betastepJanuary 18, 2011

My SD is getting married in Sept. We have never gotten along, and she is getting financial help from my DH for her wedding. She and her sisters never really have liked me. They do not get along with their BM either, but I get along with my SS. My DH and I have been married almost six years, but have been together almost ten. I am unsure if I should attend her wedding, since my DH is helping foot the bill. It is a destination wedding, and he wants me there. I was thinking of going to the destination and not the ceremony. Then, I was thinking of being the bigger person and just keeping my distance. Then, I was considering not going at all, but I have already been excluded from things due to their stupidity. My DH does not stand up to them, but states he will say something to her before the big day about me attending. Ideas? Thoughts?

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I'd do whatever hubs wants, with the stipulation that if he wants me at the ceremony, he *has* to get her to agree to behave herself.

If you attend the ceremony without her express agreement to behave, she'll act ugly & blame you for ruining "her day".

Going on vacation but not to the ceremony would be probably the safest way to make sure you enjoy yourself, but hubs needs to understand that she'll snipe at you for not even participating in "her day".

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   January 18, 2011 at 3:52PM
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Your H should let them know that you are a part of his journey now. Either they invite both theif father and you, or NONE.

In my mind as a father, that is the least respect they can do. They don't have to like you but they must show the respect. Personally, if my daughters don't want to invite my wife, then I will not attend the wedding. That is the principles of my world and I will live by that.

If they include you then you must go. Again, you don't have to like them or be buddies with them, but out of respect for your husband you should go and have a good time. BUT don't jump in to make any decisions or waves, you will be there as a guest. No judgment about the wedding whatsoever, just be there.

    Bookmark   January 18, 2011 at 5:30PM
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Hi Beta, September is a LONG time away...I d wait until I got an invitation in the mail for one thing and see if its addressed to Mr and Mrs Beta. That would be one indication that she wants, or will at least tolerate you there..Will you be invited to any showers? Rehearsal dinner? Lots of variables...Was in the situation and all bridges have been burned over wedding fiasco, has been a few years and I do feel badly for DH s sorrow over the estrangement,I m OK with him being out of my life..DH and SS are just starting to try to mend,I guess as long as you and your DH are making a joint decision with your attendance or non attendance you ll be OK...Your DH may agree for you to skip it if its awkward or hurtful, or uncomfotable for you to go... But I d wait to see if you are in fact wanted , for starters.....

    Bookmark   January 20, 2011 at 8:06PM
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Dad is paying for the wedding and you are Dad's wife. That means you should absolutely be invited, and you should absolutely go. (Unless you were 'The Other Woman' and therefore, an instigator of the bride's parents' divorce.) Of course, everyone should be one their best behavior.

Anything less will be fodder for future feuds.

I'd suggest you ask your husband to clear this up now -- before too much money has left your bank account...

    Bookmark   January 22, 2011 at 2:32PM
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Well, I ve seen absolutely nothing posted about Beta step objecting to DH paying for the nuptials....Maybe he can pay and she can still avoid, should she so desire...

    Bookmark   January 23, 2011 at 7:49PM
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I think the decision should be up to the bride. If she so chooses to exclude you, then it's up to your husband to decide if he will continue to pay for expenses regarding the weddding. That in itself is an issue between you and your husband. Ultimately it is the bride's day and she should decide who should attend. Besides, it doesn't seem like there's any love lost between you and SD anyway.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2011 at 9:47PM
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I've heard "it's the bride's day" used as the iron-clad "reason" for so many appalling bridal behaviors that I no longer buy it's "the bride's day";
it's a very important day for her, for her fiance/husband, for both families, for the attendants, for everyone.

You cannot have a bride without a groom & you cannot have a wedding without the involvement of a whole bunch of people, all of whom deserve to be cherished & treated well.

& I've always thought that the feelings of any person paying for any party should be respected at the very least, & that ideally that person should be consulted about who he wants to see at the party.

I cringe to think of a father bullied into being subjected to his Bridezilla daughter's flauntingly ugly, very public, behavior while footing the bill.

    Bookmark   January 25, 2011 at 1:09PM
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I'm with Sylvia. There are people I didn't care for (one a very close relative) who I nonetheless invited to my wedding because it was the right thing to do. To not invite this person would have simply been unacceptable.

And IMO, unless the bride has a very strong and widely known reason, *not* inviting her father's wife is simply not acceptable. It's a very public statement of shunning --- embarassing for *everybody* including (if she has any grace) her. And for Dad's wife not to show up is similarly rude and embarassing. It shows that the entire family does not know how to behave in polite society, and chooses to put petty grievances above social protocols, family harmony and good manners.

It's the bride's day all right -- To show that she has become a grown-up and knows how to behave like a lady, with grace and good manners toward all. If she can't do that, then pity the poor fool who decides to marry her...

    Bookmark   January 25, 2011 at 2:22PM
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I am writing to respond to several points that have been asked to this thread. No, I was not the other woman or caused any reason for my DH's kids to be so disrespectful towards me. They are rude and disrespectful to their own BM, and my DH. They ask him for money, and I know that he gives them money since they are his children. I have learned to not let this be an issue, since they are his kids and they have their own issues before I came into the picture. (I have chosen which battles are actually worth getting into). As well, I know that those with children will do whatever they can to help them, regardless their attitude. I was never liked by his daughters, and my husband has never been the type to have "the balls" to speak up, but in reality even if he did it would not make a difference. They have been mean and hateful to him, so I do not expect any less. Again, this is not the issue. I am just wondering if I should graciously bow out, or stand by my DH on his daughter's wedding day.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2011 at 3:52PM
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If you are invited, you should attend. Your DH will be upset if you don't attend and you should do it for him. Now if it is just minor event, then no need to attend, you can come up with a reason. For example I refuse to go with SDs on vacation because it is just a nightmare, i can't tolerate it. But you can't bow out of big events.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2011 at 11:10AM
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OP, do you want to go? Would your DH be upset if you didn't go? I agree with PO1 that if you are invited, you should attend regardless of relationship. Buy a demure dress and don't make a fuss.

But if you're not invited, by all means go to the destination and don't attend the wedding (personally, no matter who is marrying that sounds like more fun anyway!).

Don't have your DH enforce the invite. It will only make all of you uncomfortable. However; if you are not invited I would expect DH to let his daughter know that he is under no obligation to pay for anything and disrespecting his wife is not acceptable.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2011 at 12:27PM
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"if I should graciously bow out, or stand by my DH"

Well, your original post did ask for ideas & thoughts...

If this is the only only either/or question, then my original thoughts prevail;
do whatever your husband wants, as long as you can stand it.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2011 at 3:07PM
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I agree with sweeby's excellent posts. I am not saying you should be thrilled about it, but this is your husband's daughter. I think that you should make the effort to go -- and be sure to behave like a lady: no eye-rolling, no criticism of the people or arrangements, no talking about how you didn't want to be there. You won't be hurting your stepdaughter if you don't; but you will be embarrassing your husband and making everyone think that you are childish and jealous.

Just be a good guest. Your husband will really appreciate it.

The very worst thing, IMHO, would be to go to the destination but not the wedding. That's just too blatant a snub. If you simply won't go to the wedding, then at least don't go on the trip, and give an excuse that you can't get away from work or have an unshakable prior commitment or can't afford it or something. Some people still might think that it's not a good excuse for skipping a stepchild's wedding -- but at least they won't be able to say that you made a point of flaunting your refusal to attend and are just trying to draw attention and drama to yourself.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2011 at 12:29AM
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