendly, easy-going relationship, especially with older kids or with any kids who have a functioning mother, I think, than to try to be their mother...
all I can see there is disaster: resentment, anger, spite, jealousy, hate.

The other thing, depending on the boys' ages (sorry if I missed this) is...
no pee on the toilet.


no exceptions, no discussion, just no.

Any child who is over the age of about 5 or 6 can pee in the commode.

If he can't, he can clean it or he can tell his father and his father can clean it.

    Bookmark   January 4, 2014 at 5:45PM
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Sarabera-- I couldn't have said it better myself!

    Bookmark   January 4, 2014 at 10:26PM
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His kids have a mom, however, she isn't a very good one. It's all about her. She has had 11 boyfriends in the past two years, engaged to 3. She moves the boys in with these men right away and they break up with her within two weeks when they realize how fast she wants to move.

She doesn't enforce them doing homework, or even going to school for that matter. DH was in the process of going for full custody when we had something come up in our family that put that on hold for a while.

Regardless of whether they have a mother or now....I definitely don't want that role. I barely want the step mom role :(

SS that pees on the toilet is he definitely shouldn't be peeing on the toilet. He is just lazy and dirty. DH has been making him clean it. It's just really embarrassing when company comes up to me and says SS just came out the bathroom and when I went in to use it, there is pee everywhere.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2014 at 9:07AM
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This is a lot more than just an everyday, garden-variety blending of families.

This is a disfunctional mess.

& my suspicion is that that 12-year-old isn't just dirty & lazy, he's angry.

sorry, but my take is that dad needs to get custody & be a full-time parent (that way they have at least the one), whatever it takes, however invonvenient it is.

However, that leaves you hanging out there blowing in the wind like a wind chime.

Were I in your boots, I think I'd sit dad down before another day goes by & have a very serious discussion;
both of you need to think long & hard about what you want in your own lives, & you need to formulate a plan before he gets custody,

I wish all of you the very best.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2014 at 6:22PM
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We were in the process of going for full custody. His 12 year old is actually the better behaved of the two youngest sons. His 10 year old has ODD and doesn't come to our house anymore because he doesn't want to and his mother doesn't make him. If DH goes to get him it's kicking and screaming and punching and the police will get called.

We had SS10 in therapy for 8 months starting in January of last year. It took us 8 months to get him somewhat managable. I went into the hospital at the end of august to have our baby and we found out after he was born that he had 3 congenital heart defects. We stayed in the hospital with him for a month while he had open heart surgery. When we got back home, all the progress we had made with SS10 had gone out the window because of his mother.

We couldn't afford to keep paying the lawyer to fight for full custody so DH just lets SS10 stay with his mom. SS12 doesn't give us any trouble at all to come over. He enjoys playing with my children and they get along for the most part.

We were also told by SS10's previous psychiatrist that he was not to be left alone with the baby for ANY period of time because of his violent tendencies.

The story goes deeper than this and our lawyer is pretty sure CPS will eventually get called and they will be taken away from her and will come to live with us.

BM recently changed SS10 to a different psychiatrist than what we were bringing him to and I'm sure her story was "his dad doesn't want anything to do with him" which was her story for his other doctors until we started getting in touch with all of them and explaining what this woman is about and that's when they realized that they weren't being able to treat him correctly because they didn't have the right information on why he was acting out like this. We have recently gotten in touch with the new psychiatrist and got them a copy of the full psych evaluation that we had done on SS10 so they should be calling back soon to get any other info they may need from DH.

    Bookmark   January 6, 2014 at 7:09AM
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I'm so sorry.

I hope you can get some support, guidance, information, whatever.

When someone says "don't leave the baby alone with him", what I hear is "Get the heck out of there before this person kills your baby."

I wish you the very best.

    Bookmark   January 6, 2014 at 2:59PM
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Believe me, that is the same thing I hear, especially when it comes from that child's psychiatrist.

We almost lost our baby to begin with because we weren't aware of his heart defects until the day we were leaving from the hospital after birth. If we had taken him home, he would have died, most likely in his sleep, within 72 hours. So I am already over protective of him as it is.

BM likes to run around telling everyone that I "don't allow her son over there because he hit the baby". First of all, I never said he "wasn't allowed". I did tell DH that if SS is at the house DH HAS to be there. I am never to be left alone with SS. Our baby is also never to be left alone in a room with him. Second, if SS10 would have EVER hit my baby, the cops would have been called....10 year old or not. BM is so delusional it's funny. She really does believe her own lies.

I think this is one of the reasons that it doesn't bother me so much that SS10 doesn't visit. Less stress for me worrying about who he is going to hurt.

    Bookmark   January 6, 2014 at 3:06PM
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