I guess I'm not a very good stepmom
We have been together since Oct 2006, married since Aug 2008. Together we have a blended family of my girls 15 and 17 and his boy 17 and girl 18. My son is 23 but doesn't live with us. And my 17 has only lived with us off and on because she didn't want to live under our roof with our rules. I say "our" because I always include their stepdad in every decision with my kids. I have always told my girls that he is my husband and your step father and they will treat him with the same respect and dignity that they treat me. I have always believed that in our home we are two parents of 4 teens. If they are rude to him he has the right to call them out on it and hand down discipline if he chooses and I will support him unconditionally.
Now, he on the other hand, drew a line in the sand. I was not to interject into any serious conversations and put in my two cents in... well, I have tried for our entire marriage to respect that wish... but when his kids are dropping the f-bomb in the house, which I hate cussing, I said they owe me 25 cents, he gave me "the look".. like I was being ridiculous. They have no boundaries. I have asked him to sit with me and make house rules that apply to all kids, never done.
His daughter rules the roost. She lies, steals, pitches fits when she cannot get what she wants. She manipulates her Dad to the N-th degree. I admit I stepped over the line as a parent when her boyfriend was in tears in my kitchen and asked if she has been cheating on him... I told the truth. She was. She always does to her boyfriends. Her Dad knows she has no moral compass but all he does is turn a blind eye. He has said a few words to her but I'm sorry, if she was my daughter, I would have had her tell the boyfriend the truth in front of me and let him make the decision if he wanted to stay her boyfriend. So anyway, my husband has not forgiven me. He is so disgusted I would say anything.
She is a recovering bulimic and has been diagnosed with an addictive personality. Over a year ago, on Thanksgiving, she came home around midnight and I was up with her Aunt, she bee lined for the kitchen, I blurted out "kitchen's closed".. it just came out, maybe it was because at dinner and earlier she had been rude to me on purpose, she told her bro this. I was mad I guess. I also didn't agree with the therapist that said let her binge, I know it wasn't my place to go against it, but I said it, I can't take it back and her Dad still to this day is angry over it. She is a lot better but still uses it as a tool on her dad whenever he tries to discipline her, she will say she has to go to the bathroom... so he backs off and she gets to go out or do whatever it was she had planned.
She and her brother have been caught by me and their Dad smoking pot and drinking.... no punishment. I did look in their rooms and found pot before this, told their Dad I do not want drugs in our home and my daughter and I live here too. But its like it doesn't matter. My daughter hardly ever comes out of her room when she gets home from school. She doesn't want to be around them.
My question, don't I have rights? Am I being mental? I have asked since the beginning that they stay with their Mom while he was out of town, since they always call him to do stuff when he's not the one home responsible for them, and I have no say so...
In a nut shell, I feel like the Nanny. I am fortunate I could stay home. I have always been the transporter, cook, maid you name it, I love them like my own but I am not allowed to hand down a consequence when I have been treated rudely or ignored when they do not do the chores I ask. They know they can get away with it. They know about the "line" and use it. I am the odd man out along with my daughter.
Now, he wanted me to move out and I did the day after Christmas! He said he has warned me for over 3 years not to step over this line but I continue to... I do not want to end my marriage, I love so many things about all of them but I have never felt it really was a blended family, more like two families living under the same roof. They are thrilled I'm gone because they come and go... basically Lord of the Flies.
Any and all advice other than divorce. I tried to honor his wishes but when you see kids heading down the wrong road, how can you say nothing?
Thanks so much, I tried to keep it simple but there are so many more incidents that have lead up to this...