My stepson & his mom are out of control!

twoboyzmomJanuary 6, 2009

I am new to these forums and I'm in really bad need of some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years now. I have two boys from a previous marriage (ages 4 and 5), and he has two children from a previous marriage (4 year old girl and 10 year old boy). The problem we are having isn't just with the 10 year old, but also with his ex-wife. She hates me even though I have never did anything to her. She tells her kids that I took their daddy away, so his 10 year old son hates me too. He is constantly acting out when he's at our house and this weekend, he did the unthinkable. He went back home and told his mother that he was abused at our house. He did have a small bruise on the back of his shoulder, but all four of kids fight and play rough, so we have no clue where he got it. However, he told his mom that my brother hit him so hard it bruised him. We know for a fact this didn't happen because the incident that he was referring to happened at house in my presence. My brother had came over and he and my stepson are always playing around/picking with each other. My brother is a grown man with a wife and three kids of his own, so he knows how to play with children. I saw them playing and laughing in the living room and so did a few other people who were at our house that night. But since my stepson told his mom that my brother put the bruise on him, she has contacted detectives and filed reports on it. She also tried to get both my boyfriend and me fired from our job since we both work at the sheriff's department. Today, we found out she is filing to get his visitation suspended. My boyfriend tried explaining to her that my brother did not aggressively hit a 10 year old boy and that the very same night, my son was fighting with him and pushed him down and we think this is possibly how the bruise got there. I love my stepson to death, but he has a huge lying problem and his mom believes anything he says. She has also told many lies on my boyfriend in the past to try to get him fired from his job. She even went as far as to take out false criminal charges on him last year. The charges were dropped due to lack of evidence. She also hid out in the woods at our house with a video camera trying to get in my boyfriend in trouble for being there (when we first got together and she found out). She has told both of his children that I was a bad person and called me vulgar names because they have came back and told us that. She has even called me those names herself while on the phone with my boyfriend. He voice records every conversation with her and I have heard most of them. His voice recorder has saved his job many times when she has went and told lies about him. His son does not like me and I understand it's normal with older children to not like the "step parent" because they probably do feel that they split their parents up. And when they have a mother who is jealous as the one in our situation and is constantly telling them to hate me, that doesn't help things. But my biggest concern is his lying. My brother, who has a family of his own, could possibly get into some real trouble based on a 10 year old's lie and the ignorance of his psycho mother. My boyfriend is meeting with his attorney tomorrow about the visitation matter. But it's my brother that I'm really concerned about since he is the one being accused of something he didn't do. And what is to stop him from accusing me, my boyfriend, or any other members of my family with something else? No matter what he says, his mom will believe him and do all she can to get us in some kind of trouble, either with our jobs, criminally, or as far as visitation goes. I see why her son lies so much...he obviously gets it from her. Is there anything at all we can do? Or do we just sit back and hope mother and son decide to tell the truth about things?

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WOW!! And I thought I had problems with my Husband's ex. I wouldn't be worried that your brother would get in any kind of trouble over this, especially if he's never had any problems in the past with DCFS. And as long as she keeps making false accusations against you and the people around you, I would be very careful what you say to your step son and his mom, not because you are doing anything wrong but because these things can get really twisted. DCFS knows real abuse cases when they see them and they have ways of telling who is lying and who is telling the truth. I have also been falsely accused of child abuse and the case worker worked very hard to figure it all out and in the end, everything came out alright. Just keep talking to your husband and support each other because it is probably equally hard on both of you.

    Bookmark   January 6, 2009 at 12:11PM
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I can see why you're upset, but try to take a deep breath and think things through clearly.

- Your husband is already recording all conversations. These recordings have exxonorated him in the past and should continue to do so in the future. (It IS legal in your state, right?)

- You both work for the sherriff's department. It certainly can't hurt to have low enforcement on your side. The people you work with know you and your BF, and will form their opinions on what the see, far more than on what they hear.

- After a few false reports, both she and the 10 year old will no longer be credible. They can even be prosecuted for filing false charges.

- There are lots of witnesses to the incident with your brother. Their statements should clear him entirely. Though if he was 'play fighting', that's probably not a good idea.

I don't advocate 'doing nothing' but I certainly don't advocate 'fighting back' either, except with kindness and honesty. Where she's lying, counter with a diplomatic truth. And if there's any truth to the "she stole Daddy from me" allegation, the older one deserves to hear what it is. He's hearing only one very slanted version, so if you two got together before the divorce was finalized, be prepared to pay the price...

    Bookmark   January 6, 2009 at 12:47PM
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Thanks for the replies. This has been extremely hard on both of us, not to mention the stress it's causing for my brother and his family. I do agree the play fighting thing is not a good idea anymore. We have considered filing charges back when this all settled because not only is she filing false reports, but she is also posting these accusations all over the internet (MySpace). The voice recorder has saved him before and work told him was a good idea since she lies so much. Everyone we work with does know that we love our children more than anything so hopefully that will help the detectives realize that we would never allow anyone to hurt them.

As far as the things she has said about me to the kids, I did not "take their daddy from her". He left her 4 months before he and I ever went out and we kept our relationship a secret for another 5 months after that. So by the time she found out about me, they had been separated for almost 9 months. I think she really blames me because he never went back to her after he left (because I came into the picture). But he never cheated on her with me or anything like that. She really shouldn't still be bitter about that anymore because she is engaged to be married this year, but it seems like she's still a little hung up on my bf and wants to make his life as miserable and he apparently made hers by leaving her. I just really hate that his kids have to be caught in the middle. I have gotten pretty close to them in the past 2 years and I know this is going to damage the relationships we've developed.

    Bookmark   January 6, 2009 at 2:09PM
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