Father lies for and baby's 16year old stepson

Nik8413January 11, 2013

I have been married for a year and a half but have been with my husband for 2 an a half years. 6 months before we were married my husbands ex wife kicked both his boys out and he moved them in with me before he had moved in. When they came to live with us the 17year old was supposed to be a junior in high school but only had 3 total high school credits. The 14 year old was failing he 8th grade. Long story short, we put the older one in an alternative high school and he got caught up but then his mother talked him into moving back for child support. He was then kicked out of school for dealing drugs an we were told nothing until we were mailed forms. The 14 year old then still lives with us but it has been a struggle. His mother is trying to claim my husband did not ever pay child support, and told his children for years the same. After a lot of arguing because my husband did not know how to get cancelled checks, we can prove he paid over and beyond by 20,000 thousand. But everytime one of her attorneys tells her she has to settle she hires a new and we start over again. My problem with my stepson is that my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer and his son has had the odasity to tell friends, family and myself at the age of 15 and a half that my husband is faking his cancer because his mother said so. Then he continuously asks my husband how much money we have in savings, when are we buying a house, a truck etc. My husband tells him everything then he runs to his mom and she comes up with more acussations and gets greedier. My SS gets praised and rewarded marterialistically which is outrageous! Then he turns around and talks crap about his mother so my husband feels like he's the perfect angel and once again he is rewareded for bad morals. Unfortunately my husband lied to me about all of the legal stuff and financial crap before we were married and now I'm stuck. He knows his son is his mothers spy but makes excuses for his bad behavior. If his son gets into trouble, lies or steels, my husband lies, makes excuses or hides it from me. If I'm upset because his son leaves a mess an i am the one who has had to pick up all the slack the last 7 months due to chemo, raidiation, surgery and another 6 months of chemo, he tells me to shut up, knock it off rather than talking to his son. When his son stoled money from my daughter, it was our fault, our imagination never his sons. We parent my daughter as a team but his son is off limits and I can't say a thing to him or I'm the B**ch, so I try talking to him then he blows up at me. 4 days before we found our he had cancer he moved out and told me he let one woman ruin his son and he wasn't going to let me, this all stemming because I found drugs in his son's room and he was supposed to be grounded but my husband let him run all over the place an I called him on it. Then when I told him hope his test goes well, he all of a sudden wanted back. Now it's a vicious cycle. I'm expected to shut up, not say anything while I have all the work. We were in counseling and we agreed that both kids need to step up as older teenagers and help more. My daughter has, but if I ask his son to do anything or ask him to have his son so something an it doesn't get done, then he tells me so what, oh well or get over it while he sits in his chair and drinks while everyone calls sympathizing with him. He is doing very well on treatment an hasn't gotten to sick. He's just tired most of the time. Any advice? I hate being around my stepson, looking at him or having to do anything for him. Part of it is he is old enough to know right from wrong and his disregard for his dad who is not given a good chance to live past 2 years. The other is his dad's disrespect for my position an me completely.

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Amber3902

The problem isn't the SS, the problem is the FATHER that lets his son walk all over you, that has no problem parenting your daughter but calls you a b$tch for daring to correct his son.

"not I'm stuck" No, you're not.
You don't have any kids with this man. Why are you still there?

    Bookmark   January 11, 2013 at 2:45PM
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gardenandcats

Couldn't of said it any better Amber3902!

    Bookmark   January 11, 2013 at 4:50PM
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Nik8413

You're right. An the answer to your question is because he has cancer and the fact of what people would asay if I left. Who would take care of him when it gets bad? Others see him as this wonderful person when we are out and nobody knows anything about him except his double image he portrays. But things aren't going to change an I need to worry about my happiness and my daughter. It's a hard reality when you love someone and you realize that they don't love you in return but he only came back to use me to take care of him because the cancer. If he didn't have the cancer, I already know this marriage would have ended an he would have never wanted to come back. Thank You for your input. It's easier to here it from someone other than family that tend to be more bias. But in my case, part of my family also loves him because our dad's were best friends before they both died, and they have been hanging out with him long before I ever met him, so part my family hangs onto him to hang onto his dad an our dad.

    Bookmark   January 11, 2013 at 5:38PM
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pseudo_mom

He needs you to take care of him (where else does he have to go?).... and if you resent doing for SS stop doing it ... let the house fall apart or hire someone....maybe it will get to disgusting for him and he will join older brother at mom's. If you are committed to caring for your hubby .... a great motivator for hubby might be ... I am here to take care of you not him he can do it or you do it for him .... granted he is very ill and in no position to start to parent a 16yo.

You have a very tough decision(s) to make.

Sucks for you because there are 2 kids yours vs his and he will never side with you .... I can sympathize but other than telling him to pack his $hit and take his ungrateful son with him I have no advice. But first I would start hoarding money :)

    Bookmark   January 11, 2013 at 10:57PM
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colleenoz

I'd be off like a bride's nightie in your situation. If people do say anything as to why you called it quits, either you can explain or you can simply tell that that it wasn't the cancer and not everyone knows what goes on behind closed doors. You could also if you wished say there were unsolvable issues with his son which made your position in the household untenable.
>> Who would take care of him when it gets bad?

    Bookmark   January 11, 2013 at 11:13PM
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readinglady

I have been down that cancer road several times, so I know how physically and emotionally exhausting it is.

You have to do what you can live with long-term, and if you feel you couldn't live with yourself if you left your husband in these circumstances, then all you can do is minimize the wear-and-tear on yourself and your daughter.

I am sorry your step-son is so impossible and even sorrier your husband is so difficult and unsupportive. Cancer didn't suddenly make him a better or different person.

Here are my suggestions:

1) Protect yourself and your daughter financially for the possible time when your husband is no longer with you. You may want to set up a separate bank account and sequester some of your resources so you are assured of access to monies regardless of anything your husband might do (like decide suddenly to put his sons' names on the account).

If possible, consult with an attorney regarding estate planning. Given your husband's current intractability, you may not have any luck securing his cooperation. But at least you will know what your legal rights are.

2) Prioritize your tasks. Your husband's medical care is a priority. Your daughter's physical and emotional needs are priorities. Doing your step-son's laundry, picking up after him or fixing meals are not. At 14 he can do those things for himself. If he doesn't do them, his problem.

3) Look into support systems for yourself and your husband. That would include hospital services, family support groups and Hospice, so that if the burdens get too heavy to carry alone you know who to go to.

Do these things while you're still capable of thinking clearly. A time may come when you're too tired to think at all.

This assumes you decide to stick it out. You may decide this is too thankless a task and leave your husband and his rotten kids to their own devices. Feel right in your choice and the judgements of others won't matter.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2013 at 4:58AM
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Nik8413

Thank you for the advice, planning ahead and protecting myself financially is what I have to do which I have not thought about in great detail. My first priority will be to protect myself for the unknown and I haven't thought about checking into support, but I will for my own sanity.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2013 at 8:08PM
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