Huge argument with DH

lovehadleyJanuary 31, 2009

I am really irritated right now!

So we had SS last night for my Dh's birthday celebration. Long story,but they ended up trading Wed for Fri nights and we changed DH's birthday celebration to Fri. So instead of having SS Wed/Thurs this week, we had him Thurs/Fri.

I spent all day with a migraine yesterday. It started around 11 am and just progressed slowly throughout the day. It got worse and worse and by the time we got to my mom's house for dinner it was peaking and I was in the throes of it---throwing up, couldn't open my eyes b/c of the light, etc. I get terrible migraines about once a month and they last about 12 hours in total. I am usually able to function for most of it, but there are always 2-3 hours that I'm in agony.

I slept for an hour at my mom's and then it started to subside so I was able to eat some dinner but then I just laid on the couch all night.

So then we get home and DD had several bouts of diarrea in the middle of the night. I was up wit her at 1, 2 and then again around 5:30. Oh, and BM also felt the need to call in the middle of the night, too, so that was another time I woke up. AUUUGHHHH.

She was out drunk because she's fighting with her boyfriend. DH had talked to her earlier in the evening and told her he had to work today and would be bringing SS home around 8:30 AM.

Well, BM calls us THREE times around 1:30 AM and we didn't answer the phone. She left some rambling message about how she was drunk and going out to get fast food and ddin't know if she'd be home in the morning? WTF. (Mental note to us to save that message!)

So this morning my DH is getting ready to take SS to his mom's but then decides that he is just going to leave him with me today because BM might not be home or is hungover.

I told him NO.

I just put my foot down and said absolutely not. This is HER weekend, DH has to work until 5 pm tonight, and I am NOT watching SS all day today. My house is a disaster, I still feel crappy and tired, my DD has some sort of stomach bug and I'm just not doing it! I got really angry at my DH and told him that if BM's not there, HE needs to take the day off work. And yeah, that is a bad thing---DH needs to be at work. Saturdays are BUSY days. And I am 100% behind him in the fact that he needs to work. I have defended him to BM about the fact that he works a lot!

But HE needs to put his foot down with BM. And if he has ME to bail him (her?) out and watch SS, then BM gets what she wants--and it doesn't affect DH. He won't EVER stand up to her and put his foot down if her shenanigans don't directly affect HIM. Am I right?

But then I get accused of being selfish and not caring about SS. AUUUUGHHHHHH.


Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You did the right thing. Both DH and BM are using you as back-up for their job with SS. DH works, good for him, maybe he can hire a babysitter (don't know how old SS is.) People figure these things out when they have to but don't when they don't. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2009 at 11:48AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

you did the right thing. it dad wanted to keep SS for exta day it is very nice but he is the one who needs to do it. not you.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2009 at 12:43PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Too often, we are reminded that we are NOT the parent. But, we are a convenient 'stand in' when it suits them.

No, you did the absolute 100%, right on the mark thing. It is HIS responsibility and it is HER responsibility to work this out. It has NOTHING to do with how you FEEL about your SS. You have the whole situation in the right perspective. BM will say "well, why can't lovehadley do it?" when your DH has to work and she is busy doing her thing. I did my DH the favor of staying home with SD to wait for BM to pick up SD early one day last year. BM, true to her history, called to claim she was going to be late for some lame reason. I told her, fine.. I am not waiting around for you. I have things to do & told her she can pick up her daughter at the regular time of 6pm. (We were doing her a favor to let her pick her up at 11am because BM had plans in the evening and wanted her early). Well, she had the nerve to ask me to ask my dad to babysit SD while I did my errands/job so she can be late. I said NO, it's not my dad's responsibility to babysit because she can't be on time. I told her if she can't be on time, she can wait for ME to get done with my errands and then pick up her daughter. She b*tched to DH but he totally supported me in it. If we had 'accommodated' her, it would have continued. I let her know that if she isn't going to be on time, no more favors. If she can't follow through with 'her' terms, she will end up on 'mine'.

Your situation is a bit different in that your DH is trying to guilt you into doing something for her, but disguising it as doing something for him. Telling him to take the day off work is perfect because it puts it back on HIM. I can understand not wanting to send a child back to a hungover parent.. I'd worry about whether he would be taken care of or not. But, you are caring for an ill child and have your hands full and BM should not have gone out. That is not your problem, it's theirs and if BM can't take care of her child and wants you to babysit, she should be the one asking you to babysit, not your DH. (and I would charge HER to babysit on her time)

I agree with lamom, good for you!!!

