What do you think?
I'm planning a birthday party for DGS. He will be 2 & it's going to be at a baby gym facility. The party is on a Saturday but his actual birthday is Sunday. I'm inviting the kids in his preschool/daycare class... about 10 other 1 1/2-2 year old's. My grown kids & my sister plan on being there as well. My DH & my dad will be working so I was planning on having cake at my dad's house the next day (Sunday) with family. (My sister is planning to attend Saturday's party because she lives out of town & Sunday is too difficult for her schedule)
Well, over the weekend my dad tells me that SD11 told him that she is planning to ask her mom if she can rearrange her weekends so she can attend the party. I have a few problems with it:
1.) SD11 should not be deciding when her weekends with her mom are to be rearranged. She did not discuss this with her dad. (or me) ** For those that don't know much background, SD barely acknowledges my existence, let alone talks to me.
2.) DH doesn't even know when or where the party is because he's working that day & wants nothing to do with planning a party, so if SD wants to go I think she should have talked to me about it first, then talked to her dad about whether he was okay with changing.. and THEN let her dad arrange it with her mom.
3.) On Halloween, DH let SD (at my urging) change weekends so she could attend a party BM was having. SD really wanted to go to the party & DH wasn't going to allow it because her grades are so bad. (Just got her progress report~3 F's & 1 D-) I felt bad & got DH to relent. The day after SD came home, we found out she had withheld info on getting two behavioral referrals... she didn't tell us she was given two detentions so she could still go to her mom's party. Before she left for that weekend, I told her that I was putting my faith in her (to do better) & I hope she doesn't let me down. When we found out she had gotten two detentions in the two days before she went & didn't tell us, we told her that we are NOT going to change weekends with her mom anymore so she can attend activities here or there. If something is happening on a weekend she is there, fine... but if it's on a weekend she is not there, too bad. THAT was her consequence. So, considering that this is the first time something is happening that she will miss & we just got her progress report with a D & F's, I am against changing weekends so she can attend.
4.) Last year, we did change weekends so SD could attend DGS's 1st birthday. It was a family party at a pizza place & at the end of the evening, SD took MIL aside & complained to her about me... I looked over & SD is in a booth with MIL, sobbing. I asked what's wrong? Both say nothing. On the way home, DH says MIL wants to know why I won't let SD play with DGS? ** MOre background, SD11 has been failing in school since 4th grade. She's in 6th now. DH took away her TV & Stereo. She was told that she can't 'play' until her homework is done... but since she lies about doing her homework, I told her that when her grades improve & we stop seeing missing assignments... she was told she can't play: Outside, video games, at her friends, etc. She would ask to play with the baby & I would ask if her grades are improved. No, then No. She has neglected to tell MIL she can't play at all, not just with the baby. But, MIL jumped my stuff on Fourth of July because SD told her she isn't allowed to play with the baby & I'm sure she's told MIL how unfair I am to her so MIL was all fired up. Which leads me to my last issue.
5.) SD takes it upon herself to invite MIL to parties. My mom had heart surgery last year. My son came back from Afghanistan for a couple of weeks because my mom's surgery. It was coincidental that he arrived back on his birthday so we had a small family get together the weekend after my mom came home from the hospital. My mom was going to stay at my dad's during her recovery, so my brother & sister came over to see her & we got a cake for my son. SD had told MIL & DH had to "uninvite" them because we were not having a real "party". We were trying to celebrate my son's birthday but keep minimal people around my mom at the same time.
I'm just at a loss of how to deal with SD doing this. It really causes a problem for her to not talk to me about anything, but then goes around making plans and inviting her other grandparents without discussing it with anyone. I don't want to start world war three over it, but it really creates stress for me. SD was at MIL's yesterday & who knows what she told her? MIL won't call me, she will call DH to ask when & where the party is. Of course if that happens, he will tell her about the party at my dad's on Sunday, not the toddler party on Saturday... but that would be the one SD would tell MIL about. And then I have the dread that MIL will "confront" me & demand to know why I don't let SD come to DGS's party.
I just want to enjoy making a party for DGS but this has put a damper on it for me. AM I wrong to feel this way?