    Bookmark   January 31, 2009 at 12:52PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Agree with all, you did the right thing. I had my degree amended that if my X was not going to take the kids on the days that the original degree stated that he was responsible for hiring a sitter and paying for it himself. Of course that was when he saw them. BM needs a back up system. She knew a head of time that she was engaging in behavior that would make her unable to care for her son when she was scheduled to. If she wants to go out drinking then find a sitter or relative to back her up the next day.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2009 at 1:46PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Good for you! You and dd's actual illnesses take presidence over bm's hangover after partying all night! She should not be able to cancel her time with her son because she decided to get drunk! She should nurse her hangover while taking care of her son and maybe it will make her rethink going out drinking when her son is coming home early in the morning.

Your dh needs to realize that your on his team. But that he needs to stand up to bm and stop excusing her behavior.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2009 at 3:05PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

They will do what they can get away with. That is true with all kinds of situations. I have a friend who's friend lashes out at her for no reason. My friend said "I don't know why she treats me this way". My reply was "because you let her"

    Bookmark   January 31, 2009 at 3:58PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I would have done the same thing, even without the headache & sick daughter. Not my kid, not my problem!

    Bookmark   February 2, 2009 at 1:33PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Love - you absolutely did the right thing! I've gone out before and had my folks watch DS. I felt like crap the next day, but I still had to go pick him up and take care of him. It's not my parents fault I drank too much. Of course if I was totally unable to take care of my child, I would've talked to my parents and made arrangements. But, I made sure that I was capable of fulfilling my promises I made before I went out.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 5:17PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh come on - can't you think about your stepkid? Or your DH? Your SS is your FAMILY. Yeah that's your SS's mom but that's NOT his fault. Put yourself in DH's shoes - would you want YOUR son over there that morning? Next time... if there IS a next time... do the right thing and:
A) Suck it up
B) call a baby sitter (so you can take care of yourself and your sick kid while not hanging DH an SS out to dry)

It's easy to get selfish and crabby when we feel terrible but can you honestly tell me you think you did the right thing? HONESTLY?

    Bookmark   February 6, 2009 at 11:30PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"It's easy to get selfish and crabby when we feel terrible but can you honestly tell me you think you did the right thing? HONESTLY?"


    Bookmark   February 6, 2009 at 11:50PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It's funny how you're told to 'suck it up' and deal with the problem that you didn't create.. because 'it's family' but hey! It's BM's family too. It's DH's family... so how is it 'hanging DH and SS out to dry"? Let BM call someone in her family to babysit. Let DH call the a babysitter or stay home with his kid if he doesn't want him with a hungover mom.

lol, do the right thing... (that made me chuckle)

Yeah, do the right thing and tell your DH to tell BM that next time... there better not be a next time! and if there is... he'd better figure out how HE's going to handle it.

    Bookmark   February 7, 2009 at 10:29AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Darling, you did what I seem to be unable to do...and yes you did the right thing. BM was obviously being irresponsible...didn't know if she could be home at 8:30 to take her own child? That's an accountability problem that SHE has. Keeping your SS when YOU are sick, your DD is sick and SHE has a responsibility to her child to have him this weekend is doing nothing but enabling her to NOT be a responsible parent. Honestly, anyone that thinks you are in the wrong because you didn't keep the child due to BM's unavailability/hangover is enabling her to suck at parenting. I cannot condone enabling a person to be a bad parent. Maybe next time BM will go home at a decent hour, skip the boozing and get some sleep so that she can take care of her child appropriately.

    Bookmark   February 7, 2009 at 10:50AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

How many times do you have to accomodate BM before someone tells her to "suck it up"?

If it were DH with the hangover would mom have kept her child for DH or would SS have been there at 6AM instead of 8AM


For the record we do not have an oncall babysitter... either hubby or I take the day off to spend with a sick child even though mom does not work if its not her day not her problem ....

Hubby and I have come to an agreement ...unless she is willing to return the favor none are given.

    Bookmark   February 7, 2009 at 7:44PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well, BM calls us THREE times around 1:30 AM and we didn't answer the phone. She left some rambling message about how she was drunk and going out to get fast food and ddin't know if she'd be home in the morning? WTF. (Mental note to us to save that message!)

Next time, answer the phone and find out what fast food restaurant she's planning on going to. Then call the police and tell them where she lives, what kind of car she's driving, where she's going and how drunk she is! Try to get her license plate number in advance to give them as well. You might be surprised just how fast police officers can find drunk drivers on the road. I've reported drivers while on my bicycle and 20 minutes I catch up just in in time to watch the arrest--and this is Chicagoland!

Good luck!

    Bookmark   February 7, 2009 at 9:00PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
if I could tell stepmothers of adult children anything
My dad remarried last year, a year after my mother...
adult step son and his girlfriend lives with us
i just want my privacy. we have never had any. met...
My SO suggested that I share a bed with his 11 year-old son!
For the last 3 years, I've been in a relationship with...
His children
I need advice and this seems to be the only intelligent...
To visit or not to visit
About three years ago, after many instances of being...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™